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A RagDoll's Rag Journal

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[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 30 August :: 6.31 am

Finaly MonkeyBum has added me to his friends list Joy!!

1 did | stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 15 July :: 3.29 pm


making sure you not shut me down yet andy.

updates in the dark ass room

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 18 January :: 5.54 am
:: Mood: lazy

What a disappointment

95 episodes. The singe longest series S and have ever collected. All we wanted was a conclusion that fulfills the themes and pain the series promised. What do we get? A final episode so cheap, that they use actual handcam footage of a cloudy night to fill time.

I hate to say it, but I'm talking about Ruronin Kenshin.

Kenshin is one of my favorite series. I liked the tale a lot. To summarize:

It's 1878 in Japan. ten years previously, the Shogunate was replaced by the Meiji emperor as the dominant political force. According to legend, a single killer destroyed 150 members of the Shogun's support in a single night. That man was Battousai...The manslayer.

Nowadays, there are no samurai. Kenjitsu dojos are empty. Kaouru Kamiya, daughter of a prominent kenjitsu instructor, takes charity from a local doctor. She bumps into Kenshin, a wanderer and a fool. He wears a sword, but as he explains to the authorities, the blade is reversed, so cutting techniques can do nothing. Karou takes him in, and discovers his secret.

Kenshin is the battousai of legend. On that fateful night, after realizing what he had done, he simply gave up killing. His blade is a symbol of his promise. This does not stop kenshin from kicking a lot of butt. THe series plays out like a western/samurai flick, with kenshin forced to confront the ghosts of his past, as well as his hidden nature.

I liked the series a lot. Not only did I like the internal conflict of Kenshin and his compatriots, but the series was a great commentary on what was lost and gained when the west invaded japan. The series doesn't provide hard and fast answers to the question either. You come to see that each person has their own ideals, and more important than anything else is to live up to them. Even if living up to your ideas puts you in conflict with the ideals of another.

THe series has a lot of high and low points. I was hoping, though, that in the end, there would be a story arc that allowed for a larger addressing of the issues. Instead, we were given a 'dragonball' style ki-energy story (The evil Feng Shui masters!), and then a trip to the beach. That's it.

*sigh* Time for Angelic Layer and Chobits. At least with those two I know I'll have my closure.

5 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 11 January :: 10.53 am
:: Mood: productive

All right. I'm 2/3 through with Kate and Leopold, and I'm madly in love with this movie. There's no one on -earth- I would have seen this movie with when it came out.

It's not a story about time displacement. Fortunately both the writer and director spend very little time playing the 'fish out of water' game. It's more about believing that there's a certain way of being that, although presently unfashionable, is worthwhile.

I used to think that my writing was a reflection of this belief. I'm wrong. My life is this belief. Several weeks ago, I was attacked by someone I supposed was a friend and told that I was a romantic. In being told I was a romantic, it was meant to imply that my arguments had no validity. Because my beliefs were romantic and illogical, they thus had no merit. It's not true. A romantic's argument has merit on one condition: That the romantic act on their beliefs. The romantic has only one recourse: Example.

It's dawned on mt that I've been doing that. I found someone I loved, and married them solely because I loved them. The ceremony and event was done in the way that we wanted. I love my friends as sincerely and as unashamedly as I present to them. When I call you my brother, my sister, my angel. I mean it.

People are suspicious of Romantics. Every single day, we are bombarded with the imagery of romance, the style of romance. It's used to convince us to buy things, to cherish structures, to have sex. Romance is used as a tool, a weapon. That's not what it's for.

To be romantic is to believe that the world is richer, lovelier, purer that it may seem. That's the problem. The definition of romantic is often confused. People believe romantics see the world as better than it is. That's not true.

The world -is- beautiful. It's resplendent and noble. It's so wonderful that I cry when I think of it. I shouldn't. S may be laid off. I'm in a job that endeavors to hurt me. You can't imagine the amount of times I've been hurt. And badly. But I still see the beauty. And in seeing the beauty, there's something I must do.

I have to act.

We create our world. We really do. As much as people would like to tell you that logic, physics, 'the way things are', dictates reality. It's not true. It's simply not true.

You dictate your reality. I choose to live in a world where every friend is as cherished as if they were the only friend you had. Because of this, I -treat- my friends that way, for they -are- that dear. I choose to believe that my friends are capable of miracles. MC will dance on ropes before applauding audiences, delighting in their mix of desire and horror. RL will show people who read what magic can really mean. EK will be a caring angel. RB is a soft toy capable of feeling love as well as giving it. You are all amazing, and as a Romantic it is my -duty- to show you it's possible.

I am not an overweight security guard. I am a scion of faerie. Where is my proof? In how I have treated the world, and in doing so, I have changed how the world views me.

I am not unique. We can all do it. It takes effort and will, but the result is magnificent. Come with me.

Be Romantic.

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 10 January :: 1.37 pm
:: Mood: lethargic

In so many ways, the holidays are over.

Work has resumed a normal schedule, which means students don't show up for their assigned duties, leaving me in the hole.

RL is gone, and I wish it weren't so. There are definitely some friends I don't feel I deserve, and RL tops the list. Now it's back to text messages when we can. Hurrah.

RR is back. Halloo! I'll put in the RAM, but I'll need Windows OS disks to fix the other problem.

I'm constantly trying to figure out how to negotiate active and sleep times. Something I'm not good at. Fortunately internal guilt and insomnia help manage it for me. The dreams are shameful, but at least while I'm in the dreams, I'm taking responsibility.

In so many ways, the holidays are over.

Before RL left, we plowed through the series Gasaraki. Very much a post-Evangelion anime. You have the giant robots, but they're tied to an ancient and mystic conspiracy. The difference here, is that the mythology, politics, and feelings are entirely japanese.

The basic premise is that there's a centuries old japanese family that once had secret mastery of the country. This will was enforced by gods they were able to summon through elite members of the family.

In the current era, Mobile armor is being tested for presentation to the world that operates under mysterious technology. Technology that virtually requires a member of the family to operate it. Meanwhile in a small nation, another organization is making the same armor...With someone else controlling it.

This battle rocks japan at its core. Questions about japan's weakness and its place in the world are asked and acted upon. It's about loyalty and duty, and by the end both sides win by admitting defeat.

Good anime.

