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shalee
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2008 17 July :: 2.17pm
:: Music: Almost Lover: A Fine Frenzy
In every single letter, in every single word, there will be a hidden message about a girl who loves a boy.
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godessalthena
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2008 16 July :: 9.04am
i'm starting to think i should stay away from woohu...
it just makes me depressed because everyone on here is depressed...
yesterday was a horrible day..
i was so upset and angry and hurt yesterday..
i really hate my job...
and i really hate most of the people there..
and i just..
i wish people were happy.
and they weren't assholes..
and they kept secrets..
and they didn't lie about other people..
i'm getting sick of humans again. GRRR
tonight~!!!!
I'm driving to spokane!!!!!
and i get to see LAUREN!!!
and my family!
and yay!
2 = |
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rorin
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2008 15 July :: 10.40pm
So my life recently...
Has consisted of work, WoW (yes, I succumb and created an account which isn't too bad if you have someone to do everything with :P), Donkey Kong 64, and Harry Potter.
I'm gunna start babysitting Stan's little girl Zoe next week. He's the owner of The Soda Factory. She's SO frikkin cute. And I really miss being with children. I can't stop thinking about my Morrows in these summer. I love those kids and miss them like crazy.
So yes, that's it. No real friends or anything. Just Ry. Which is nice.
But I do miss them... But they don't miss me :P
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2008 15 July :: 10.43am
going home tomorrow night..
little nervous..
little excited..
i just don't know what to expect..
GAAAHHH
i just hope nothing goes bad..
haha
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rorin
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2008 14 July :: 4.23pm
FUCK
distance.
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godessalthena
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2008 11 July :: 9.59am
:)
life is so wonderful.
3 = |
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godessalthena
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2008 5 July :: 6.15pm
things seem to just...
i don't really know what to say. i do so many things thinking it'll make me happy, but i really don't feel happy most of the time...
like today.. i had fun hanging out with someone new.. but talking to him made me feel depressed... i don't know what it is about certain people... maybe it's just because people who i actually talk to remind me so much of myself that it makes me feel bad...
makes me feel bad about being... me...
and i know it's all in my head, because i'm a good person and people like me... but when i talk to people so many of my faults come out that it just makes me so... upset that i have to be like this...
and it makes me feel so alone... i know this won't work out... no matter how much i want to have a good friend, i just can't help feel like it's going to be like every other man i've met since i've moved here...
at some point you'd think that i would hate men and just give up.. but most women are more of a liability than an asset unfortunately...
someday i'll make the friends that i need... i won't always feel so alone or so... self-loathing...
i really miss my family.. i know they don't miss me the same as i miss them... and i know i don't show it.. but in all honesty, they are really the only people i talk about here... they are always on my mind... i really miss having them close to me...
i can't wait to start my own family...
<3 amelia.
p.s. i got my ears pierced today! two more on my right lobe. sooo bad ass.
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aerii
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2008 30 June :: 1.04pm
Last night sucked so hardcore.
I think that's the last time I hang out with Quin and Morgan together.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but i'm kind of getting sick of it.
Maybe I just want someone to show me that they care. That sound's pretty lame but I'm not feeling it.
There were seven cop cars in front of my neighbors house when I got home from work yesterday, it was pretty ridiculous. Apparently, some 40 year old dude died and it was "suspicious".
Thursday, hopefully me and Zak Attack will go to Airway Heights and load up on fireworks for the fourth. :D
I'm pretty excited for that.
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godessalthena
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2008 28 June :: 9.51am
so it looks like things may start changing for me... which is good and what I need...
kirk and i talked last night... we're going to start looking for a new place that's less expensive and bigger. because i know they're out there. at eat a place bigger for the same price. this place is too expensive for how much space we have...
and kirk's looking at things, but i don't want to say much about that because it's really all his choice and i'm not sure how he really feels about it.
i'm going back to school part time, because i'd rather just work and learn a little of what i want rather than putting myself into debt. i really want to buy a motorcycle. that's what i've really been wanting to do. a crotch rocket. but we'll see.
we might even get a dog if we get a bigger place! which would rock. i really want a dog.
hmm...
yeah, so yesterday kinda sucked and kinda rocked. so... we'll see where this takes us.
