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:: 2004 15 November :: 10.53 pm
:: Mood: yep ....
:: Music: something by Incubis

so some guy wants to kill me because he thinks I ruined his life
not as many people hate me
Erin is Bon's cousin
I had a weird debate
nice way to start the week

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:: 2004 14 November :: 1.55 am

sometimes I don't know
but sometimes .... they make me feel like everyhting's gonna be ok

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:: 2004 11 November :: 1.02 am

I keep a knife on top of my dresser
it's been there for quite a while, and I have a reason for keeping it there
to me that knife says that every time I get to the breaking point I have the option, it's sititng feet away, I've taken it out and thought about it
but eveyr time I see that knife, and sometimes I look at it when everyhting's fine but I know it's there because of all it hasn't done
it's there as proof of my will, the one thing I'll admit to having, my will power, I saw what it did to others and told myself never
so it's been there, glaring at me when I was depressed, and every time I get close, I think of that knife, an almost ronic symbol, maybe I take it out, maybe I look at it for a long time, but in the end
it lets me think, ironic as it is, and for no real reason, having it there in reach makes me know something, that .. it's hard to explain
but as long as I have the knife there, as long as I remember, I won't do anything
no more than punch the wall, once managed to face plant myself into the ground, but the knife was there, and I remembered I'd been worse, and gotten by somehow
as long as the knife's there, no matter how hard it gets, no one has to worry about me
self control is all I can hope for

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:: 2004 10 November :: 9.32 pm
:: Mood: fuckin hell

I get the cutter thing now
and I'm as close to crying as I have been in years

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:: 2004 9 November :: 7.57 pm

huge apology
Lauren, I kinda screwed up big time, I'm an ass, ... I'll try to make it up to you, and I'm really very sorry I messed up ...
Amelia, I'm sorry to you too ... I'm going to try to make it up to you too, I'm not good with gifts or anything ... but I'll try
Michal, tired to call ya the past few days, I'll try again today .. kinda hard when you're not around though
Kalie ... we need to work things out

I just can't do alot of things, I was antisocial until about a year ago, I'm not good with human interaction ... and I'm kinda slow, I don't want to say give me a break becuase I don't deserve it, but I try to juggle a torn family getting worse by the day, a decent sized group of friends, and keep up with shcool ... life's not the easiest thing I've ever done ... I fucked things up and now I feel like shit for it and I need to try to fix them, if you'll let me try

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:: 2004 8 November :: 12.55 am

What Would You do if...
I cried:
I said I liked/loved you
I kissed you:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:

What Do You Think Of My...
Choice of music:

Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet for me:
Keep in touch:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
Have Sex with me:
Ditch me:
Use me:
Date me:
Rape me:
Beat me up:

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:: 2004 7 November :: 11.10 am
:: Mood: ugh
:: Music: something by Green Day

sunday's are the hangovers of the week so give me a bathrobe and lose my razor and call he ready
just thinking a little and cyler's kinda right ... life's changed alot ... I knew if but I didn't like to think of it that much
take a look at you most recent yournal entry and then back at your first and tell me what do you see?
feel free to post on this, tell me what you do see
I see a guy who was really really lost ... a guy no one really cared about, a guy who'd had a hell of a year before that, and who was basically living in a mental breakdown, an agnostic who barely took care of himself, really just living to pass the time, not doing anything but leeching on to something small in life, a mildly intelligent person constantly in pain .... I was miserable ... then there were a few days really that defined my life ... February 14th, thank god for that day, I remember coming up here and thinking it had been a long year and knowing that I was falling apart, and then I got a big flash of realization, before that, January 31st I believe ... hated myself for that, then there was March ... and spring break after that, (alot of these references you don't understand or think sound small, but they worked to wake me up) ... things went on
but in the end I'm still depressed and I still have a guilt complex, I still float around dissassociated sometimes and I still feel alot of anxiety ... but what didn't manage to kill me did make me stronger, I think I'm a batter person for it ... I learneed alot more from alot of exestential exposure, I saw alot ... in life, the better and the worse sides, I found a neiche, basically I think if I could get over that, if we could all get oevr the past few years of life, just makes us better, stronger, or t least that's what happened to me ... life still has downs, and alot of em, but it's got a few ups now ... it feels wrong to admit things are a little better, but I look back at the clique that started this, all spread around ... well ... things are different ...
so tell me ... what's changed for you, look at your first and last entry

