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I'm a Loner Dottie, A Rebel

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rocketboxer

:: 2018 27 July :: 8.25am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Alvvays - Archie, Marry Me

I began this blog when I was 16 and now all the entries are locked down on private but it seems fitting that 16 years later as a 32 year old grown woman I come back and do a thorough review.

I hurt a lot of people and was hurt by a lot of people but we're all okay now. I own a house with my partner and our dog and three cats. I work for regional public schools managing IT stuff. I have a garden with lots of flowers and raspberries that somehow taste like lemonade. A lot has happened since even the last entry before this, 8 years ago. I'm stable. I'm happy. I know myself. I have adventure, I have love, I have my whole life to look forward to.

"What's coming will come, and we'll meet it when it does."

xo
Marisa

1 Greedy Bastard | Any Takers?


sunsweet

:: 2006 12 March :: 12.13am

I'm at a party....I'm reminded of who else? You. It's been a while since I've thought about it, but somehow it has snuck up on me once again. I suppose I try to avoid thinking...because whenever I do I can feel the tears coming and that oh so familiar ache in my stomach. It didn't hurt that I saw a friend tonight who (and it just clicked in my head tonight) reminded me of you. That same confidence (maybe not quite like you, but close) in "oh I can drink anything" as he chugged some everclear. I miss you. I miss everything we'd do together, which was usaully partying but god, we had such a great time together. All the new people you introduced me to, and well the "party scene". You were so good looking too, those hazel eyes and shaggy brown hair, and gorgous smile. Even though it wasn't that long, what we had was special to me. I hope I meant something to you as well.....

Any Takers?


sunsweet

:: 2006 9 March :: 10.26am
:: Mood: confused

I don't know what to think of myself. The person I love with all my heart...who has been with me through thick and thin...I just don't know if it's there anymore. Why am I having second thoughts? I went to Mizzou yesterday, maybe that had something to do with it. I miss the feeling of "new and exciting", I feel like that has been absent from my life for a while. It feels the same...I am restless. What to do? I don't want to hurt him, god, thats the last thing I want to do. But lately I have been having these reoccuring dreams about someone I dated in the past. I don't know what to do...it's really scaring me because I was over him, wasn't I? Maybe it's because he was my first. But no, we both moved on, it's over. Maybe I just need a break from all this, but how do I initiate this? It would almost be worse to be living a lie, but if nothing is said then everyone is happy. Well, yes everyone except for me.

Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2005 9 September :: 2.59am
:: Mood: weird

got a working computer and am in the process of moving in to our first apt. she gave me love love love love crazy love. chicago is insane. 21 in 9 days. zealous freshman+first day of classes=certain death.

1 Greedy Bastard | Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2005 12 March :: 3.38pm

so um, i met someone in january... when my roommates best friend abbie came to visit us... well, lets just say abbie turned out to be one hell of a kisser... so i went out there for a weekend (pittsburgh) and im going back out there this friday for the first half of break before meeting lammers and lindsey in NYC. i mean, the girl lives in a log cabin and goes to a school called Slippery Rock.. how fanfuckintastic is that. its been a bizarre couple months. jackie is moving in may, thats another whole story... love that girl but what can you do... shaun hautly even came and stayed here for a night. i read the book 'cunt' and i think its a pretty important piece. i even quit drinking for a week and a half. i was so bored i got a facebook account. then i came to my senses and did a beer bong. my brother is coming up here the first weekend of april, hell yes, and we are trying to get tickets to one of the three sold out widespread shows while he is here. he has yet to see me in chicago. the two of us in this city has the potential to be... well... if you have kids, know where they are. finals are next week and as per usual the end of the trimester is kickin my ass. one more trimester after spring break and then its sophmore year under my belt. crazy. and ill be 21 in 6 months. also great. how about this shit for older and wiser- instead of going downtown for the parade today and drinking green beer at 10am, i went to the library. im beginning to make myself sick.

emily, for the sake of all of us stuck here, drink some good beer in germany. and have fun. and sex. those would be my instructions.

and im done.

