#006699 Life as we know it will cease to exist#006699


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My Soul Cries for deliverance~*

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:: 2005 3 March :: 5.27 pm

Everything is wrong
So much has happened since the beginning of the year. I have had some of my most grandiose experiences and yet also some of my most atrocious experiences. And those have happened pretty recently. I believed someone and the ideals that they thought. In one night I lost not neccesarily all the trust that I had, but a significant amount. I can't deal with the fact that I am not the one that decides how someone feels about me and what they believe about me or worst how they feel about others. I've had this before. It's all too clear in my mind. No one is ever sure about how they feel except me it seems like. That's the only thing I am sure about. I have no clue what I want out of life and how to get there. I'm going to die and I might as well have fun in there sometime. But for some reason I can't just be okay with having fun. I want to feel fulfilled. Like I meant something and was worth something to someone... somehow. I wish life was easier. Without doubts.

I have to go eat. Maybe I'll have the emotions to finish this later. We'll see.

1 Rain | bows

:: 2004 12 September :: 4.20 pm
:: Music: Pardon me ~ Incubus

Love Potion No. 9
Well, things are going. Better than August... which is very good. I just got back from swimming at jake's house. His pool was way dirty. Homecoming is this Saturday. I'm so excited and nervous. It's my last one. We're seniors. I am a senior. This is crazy. By this time next year. I will most likely be in college. Man I can't even think right now. i'm going to take a nap and maybe write later.


:: 2004 4 May :: 9.07 pm
:: Mood: Worn out
:: Music: According to Jim theme song

Whenever you call me, I'll be there..
I'm Really stressed out. I have my AP Exam tomorrow and then the history meap following that. To relieve some of my stress I plan on attending a High School Baseball game tomorrow evening. I'm hoping to have Bryan join me, we both like watching and playing baseball.

I'm currently sick. Sick and Tired. I'm sick physically. I have a sore throat that is scratchy and covered in mucus. My nose burns from the tissue being rubbed upon it every second of the day. AND I'm coughing. Do any of these symptoms sound familar Raych??

Anyways, as of right now. I have misplaced my Jewel "Pieces of You" CD. I had Kandy over and wanted to play her the song I learned so she could hear the lyrics... and I couldn't find the darn thing anyplace. Hopefully it will turn up, un-damaged.

Well, I am off to study for my major exam some more. It feels like I've been studying everynight for the past month even though it has only been a week.


2 Rain | bows

:: 2004 16 February :: 3.59 pm

what the fuck is up all your guys' asses?

8 Rain | bows

:: 2004 10 February :: 6.37 pm
:: Mood: Open
:: Music: Letter For Breakfast ~ NSN

A New Hope for A New Beginning
*deep breath*

I've decided that I'm starting over. I'm done with my Old ways. I want a new me. It will be a long process and some of you may not even notice any changes. But I'll notice them. It will mainly be internal. The Way I think about things and how I view them. That's going to change.

Other news, Things are going better than usual. Feels like everyday gets better. Things that bother me happen but I'm learning to brush them off like they don't matter. Which is great from my new perspective.

I'm not going to get hurt again. This will be the last time that I fall apart. I don't even want a relationship. Too much for me, especially if I want to make something of myself. I feel like... I don't need someone to make me happy anymore. I can do it on my own. How I used to, by doing the things I love. I'm going down a better track and I like it. I'm not looking back I'm just gonna look right here.

4 Rain | bows

:: 2004 4 January :: 7.53 pm
:: Music: I won't spend another night alone ~ the ataris

We'd be together forever.
Feeling weird today. I don't know. I don't want to feel like this. It's so me. I hate it. I want it to just go away. But it won't I have to make it. Somehow. I used to have comfort in something. And now I don't. I feel like everything I ever believed in was just proved wrong and I have nothing to hold on to. Painful for me, and scary as well.

3 Rain | bows

:: 2003 11 November :: 3.06 pm

Today's sucking pretty bad. I have to clean mt mom's car. because of a stupid packet that fell and then got squished. O well. I feel alone. Not good. I suppose nothing will be done. O well. I'm going to go...

2 Rain | bows

:: 2003 17 September :: 3.58 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: 17~mandy moore

only 17
My friend amanda goes to heartlands and someone left a looks used condom on her car. Pretty gross. Today was an okay day. I'm trying to think of something specacular that happened. I can't think of ooooh. No homework in first hour that was definantly a +. umm we had a sub in ap calc and he was really cool and funny. He made it really easy to learn. That's all I can think of. Lunch was great today. Nacho's meat and cheese with some chocolate milk. Yippy.

3 Rain | bows

:: 2003 16 September :: 8.10 pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: stay with me ~ reach 454

"you whisper that you love me and I just don't know why"
I'm hungry


:: 2003 16 September :: 8.05 pm

well, not that you people care I'm updating again. I'm being bored. Just got back from practice had an okay day at school. Um... I had first lunch and I ate a banana and curly fries for lunch. It was good.

2 Rain | bows

:: 2003 12 September :: 9.54 pm

Well.. I'm trying to find some good grapes. But I think their fruitiness is making my stomach acid act up. I think I may be nervous about tomorrow to. I havn't talked to jay yet and I don't think I will today because it's 9 47. and he isn't online. So yeah.


:: 2003 11 September :: 7.01 pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: absence of fear~ jewel

Inside my heart there's an empty room it's waiting for lighting it's wating for you...
me here... being bored. I showed rachel my homecoming dress and stuff. She advised me on my hair. I'm excited. One more day. That I don't want to go through at all because I have band.. But, I suppose I will live through it. Well. I guess I'm going to go.

4 Rain | bows

:: 2003 10 September :: 2.47 pm

September 20th ~ Rockford
September 27th Kenowa Hills
October 3rd ~ Homecoming
October 11th ~ Mona Shores
October 18th ~ Jenison
October 25th ~ Reeths-Puffer


:: 2003 9 September :: 9.05 pm
:: Mood: depression
:: Music: in this diary ~ the ataris

these are the best days of ours... :|
I think that the reason why I'm feeling like this is because, saturday was so good that anything compaired to it isn't nearly as much of a high. It was like being on drugs. So nice to feel that good with out them though. Maybe it's school. It's making me depressed. I hate it so much. It's like fucking hell going their each day. Getting up. I hate all of my hours except my third one. Theory of law. If I didn't have that class I would probably do something stupid.. like burn down the school kill myself something. But I love jay too much to do that. He's the only thing that makes me happy. No one could ever make me as happy as he does. Well... I'm tired and I want to


:: 2003 9 September :: 4.04 pm

I'm feeling extreme hate for people in general right now...



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