<center>pathos

:: 2008 22 June :: 9.49pm

The alcohol and demerol
Never could replace
What a minute with you could do
To put a smile on my face...

I'm dying of a broken heart,
And it's all that I have caused...

1 = | +

:: 2008 22 June :: 9.49pm

The alcohol and demerol
Never could replace
What a minute with you could do
To put a smile on my face...

I'm dying of a broken heart,
And it's all that I have caused...

:: 2008 14 June :: 1.47am

80's dance party?

i think so.

:: 2008 9 June :: 7.33pm

people are so nice these days

I'm glad I have the chance to have assholes insult me all the time

:D

2 = | +

:: 2008 8 June :: 11.47pm

Hey fuckie...?
Go fuck yourself.

:: 2008 7 June :: 6.46pm

When I said...
That what you said didn't hurt...
I lied. It feels like you stabbed me and tore out my heart.

2 = | +

:: 2008 4 June :: 11.19pm

I just realized my life is meaningless and will never have any impact on the world.

Crap.

3 = | +

:: 2008 4 June :: 10.55pm

"I would do anything to protect you Lauren..." <333333333333333

2 = | +

:: 2008 3 June :: 8.45pm

two hours tomorrow
and i'm done.

it hasn't hit me yet.

2 = | +

:: 2008 2 June :: 10.21pm

I'm thinking of moving away.

I don't know where to, I just want to leave.

1 = | +

shalee

:: 2008 2 June :: 7.44pm

I didn't say it would be easy.. I said it would be worth it.

:: 2008 1 June :: 9.48am
:: Mood: tired as fuck

MSI
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways...
1. touching Jimmy Urine <3
2. getting a signature from Kitty <3
3. playing faggot <3
4. playing never wanted to dance (which I had in my head all day) <3
5. well... everything pretty much. it was the best concert ever.

:: 2008 29 May :: 6.53pm

three and a half days until high school is behind me

2 = | +

:: 2008 28 May :: 11.40pm
:: Mood: down and broken

I can't.
He left this morning for North Carolina. 5 days shouldn't feel so bad but yesterday feels like light years from now and it's like I've been away from him for all eternity. The empty missing feeling grows and grows and I feel like there's an oval-shaped hole in my middle. It's gushing blood and I'm screaming for help but no one can hear me... Because yesterday was just yesterday and not light years away... so I have no logical reason to feel this way.
love isn't logical.

I can't fix it.
I can't help.
I can't be the friend I once was.

Here I am crying about not being with Ryan and here you have no one.

I'm selfish and empty. I want my best friend back.

Sometimes it feels hard to call you that. I mean... I want to, you just probably don't. I know how you like people who spend time with you to be your best friends. And here I can't only I want to so bad.
And then there's Anna. I can't be her best friend because she doesn't want to be mine.

It's like I'm screaming for someone who won't ever be there.
Again, I'm selfish... But I really want a best friend.
And no one is it.

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 28 May :: 9.16pm

I miss me...

I miss so much about me.. I miss the way I used to look... The way I used to feel... The way I used to think...

Now I'm just bitter and cynical and I hate everything and everyone... And It's so disgusting... I do horrible things when I'm alone. I make bad choices and I do things that would hurt everyone... I just don't know where I went...

I feel like the second I left Spokane the first time is the second I let go of everything that was good about myself. All I do is tease people here... And make them feel horrible about themselves. I just point out their faults and never give them an inch to make mistakes.... What am I doing? I'm not helping anyone when I'm like this...

But I don't remember how to be the way i was. I've been hurt so much, by me and by others. I'm just so stupid to think I was getting better. If anything I've become a person that I would have hated...

Come to think of it.. Jason was a lot like me. And I really do think I hate Jason on some level. Every time I was with him he made me see everything that was wrong with me in him. He was just like me, cold, heartless and doing bad things, but not caring. He had lost any semblance of justice or goodness. He was just a hollow person hiding behind some ideology to make himself feel better about the person he had become... I don't really have anything to hide behind, I just fake ignorance to the bad in me. I just don't acknowledge it as a character flaw...

But now when I'm really honest, the whole of me is a flaw. I've lost all my beauty and I hide behind my hair dye and my makeup and my tattoos, hoping that somehow, everyone will be fooled by this fakeness I build up on the outside of myself. I don't know if I have anyone fooled except myself, but no one here has said anything about it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...

I've been searching since I've moved to Bellevue for something that makes me happy. For something to take up my time and to help me forget about all the bad things that have ruined my heart... And everything I try feels so fake. It makes me feel guilty. I try to fill my body with art, I try to build things, to cook, to bake, to paint... All those things make me happy, but they all make me feel fake and guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldn't enjoy these things. Maybe I'm just trying to be normal...

Maybe I am just normal and I can't deal with it. Being bad is easier than being normal. But my friends here all assure me that what I do is normal. And that I'm just like everyone else my age... But why don't I feel 20? I feel like I've lived forever and I'm just waiting to die so I can go and burn in Hell.

