:: 2005 28 September :: 8.55 pm
:: Mood: buzzed
:: Music: "Night Moves" - Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 27 September :: 5.57 pm

Okay, so i was looking for a little guidance. But I guess I'm not going to get any. I think I'm going to head home and do some shopping on the way.

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 27 September :: 3.44 pm

So i'm sitting here waiting for my last class to start and I'm seriously debating my plans for tonight. I know I entered the semester with a commitment to get more involved in the things going on on campus. Especially with Campus Ministry. But now that I'm on the verge of going and attending a small group meeting I feel kind of reluctant. I don't know, it was fun to do it when I was freshman. It felt right and I felt like I could learn a lot from Dan, my leader that year. I mean after all it was my first year in college and I was learning about who I was and how my faith fit into my life. But now I know all that and I just feel like I'm going to be looked down upon because of my feelings on certain issues. Anyway, I might be home earlier than 9 or 10, so be ready.

3 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 27 September :: 12.53 pm

Wow, hotmail server is extremely slow. It really sucks.

On another note, I need to start listening to my Spanish CD's again. My accent it terrible.

3 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 22 September :: 9.44 pm
:: Music: "If 6 was 9" - Jimi Hendrix

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 22 September :: 5.24 pm

She described her mood as giddy. That's good.
I feel I no longer have the need to trouble myself with deep, soul-searching questions like I did in the past.
Talking last night made me realize that my approach to life has taken a very different track in the last year. I'm not sure what has caused that, and I'm not sure many people would agree with my assessment. But I feel as if I approach things as being more laid back about life. Such as, if something happens that I want to happen, great, it happened, but if it doesn't, then no big loss. I guess that's part of growing up. It's like if I get a good grade, great, but if I didn't, well, I'm not blaming the professor anymore because I really don't care. And that could be where I'm getting it from. I don't care if I passed the test. I never have. I never understood people with test anxiety. Either you know it or you don't. If I learned something from it then good for me. If I didn't, it's my fault and I just wasted a great opportunity.

On a side note. All though I haven't been single all that long, this not being single is still going to take an adjustment. Meaning I shouldn't probably talk about all the cute girls that I meet or anything like that anymore. Note: I didn't really do that before and I'm just joking.

I know I said I'd talk to you somehow tonight. I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish that beyond this right here. But perhaps later.

3 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 22 September :: 3.13 pm

So, three entries in like three hours. I thought I didn't have a lot to say.

So, Professor Aragon asked me if I was okay today. Well, I guess he can see that his class isn't going to way I hoped. Actually, it has been one of the biggest disappointments of my semester so far. I mean, my Russian Thought class totally sucked, but I kind of expected that. I just told him that I had been sick for the last week and that was why it seemed like something wasn't right. In reality, the class just isn't doing for me what I hoped it would. I guess when I had him before there was a tenuous balance. I really enjoyed the class and felt like I had mastery of the material. This year I don't feel that way. In fact I feel I know less about it than I should, which isn't a good thing for me. But alas, I'll stop complaining and get ready to go to my favorite class so far.

Oh, and I've felt terribly complacent because I hadn't been keeping up on my reading, but after reading for four hours last night, I felt a lot better. Honestly, I thought I was never going to get done. BUt I had to because I had someplace I had to go. It's really amazing how time flies when you are with someone you enjoy spending time with.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 22 September :: 2.29 pm

You know, the good thing about today is that I only had one thing to write for class. Because I seem to be very, very, very comma happy. And, in addition, I also seem to be very apostrophe happy as well. I'm using a ton of contractions, which I don't usually do. Instead I prefer to actually write the words out, but I'm not doing that today, for some reason.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 22 September :: 12.54 pm

I really would like to update. Something good. Something solid. But the words escape me right now.

BTW, I am no longer lonely. If you catch my drift. Which you probably won't. Because you all have sick minds.

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 20 September :: 3.09 pm

So I was sitting in upstairs MAK reading, and then I stopped and was just looking out the window up at the sky. The blue depths and the white whispy clouds darting across it. Some of them even seemed so close that I could have reached out and touched them. BUt then they stopped darting in just one direction. It must have been a cross current or an updraft or something, but the cloud started churning. Understand that this was a fairly transparent cloud, only casting a shadow on it's own in the very center. But it roiled and churned. The bottom becoming the top and the top becoming the bottom. The two parts of the cloud moving in different directions but the whole thing go nowhere at all. It began to spread, thinner and thinner. It seemed to eventually equalize itself vertically in the atmosphere. No longer occupying different vertical levels in the sky, but on singular one. Then it began to fade. Unlike anything I can describe. The whiteness of it was absorbed by the stark blue mass of the sky. Fading, slowly, into nothingness. Disapaited by some unseen force. Continually fading until the extremities of the clouds were gone, the body itself becoming increasingly transparent. And then the body, once large enough and thick enough to shield it's bottom half from the sun, casting it's own shadow, began to fade. Slowly at first, and then at ever increasing speed it disappeared. Until that cloud, a collection of millions of molecules of water, clinging to millions of microscopic pieces of dirt, became as transparent as glass. Revealing the blue sky, illuminated by the presence of the sun, not as deep as before, slightly more pale for the experience.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 17 September :: 4.39 pm

"Ole' Curt was a black man
With white curly hair.
He spent a lifetime
Playin' the Blackman's Blues
And on the day ole Curtis died
That's all he had to do."