1 Greedy Bastard | Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2005 16 January :: 2.14pm

i hate heartless bitches.

3 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2005 4 January :: 5.38pm

for some strange reason it is hard to get drugs and alcohol at school. what the hell. its college...

2 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2005 2 January :: 6.05am

probably about two hours of sleep. back to fucking chicago to get pummeled by the cold. bah. i miss her already.

Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2005 1 January :: 11.03am

you are not quite the bane of my existence although equally consuming. we know that this is problematic because i am so extradorinarly good at feeling bad. you should ravage me in return. make me so unable to close my eyes in ecstasy that i have to stare at you and laugh and shake uncontrolably until i am in so much bearable pain and too sensitive to take it anymore that you again clutch my hand until it is so warm that it has melted to mine and i cant tell whose is whose that it feels as if they have literally melted together. sometimes this makes me nervous because my imagination shows them literally melted together.

Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2004 29 December :: 12.24am

partial catie curtis lyrics
"magnolia street"
This is the ride I'm on
This is the ride I want
And I recall so complete how you changed my life on Magnolia Street
A dream, but it's true I am not the same since I met you
And I feel like I'm going home
But not to the one I've known

"radical"
But I'm not being radical when I kiss you
I don't love you to make a point
We go downtown, some people they stare
But there are lots of people who really don't care
I just want to hold your hand
I don't feel like making some big stand

Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2004 27 December :: 2.24am

someone asked about me. about me? about me: i am 20. i drink to silence my brain. i eat late at night because sometimes i feel like otherwise there is nothing to hold me down. i should think faster and talk slower. i should clean up my language. my mother told me i should seek a career in the greeting card industry... i think that may be because there isn't really a line of greeting cards for assholes. i love my brother and i often think he is the coolest. there are friends i wish i had kept in better touch with and friends im not sure that i should have. tonight i went ice skating in forest park. the past two days prior to that i went climbing but i am out of shape. i dont take pictures of myself at obscure angles to look better. what you see is what you get. im generally laid back. i no longer have any piercings and never had any tattoos. i have fallen for a girl against my will because after i go back to school on sunday i wont really see her because she is moving away. today she woke up in my bed in my tshirt and it still smells like her. i was once young and full of promise (as we all were...). I am still learning. I am on the verge of an entire shift in the direction of my life. I recentley lost my best friends younger brother to suicide. I have worn the same ring on my thumb for five years, and the relationship it came from is the only thing i would choose to change about my past if possible. someone once described me as 'insidious' which means 'enticing but harmful' (as in... an insidious drug). perhaps they were talking about my sharp tounge. i will still go to class in the morning even after i have stayed up the entire night while you vomit and talk shit on the bathroom floor. i am a good sport and a good friend. the NHL lockout is dampening my winter. i write letters of appreciation without occasion, enjoy poetry, vanilla, and ending up on top of the sears tower in the winter to see the lights in the snow.

5 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2004 23 December :: 10.47am

Throughout my life, this time of year has been associated with Christmas, and the thoughts of receiving plenty of gifts, being able to gorge myself with my mothers cookies, and spending time with my family. These are all truly wonderful thoughts, but I have begun to reevaluate what is important to me during this time of year, and the "season of giving." The holidays are truly a time to reflect on what we are grateful for (if you need help on this point, try thoughts of family, friends, a roof, food, pets, etc.). If you are at all like me, you will have that relative that is impossible to shop for, because they don't need anything, or they just want to spend time with you.