Thanks to E, I received roughly four or five complete anime series (EEE! Thank you E! I can't thank you enough! You are uber-spiffy!). Hellsing, Chobits, Angelic Layer, and *shudder* Digi Charat. I'll provide complete reviews as I get through each.

As sad as I sound, please keep in mind that I am better off than I've been in my entire life. You are all wonderful friends, each making me very happy. I have someone who loves me, and I will claim my future.


stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 4 January :: 7.33 am

So...Tired [04 Jan 2003|05:10am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Moody stuff on my harddrive track 10 ]

I'm just finishing the first regualr shift of the new year, and I'm already beat. I have one last day with RL, and I hope to make it count. Then it's work, and Flannigan's wake. Work again, and a meeting. Then work and weekend. Bleah. I hope I can find something different soon.

S is still waiting for news on the job. I'm trying not to show how terrified I am. S is my hero. S is undefeatable. And yet S may get laid off, leaving me to earn until S finds new work.

This is where I find myself to be worthless. I'm in a nothing job that can barely provide a buffer against debt. I can't find new work, and if I lose S, there's nothing.

Time to write porn.

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Avalon, Evangelion, and thou. [01 Jan 2003|10:16pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | Fly Me To The Moon ]

Thoughts outside the box:

"Because you cannot disprove my argument, I must be right."

No, it simply means that I cannot prove mine. Innocent people have been put on death row because an attorney failed an argument. It's why there is an appeals system. Also, applying an argument to an audience that isn't properly educated enough to debate is simply foolish. In order to see if the argument has merit, post it to those with the background to properly debate. I can understand the desire to be the biggest possible fish in the smallest possible pond, but it's ultimately unrewarding. Learn to grow.


This has been a lovely inadvertant vacation. My work time was savagely curtailed due to budgetary restrictions. So, I think I'll have put in all of two days of work in basically empty buildings. It's been nice. Because of this, I've spent a lot of time with S. We rediscovered each other. I'm not afraid to admit, that I fell in love again.

Life right now is difficult for S. Upheavals at work that won't even be addressed until next week, but have demanded her attention for the past two weeks. S is incredibly stressed, and has spent houes classifying and identifying roughly 7 gigs of music simply to be distracted. I understood, and gave a lot of room.

Gifts were splendid. Ipods, 10 Kenshin dvds, and lots of little things. The pocketwatch is still my largest favorite, simply because it took a lot of thought and heart from the giver to give me something that reflected my loves and dreams. I wind it every few hours.

More importantly, my favorite gift came this year: RL

RL came to visit this past week, arriving Saturday. On sunday RL came over, and I was able to introduce RL to my friends with a little film festival. DS, SS, LS, and JF all came over. S, still exhausted and not ready to deal with guests yet, went to bed. The festival was a treat. We saw:

DS' latest film. A ghost story that was an experiment in visual tricks. Watching RL bounce during some of the scary bits was fun to watch.
Love Hina: CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. A romantic comedy that is clearly the basis for a lot of Megatokyo fun. Good blend of angst and extreme comedy.
Sera Myu: Live....action...sailor...mooon...musicals. The computer crashed out of sheer unwillingness to face the horror.

Avalon is a rare piece A polish-language film set in Warsaw, with equipment on loan from the Polish army. Directed by the japanese director of 'Ghost in the Shell', using the imagery of english heroic mythology. All for six million. It's a moody matrix.

The future sucks. You don't see a lot of it, save that it's colored a dismal green. Some people, to stave off the basic misery of existence, play a fully immersive shooter called 'avalon'. It's illegal. It's addictive, and potentially fatal. That doesn't stop people from playing, or an elite few from earning a living by playing the game.

It's not a good living.

Ash is a solo player in Avalon, a place normally dominated by teams. She's fought her way to class A, and is one of the rare few who make a living playing the game. She used to be part of the most elite team in the game, but it disbanded under mysterious circumstances. Ash's life is fairly meaningless. She does earn a living playing the game, but it's not a good one. SHe has enough to rent a flat, pay her internet bill, and feed her dog, which she loves. She would be the best in the game, but an unknown mystery man keeps knocking her off the top of the charts.

In trying to identify the mystery man, Ash uncovers a secret withing the game. There's a class above A, where the game doesn't end until you win or die. Several of the elite have tried to get into this class, and have gone 'unreturned'; lost in a vegetative state, their minds lost in the game. One of these unreturned is Ash's ex-boyfriend, and the former leader of her team.

Ash now goes on a quest within the game to find this special class, and to find her former lover. This bleeds into a heroic quest, worthy of the arthurian cycle. There are a lot of layers in the story, and countless unanswered questions that will leave you talking for days. The visuals are impressive. The weapons and equipment are all genuine, blended with visual effects that make you feel very much like you're walking through the most advanced game ever. I also cannot forget to mention the soundtrack. Haunting choral work that, thanks to the dvd, translates into something that fills my heart.

With these films, all went well. There were angsty moments, and 1 meltdown, but all in all, it went well. RL met a lot of nice people, and the films were truly fantastic.

Monday, RL came over, and we intended to go to a movie, but instead, walked everywhere, talked a lot, and had a ball. We came home to watch Evangelion. More on that. Yesterday, was a bit more wild.

First off RL and I went to see Die another Day, a bond film that's fallen into my top five list. Oh...James....*purr* Then we took our rest and got ready for clubbing.

Neo was to be the club of choice. I love...Or maybe I loved Neo. Neo is one of the last bastion of gothy clubs in Chicago. It was one of the first, and may very well be one of the last. It's a tiny club, but one of the few where we could afford to be part of the New Year scene. We headed out, and stuffed ourselves in. For part of the night, the music was great. A blend of hard and morose, with a lot of 'local color' to fill the space. Although I didn't dance much, I did enjoy watching everyone dance, and all the wonderful fashions and costumes. I got to stare into the eyes of my beloveds and let them know how much I loved them before midnight. It was lovely.

Alas, the music shifted to much harder, slamming stuff, the smoke increased, and none of us could stand it for long. We all went our separate ways, and I yearned for the days when I could dance to Peter murphy while dreaming of black ribbons and striped tights.

Today was a quiet New years. Unprecedented amounts of food, the tournament of roses parade (If anyone has pictures of the flag brigade for the Pasadena Marching band, let me know), and -ALL- of the TV part of Evangelion.

Good lord.

