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RagDoll (profile) wrote,
on 1-1-2003 at 7:44am
[ mood | thankful

I'm an hour away from getting on the trains to Midway airport. Not long afterwards, I'll fly away to Minneapolis and spend several days at a mellow convention with professional writers and S. I can't wait to hang out with S. I know that there are a lot of maritial benefits included, but hanging out seems to be ideal.

I've been so blue this year. There have been so many wonderful things, but the getting them seems to have really left me desolate. This year, I began college again, I'm on my second writing class, I've written more Squire's Tale than I ever have, and I'm months into a positive theraputic experience. I've gained new friends, and have been able to explore more intimate closeness with old ones. My brother's marrying the woman of his dreams. My other brother returns from Zanzibar, and I got to spend time alone with my sister. I found a forum of nice, if painfully young, people who have been extremely supportive.

It's amazing how one crappy job can make you forget so much.

But I haven't forgotten. Maybe this vacation will make me remember more.

And dearest diddle; I need your help. I'm hearing Roa's voice...And it's Rebekah's.

mood | gloomy ]

I have to admit to myself that my life will always be this bad.

Last night, a student was verbally abusive to me. He was extremely drunk, and when for the third time he tossed my things to the floor, I grabbed his shirt. Once I realized that I had done this, I knew everything was over. I let go, and took my break, my relief arriving.

I realize now that this person was likely so drunk, nothing will come of it. I wrote a report, omitting the shirt part. My supervisor only saw him being abusive to me. But the thing is, I lost control, and it may cost me my job.

So what, you ask? It's a job you hate. We all know that. We even know it treats you badly. Why not walk away before they can get rid of you?


If I leave, S doesn't get a free education. Also I'll have proven to S that I can't actually hold a job. The education is the only thing I can materially contribute to this relationship, aside from paying bills. It's the proof that I can support her still. As for the second part, I need to prove to S and myself that I have some strength. In the past, I used to fold. Now, that's changed. This job is the worst I have ever had in my life, and I've made it. Doesn't that prove some strength?

Thank god for therapy. It's proven to me that the overwhelming desire to die is a panic reaction, and not a genuine emotion. What wonders will I discover next year?

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01-01-03 7:51am

Ask and ye shall receive, Ms Mouse :)

You hear Rebekah's voice when you think of Roa? I really only see one viable solution.

DOUSE HER IN GRAY HAIR DYE!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :)

Okay, all levity aside. It's nice to see you seeing the good that's happening and not just angsting over the bad. Enjoy the vacation, enjoy the conversation and, well, just plain enjoy the heck out of S. The year is coming to a close and another one is on the horizon. Keep your spirit centered and remember that there are people who love and care for you and it will be a better year than the last.

Diddles may fib from time to time, but we don't lie.



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01-01-03 7:54am

First of all, the student started the altercation; if you 'violated his physical space' by grabbing his shirt is of secondary importance. If it's even that important. Granted, you probably should have called the police to haul his @$$ away for drunk and disordely ;)

Secondly: Ellie and I talked about this the other night. Whenever you start getting into the depressed, 'I'm no good, I don't deserve this...' slump, we're going to start calling you Piro.

Yep, Piro.

Now, on the good news. You do provide more than an opportunity for a free education. You offer moral and emotional support. And friendship. And I'm sure you offer laughter and silliness to her since you offer it to so many of your other friends as well *hugs*

Yes, the urge to die is a panic reaction; I know it too well from past experiences of my own. You've got my prayers and my well-wishes and all the *hugs* you can stand.


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Re:, 01-01-03 7:55am

Well, at least it beats being called 'Brad'. =^..^=

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elisabeth xxxx, 01-01-03 7:58am

Now that I've got that out of the way...


From a personal standpoint, it's my considered opinion that you demonstrated -considerable- personal control; having actually been in that position before, my solution was to pick the abusive drunk up by the throat and toss them bodily out the door.

From a more even tempered perspective, you still did well: being unable to physically absent yourself from the altercation that was wanted by the other party, you -still- managed to restrain yourself at the last moment, and not deliver an actual blow. 'Threatening gesture' is all that can be legitimately laid at your feet... and it was belligerantly provoked.

It's my belief that you did just fine, sugar. As for the rest...

/YOU/ are not delimited or defined by your job... and the role of partner is more than the greatly simplified 'hold a job' stance. Period.

I love you, dolly... it's all going to sort out. Honest. I can't promise a 'bump free' existence, but I believe that you are here for a reason.

~Ellie-chan and Kweepie the WonderPiggie.

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Re: elisabeth xxxx, 01-01-03 8:01am



only the second hug was supposed to be bold :(, the rest was supposed to be normal like the first *hug*

nothing ever goes right for me.

:( im sorry.

well time for my dinner you to i can't talk to you in comments all day.

cya xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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