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:: 2004 5 November :: 11.51 pm

to Kalie and Lauren (not the one with the journal on here) sorry bout that, I had to jump off the comp quickly and deal with something around the house, I just dissappeared, sorry bout that but something very big beckoned, not the say talking to you wasn't important, but there are some things you gotta do

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:: 2004 3 November :: 11.50 pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Brainiac's Daughter

tonight was uber, it was greatness, not crazy fun, but just one of the best times I've had in a while, and ... happy
it was good

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:: 2004 1 November :: 10.19 pm
:: Mood: oddly at peace with it

well ... I do like halloween, saturday I dressed up as Marylin Manson and walked around Chewelah, Sunday went to a party with paul, had fun, kinda trashed his house ... ya'know how it is
I'm kinda oddly at peace with things ... I donno, it's nice right now, Morgan's good, things are ok with almost everyone
things I could be doing better in life:
raise my math grade a little
get involved in more outside activities
mend fences with Amelia and Cyler
talk more to Kalie, the other Morgan, Mandy and others
be a better person

outside of that, things go well

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:: 2004 30 October :: 9.56 pm

interesting day, I felt like doing something so I put on some face paint and greased my hair, put on a trench coat and scared the locals
I was down at the store and a bunch of girls were just lookin at me and talking, they eventually sent one over to ask me to come to their halloween party, kinda sad I had to turn them down, but I had something to do
on to the next part, made my own apple cider today, mo brought out the press and we went up on Nook road to Doug's orchard and got a few barrels of apples, cranked the lever and diced the apples, and pressed them, I accidentally pressed it to hard and broke the press but we got about two gallons of excellent home made cider ... and I still look like a member of Kiss ... so today was interesting, kinda fun
but pointless

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:: 2004 28 October :: 8.47 pm
:: Music: The Mole From The Minestry/ The Dukes of Stratos[here