I was turned off to Evangelion when I saw the first four episodes several years ago. I'm not a fan of Giant Robots, and I have a big beef against using the imagery of a religion, without understanding the meaning of what's being used. Now that I've seen all of the TV series...


This is the single most nihilistic anime I've ever seen. It's all about teen alienation and isolation, without any solution. This is about wanting to die, and being right in that desire. It's depressing as hell, and very often quite horrific. To put it perspective, this anime was doing a lot better when I simply believed that the father figure of the series was molesting a 14 year old girl. RL left at the end of the TV series, which is considered to be the 'bad ending'. Years after Evangelion ended, they rewrote the ending and made it into 2 movies.


I'm glad RL left. RL couldn't watch 'Audition' with me, one of the most extreme horror pieces in my collection. Last two parts of Evangelion: Same category. Worse, it still left you wondering why.

If you actually want to take a knife to your wrists, and are worried about chickening out, watch this series all at once.

Fortunately, I'll let RL watch it solo. Tomorrow, instead, is chinatown. Chinatown: Crack cocaine for anime addicts, CDV addicts, and Bean Paste freaks.

Also, this vacation, I got to talk to my new friend, T, the former mystery person. What a lovely person. Nice, kind, good stories, and lots of fun. I can't wait to build this friendship.

That's all for now. I love you all. God bless.

stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 9.43 am

[27 |07:38am]
[ mood | giggly ]
[ music | Voices in the Dark (Erotic Remix); Enigma ]

Mystery solved. I didn't know the mystery friend, and it turns out the friend didn't know me. Just knew me from surprised me, because I hadn't heard of it until now. Odd.

The friend seems sweet. Looking forward to more emails.

[25 |09:59am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | Look to The Sky; System S.F. Feat w/Anna ]

It's quiet, just recovering from a heavy blizzard.

It's all so cold and lovely. I'm watching enough James Bond to kill an ox (And realizing that 'you only live twice' would be -quite- a different movie if it was filmed now), With the exception of E, I contacted everyone I needed to for the holidays. S is asleep, and I'm on my latest quest.

Some of you don't know, but I'm tracking a lurker on my livejournal called cj_crew.also known as moonshadow. I'm listed as a friend -of- him, but that's become a bit meaningless as he has connected to a lot of friends. RL is on his list as well. We have few interests linking us, so I looked for more information on his site on


He's a doller of some sort, but a romantic one. I'm cuirous. I'm determined to read his stuff first, then his livejournal, before I go say Hi...The hunt is on.

Merry Christmas, one and all

[20 |02:57pm]
[ mood | hyper ]


I have -11- days off starting -tomorrow!!!- I work Christmas, and the two days following, and -THAT'S IT!!!!!- WOW!

R, why didn't you inform me that Baz Luhrmann is doing La Boheme on Broadway?!?!!!! I need to be kept abreast of these things!!!

And the movie 'Hero' with Jet Li, Zhang Ziyi, Tony Leung and Maggie Cheung?!?! And it's being directed by another romantic director taking a swing at martial arts flicks...*dreamy sigh*

[19 |05:33pm]
[ mood | enraged ]



Apparently there's a form of autism that makes you a jerk. EVERY insensitive emotional throwback I've dealt with has had this condition from the not-lamented PrettyDollStar on. You would think that one would want to cure this, to stop being a JACKASS and work on dealing with people in a pleasant emotionally engaging level. But no. The stupid ones are just bastards. But the smart ones...It's hard to believe that anyone with a high intelligence would think that being a pain in the ass was an advantage.

I have spent a huge part of my life looking inside and saying 'what am I doing wrong?' I've worked to become sensitive and caring, and to ease others pain. I can't see how one could look inside and say 'Gee, I -am- the most important creature in the world. How lovely!'

Some dos and don'ts

Don't seek to be a dom until you're capable of handling the responsibility. And don't think subs are attaching themselves to you because you're naturally higher on the food chain. This is a -ROLE-. If you can't take off the mask, don't play the game. Or...Barring all that, GET LAID FIRST. Dominant virgins are a joke.

It is not necessary to explain every day what important piece of philosophy you're reading. If I'm talking to you, I'm assuming you're intelligent. Trying to show off to me proves I'm mistaken.

Anyone who says they're mature for their age, isn't.

The MATRIX isn't bad because it ignores perpetual motion. It's a film. A film is only bad if you don't care about the characters.

Being called painfully literal isn't insulting. Insulting is listening to someone criticize a former sub because she chose someone else over you. Insulting is listening to how the world would be better off if minimum-wage employees received less. Insulting is coming from privilege and assuming that poor people just don't work as hard as you do.

I place a curse, made and sealed this day, bound in gravity and stitched with leather. May you spend the rest of your life exactly as you are. As you believe in the perfection of your perception now, let it -always- be so. I will collect your lonely, miserable remains 50 years from now.

[19 |03:41pm]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | PERKIGOTH RADIO! ]

I think I forgot to mention that I started playing the demo of the Windows game Syberia.

To my two windows using gamer friends: FIND THE DEMO. NOW! NOW!

The opening is a damned clockwork funeral!!!

5 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 9.41 am

Flying Chicken? |01:36pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Everloving; Moby ]

Got the last of the gifts out; the rest is in S's hands.

I took the time to walk to MBE and went wandering afterwards. There's a rare bookstore that's never open (My favorite kind. I want to run one of those one day), clothing shops with pretty outfits, lots of special interest places, and food. I wanted to try something different, so I went looking.

I found Flying Kitchen.

First off, if you enter the place, you will never call it flying kitchen. Simply because on the window is this adorable japanese-pop-style image of a chicken. Chicken and Kitchen is too close. So far, I've had to rewrite this paragraph twice so that I make sure to write the proper name for the place.

The menu looked good. Japanese fastfood fare. However, everything kept proclaiming the 'healthfulness' of the food. If you know me at all, I could use some 'healthfulness'.

The interior looked like a japanese fast food place, i.e. no japanese kitsch at all. The sole employee (I'm assuming it's the proprietor, Keitaro Yamaguchi) was playing a solitare variant on his laptop. Very cheerful fellow, spoke broken english, which was fine since my japanese was far worse. I asked for the teriyaki bowl and Miso soup. I then went to get a paper.

