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:: 2005 17 October :: 10.22pm
:: Music: Fall Out Boy

Why Don't You Just Drop Dead?
I've had such an excellent weekend!

Such a good weekend that it's caused me to have an excelltent Monday (I know...crazy stuff)

So let's see, maybe I'm in such a good mood that I'll give you a real update *shock*

So this past week has been crazy stressfull. It's not like I don't know how to deal with stress. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not stressed out. This past week somehow stripped me of my "anti-stress freak out" skills. I was loosing my head over every other little thing. Things that I usually wouldn't sweat over at all. I spent most of my time just crying and crying and freaking out. I thought about a million times, "I can't take this anymore. I have to change my major." I really don't want to change my major. Music is what I love, and I really believe that this is the direction that God is pointing me in. By the time Friday rolled around...well, you wouldn't have wanted to encounter me.

The church that we've been going to had planed this thing for the college aged kids. Emma and I had said that we'd bring people, and the majoirty of our friends seemed like they were really into it. Of course on Friday four people decided that they didn't want to come after all (*note, this was quite reasonable, but I was crazy at the time), which of course sent me into frantics. I was in such a bad mood. I felt like absolute shit, so I decided that I didn't want to go either. I knew Luke was going to be there and I knew that he was going to say something to piss me off and I wasn't going to give him any room for mercy. I would simply rip his throat out with my bear teeth (reminder....i was mad.) Of course I had to go because I said that I'd be there, so I tried to pick myself up and look pretty and get on with life.

I won't tell the whole story of that night, because that would take forever, but to put it in short, it was awesome. I'm so glad I went. Luke wasn't even mean to me (can't say that I wans't mean to him...but hell, I was upset.)

Saturday I slept....

it was amazing.

Sunday was church which of course was awesome as well. I got a lot of back up with this music thing and I feel a lot more confident about what I'm doing. By that time I was so happy I just wanted to hug everyone there, or throw little hearts filled with love everywhere in the air.

All that and I was still as tired as hell.

I <3 Fall Out Boy

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming

She said

She said

She said "Why don't you just drop dead"

I don't blame you for being you

But you can't blame me for hating it

So say what are you waiting for

Kiss her, kiss her

I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 13 October :: 12.39am

In every heart there is a room,
A sanctuary safe and strong,
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along.

I spoke to you in cautious tones,
You answered me with no pretense,
And still I feel I said too much,
My silence is my self defense.

And every time I've held a rose,
It seems I only felt the thorns,
And so it goes, and so it goes,
And so will you soon I suppose.

But if my silence made you leave,
then that would be my worst mistake,
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break.

And this is why my eyes are closed,
It's just as well for all I've seen,
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

So I would choose to be with you,
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break.

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 1 October :: 4.26pm

Working at Star now. Is that any better?

You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 6 September :: 3.07am

Dubayu Tee Ef...
Fuck. geh. What the fuck have I been doing! It's time to seize oppurtunity. No more procrastination.

3 Spoke | You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 10 August :: 10.47am
:: Music: Gavin DeGawl

The Final Day

Yesterday was my last day at work. It was amzingly a little bit sad. I'll miss some of those crazy people.
So here's how it went...

My darling little Paula was there. I was very worried about this because she's been sick and she was the reason I even bothered getting up at five in the morning and coming in. She was her usual determinded self...if you know what I mean...which you don't if you don't know me...which makes reading this not as fun. Oh well, sucks for you.

Eddie and Frank sang to me. It was really sweet. Can't type anymore about that because it'll make me cry. I'm such a baby.

Everybody wanted to hug me, which is okay because I looooove to hug people. Oh yeah...and that bastered Luke stuck my head UNDER HIS FUCKING ARMPIT. You can simply imagin how unpleasent this was. That damn kid. But it's all good. Paula took the best picture of him. It was hilarious. I'm gonna stick it in my wallet and when the girls ask me what I did this summer I'll pull that sucker out.

I had to hug Eddie forever. Who will I pointless rant to now???

I'm gonna miss some of those crazy kids

So of course I get out of a horrible norm and things are changing for me already. I've changed my hair color again and tomorrow I'm getting a NEW TATTOO. Daddy already knows and I got a lovely speach on how "they don't come off" So only one more week until I'm back to dread Carrollton. I love the people there, I really, really do, but why do I have to love them in Carrollton. I wish I could be anywhere else in the world.

You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 23 July :: 10.45am

For once in my life I went out

That's right! I know, I'm shocked too. So it wasn't such a big deal. Just took Nikie and Amber out to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was awesome if I must say so myself. Evidently there was some gang rival thing happening outside the theater (because you know gangsters enjoy a trip to the theater too.) I was really freaking out because Amber was running around and I couldn't stop thinking "she's going to get shot" So sad, the adventure in my little week.

I've never been so excited to get back to school...excited to get back to Carrollton (yes, you can understand my personal distress for my mental health.)

My life has become work and sleep. But you people wouldn't believe the drama at work! There's this kid there who's driving me right up the wall. He's 18 and he's been homeschool so he's not ever really been around people. I'm a bit chatty and I'll talk to almost anyone, but I think that my attention towards him gave him another idea. It's like every morning the moment I come in he's right there. "Bekie how are you today? Bekie what did you do last night? Bekie Bekie Bekie" Don't get me wrong, he's a real sweet kid, just annoying as hell. So the other day I was working over and of course he's right there by my side. He asked me what I looked for in a guy,which is something that I don't like to discuss much anyway because the last time I told a guy about that he claimed that a person like that just didn't exist. Well I figured that it was best to just be honest with the kid so he knew just where he stood.

