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gillette (profile) wrote,
on 10-9-2012 at 4:14pm
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't deal with real life. Why am I so weak? I have a bachelor's degree that I can't do anything with except go to grad school but that seems to overwhelming for me to even think about. Every time it crosses my mind that I need to apply, I quickly think of something else. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself. Next month I have to start paying back all of my student loans and I have a job making $11/hour. I also am going to be getting less on my paychecks b/c I need to start paying for benefits. I just want to run away and not deal with anything. I had this magical life pictured in my head that I would go to college, go straight through to grad school, become a speech pathologist, have money and not struggle like my parents. It seems like that is too far out of my comfort zone and what I'm familiar with. I'm familiar with pain, no money and struggle. My mom struggles every day and cries to me b/c they can't afford fuel oil or the bills. I literally feel like I want to bash my head into a wall everyday b/c of how my life has turned out. And it's nobody's fault but my own. I hide from everything I should be doing and then sit here and cry b/c of how it is.

I'm literally afraid to check my cmich email b/c my two professors that said they would write letters of rec for me have probably been emailing me wondering if I died or something. Why am I afraid to do GOOD for myself?
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10-09-12 5:50pm

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10-09-12 5:52pm

Are you me? Just graduated. Afraid of the pressures of grad school. Worried about loans. Avoiding letters of recommendation from my professors. Although, we differ in that I haven't been able to find a job and I am very close to moving back in with my parents because my worthless self has them paying all of my bills.

There seems to be similarities...

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10-09-12 9:26pm

You are not alone.

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Re: , 10-11-12 2:44pm

not by a long shot.

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10-15-12 9:20pm

Income based repayment. (

The way the economy is right now you might never have to pay the things. At the very least it could let you pass the buck down the road a few years without too big of a hit.

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Re: , 12-04-12 7:38pm

thank you everyone, it makes me feel better that I'm not alone...

and thanks for the link! I need to go fill that stuff out! I got them deferred until January but they told me to go and fill out income based stuff so that just reminded me I need to do that! I appreciate it :)

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