The food was ready when I got back. Teriyaki chicken, Rice, broccoli and carrots on the side. The miso soup was seriously veggie laden. It was fantastic. a light, but somewhat spicy sauce, sesame seeds everywhere, and the feeling after eating that I was full and done. That never happens. I was expecting to get lunch and then go to jamba juice or something. I couldn't even finish my soda. I haven't felt this way in a long time. So this is 'healthfulness'.

The ambience the place was heightened by the japanese music playing in the background. I can't call it j-pop, because it doesn't sound like the stuff we know of as j-pop. It was...Japanese lounge music. Some of it had a strange noir feel, some was trying for a western riff, one was just some poor bastard who had apparently broken up with 'Laura'. Poor guy. He was really torn up. It was all loungey torchy stuff...Perfect karaoke music. It really heightened the experience.

There was a comment card on the table, and I filled it out. By the time I was done with my meal, the lunch crowd was coming in.

It's 2 hours later, and I'm still full. Fantastic food, and the service was fun. I love this new place.

Flying Kitchen
2863 N. Clark

(773) 880-6681

Just don't call it Flying Chicken.

[ mood | full ]
[ music | Sad song from Ben Folds Five ]

No sleep. New schedule for Christmas, that will work nicely, and days off on appropriate days.

Full of popcorn chicken. Yummy.

Saw lord of the rings last night....

I know there will be complaints. I could care less about the complaints. No one should be critiquing this movie until the last limited edition DVD is available and you're willing to commit to the 10+ hours to watch everything.

Peter Jackson this time around was able to show you what a great war looks like in all its awfulness.

He was able to make you pity gollum.

Legolas: Still so pretty.

There are key critters in LOTR that are at last seen. Fucking wow.


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[ mood | flirty ]
[ music | LOTR soundtrack ]

Today has high potential for loveliness.

Last night, I received gifts from my mother in Law, and G. Truly a victorian motherlode. A Kaleidescope, a bound journal, a music box...

And...Wow. A gold manually winding pocketwatch with exposed parts. I could watch it all day.

Hee. Now I actually have an old-school hypnosis tool!

Today, GV comes to visit. A friend long missed in my heart. So much left unsaid.

After she goes, it's dinner with DS and SS. Fun critters.


Life is sweet.

Now if I could only find some pulleys, some straps, some wire, corset, tights, mask with straps, wig, and a victim, it would be a perfect christmas.

3 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 9.39 am

Sorry people but i have another 12 more enterys to post in.

mood | restless ]
[ music | Something from DDR. ]

Well, yesterday was a waste.

I spent all of yesterday waiting for a printer and GV. Instead, I got a ram card and no GV. Now S's laptop has a gig of ram. Woohoo.

No emails, no calls, nada. No GV. I wonder what happened. I hope she's okay.

On an up note, I'm going through 3 months of Playstation Magazine demo CD's. So far:

Wild Arms 3: Too much cute fun. Wild West fantasy rpg with 'man with no name' style music. It's adorable, espcially since its cel-shaded!

Sly Cooper: It's wonderful. It's so ultra-uber-cool. It'd be cool even if I wasn't a furry wannabe. It's also insanely tough.

Red Faction 2: KILL KILL KILL

Dance Dance Revolution Max: I must have this game...I can't have this game. I must have this game. I can't have this game.

More mini-reviews as I plod through the CD's./

Also, Piro of Megatokyo fame has lost his mind. He's auctioning off a picture of a 'robo-angel' style miho pic. As of this posting, I am the high bidder. WOOT!

mood | groggy ]
[ music | Cherry Twist; Crystal Method ]

Well, here's to hoping a liter of soda will solve my fatigue problems.

Right after work, I went out with S, DD, RR, and H to see Star Trek: Nemesis. I am rapidly learning something with the franchise: Fans or cast members shouldn't write movies. I could give a damn about the wedding of Deanna and Riker, especially with her in an awful dress. The layers of intrigues within the film only have meaning if you've watched -everything-. I think the big relief would have been seeing the wedding on betazed, where everyone was supposed to be naked. I'm all about seeing Michael Dorn's package.

Best quote of the movie:

"All officers will attend the wedding on Betazed. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the gym." -A paraphrasing of Picard-

I just couldn't be pressed to care. I won't reveal all the stuff, but the logo of the movie alone should tell you -where- this film will take place. Even though it features a race of critters that -WE'VE NEVER BLOODY SEEN BEFORE-. *sigh* My complaints on this movie know no boundaries.

Thank god I already have tickets to the midnight Lord of the Rings. now if I could find someone to see 'Equilibrium' and 'Die Another Day', I'd be good.

RR, you need to know that S does not hate you. She thinks you think that because of how you were behaving. It's not true. You were also invited to the place afterwards, but I don't think you caught that. *sigh* I hope things get settled on Monday.

Now on the good side of passive experience, I did get to watch 'Taken'. Neat miniseries. It took on a lot, and I do feel it paid off. Besides, I'm a matt frewer junkie. It's also nice to see someone from Blair Witch find work after that film.

Lilo and Stitch was a -lot- of fun. I likes the fact that the family was an absolute mess. So was Stitch. S makes me speak like Stitch whenever possible.

Finally 'Puppet Princess'. I got this as a gift from DS. It's definitely supposed to be for me. It has everything I need. Puppets, clockwork, horror, ninjas...It's just...It's an OVA. It's a quick-sell story that threw elements into the mix that didn't need to be there. It didn't need comedy or ecchi stuff. All it needed was horror, period action, and romantic tension. I'll make a better movie like this soon.

Finally, I'm listening to LOTR (BBC Radio) with Ian Holm as Frodo. It's beautiful, and well done. I hope to finish with it by the time the next movie comes out.

RL, I found a place downtown that might be fun, although it's currently on the 'trendy' list. Called 'Sugar', it's a dessert bar. It's decked out like willy wonka, and should be diabetic suicide.

That's all for now. I know I'll write more in the near future, but for now, Merry Christmas.

4 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 9.31 am

[ mood | ditzy ]
[ music | As much as my Ipod can handle ]

All right. I'm exhausted, I'm bit cranky, and more than a little hopped up on caffiene.

Work ended at 7:45 this morning, with a meeting at 8am.
8:20 began the meeting, and I got out at 9.
Essentially, I still don't know what my holiday schedule is.

Doesn't matter. Went to bed at nearly 11, and just recently got up.

Waiting for me was...

Read or Die DVD
2 IPODS!!!

I feel better. Still dizzy, but better.

