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:: 2007 20 June :: 12.35 pm

it's not as though i don't want to be happy. content. that's all i want. there's a part of me that craves love, but i put up this gruff, insensitive front. funny how that works. maybe it's the asian thing, where i'm not supposed to show affection THAT way.

i've been going to punk shows to stay sane. the best evening routine: a hug, being whisked away to get soul food, eating collard greens and corn bread, patting our bellies as we walk out completely stuffed, heading to the show 3/4 mile away, dancing and having thumb wars and singing along, a hug goodnight, collapsing into bed.

i've been trying to convince myself that i'm not in love, that i can't fall in love. it doesn't matter. people i truly did love have passed on, passed away. it's lonely out here.

will that be ALL?

:: 2006 26 November :: 1.09 pm

fakin' smiles and fakin' laughs
It doesn't matter.
I take comfort in the fact that she was reading Sylvia Plath.

It's messed up when he thinks your smile is gorgeous, but you're just a goddam depressed chick who goes through the motions and doesn't derive happiness from much of anything.

will that be ALL?

:: 2006 3 August :: 9.08 pm

There are very few people who piss me off this much.

will that be ALL?

:: 2006 27 May :: 10.41 am

Listen up, y'all
All you Michigan people better get your asses out to Skelletones in Grand Rapids on 6/18. From A Second Story Window, Cattle Decapitation, Misery Index, Job For a Cowboy, and ANIMOSITY are gonna be playing. Go go go!

will that be ALL?

:: 2006 16 April :: 12.39 pm
:: Music: Amen - Please Kill Me

breaking the silence.

refusing to fuck up your life by posting comments that could potentially lead to disaster. i wish you well. that applies to everyone who reads this.

i need to stay away from people when i pms. lock up my phone. disable ims. i do weird shit.

so i want PrettyBoy (thusly nicknamed by GPR, who thinks i'm slightly boy crazy, which i am) which seems to be one of the craziest improbabilities EVER, but is somehow so. i'm probably delirious. YoungPunk was my boyfriend for less than a month, and obviously that was a mistake. if you're a good guy, go for a good girl, please. you can go after the edgy ones and try to save them, but they'll end up fucking you over as much as they've been fucked over, and it's not worth it. i hate all the girls that cheat and lie and do all the things that perpetuate and validate the evil girl stereotype. i hate the slutty girls. i'm a good girl. i'm a romantic. i don't think it's fair to be stereotyped with those girls just b/c your views are so skewed. that's all.

so maybe i'm not ready. maybe he doesn't care. maybe i've ceased to care. i hope that's the case. let's get this over with. point. click. post.

will that be ALL?

:: 2006 26 February :: 3.06 pm
:: Music: Allister - A Lotta Nerve

Pinkeye is gone. Glasses still on.
Contacts won't be ready for a few more days.

Ok, it's been a little over one year. It's time to make a list of all the guys who've well, been potential relationship material, who failed, succeeded, or just gave me a headache.

Rob #1
Rob #2

I hate guys. I hate relationships. I hate hate hate. That is all.

will that be ALL?

:: 2005 23 November :: 3.38 pm
:: Music: Street Dogs - Fighter

remember those five-dollar days armed with a paintbrush?
all i've got to say
is fuck the world today
and i don't want to be free.

skipped piano class today b/c it wasn't worth it to spend $6 on bart to go to one class. my friend IMed me later that he went and nobody really showed up. sweet.

did i ever mention that i HATE thanksgiving? the concept is nice, but it's also weird. i mean, be thankful for shit all year round. on thanksgiving, as luke said on Gilmore Girls, be thankful that we're not Native Americans who got our land taken in exchange for smallpox-infested blankets. yay?

tomorrow, there will be TWO turkeys. my great-aunt wanted a smoked turkey, and my other aunt wanted a deep-fried turkey, so yeah.. and a fucking ham. thanksgiving is SO not a great holiday for vegetarians, b/c the only things i can eat are, like, rolls and salad. i hate cranberry sauce, candied yams, and pumpkin pie. gross. oh, and you know what else is totally gross? tofurkey. i like faux meat, but man, that shit is nasty.


And that's it for my big update. I'm out.

will that be ALL?

