Your Nod of Approval

Your Nod of Approval

:: 2004 28 July :: 11.17pm
:: Music: Three Days Grace-

My Confession
No one ever really says their final goodbye. Neither did I, as much as people want to forget, they always seem to forget to throw out a simple little piece. Even the tiniest bit of memory, will make people remember.

I always thought it was important, having people read your journal. But this is my sanctuary, and that's fine. I'm ok with that. It'll be my dirty little secret.

I know I sound extreme, but she's my like my confession booth sometime. It's like she softens all my flaws, and after that everything just seems so easy and fair, and I know exactly what to do. I appreciate it more than you know. Thanks.

I know I'm strong and independent, and now it's just me. I don't need anyone.

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 19 June :: 6.52pm

Where Have All the Woohuers Gone?
Good-bye to Woohu I say, it's been a good ass time. I do not have any family left at this wonderful place, so with this I leave you.
Thank you!

www.xanga.com/dirtydanish

You know I love you,

HollishDanishM

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 18 June :: 11.33pm
:: Music: Sugarcult- Memory

There's 7 months until my sixteenth, which is sorta scary.
I know we take so many people for granted, every day, every week, every month, every year, every life time. I know that. But then I surprise myself, and I truly get really happy about myself in those moments, that as much as I might not appreciate the good around me- there is one person I have never taken for granted, my brother.
Tonight, when I was watching television, and my brother was on the floor next to me, playing and talking to himself I looked at him and I just hugged him. Honestly, that little face can just make me so happy. I know it's bad to be dependable on a person like that, but I don't know what I'd do without him. He's my gift from God, no one knows how much he means- but he really does. He's my everything.
And then he looked at me and I said to him "Peter, promise me you won't ever die." Because for some reason I just got so scared that he'd die just right there, in that moment. Of course he laughed, closed his eyes, and stuck out his tongue pretending he was dead, but I really meant it. There are these moments in life, where you know things can fall apart. That's one of them; my world would sink, turn black, lose all color, start bleeding like an open wound, whatever you want to call it; that's what it would be like. It's just scary to think that one person has so much effect on one's life. It's so beautiful, yet it could be ruined and destroyed so easily. It's a scary thought.

"And as you began returning, I shut all my windows, and folded down the blinds, and I made sure you would not come into my world, just for that moment, yet you floated in through my emotions and slept with me all night and forever."

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 17 June :: 8.09pm

When we were both standing there, and I was looking better than I usually do, I should have made my move. There are so many chances we miss. There are so many negatives that could have turned positives, had we only taken control from the beginning. Maybe if I had put on lipgloss, walked over there, licked my lips, and looked at him- would he have cared? We would have driven away together. And now I'll never see him again. I missed my chance, and will never have it back. Even if nothing would have happened.
I feel like I'm wasting myself sometimes. There are so many things I could be doing, yet instead I rot away in so many irrelevant places where no one needs me anyway. I should do something for once, make myself useful, instead of just waiting for the commercials to leave me alone. And of course they never do.
I wish I didn't feel like such a stranger sometimes. Sometimes I just feel I am not a regular teenager. I don't know why. It's like I don't belong anywhere. I feel so out of place, I hope that some day I'll step foot on some foreign place, and I'll know, I'll just know that this is where I am supposed to be.
This is where I'll die in peace.

I'll go grab a Cosmo, qu'est-ce que le point?

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 14 June :: 5.59pm
:: Music: D12- How Come

My Journal- Wandering Mind
I've been writing in this goddamn thing everyday these past few weeks, yet whose problem is it but my own.
I just realized something, there is no one I will truly miss when I leave. I'm being brutally honest, and I don't want anyone coming down hard on me, because this is my journal, and like Tina said, I should be able to express whichever feeling I feel. Anyway, back to the topic, it's kind of depressing. After building up friendships these past few years, it won't mean anything when I move back. I do appreciate the friends I made though, it was special while it lasted- and it's still lasting, don't give up on me please. Not just yet.
I know I talk about it often, and I know it might not seem a big deal to many, but I hate my father. It's my journal, I'm expressing what I feel- and so it should be.
It was hard living, trying to prove a guilty man innocent, trying to prove to the world that my father was a hero; that he was admirable. All that time, the dissapointments kept coming. Way to dissapoint your little girl. And she loved you so much.
Yet, now as I accept it and it becomes easier to deal with, I just boil up with anger because with all these acceptions and realizations, I discover that he never cared, I was just a sacrifice, he was forced to make in order to get his claws around my mother. And they are divorced. I'm glad I was born, really I am, but it's not exactly jolly when you find out that your dad never cared, he never wanted you. You were just a sacrifice.
I'm complaining, and even as I will regret saying this- I would him rather be dead, than alive. You might say i should try and fix things, patch things up maybe, but I have tried. He doesn't care.
My father is a fucking asshole. As much as you might hate your father as well, it's different. And you might as well just accept that.