On another note. I finished reading Sarban's 'The Doll Maker'. It's an out of print british horror story from the 50s. Reading it, I swear I'm a reincarnation of the author. Loneliness, Isolation, Control in both the loving and dangerous aspects, ownership of the heart, acceptance of change...It's all there. *shudder* A brilliant read.

Shoppings all done. Time to really sleep.

mood | thankful ]
[ music | (All Neon Like: Bjork)through(No Time for Revolution:Falco) ]

It's 2:30 or so in the morning. I had to cut my thanksgiving holiday short so that I could get sufficient sleep to work 9pm-6am at an underpaying job I hate. Because students are the useless result of sweaty unfulfilling sex by their upper-middle class parents, none of them have enough belief in job integrity to come to work. For fuck's sake, it's Thanksgiving, right?

Because of this, my unpaid superiors engaged in ritual backbiting, trying to convince me that each is better than the other. I was -offered- their job. And if they're no better than I am, neither of them is worth the tryptophan laced feces they'll disgorge in another few hours. Also, at 2 in the morning, my real boss who was forced to use his sick time to attend a funeral had to leave the suburbs and play security guard in one of the buildings. And don't think he won't take it out on everyone.

This Saturday, I will leave work somewhere between six and eight, and go to my first seminar for college, although I've already taken two classes. This is to teach me how to use the program. I learned it from S in about a half hour. This seminar will go from 9-4. From there, I will go home, try to get some sleep so I can repeat this whole process.

So what am I thankful for?
Watch and learn.

I am thankful that the only one who has perfected human cloning is fate. For some reason, when man clones a beast, the result withers and gets smelly. When fate clones, it's almost spot-on.

No one's cloned me yet, thank god. But I have been cloned. My clone lives out in the rural midwest. He's timid, bent, and would rather cuddle up next to a volume of DESTROY ALL MONSTERS than speak to you.

He is also one of the most caring, giving people I know. He wouldn't give you the shirt off his back. That wouldn't complete the wardrobe. Instead he'd bleach his name off his shorts unless you somehow shared the same name.

Thanks for the loan of the shorts, btw.

He's creative as snot, accepting of all things that bring light and joy into the world, and has a way of finding just the right .jpg to keep you locked in warped fantasy for days. He's prozac and a slap in the face at the same time. I couldn't ask for a better friend.


I'm thankful that when -I- thought about slitting my wrists this year, I met someone who shared the same hobby. While dancing around pop culure and cheap language banter, we worked diligently to save each other's lives. It's no fun to commit suicide if everyone's joining in on all the fun, right?

She's neurotic with a past that combines the best elements of 'Flowers in the Attic', 'Mommy Dearest', and 'Deliverance'. Probing her walls requires rubber souls in case of electrocution. She's affected and fronting, and RELISHES it. She loves playing the game, and is glad you're in on it too. And fuck, my cats still talk about her with awe.

She is the other half of my Adam Sandler.


I am thankful that a traumatic past, painful illness, and LOTS of medication somehow expose the best elements in a person. I met this one by accident while trying to figure out what the fun in fur was. 2 hours later, I was outed and had a committed doll fetishist on my hands.

She's been many things, from a military re-enactor to a bounty hunter. From a slave to a boy. Twitchy doesn't describe her. Squaresoft has a running ban on her ever owning Final Fantasy VII. Not so much because it would affect her emotionally, but she knows how to use a shotgun.

If you're her friend, she's like an electromagnet. You won't get rid of her. Some of the smart ones never do. If you're her enemy, be warned. She'll try and be your friend again. She's been whipped more times than a bare-assed teenager at the Marquis De Sade Memorial Barbecue (The secret's in the sauce). It won't matter. With her past, only death can keep her from loving you.

I don't give her enough credit. No matter how bad things get, I always know I'll have her love and support. That is important to me.

I am thankful for S. The reasons have been witheld at the request of the thanked.

I am thankful for JF. His twitchy wife makes great thanksgiving for a vegetarian, and mercifully allowed him to cook a turkey.

I am thankful for Christian furs. I will never be at a loss for laughs.

I am thankful for anime. From Miyazaki to Watasae, you're all playing my song.

I am thankful for Roscoe and Halstead. I can't be gray with so much color.

I am thankful for Roa and Miya. Now I don't have to beat myself up.

I am thankful for key and tama. They show me who my true friends are by sitting on their lap.

I am thankful for D and his lass SS, and their angsty, love-friend-sufferer third L. It's like drama club.

I am thankful for Kigs, ALGs, Robots, Drag Queens, and anyone else with the courage to be themselves by being something entirely different.

I am thankful for Thomas Edison, Leon Theremin, Alan Turing, and Philo T. Farnsworth for inventing the bases for the entertainment I so crave.

I am thanful for Ted Turner. Laugh if you like, but late-night Cowboy Bebop and Mobile Suit Gundam are -his- gifts to -you-.

I am thankful for the BBC. The rest of the world should be too.

I am thankful for E and L. Their pain made me neurotic, their fear made me spastic, and their love kept me alive.

I am thankful for P and N. It used to be fun to have brothers to beat up. It's more fun to have brothers to laugh with.

I am thankful for M. You don't know M? Fools. She will own you.

I am thankful to Godiva and Cadbury. They prove that you can be a fat slob with class.

I am thankful to Yoko Kanno, VNV Nation, Peter Gabriel, and Kate Bush. Without them there would be no stories.

I am thankful to G. In one hand I bear her crystal. In another, I bear her rosary. Somewhere, I hold a piece of her heart.

I am thankful for the law in mexico that says sodas have to be made with real sugar. Jarritos, anyone?

I am thankful for Brian Michael Bendis, Terry Moore, K2R, CLAMP, Alan Moore, and god help me, Phil Folgio. I love their dreams.

I am thankful Japan, France, and Great Britian.

I am thankful for Fred Ghallager, Gloria Higgenbottam, Jennifer Diane Reitz, Greg Dean, Pete Abrams, Bill Holbrook, Poe, Ian McConville,, Emi-chan, Scott Kurtz, Tycho, Dragonfly, Erin Lindsey, Davey Foxfire, Jade Daze, Ian J, Kittyhawk, The Gneech, Eric Schwartz,and David Willis.

I am thankful for cosplay. Mmmmmm....Cosplay.

I am thankful for Ellen Kushner and the fact that she was nice to me.

I am thankful for the myth of Judith Antill, and accept the reality.