:: 2005 7 October :: 9.02 am
:: Music: A Wilhelm Scream - Less Bright Eyes, More Deicide

In case you really do want to read what I'd consider my REAL journal, head on over to diaryland.

Remember that I'm one of those quiet chicks who sits in the back of class. Ok? Good. Yesterday mornin', I was sitting on a bench, reading a book. Some guy came up and said, "Hey, I'm in a few of your classes. Kristina, right?" and I nodded. He was pretty hot. "How'd you know my...?" "OH! Sometimes I sit next to you, and the roll sheet gets passed around and... yeah, so how're you liking the book?" We chatted about the humanities class, and then it started getting strange. "Y'know, you're really pretty," he said. At that point, I was very conscious of my appearance. Hair down, eyes barely lined with eyeliner, black tshirt, black jacket, black jeans with wallet chain hangin' off, and faded, beat-up, 5-year-old, very weathered black Converse. "Uhh... thank you." "What're you doing on Wednesday night? There's this great Bible Study thing, if you'd like to come with me." DUDE! ARE YOU INSANE?! ...and was that a "date"?! "Oh? I don't really live in the area, but thanks for asking." Luckily, his phone started to ring, and I managed to make a quick escape. And I thought all I ever had to worry about was avoiding the Scientologists... Good grief.

*By the way, I'm single again, which meant I could've went to Bible Study with a hot guy without feeling guilty, but DUDE. *gesticulates wildly* NO.

1 bonus cup | will that be ALL?

:: 2005 30 September :: 11.02 am
:: Music: The Go-Go's - Throw Me a Curve

Welcome back, ana.
It's always gonna be confession time.
Height: 5'6
Highest weight ever: 155. I was 5'4 the first time, though.
Current weight: Somewhere around 135-140. Damn water weight.
Goal weight: 125-130. Less, if possible.

I don't know if you know. You may. My first memory of this was being 10, having stomach flu, losing 7 lbs in a week, and thinking, "Wow, this is SO great." I didn't think too much about it. It wasn't until I was 14 or 15 that it really became a problem. Let's be honest here. I love to eat. I can eat more than a few guys I know. Compulsive overeater? Maybe. Sometimes I eat a lot even when I'm not hungry. Then I feel guilty, and it's time to purge. Hover over the toilet, do that crazy breathing that's become perfected over the course of almost a decade, and throw it all up. Sometimes, if I've eaten a lot, it'll take 4 or 5 attempts to get everything up. Sick? Well, yeah.
So for awhile, it was binge and purge every few days, at least once a month, sometimes twice (or even thrice) a week. And sometimes it was time to fast. Yes, ana. Sometimes I'd go three or four days without eating. And the thing was, I was still a fatass.
It wasn't until I became a vegetarian that things started to work. I was 2 inches taller, and I maintained 150-155 for awhile. Yeah, not quite as much a fatass, but still a gigantic chubster. At least I felt healthier. At the height of my binging/purging/fasting, I was down to 140. "Tall and thin" is what the nurse called me when she took my measurements. I could've laughed then, b/c I'm neither tall nor thin. Average, maybe, and that's stretching it. Last summer, I ran an awful lot. This summer, I started off not really eating, ended up hanging out with a guy who encouraged me to eat. The problem there is that I eat A LOT when I do eat. Back to 155 by the end of summer. Holy shit, right? Fatass once again.
Now, I don't know what's going on. I went down from a tight size 11 to a size 7. I managed to lose 6 lbs in one week by fasting, or eating only a couple pieces of fruit a day. I've binged and purged twice within the last month. Fuck. Old habits returning? Maybe. The fasting isn't going so well. I'll barely eat for a few days, but then, I'm always weak and dizzy. Last night, I finally blacked out for a couple secs, at a fuckin' punk show, after the first three bands had played. I'm freaked out. Johnny remedied the situation by driving to Naan N Curry, where he ordered a bunch of food. I ate maybe 1/5 piece of aloo naan and 1/4 of plain naan. I dipped into the paneer tikka masala with plain naan maybe 3 times. Oy. My first thought this mornin' was that I should fast again, but goddam if blacking out wasn't scary. I don't know what I'm doing. These size 7 pants are gettin' looser, though. They were almost falling off of me last night even though I had a belt on. Good? Not if I start eating normally again.

