Humans bring out the worst in me. I hate them. Their selfish behaviours, their fear off being overrun by others and their lack of living. I dont think they even have a grip on their lives. They just do what they think they are supposed to do instead of doing what they wanna do. This morning I went to get some money from the bank and then go to the bookstore and get some cards. At the bank I put my bycycle along the wall and these people waiting to pull their money out of the wall were all staring at me. I stared back at them, sighed and shook my head.
When I had my money I went to the bookstore and got those cards. Waiting infront of the counter the woman before me payed and left. I think it was my turn but then this other woman quickly went infront of me takng my turn. Without even asking me if I was infront of her or not. It's not the rudeness that bothers me. It bugs me where that rudeness comes from. She's just scared of being overrun by other people, wanting to be the so called "strong-woman".
They all think I look weird with all my black clothes, my black nails and my messy hair. But they all look weird to me with their colory coats, their freaky pants and their strange massivly made hair cuts.
They are nothing more then products of society to me.
i've had enough of it. Next time when something like that will happen again I will tell them. Damn housewives, they are so selfish and egocentric. I have no respect for them at all.

On the news yesterday there was something I did have respect for. They were telling bout a girl who jumped infront of a train to possibly end her live. Then there was this guy who jumped after her and pushed her away to safe her. But he died himself. I have alot of respect for someone like that. He sacrificed himself to safe that girls life. That's one guy I have respect for. I don't know what he was like and I don't care. What he did makes up for everything. The ultimate prize, death.

My mom is home for the weekend, it's noticable that something is wrong with her. She still walks around as if she's a bit light in the head, all fuzzy. Don't know if she has to go back on sunday, she probably does. She was busy washing clothes and I asked her if she liked doing that. She said she didn't. Why do you do it then? I asked. I can imagine if you wash your own clothes but we can wash our own clothes now. My own clothes arn't enough for one washing run, she said. Whatever you want, I told her and I walked away.
I think she does it cause she want's to be a good mother and if she wouldn't do it she would feel guilty. Every little thing that isn't right in the house, like a dirty floor, not cleaned toilet or lately not washed cothes reminds her of being a bad mother. I think she also doesn't have a grip on life. I think she had this breakdown cause life just was to much for her. She couldn't keep up anymore, to handle everything in the order she received it. Like a slide everything slided down and she couldn't catch it anymore, it all fell down in a deep pit and now it's there where she can't reach it, where she can't solve it anymore.
Could you catch 10 balls at the same time?

I still need to get 150 euros from my mom, and if I didn't need the money I wouldn't bother her with it. But I do need it. The hotel I got in mind to book in case I can't stay over at Gaby's place costs 1120 CHF or something. And I need the 150 euros for that to have enough money to pay for it. She doesn't have it on her back account though, so I'll have to ask my dad to lend it to me and I'll pay him back when I get the money from my mom. Actually I hope I can stay in the hotel instead of staying at Gaby's home with her parents. At the hotel we'd have the whole room for ourselves without her parents bothering us. But then again I wouldn't have any money left to go out and do some neat stuff. So it wouldn't be bad either if I could stay at her home with her parents. One way or another I will be seeing her again. I hope one day she can forgive me for not being there when she needed me the most. I know she can't forgive me for that cause she never did forgive her parents for not being there with her at her first boarding school. I suppose this is kind of a same situation. I feel really guilty about that I left her alone like that. I just didn't know what else I had to do. What could I have done? I hope she understands. I never meant to do her harm in any way. I got my studies over here and she has her studies over there. Should I have given it up to be with her there? Should she have waited for me at her home till I was done with my studies? I think what Gaby and I have done now was the only thing we could have done. The best for both of us, who knows what would have happend if we didn't choose this path. I don't even remember when she left. July 2005? No, she already went away when I was working. June 2005 I guess. Thats like 3 or 4 months, but it feels like I havn't seen her for 6 months. I just hope she still likes me. I shouldn't get cocky and see it as a normal thing that she loves me. I am very lucky indeed that she loves me. Me out of all the guy's she could have got, she chose me. It does make me feel a bit special. Though I am a bit scared that I'm not the guy anymore she fell in love with. She met me on the internet in some chatroom. I'm so different on the internet. Wel...acting different though it is me. On the internet I act like who I am. Out there in real life I can never express myself, never be the silly dude who I am. Hand me a few beers at night and I'll show you who I am hehe. It's just hard for me to be myself I suppose. Please don't blame me for it. Alone with Gaby I am who I am. The guy from the chatroom. Maybe I have grown up a bit, but hey I'm still that same guy. If you don't believe me I'll just have to poke you and tickle you to death untill you admit I'm right =P

I love you Gaby, always have and always will. Your more important to me then my family, but I can never tell them that. They'd feel insulted and betrated I suppose. You are my number 1.
I hope I won't dissapoint you. I love you.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...