Here we go:
He would have to be a Christian (one point for him)
It would be nice if he were a musican, or an actor or something artistic. (Not this kid)
He would have to like Phantom...of course (he read the book...in middle school)
Would have to enjoy tattoos and such, bonus points if he has them (this kid's dad says he'll kick him outta the house if he ever got a tatto...but he insists that he loves them)
This is not a must at all, because I don't like to judge people on their phisical qualities, but I have a tendency to be more attracted to guys with dark hair (blonde) and light eyes, as in blue or green (brown.)

There's more that I can't recall and I'm aware I'm being much too picky with all of this, but it's honesty. So I figured I got my point across after this, but just to be sure I let him know that he should get so attached to me, because I'll be leaving in a bit and he won't ever see me again. After this he spent a few moments in thought and then comes back with "Well, if we won't ever see each other again, why don't we just go on a casual date?" I didn't answer, but I think my look of "oh hell no" was enough to do the trick. why does this always happen to me??? Oh well, I'm out of there within the next week (oh how I hope) and then it's off for some real summer fun.

You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 31 May :: 10.44am

Summer Vacation?

Yeah, things have been so crazy since I left school. It's like I live my life at work. It's cool though. So far, I'm really enjoying it. The majority of the people there are really cool (those of you who know me know what I'm talking about...ha!) I don't really have much to update on besides that. Just work, work and more work. I'll write again whenever I get a chance. Oooo, and I have my beloved Trivia tonight! The one highlight of my sad little week!

You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 8 May :: 10.43am

I've just remembered how much I love Robert Burns

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!
And fare-thee-weel, a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' 'twere ten thousand mile!

You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 8 August :: 4.32am

Double sided breast tape...
Hello...Mr. Journal.
Blahity. blahity. blahity.
Still working at Wendy's. I seem to be running into a lot of people I haven't seen in some time. They all seem to come up to me and go "You workin'. Oh, yeah, where?" That's where I interject and sigh, a yes, and a Wendy's. Then I light up and cigarette and stomp out whatever authority or dignity I was holding during that conversation.

Oh, and the ladies. Ha. mofucka's. I've never had some much success and so much pathetic loss. In, well, probably since the last time I put some effort in this shit. Heh. I remember back in the day when I'd try to figure this whole thing out. But, I'm down right stumped.
Me: "You have a boyfriend."
Bystandard: "Well"...pause as she sucks in a deep breath, and I slap myself in the face waiting for the inevitable life story, "he pisses me off. blah. blah. We broke up. blah. blah. He doesn't ever (insert adjective here that has either to do with shallow displays of affection or overall acknowledgement). I still love him, want to marry him, will you just fuck me to make him jealous.
Me: So, I was kinda lookin' to go have some pizza or a movie. You know, since this is kinda like the first time I've ever talked to you.

bleh. whatever. smoke some stoogers and bang my head on the wall.
fuckity fuck fucker fuckmook.
Saw Ms. K at the pondscum-atorium. She's got a ball and chain. I don't know why she still talks to me. I'm not going to try.
Let's see how things go within a couple months. I'm hopeful.

Well, the hay has a restraining order on you, so try the sheets...for hitting. g'night or morning. Hello. goodbye...

3 Spoke | You can't make me talk!


:: 2005 3 March :: 2.42am

Yama's, Llamas, could somebody oil the macaroni gears in my noodle?...
Holy Fuck, Mr. J! Is that you. You decomposed, digitally bearded, open shirt bastard.

Let me pull the thumb out my ass and tell you a taley waley.
It's starts on...whoa, somewhere in July. C'est possible?
click, pop, rewind.
I'd just broken up with Jess, and gotten thrown on my ass. Fucking great. >>Restart<< Now I'm living in Cedar. Things are fucked up as always. Always will be. A bunch of big fucking delusional circles. Nothing ever good. Right? Got another job at the same franchise. Different owner, different policy, different people. I'd forgotten what it's like to live in a majorly white community. Pssh. j/k.
Eh, let's see. I was a wreck. I had these big purple circles around my eyes. It was terrible.
Fast forward>>Ms. K.
A few days after being thrown out. I had the reassuring visitation of an old friend and spark. And though we only spent, like, a day together. I thought things were going quite well. But, difficulties will be difficulties and I'm an asshole.
Thus, not only was I in shitty shape. The 'ol stars orbited my head. Because I'm an asshole.
Fast forward>>
I was thrown out by mom. It was all about stupid shit. Really fucked me up again. Blah. blah. Spent the night on US 131. A rest stop between the rockford and cedar exits. I stayed up the whole night writing stories and shit. It sucked.
Fast forward>>
Nothing much happens. I spend about three hundred dollars a month replacing parts on my Oldsmobile P.O.S.. It's kinda funny. Old people have left, new people have come. Ms. K's seeing Mr. R. I don't know how to feel about that. Everyone's so mixed about my collection of friends. Scenario time...not today. Heh.
Fast forward>>
Ms. M, Ms. C, and Ms.T, and all been very patient with my ass. Thank ya' ma' bitches! I'm the "dude". And I've been skimping out on my "dude" duties. Which is sad, because these are the people that someday, and even right now, I'll be jealous of. Sigh.
Twenty years...still no GED. Just an explicit case of madness. It's quite splendid. mwah ha ha ha!
Any who, Mr. J. The night is old, the day is gone, pull those covers over your silicon body, and don't forget to wear underpants. Yak!,

4 Spoke | You can't make me talk!

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