I am thankful for Renfaire, and its current leaders.

I am thankful to squaresoft. Who isn't.

I am thankful to God for all of the above, and for never giving up on me.

And now, at 3:30, I'm able to look at this dismal job and smile. Maybe it's the joy of counting my blessings. Maybe it's simply the fantasy of leaving my employers dead in a room coated in blood, come and feces.

You be the judge.

mood | groggy ]
[ music | Sky Blue; Peter Gabriel ]

So I'm on hotel broadband, on S's new Dell with Windows XP. It's nice.

The flight was fine. It was the blasted drive to the hotel that killed me.

I hate driving. I am afraid of driving, especially when I have passengers. S worked to calm me, but was nervous too. We got lost, got found, had parking problems, everything. By the time we got into the hotel room, we were stone dead.

I've only had phone contact with the family, which is nice. Today will be the start of family interaction. But tomorrow, even that will be finished up. Then it's back to work, and all the weirdness there.

I'm reading 'Shot in the heart' by Mikal Gilmore, the brother of Gary Gilmore of 'Executioner's song' fame. In this, I am reading some dark interpretations of mormonism. It's left me with a window into the eyes of Rhaul.

There's a concept in mormonism that I shall research further called 'Blood Atonement'. There are some crimes unpardonable by god. Atonement comes from spilling your blood on the earth. It seems to be part of a savage, survival oriented faith. Something that would be part and parcel of being one of the Wolves.

What if the excuse for the destruction of Rhaul's family line is the practice of a cultic blood-faith? It also would add power to the oath that Rhaul would give in tracking down Sen Kitsu. When Rhaul takes a bride, it comes as a shock to her that he continues to practice this faith, bleeding his children the stain of original sin, and his almost ritual abuse of the disobedient Cyran.

Perhaps Maris' first sign of strength is to leave Rhaul. What could she have on him, aside from the practice of the faith, though, that would prevent Rhaul from killing her outright when she pushed it? Or is it a loophole in the faith that protects the mother?

Regardless. I'm seeing a new depth to Rhaul, and to the damage he caused to Cyran and Barnard.

2 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 8.29 am

"Do you know my brother?"

Lady Caerien continued her walk, graceful and delicate, ignoring the small, silver haired girl beside her. Caerien was the model of refinement. Her face never shifted from the perpetual disdain appropriate to a teacher of protocol. Every movement was elegant, precise and with intent. Every word carefully measured. It was such a contrast compared to Romuel Okani who strode next to her. Her stride was loud and determined, matching Caerien’s swift walk. Romuel’s face did not mask her rage, made all the more ugly by the tear-shaped wound on her right eye that was only now beginning to heal. Caerien’s voice was light compared to Romuel’s vicious whisper. Caerien pretended to ponder as she spoke.

"I know of him. He does have a reputation."

Caerien had been avoiding Romuel for days, hoping time would cool the decision she knew was in the girl’s heart. The labyrinth of Academy had made it easy. There were countless turns, endless hallways, and always a crowd to disappear into. Bad timing had crippled her plans, as Caerien’s path and Romuel’s did not meet in the late afternoon. This day, another instructor had detained Romuel, to express his sympathy and concern after the child’s attack. It was a foolish hope that the instructor’s words of solace would enter Romuel’s heart.

"Is it deserved?"

Once Caerien’s eyes met hers, Romuel stopped even pretending to listen to the instructor. She tracked Caerien down the hall with her eyes, and simply broke off the conversation when Caerien turned the corner. Romuel was uncannily swift. Before Caerien could hide, Romuel was side by side with her, looking as if she were ready to fight. Caerien hoped she had the means to diffuse the situation.

"I cannot say, Miss Okani.."

She let the words fall easily, gently. Romuel had not yet learned how to avoid spectacle. Others were noticing Romuel’s angry stride, so incongruous with the retreating child of the past year. She hoped her own words would serve as an efficient dismissal. Romuel instead put her hand to the sword that was a part of every Squire’s uniform.

"Would you say he is a good man, then?" she hissed at her instructor. Caerien prayed for patience, not willing to be baited. "I have never been wronged by him," she said mildly.

"I say he’s not." Romuel said threateningly.

Romuel was pushing this too far, and everyone was taking notice. If they stayed out in the open, one of them was likely to do something stupid, and Caerien refused to let this escalate in public. Caerien swiftly turned into an empty room, and Romuel followed suit. Romuel, however, did not stop as rapidly as Caerien, and Caerien closed the door behind them, locking it. No one could see or hear them in the empty classroom. She tried to gaze down Romuel’s challenge, her hand on the sword at her belt in the same manner as Romuel’s sword-grasp.

"Don’t say what you can’t take back."

Romuel remained defiant. "I say it. Even though you’re protecting him."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because he’s one of you. One of them."

Romuel stood her ground. She was so fragile, Caerien mused. So much smaller than her siblings, her wit and speed such drastically different gifts from anyone else in the Okani family. She should grow up to be a lady. She should use her mind to benefit the country. But in those eyes, all she saw was a bloody sword. The sword Caerien, Cyran, and the rest of the Society weilded.

"Tell this to the headmaster, then-"

"No," Romuel cut her off, her whisper blending fear with fury. "He does not control my fate." She continued, trembling.

Caerien felt a hundred years old. This challenge had to be answered. If she could have chosen any path for this fragile girl, it would not be this. Caerien had envisioned Romuel as a member of court, like her mother. Her natural intelligence and with would be an advantage. In time Romuel would come into her mother’s looks, and be desired by someone worthy of her. Academy would be a distant, if painful memory. Instead, all there was nothing but a driving intensity. A desire for the bloody road. Caerien took a deep breath, closed her eyes an asked the question flatly.

"Who controls your fate?"

Romuel drew her blade and raised it in a salute. The blade split her face in two, dividing the innocent promise of the past from the scar of the present. Her voice was even, as directed as her glistening eyes. Somehow, Caerien prayed, there had to be another way.

"My fate rests on the tip of my sword."

Caerien shook her head. The fury in Romuel’s eyes shifted to confusion, and then to panic. She knelt, offering the blade to Caerien, repeating the same words over again. Caerien wept inside for Romuel, knowing that if she took the blade, the child was lost forever. Tears formed at the edge of Romuel’s eyes, making her wound glisten. In that moment, Caerien grasped the sword, raising it. Romuel let out her breath, the rage leaving her.