This belongs in one of those ana communities, but I'm not quite up to par with them.

3 bonus cups | will that be ALL?

:: 2005 31 August :: 7.34 pm
:: Music: Comeback Kid - Wake the Dead

rope, sturdy tree, and you
Boy has gone. I don't care who reads this.

Effin' eff eff eff you.

I made friends with a guitar major today. We're gonna jam after piano class on Wednesday.

will that be ALL?

:: 2005 13 July :: 8.30 am
:: Music: Manic Hispanic - The INX Took My Novia Away

Content. Content. I should be content. For once in my life, it seems like I finally have it semi together. Good grief.

There's a nice boy. And he dragged me to a metal show. He wore a NOFX "The War On Errorism" shirt yesterday with my spiked belt, and looked fairly good that way. Oh, and he coos like a pigeon.

1 bonus cup | will that be ALL?

:: 2005 3 June :: 10.58 pm
:: Music: Comeback Kid - The Trouble I Love

freaxin' ya out
Asshole guys. Good grades.
*shrugs* At least there are certainties in my life.

I finally got a tube of that XXL waterproof mascara Nina was raving about. This is only the 2nd time I've tried to use mascara in my life, and well, I'm not very good with it. I'm afraid that I'm gonna look like that insanely religious Bakker woman with the mascara obsession.

Hardcore concert on Monday with the guy - well, the one guy who's kinda into me who doesn't make me want to vomit.

In other news, I like to cook way too much - so much that I didn't really mind smelling like weird spices, since I showered immediately after I was done. Today I made chana masala and hummus. Yep, I gotta conquer those "ethnic foods". HAH. *shrugs* One thing I've learned is that I really, really like hot sauce (which is probably the fault of that 1/4 Szechuan part of me). And I use chili powder at an alarming rate.

Yawn. I like boys. I'm like the female version of Vonnegut. I can't get over the way guys are shaped. Shoulders. Man. Maybe that's why I think the Library Dude looks good now. Back in high school, he was puny, but he filled out and has the broad shoulders. Damn. Suddenly he's attractive in a Dave Navarro kind of way.

will that be ALL?

:: 2005 21 May :: 8.39 pm
:: Music: The Real Enemy - High On Placebos

Does anyone read this? *shrugs*

So in the past few days, I've gone through emotional hell. It happens quite often, really. Anyhow, I'm attracted to guys who are beyond me. They're so bad for me. And I'm bad for the nice guys. It doesn't work.

will that be ALL?

:: 2005 9 May :: 9.41 am
:: Music: The Influents - Last Good Bad Idea

the spell is broken
It's raining! I might go outside and do a happy dance in nothing more than a black tank top and spongebob pajama bottoms. Whee!

will that be ALL?

:: 2005 6 May :: 4.19 pm
:: Music: Bouncing Souls - Say Anything

It's been awhile. And don't start singing that song.

Semester's been shitty. Grades are decent, though. I've dated around a bit - one guitarist, one Bruce Lee super fan, one deer-hunting dude, and a total geek. The geek is the only one with any potential.

He's not good-looking, but he's kind of adorable - tall and clumsy. He has perfect hands, an awesome voice, and a nice mouth. He's incredibly smart, fairly blunt, and in need of a haircut. He wants to dye his hair blue. Adorable. Now, here's the bad part. He's leaving once he graduates from his lovely prestigious school, because he's not from this area, and then he's going off to a wonderfully prestigious law school. Also, I think I'm attracted to the idea of him, and not him. Who wouldn't want a smart, decent guy who has an awesome future and seems like he'd treat you well? I don't know, but I'll say that I didn't feel "the spark" that the Descendents were singing about. He's not rocker-like at all, so our musical tastes don't align. Also, I'm a little offended that he thinks that I "act like a girl too much for [his] taste", but that he still thought I was attractive enough to want to date me. Ah well. Obviously nothing's going to happen, so it's fine. I'll wait until I see the BHB again, and maybe I'll finally have the courage to ask him out, or at least to a concert.

"So now you wait for his spark. You know it'll turn you on." Yeah. I am waiting for that spark from a guy who looks like trouble.

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