I feel so stupid saying these things... But I don't know where else I can just get all this stuff out without risking Kirk seeing it... Or being interrupted.. I just have so much frustration and anger towards myself for changing everything I liked or should have liked about me.

What the hell does anyone see in me anymore? Or they all still here because of sweet memories of me? Or am I just being completely stupid and I haven't really changed that much?

I'm so diluted. I should just stop now...

peace&love <3 amelia

3 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 24 May :: 4.41pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: random stuff

nothing is right
i dyed my hair today. i smell pretty.

i think my parents will hate me when i visit. because i'll have more body art. and i really feel like it will alienate me more. but i like it and i don't want to not get it just because of my family.

do you ever feel like everything you say is completely trivial. why the hell am i even talking about anything? i'm having one of those days.

my days off are pointless. i don't do anything and it's so boring here. it's beautiful outside, but i don't want to go out alone. what's the point of adventuring if you have no one to go with you?

i miss having friends. i miss having people to hang out with and talk to and feel and want to touch. people here... they make me happy that people don't like touching me. i don't really want them to touch me. maybe i'm sick. idk, but the people here aren't people. they are... something else... adults. but really crappy adults. they have all the crappy qualities of adults and teenagers mixed together.

i think i'm very harsh with the people here. but i can't trust them and i certainly don't want to give any part of my heart to them. i know what they do with hearts like mine.

except... my heart is fuckered up now. and i'm so cold and mean. i push everyone away. i don't get it. i'm so alone and desperate for friendship, but i push everyone away because they aren't what i want. what do i want..? not these people. not the people at work. i had a dream about jason the other night. he txted me telling me he missed me. hahaha i'm so fucked up.

i've started talking in my sleep on a much more regular basis now. i have no idea why. i can't even remember what i would have been saying.

oh well.
what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

sigh.

3 = | +

:: 2008 14 May :: 6.04am

It feels good to conquer what you're battling.

Now all I have left to fight is Jeff Reyburn's College Prep English class.
Haha?

1 = | +

:: 2008 13 May :: 10.28pm

Do you ever feel like...
other people are more glamorous than you?
I don't stop thinking about it.

2 = | +

:: 2008 9 May :: 12.05am

Sometimes I just start laughing, I never know why.

Crying too.

4 = | +

:: 2008 6 May :: 12.04am

One more... before I leave...
My finger tips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Every scream went bleeding through these paper walls and all the
make-up in the world couldn't hide the scars
I leave today, I'm packing light: a suitcase, some toiletries
The rolling hills and willow trees of Carolina wait for me

You never learned, the rules have changed since we were nine
This isn't school: boys don't assault the girls they like

The taste of blood, the claim of love: these two will here on cease
to be sprouting from your fists and tongue 'cause Carolina waits for me

Fields of grain go whipping by from the window seat
I'm drifting in, I'm drifting out catching up on sleep I couldn't get
Indentured since the very crest of 17
I left my keys and broken dreams 'cause Carolina waits for me

I will never forgive a single day
Mile markers seem to call my name and say, "you're safer now.
Through every town, we'll light your way in reflective green all the
way" The entire state of Carolina waits for me

:: 2008 5 May :: 1.35pm

To All of you
I'm going on an Internet hiatus for a while.
Recent happenings in my life have lead me to believe that the internet is the most evil thing in the world.
I'll be off all my regular sites including Myspace, woohu, gaia, lj, facebook, etc.
I will only be available through phone, hotmail, and IRL.
If you don't have any of those available, too bad.

Bye.

:: 2008 5 May :: 6.46am

this was pretty much the worst weekend ever.

:: 2008 30 April :: 10.45pm

Today...
I just want to cry.

3 = | +

shalee

:: 2008 27 April :: 10.06am
:: Mood: exhausted

"When you're in darkness don't forget what you saw in the light."

godessalthena

:: 2008 27 April :: 9.17pm

probably heading home this weekend...
or next weekend.. to see the dentist!
huzzahh!

idk, i just hope it isn't snowy. i had to take off my snow tires... haha.

work sucks.. people sucks... idk, nothing really to be looking forward to right now..

adam's visiting in june! yay!
uhm... not much else to say..

my life is boring.
i made some brisket. hella tastey.

it was my birthday a while ago.
hella great birthday.

hella cute kitty.

3 = | +

:: 2008 27 April :: 8.18pm

I just don't want to go.
Is that so hard to understand?

Stop trying to make me do something I don't want to.

:: 2008 25 April :: 11.37pm

Pictures from last weekend.

Brenan blowing a bubble as Jake looks on in wonder

A bubble I blew resting peacefully on the ground

Different angle, same bubble

Me, immediately after blowing the pictured bubble, and before exhaling the rest of my lungful of smoke

Alex popped ze bubble =(....well, actually it popped just before he could poke it.