"This isn’t a proper sword. It’s for battle, not honor."

Romuel rose, standing at attention. Caerien saw the chill as the fury bled from Romuel, turning into a cold determination. The silvery eyes were ice cold, meeting Caerien with murderous intent. Romuel’s name meant ‘winter angel’, and in seeing the woman now before her. She saw winter’s finality. Romuel had won. Everything had led to this unseen ritual, and Romuel’s future place in the Society. Had she known this would be the result, Caerien would have challenged and killed Cyran years ago.

"Where will I find honor?"

Caerien looked helplessly at her future protégé. Any other path was gone. She placed her hand on Romuel’s shoulder, gazing into eyes that hid pain behind a relentless will.

"In the blood of your rival."

"Where is my sword?"

"You’ll have it."


"When you make your challenge."

"I name my brother, Cyran Okani as my rival. He is without honor."

"And should he contest this?

"We will face each other, and I will prevail."

"Challenge him, then. The Duelists will not stop you."

"No one will."

Caerien unlatched the door, holding the Romuel’s old sword, offering it back. Romuel took the blade and left. She closed the door again, locking it once more. It would be unseemly for those to see Lady Caerien, at the same time Squire, Instructor, and Duelist, weep for a little girl.

1 did | stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 8.17 am

What's YOUR Writing Style?

brought to you by Quizilla

You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat fear in your readers. You love to poke their brains with logic dealing with the darker side of the human mind and character. Truly surprising and a true individual, you'll do ANYTHING to create a scene. :)


mood | accomplished ]
[ music | Moby: sky is broken ]

Sometimes, E sends me some goofy quizzes.

The inkblot exam indicated the following:

your unconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.
Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.


This is what happens when you don't see cock everywhere.

I think that's part of the problem. I don't see those things. Even when I think about sex, it's in the abstract. It's the scenarios, the psychology that I admire more than the actual play. Then again, it's hard for me to be touched, and harder still for another to control my passion, as would be normal.

christmas shopping went without a hitch. RL, I hope you like it. I feel bad, because my first two choices were total duds. Maybe I'll be able to pick them up later. S is getting a snoopy sno cone maker. E is getting a funny game. I didn't have the heart to give her FFVII. She asked me if she should watch 'Graveyard of the Fireflies'. I told her she would feel more cheerful watching kittens drown.

I picked up the obligatory videos; LOTR:SE and SW:AOTC. I wanted more Berserk, but my brother and soon-to-be sister in-law's wedding gift took priority. I think the coolest thing I picked up was the dvd box set of the Don Bluth Laserdisc games. I hope S's dad gets a kick out of it.

I don't want to go to the wedding. I hate being the fat kid.

'Fall of the Kings' is Brilliant. Along with 'Swordspoint', it's must-read ST material.

I was asked to do a story about sasha from MBH. Who knew?

I love diddles. I could have talked to the trio for hours.

And I'm still not sure about any superhero outfit that was supervised by E.

4 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 8.02 am

[11 |2002|05:40am]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Peter Gabriel-Signal To Noise ]

A quiet night, and my meetings for the next day were cancelled. My weekend begins, I guess. I hope. I've made plans with an old friend, J, to watch 'Peeping Tom' at my house. I have to show others this before I give it away. Tuesday, It's private time with me and S.

I'm calm with my job. I watched the same person who triggered me fall into the building not an hour ago, even more drunk than before. He could barely walk. It simply made me sad. Another person trying to destroy themselves. Reminds me, I have to talk to R. soon. (And if you're eavesdropping, R, I'm teasing! Call me!) I cancelled my meeting with my boss for this morning, I believe to go over my editied review. It was scheduled to occur after the morning meeting. since he canceled the morning meeting, I felt it behooved me to cancel the other.

Let me be straight on this. Every monday or so, we're called for a meeting at 7am. 1 hour after our shift ends. For me, that's also on my weekend. Recently, such meetings have been at 7:30 am. I can't envision waiting an hour or two for a meeting with no timeframe. So I called, saying that since the morning meeting was cancelled, I had things to take care of with S, and could we reschedule the meeting for Tuesday or Wednesday? I hope that's polite enough.

All I want to do is go to bed. I want to begin my 'weekend', clean up the place, and move on. I want to keep doing my job until I transfer, doing the best that I can. G says I'll transfer soon. Here's hoping the witch is right.

Got my writing assignment in at 4:30 am. It was tough. The goal was to write an argument where one member was silent, or that the reader could only hear one of the arguers. 500 words later, here was my attempt:


"I want a name."

Romuel stood at attention as she faced the desk. She tried her best to remain rigid, but her body still ached. To all appearances, she had only received the one cut beneath her eye. In time, the scar would heal. Nothing else showed. All she had to do was remain quiet and this would all pass.

The headmaster rose from his seat, holding a sheet of paper. Beside him was Romuel’s guardian within Academy, Lady Caerien. Romuel dimly remembered her presence afterwards, as she was recovering and Miya was screaming. She could only stare at Caerien’s placid face as the headmaster walked outside her vision, past her bandaged eye.

"In my examination, I found extensive bruises across the cadet’s body," read the headmaster, his voice lowering. She could hear the rustle of paper shaking in his hands. "And injuries concurrent with…" He choked, unable to speak for a moment. "Give me his name, Cadet." His voice was a whisper, the shout buried under a trembling attempt at control. Romuel remained silent, focusing on the lady who had to have delivered the traitorous report. This could have been so easy. For all appearances, it looked like a fight had happened, nothing more. Romuel hated complications.

"This isn’t honor, Cadet. This isn’t some classroom brawl, or petty crime. This is a violation of God’s law. Someone has to be held accountable." This wasn’t the dressing down that Romuel had expected. It was difficult for her to stand as it was, without waiting so long. It was becoming hard to listen to the headmaster, and she was so very tired.

"Your partner, Miya Kitsu, is going to be brought in shortly." He said, changing tactics. His voice became more measured. He held the goad of his office, a wooden rod with an iron core. It was a tool of discipline. He held it in his hand as if it contained all the solutions in world. "Even if she doesn’t have the answers I need, I will punish her for failing to be by your side to protect you." Romuel tightened, taking in a breath. She had placed herself in this situation to protect Miya. Only Romuel had known of the danger to her partner and friend. And silence would protect her own honor. No one had to ever know. Secrets were the mortar that held Academy together. The headmaster had to understand…

"Someone will be punished!"