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godessalthena
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2008 27 June :: 6.48pm
wall-e is the cutest movie ever! <3
2 = |
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godessalthena
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2008 27 June :: 10.23am
allergies are bad this year.
my bird really doesn't like me for no good reason...
i, once again, am doing nothing on my day off other than dishes and the cat box... I hate days off just because it reminds me of how lonely i am.
DAMN YOU SLEEPY KIRK GO TO BED EARLIER!
at least it's a really pretty day outside. maybe i can go swimming today! that would be so fun.
i want to get another tattoo soon...... i wish i wasn't so afraid of my parents... what they'll think... stuff like that... it's my body i can do with it as i please... at least it isn't drugs or sex with strangers... i mean... the places are clean and the needles are sterile... it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. yeah they're permanent... but i can cover them up with clothing and what not.
i just don't get it. but i hate their disapproval. but i can't let their.. not acceptingness of what i love get in the way of doing what makes me happy.
I AM SUCH A FREAKING LOSER OMG.
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aerii
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2008 25 June :: 2.28pm
i feel like we're in an ocean... in separate boats... drifting away from each other... except i'm not in a boat, and you're rowing away from me... laughing about it...
1 = |
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rorin
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2008 22 June :: 9.49pm
The alcohol and demerol
Never could replace
What a minute with you could do
To put a smile on my face...
I'm dying of a broken heart,
And it's all that I have caused...
1 = |
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rorin
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2008 22 June :: 9.49pm
The alcohol and demerol
Never could replace
What a minute with you could do
To put a smile on my face...
I'm dying of a broken heart,
And it's all that I have caused...
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aerii
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2008 14 June :: 1.47am
80's dance party?
i think so.
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aerii
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2008 9 June :: 7.33pm
people are so nice these days
I'm glad I have the chance to have assholes insult me all the time
:D
2 = |
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rorin
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2008 8 June :: 11.47pm
Hey fuckie...?
Go fuck yourself.
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rorin
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2008 7 June :: 6.46pm
When I said...
That what you said didn't hurt...
I lied. It feels like you stabbed me and tore out my heart.
2 = |
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poisonedheart
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2008 4 June :: 11.19pm
I just realized my life is meaningless and will never have any impact on the world.
Crap.
3 = |
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rorin
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2008 4 June :: 10.55pm
"I would do anything to protect you Lauren..." <333333333333333
2 = |
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aerii
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2008 3 June :: 8.45pm
two hours tomorrow
and i'm done.
it hasn't hit me yet.
2 = |
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poisonedheart
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2008 2 June :: 10.21pm
I'm thinking of moving away.
I don't know where to, I just want to leave.
1 = |
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shalee
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2008 2 June :: 7.44pm
I didn't say it would be easy.. I said it would be worth it.
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rorin
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2008 1 June :: 9.48am
:: Mood: tired as fuck
MSI
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways...
1. touching Jimmy Urine <3
2. getting a signature from Kitty <3
3. playing faggot <3
4. playing never wanted to dance (which I had in my head all day) <3
5. well... everything pretty much. it was the best concert ever.
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aerii
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2008 29 May :: 6.53pm
three and a half days until high school is behind me
2 = |
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rorin
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2008 28 May :: 11.40pm
:: Mood: down and broken
I can't.
He left this morning for North Carolina. 5 days shouldn't feel so bad but yesterday feels like light years from now and it's like I've been away from him for all eternity. The empty missing feeling grows and grows and I feel like there's an oval-shaped hole in my middle. It's gushing blood and I'm screaming for help but no one can hear me... Because yesterday was just yesterday and not light years away... so I have no logical reason to feel this way.
love isn't logical.
I can't fix it.
I can't help.
I can't be the friend I once was.
Here I am crying about not being with Ryan and here you have no one.
I'm selfish and empty. I want my best friend back.
Sometimes it feels hard to call you that. I mean... I want to, you just probably don't. I know how you like people who spend time with you to be your best friends. And here I can't only I want to so bad.
And then there's Anna. I can't be her best friend because she doesn't want to be mine.
It's like I'm screaming for someone who won't ever be there.
Again, I'm selfish... But I really want a best friend.
And no one is it.
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godessalthena
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2008 28 May :: 9.16pm
I miss me...