I am beginning to realize that I too do not need anything, and I am only 20 years old. I look around and take inventory of everything that I have, only to realize that most of it is “stuff” that I don't need. Don't get me wrong, most of it is stuff that I thoroughly enjoy, and most of the other stuff is in boxes ready to be donated to some sort of charity to make room in the house, inevitably for more stuff. I have been poised with the question (as always during this time of year) of what I want for gifts during this holiday season. It has truly been hard for me to think of anything that I need. Of course a plane ticket anywhere would be nice, and maybe a book or two, but what I have discovered (discovered might be a bad word to use because we have all known this to be true) is that there are so many people around this planet that are in dire need, even people a few miles away from our homes that beg for pocket change to survive.

Here is the conclusion, since this is getting longer than anticipated: we all have plenty of things to be grateful for, both tangible and intangible. Let us focus on the intangible jewels in our lives this season and not spend fruitless hours shopping around, getting stressed out and upset in the malls, filling our lives with stuff that we don't need and that will eventually fill an empty cardboard box to be sent off to a charity, or worse, the dump. I propose a solution. Take the money you were going to spend on this holiday‘s "stuff" and make a donation to provide food, clothes, shelter, training, water, education, medical assistance, animals, farm equipment, etc. (the list could go on and on) to the truly needy people of this world, people that are humans just like you and me. You can make this donation in the name of someone and they are even tax deductible. I’m not advocating only making donations as gifts, but a part of the process. It is easy to give gifts just because they are expected, so give meaningful gifts, make donations, and give of your time to not only write a check handing out a donation, but also to volunteer locally.

Please just sit down and truly think about the state our planet, and its people are in, and the every day hell that people have to live in. Give locally or internationally. I have provided some great websites, both are international though, where you can donate to aid world hunger (a UN project) and also another website where you can give anything from rabbits, to goats, pigs, oxen, seeds, training, etc. to the people of the world. My personal opinion is that with a gift of an animal to a community, it is a sustainable resource that provides it owners (and what’s left over to the community) with milk, cheese, offspring to go towards meat, etc. for the community, is a great gift. There are many options out there, these are just a few, go and explore.

Have a great holiday season, and know that I am truly grateful to have had you as part of life at one point in time or another. Thank you for listening to what I have had to say.

http://worldvisiongifts.org (Website to donate most anything you can imagine someone might need)

http://donate.wvus.org/OA_HTML/xxwvibeCCtpSctDspRte.jspsection=10047&xxwvNavItemId=0 (Website to give specifically animals, really cool, check it out)

http://www.wfp.org/ (UN website)

1 Greedy Bastard | Any Takers?


daydream

:: 2004 21 December :: 12.44pm
:: Music: beyond the gray sky-311

i love when christmas is in the air. the smell of burning fire places, houses decorated with tacky santa claus faces and smiling snow men... i love it. having someone i really care about to spend it with this year is also just, amazing to me. i love my family and all, but knowing that i have someone to spend christmas eve with, other then my mom, is actually really making me look forward to it. i still have lots of christmas shopping to do tho, and not nearly enough time to do it. finals are putting a damper on my holiday enthusiasm as well. they'll be over soon enough, but for the time being i feel the need to bitch and complain to the absolute max.

joe has been singing the same line from the same song since about 1:00 this afternoon. it's now 12 am and he's still singing it to me. i'm pretty sure these lyrics will be forever branded into my mind. it's a good thing it's a song i like...

"light a candle for the dead, the wick is burning returning what we've had."

happy holidays to everyone, i hope this weekend brings you only good times and will make many happy memories.

2 Greedy Bastards | Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2004 11 November :: 2.29pm

Bob Herbert
You are Bob Herbert! You're not the most sparkling
writer, but one of the most solid and selfless
on the Op-Ed staff. You focus on New York
politics, the poor, race issues, and civil
liberties. You like to quote others, and rarely
place yourself in your columns. You keep it
real. Seriously.


Which New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Any Takers?


leftofcool

:: 2004 2 November :: 12.55am

she makes me crazy. she makes me laugh. she smells like vanilla. she fucking makes me laugh. i look at her and want to know everything about her and why she sits like that and how she falls asleep and where she grew up that she became so beautiful.

Any Takers?

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