The headmaster began to beat the goad upon his desk, shattering the wood easily. Romuel bounced, trying to regain her stance as he savaged the furniture, splintering it into ruin. It seemed to Romuel that it was improper for the headmaster to be crying while he performed such a violent act. Lady Caerien held his shoulder when he was done. "I have a daughter her age…" he mumbled, pointing to Romuel. His words were no longer angry but sorrowful, as Caerien held him, allowing the Rock of Academy to weep.

Romuel sighed. "Am I dismissed, sir?"


I'm really not pleased with this. And this isn't my self-hatred bleeding in. I'm not sure what's wrong with the piece, but it doesn't feel right. suggestions are appreciated.

5 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2003 1 January :: 7.44 am

[ mood | thankful

I'm an hour away from getting on the trains to Midway airport. Not long afterwards, I'll fly away to Minneapolis and spend several days at a mellow convention with professional writers and S. I can't wait to hang out with S. I know that there are a lot of maritial benefits included, but hanging out seems to be ideal.

I've been so blue this year. There have been so many wonderful things, but the getting them seems to have really left me desolate. This year, I began college again, I'm on my second writing class, I've written more Squire's Tale than I ever have, and I'm months into a positive theraputic experience. I've gained new friends, and have been able to explore more intimate closeness with old ones. My brother's marrying the woman of his dreams. My other brother returns from Zanzibar, and I got to spend time alone with my sister. I found a forum of nice, if painfully young, people who have been extremely supportive.

It's amazing how one crappy job can make you forget so much.

But I haven't forgotten. Maybe this vacation will make me remember more.

And dearest diddle; I need your help. I'm hearing Roa's voice...And it's Rebekah's.

mood | gloomy ]

I have to admit to myself that my life will always be this bad.

Last night, a student was verbally abusive to me. He was extremely drunk, and when for the third time he tossed my things to the floor, I grabbed his shirt. Once I realized that I had done this, I knew everything was over. I let go, and took my break, my relief arriving.

I realize now that this person was likely so drunk, nothing will come of it. I wrote a report, omitting the shirt part. My supervisor only saw him being abusive to me. But the thing is, I lost control, and it may cost me my job.

So what, you ask? It's a job you hate. We all know that. We even know it treats you badly. Why not walk away before they can get rid of you?


If I leave, S doesn't get a free education. Also I'll have proven to S that I can't actually hold a job. The education is the only thing I can materially contribute to this relationship, aside from paying bills. It's the proof that I can support her still. As for the second part, I need to prove to S and myself that I have some strength. In the past, I used to fold. Now, that's changed. This job is the worst I have ever had in my life, and I've made it. Doesn't that prove some strength?

Thank god for therapy. It's proven to me that the overwhelming desire to die is a panic reaction, and not a genuine emotion. What wonders will I discover next year?

5 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up

[ RagDoll ]

:: 2002 28 December :: 9.59 am

Well since it was christam i have not been able to get n line and write beacuse they all would tell me off cuz im always on here, so i just wrote it down day to day and then i can post um all one by one when i get round to it, so here they are..............

[24 |07:07pm]

mood | sick ]
[ music | That damn Hamtaro Song ]


Head hurts, stuffed up, feel yellow. Bleah...

And I've got work tonight.

Well, time to quit bitching, get dinner on, and do laundry.


[28 |05:29am]
[ mood | enraged ]
[ music | Futureperfect; VNV nation ]

It's amazing how a simple phone call can set me off.

I'm sick. I'm exhausted. All I want to do is sleep and try and heal so that my vacation is worthwhile. I figured that on Monday, I could do that.

No such luck. At 1pm, I have to meet for my six month review.

Six months. Six months that ended July 2. Four months without a review. Four months without a pay raise. Four months without any acknowledgement of what I was doing. -Now-, I'm going to get my review. Because, at last, the superior to my superior has written his comments. A superior who not only has not interacted with me, but has made it clear that he wants no communication whatsoever with people subordinate to his subordinates.

I just want to transfer. I don't even want a raise. I just want to get the hell out of dodge before I'm forced to wear a uniform and handcuffs, sealing me forever in a role I took out of a foolish idea to give myself and my wife a degree. There was no point to any of this pain. NO POINT TO ANY OF THIS PAIN. I have gone through hell with this job, doing everything in my power to do my job to the best of my ability. What am I going to get in return? The possibility of less than nothing. The possibility of a review that could harm my chances for transfer.

There was no point to this pain. No point to the therapy. No point to the sorrow. I am going to be weighed, measured and found wanting by people less than myself. I will never have my dreams. I am empty. Hollow.

[31 |04:58am]
[ mood | thankful ]

I'm an hour away from getting on the trains to Midway airport. Not long afterwards, I'll fly away to Minneapolis and spend several days at a mellow convention with professional writers and S. I can't wait to hang out with S. I know that there are a lot of maritial benefits included, but hanging out seems to be ideal.

I've been so blue this year. There have been so many wonderful things, but the getting them seems to have really left me desolate. This year, I began college again, I'm on my second writing class, I've written more Squire's Tale than I ever have, and I'm months into a positive theraputic experience. I've gained new friends, and have been able to explore more intimate closeness with old ones. My brother's marrying the woman of his dreams. My other brother returns from Zanzibar, and I got to spend time alone with my sister. I found a forum of nice, if painfully young, people who have been extremely supportive.

It's amazing how one crappy job can make you forget so much.

But I haven't forgotten. Maybe this vacation will make me remember more.

And dearest diddle; I need your help. I'm hearing Roa's voice...And it's Rebekah's.

[30 |09:28am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | That damn Brunching Shuttlecocks Bjork song ]

Tomorrow is vacation and World Fantasy Con.

All I can see is an opportunity to sleep properly and be with Shauna.

I'm not concerned about my writing. Givewn my pace, I should be an author by the age of 75. After roughly 45 years as Depaul security.

Spent time with D last night. For the first time ever, he hinted at the possibility of collaboration. Wow.

I love collaborations. It always inspires me to do things, and with the right person, allows me in allegory to express things that fall in the 'better left unsaid' category. Which seems to be the proper location for most of my feelings.

Please know; I loved brass heart world. It killed me to do what I did. And I'm still having a hard time recovering.

2 did

| stuff me with ur love and stitch me up | Random Journal