I miss so much about me.. I miss the way I used to look... The way I used to feel... The way I used to think...
Now I'm just bitter and cynical and I hate everything and everyone... And It's so disgusting... I do horrible things when I'm alone. I make bad choices and I do things that would hurt everyone... I just don't know where I went...
I feel like the second I left Spokane the first time is the second I let go of everything that was good about myself. All I do is tease people here... And make them feel horrible about themselves. I just point out their faults and never give them an inch to make mistakes.... What am I doing? I'm not helping anyone when I'm like this...
But I don't remember how to be the way i was. I've been hurt so much, by me and by others. I'm just so stupid to think I was getting better. If anything I've become a person that I would have hated...
Come to think of it.. Jason was a lot like me. And I really do think I hate Jason on some level. Every time I was with him he made me see everything that was wrong with me in him. He was just like me, cold, heartless and doing bad things, but not caring. He had lost any semblance of justice or goodness. He was just a hollow person hiding behind some ideology to make himself feel better about the person he had become... I don't really have anything to hide behind, I just fake ignorance to the bad in me. I just don't acknowledge it as a character flaw...
But now when I'm really honest, the whole of me is a flaw. I've lost all my beauty and I hide behind my hair dye and my makeup and my tattoos, hoping that somehow, everyone will be fooled by this fakeness I build up on the outside of myself. I don't know if I have anyone fooled except myself, but no one here has said anything about it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...
I've been searching since I've moved to Bellevue for something that makes me happy. For something to take up my time and to help me forget about all the bad things that have ruined my heart... And everything I try feels so fake. It makes me feel guilty. I try to fill my body with art, I try to build things, to cook, to bake, to paint... All those things make me happy, but they all make me feel fake and guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldn't enjoy these things. Maybe I'm just trying to be normal...
Maybe I am just normal and I can't deal with it. Being bad is easier than being normal. But my friends here all assure me that what I do is normal. And that I'm just like everyone else my age... But why don't I feel 20? I feel like I've lived forever and I'm just waiting to die so I can go and burn in Hell.
I feel so stupid saying these things... But I don't know where else I can just get all this stuff out without risking Kirk seeing it... Or being interrupted.. I just have so much frustration and anger towards myself for changing everything I liked or should have liked about me.
What the hell does anyone see in me anymore? Or they all still here because of sweet memories of me? Or am I just being completely stupid and I haven't really changed that much?
I'm so diluted. I should just stop now...
peace&love <3 amelia
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godessalthena
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2008 24 May :: 4.41pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: random stuff
nothing is right
i dyed my hair today. i smell pretty.
i think my parents will hate me when i visit. because i'll have more body art. and i really feel like it will alienate me more. but i like it and i don't want to not get it just because of my family.
do you ever feel like everything you say is completely trivial. why the hell am i even talking about anything? i'm having one of those days.
my days off are pointless. i don't do anything and it's so boring here. it's beautiful outside, but i don't want to go out alone. what's the point of adventuring if you have no one to go with you?
i miss having friends. i miss having people to hang out with and talk to and feel and want to touch. people here... they make me happy that people don't like touching me. i don't really want them to touch me. maybe i'm sick. idk, but the people here aren't people. they are... something else... adults. but really crappy adults. they have all the crappy qualities of adults and teenagers mixed together.
i think i'm very harsh with the people here. but i can't trust them and i certainly don't want to give any part of my heart to them. i know what they do with hearts like mine.
except... my heart is fuckered up now. and i'm so cold and mean. i push everyone away. i don't get it. i'm so alone and desperate for friendship, but i push everyone away because they aren't what i want. what do i want..? not these people. not the people at work. i had a dream about jason the other night. he txted me telling me he missed me. hahaha i'm so fucked up.
i've started talking in my sleep on a much more regular basis now. i have no idea why. i can't even remember what i would have been saying.
oh well.
what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
sigh.
3 = |
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aerii
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2008 14 May :: 6.04am
It feels good to conquer what you're battling.
Now all I have left to fight is Jeff Reyburn's College Prep English class.
Haha?
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rorin
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2008 13 May :: 10.28pm
Do you ever feel like...
other people are more glamorous than you?
I don't stop thinking about it.
2 = |
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