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|gillette (profile) wrote, |
on 10-9-2012 at 4:14pm
|I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't deal with real life. Why am I so weak? I have a bachelor's degree that I can't do anything with except go to grad school but that seems to overwhelming for me to even think about. Every time it crosses my mind that I need to apply, I quickly think of something else. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself. Next month I have to start paying back all of my student loans and I have a job making $11/hour. I also am going to be getting less on my paychecks b/c I need to start paying for benefits. I just want to run away and not deal with anything. I had this magical life pictured in my head that I would go to college, go straight through to grad school, become a speech pathologist, have money and not struggle like my parents. It seems like that is too far out of my comfort zone and what I'm familiar with. I'm familiar with pain, no money and struggle. My mom struggles every day and cries to me b/c they can't afford fuel oil or the bills. I literally feel like I want to bash my head into a wall everyday b/c of how my life has turned out. And it's nobody's fault but my own. I hide from everything I should be doing and then sit here and cry b/c of how it is.
I'm literally afraid to check my cmich email b/c my two professors that said they would write letters of rec for me have probably been emailing me wondering if I died or something. Why am I afraid to do GOOD for myself?
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Are you me? Just graduated. Afraid of the pressures of grad school. Worried about loans. Avoiding letters of recommendation from my professors. Although, we differ in that I haven't been able to find a job and I am very close to moving back in with my parents because my worthless self has them paying all of my bills.
You are not alone.
Re: , 10-11-12 2:44pm
not by a long shot.
Income based repayment. (http://studentaid.ed.gov/repay-loans/understand/plans/income-based)
Re: , 12-04-12 7:38pm
thank you everyone, it makes me feel better that I'm not alone...