"Play me a song Curtis Lowe, yeah Curtis Lowe,
I got your drinkin' money so tune up your dobro,
People say you was useless
But them people ought to know
That Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues."

I really like that song. It goes back a ways I guess. You don't hear it on the radio and it's not one of the biggest songs that Skynyrd ever did, but it's still a good song, with some really good electric slide in it.

Anyway, playin' up in Newaygo tonight. Sportsman's Lounge from 9-11. It's in dowtown Newaygo. Down the hill, but before you cross the bridge on the right hand side. I really wish I had something to do after that. But if I don't, I guess I'll just come home, go to bed and maybe go to church in the morning.

Well, I accepted Nita's offer and now I might have dispensible income. I have seriously been contemplating getting a phone. I envision it being somewhat of a boon to my social life and expanding the possibilities of meeting new people. Of course with work and school I'm not sure how much of a social life I can afford. But that's just the same crazy talk that's kept me where I am.

I haven't taken any cold medicine since the other night. I figured that if I could stay up 22 hours that I really was getting better. I also realized today that I have been posting a ton since August. Kind of weird huh? I guess I'm just back in a "hey, I want people to know what's going on in my life" phase again.

I am also very happy that FX picked up the rights for "That 70's Show." This morning I heard the line that my journal is based on. You know, the one from Red, "if we didn't follow rules we'd all be sitting in trees flinging our crap at each other." I'm really, really, not talking about anything that makes any sense at all.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 16 September :: 6.31 pm

Eating blueberry pancakes at 1am at IHOP. With a computer genious.

Not getting hime until 6am, and still being sober.

Staying up for another 2 hours because I was wired on cold medicine.

Realizing I just spent seven hours talking to someone who I never talked to in high school.

Good times.

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 15 September :: 9.59 pm
:: Mood: snotty

Jurchen
Well we covered the Manchu conquest of China tonight. For some reason the names just sound so elegant to me. Especially when Professor Shan pronounces them with the correct accent. Jurchen, Manchu, Li Zhicheng.

I just thought I'd throw this in there because it's a realization that I've come to over the past few weeks. From about the middle part of June until August I was pretty depressed. I'm not talking like, hang my head low depressed. I'm talking a serious depression. Not suicidal, but severe. Times when I didn't even want to get out of bed, and I didn't. But that time is over now. I wake up and get out of bed and look forward to each new day.

And I just got done talking to Jessa. I didn't get a chance to say good bye because she had to put Clem to sleep. It's kind of weird that I find myself in the position of encouragement. I haven't been there in a long time. Mostly because I haven't felt like I have any standing to provide encouragement. It's definitely beginning to feel like there's more confidence coming in my faith.

Oh, and I was told last night that my entries leave a lot of questions in peoples' minds after their done reading them. Is this true?

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 12 September :: 8.49 pm

So I'm looking to achieve some clarity in life. But I'm going to study and think tonight and forget about everything tomorrow and enjoy myself.

Tomorrow I've got class all day tomorrow and I think I'm going to stick around campus for Young Life. Time to capitalize on all that uncomfortableness (is that even a word) you feel when you meet a bunch of people for the first time.

So I guess I'm just going to have to pray for some clarity. So much stuf going on that I need to "think" about. That seems to have been the theme of the last week.

You know, I'm really beginning to wonder if what happened that night was just a one time thing, or if she really meant that things that she said. I shouldn't have gotten up and left when I woke up at six, but I had to, I guess. Like I was thinking real clearly that whole night. That way I would know how to get in touch with her.

I've got some thinking to do about the band too. We're going to be on TV this weekend. No Cover TV, on public access.

And on top of all that. Bill and Nita were both at work today and they really want me to go back to being a manager. They even said that I can work as little as ten hours a week. It all sounds good, but I'm really afraid that it's going to stop me from what I really want. Not that I know what I really want. I'm just worried that there's going to be a lot of bitching, from one person in particular. Because I'll be able to choose my schedule. Plus, the reason I quit in the first place was that I didn't feel like I was pulling my weight. Which, they all assure me that I was, and I'm convinced that I was, I guess I knew at the time I was, but I was really weighted down with the perception of who I should be at this age.

I don't know. I'll just hope I get some clarity and all this will work out.

4 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 8 September :: 5.37 pm

What strikes me completely odd is that people have no recognition for what is truly beautiful. If we all just stopped a few times a day and recognized the beauty of anything at all, I think we would all lead much happier lives.

And there is my bit of wisdom for today.

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?