Imagin that the universe is essentially a ball floating in a huge vaccume, and don't think about proportions. An ant upon that ball can crawl around it over it and through it but it will eventually loop around no matter where it goes. THis is the universe. No change that ball to a proportionally shaped patatoe chip (the shape of the universe) and add the idea that there is not set size. Here we have the idea that the ant is held here by gravity which holds all this together, and thus there is no way for the ant to transcend the areas beyond that universe as there is no way for the ant to jump off the ball being held so solidly.
Imagin if you will that there was some way of defying this little law and somehow transcending this little problem, you would find yourself in a vast vaccume looking down upon a self contained area, in this vaccume there is no gravity or matter, a void of course, no laws we know would be relevent and thus this transention may be a delusion, but beyond that one saddle shaped universe is another with a seperate set of laws seperated by some vast vaccume that I cannot comprehend, herein lies the flaw as in a self contained universe we are incapable of imagining the spectrums that we are not allowed to grasp.
Returning for a breif respite to where we live, the "universe" is a flase name as we are not all, let us call the space .. the void occupied by the many universes, let us refer to that unattainable place as the omniverse ... maybe the body of god? ... but still within our universe we have our laws. Wormholes are basically burrows in space which shoot us through time and space as they are the variatable exception to time, a bend in the line as it were. Time is like a line, there is no beginning and no ending, just two points of significence which in the meantime change the other three dimensions traveling along it, so time as an altering effect is tangible, and also a burrow through it could allow for some transoprtation to a different plane. We will return here in a moment if you will. On the line of time two points can mark the creation of one phase of matter and as those three dimesnions move along they alter until the end of that phase where the matter breaks and readies for a new phase. Here we find the big bang. We are some sort of multiverse really as we conatin branes which are essentially traveling masses of energy and matter, little self containes three dimensional universes moving along a third universe all converging on the line of time. When two branes meet they form some sort of oscelation in which matter and energy is combined in some sort of huge bang, and then we have the temporary phase of the existance of one of the little universes in the multi-verse that is our universe, and for a time it will last but as the branes move apart and the matter breaks at the end point it all falls apart, moving along the line of time they pass in their seperate ways to move on, waiting for another oscelation to create another big bang. This is the beginning of time, the beginning of our time, the last oscelation we are aware of, creating the laws we move along. A wormhole is the basic burrow that destructs all this but it ends up leading us into another little world in which we cannot exist and so we are destroyed into another bran as it were and in the end that is one of the seperate universes, seperate from the being we call a bran, in which a different path has been taken from one of the alternate paths on the line of time. I suppose that's where it gets confusing and I start to lose it at the coils and at wormholes.
Still, on a lower level, we say there is space between quirks but really there is something making up quarks and between quarks, the string theory that evenrually you get down to something that once looking in upon it becomes yet another self-contained universe with inhabitents unable to transcend the vaccume or become aware. Where is the line really? we don't know where these little strings end in their vibrations, or for sure if my little omniverse is real. We would have to transcend the lose set of rules we call reality to find out. As it is we are bound by four dimensions and will not be able to transcend them. Maybe there is an ultiverse above this omniverse ... an omegaverse above that but we shall never know, it's all a bit like cellular structure, one being helping to make up another and in turn this creates the idea the we and all our cells are merely part of a larger being on the grand scale. Where does it end below quirks we don't know or the omegaverse we don't know, some ultimate being or is it a bit like one of those little russina dolls that never ends.
Bound to this world we'll never know, but this is as much as I comprehend. Through wormholes and through the idea that traveling in one universe the us that is will eventually encounter one set demise whole the us that takes the other road will encounter the other, or sometimes the branch loops back around in time to a same reasult which is common of the minor, here we see that there is some kind of fate, and we can see some future, the future we make for ourselves, we choose the paths of endless forks until we reach a game over, there is a fate but first flip to page 38 to see where you go before that you know, make a decision, you could go one way or another but all possibilities exist under one another. Here we find ourselves, traveling on the line of time confined to our little multiverse of a "universe" there is one small point of our birth our transcendence from our last phase, the assemblance of our matter, to our demise, the next pahse of our being, buddhist theories, but in the end who cares, it's not the point one or the point two that matters it's the ride we take and how we live. The meaning of life is so simple, it's to live and best not to screw it up by ending it or by searching for a meaning you'll never find because you're doing what you need to, just live and do what you think is right and good and have some fun eh?
Please tell me if any of this made no sense or if you'd like to hear more, or if you disagree, more comments, help for my understanding, but at least any feedback is good.

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:: 2004 24 October :: 9.49 pm

nothing like hearing from pat, eating some raw limes, cooking and hearing from morgan to cheer a guy up, things are shaping up I hope

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:: 2004 24 October :: 1.23 am
:: Mood: melancholy

sometimes I feel wrong for feeling ok ... like I don't deserve it, like it's not right ...
and sometimes it's draining to just have to focus so hard on keeping what I have
what do I have? I know I have you all and that makes me happy, that's when I usually don't feel drained, but I'm not always around you all ... and it's hard to keep it up sometimes
... my life is of nominal interest ... and I guess my situation is of nominal nature, so why worry ...
I just feel bad, just bad ... for all the stupid things I've said and the stupid things I've done ... I try I really do, but ... the shit happens, and it ends up hurting me the most trust me
so I just want to say that I am really very fucking sorry for all the stupid things I've done and said and thought, not that it absolves anything, not that it'll even help me sleep tonight, just that I think you should all know that I'm deeply and truely sorry

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:: 2004 22 October :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: happy

Well I guess almost everyone knows so it's no big suprise, so I can out and say I'm going out with Morgan (not tori's friend)
I guess it makes me happy really, I had thought for a time that she didn't want to be around me, but in truth it turned out she was just shy, and it turned out we'd been kinda both hanging around eachother for a long time, tenative flirting I guess you could say
Yeah, I think it all works out. We went to the mall with Amelia, Brooke, Alex, Lauren and Ryan today, that was fun, we mainly sat around and talked, I think it's good that I dragged her down, she was kinda depressed this morning. She's made me feel good for a while, and not that my friends don't do that, but made me feel really good, and kinda made me see that I have a nominally interesting life
things are good thus far

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