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 13 June :: 8.33pm
:: Music: Usher- Burn (those calories...)

Twas a Day
I've been feeling rather akward these past few days.
Sometimes I feel so pointless. I feel pointless for writing in this journal, because no one reads it, at the maximum about two, or maybe not even... It never seemed to matter much before, before it always seemed I was only writing it for myself. But it would be a hell of a lot easier to use a regular paperback diary, instead of the phony one on here- because really are we able, mentally and physcially, to put all of our true feelings on this public web page? I didn't think so.
You know that feeling you have sometimes, you're stuffed but you still have the desire to eat something? It has been haunting me all day today, and I currently feel like either throwing up- or ripping my stomach open. I can feel leftovers in the middle of my throat, not a good sign I like to think.
Ha, I just saw a ghost at the end of my street, but then it started moving and I realized it was the obese neighbor next door. Society doesn't seize to dissapoint me.
Even as this weekend might have been uneventful, I've been overwhelmed my decisions and thoughts.
My father, for example, sent me an e-mail about three days ago, and silly me- I still have not replied. I am procrastinating, but I cannot drag it on much longer, or he will come after me with a stick. Or well... Some other object.
I was informed that my stepfather, Matthieu, has been offered a promotion, does he go back to Eindhoven, The Netherlands. He has accepted, and off we go. Not until next summer though, not to worry. Not too sure whether I am telling myself that, or others. Actually, I am looking forward to it. It's been a real drain, living so far away from your family, and this way I will be able to visit Denmark more often- without getting caught up in too much Marstrand drama. And I will be able to live a lot more independently, not having my parents lurr around me like hungry police dogs. Oh, and the best one ultimately, I will be able to drink a lot more.
Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

As the world turns,

*Mette

1 Acknowledged me... | I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 10 June :: 5.12pm
:: Music: Jay Z- 99 Problems

And you ask why I'm judging you?
I understand, I realize, that it is good to be different; and even if others might not always understand, you know they are attracted. You know you have something that others don't, you know you've experienced things others haven't.
It's not relevant to others, it is usually taken for granted because it does not exist as an issue, but for me it has always been been the voice in the back of my head. Each time I am about to jump into something, about to put my everything into it, it pulls me back. I do not have a permanent living solution. I always look over my shoulder, to make sure everythins is alright; because I know that it can all be over, in a split second.
It is not all bad. Usually, there are positives and negatives to a situation. If I despise a place, am bored, or simply am not satisfied in my living situation, I could be gone like "that". But what if I am the happiest I could ever be, and someone taps my shoulder. It could be gone instantly.
Talk of China, talk of Denmark, talk of Holland, talk of Spain, talk of somewhere else in New York. It never ends.
And my father thinks I'm crazy for wanting to see my best friend...?

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 8 June :: 9.55pm
:: Music: Kevin Lyttle- Turn Me On

Force- end it.
I am forcing myself to post, not that I needed to- I posted about two days ago. For some reason it's been rather difficult to end this year, especially really "sealing the deal" and just ending it, with a final good-bye. I'm attempting, I really am- don't kill me though, I'm only human.
Today, during Harry Potter, I really had to urinate- badly- and I obviously got up and started walking to the bathroom. Outside the movie I did notice a large group of disabled people, and I continued my quest for the bathroom. Once outside the bathroom I turned the handle and stepped inside. I have never been so scared in my entire life. In the middle of the bathroom, not in the stall, a senior disabled woman is standing, pants at her ankles. Luckily, she was wearing an oversized t-shirt, and I did not catch a climpse of her private parts. I turned aorund on my heels, and ran. I repeat never have I been that scared.
There is no moral to this story, it is just the first time in a very long time that I have been truly terrified about anything.
Even as many things are still a maze, and even if I may have much unsolved business, my year was partially ended. Driving down Central Avenue, and bumping into Matt and Danny. It summarized my whole year, and it felt good. I knew it was over at that point.
So with that, I leave you.
Thank you everyone, everyone who made my school year crappy, who made it amazing, and who had no effect. In the end it makes me who I am.
A final applause, it's been real, it's been fake.

Good-bye,

Mette, Marsh, Jeeb, Mista, Big Bird, Your Genious.

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 6 June :: 6.40pm
:: Music: Bumblebeez 81- Pony Ride

Refresh Me
I believe in the evil in people. I know when I'm trying to talk to a person, whom I usually never communicate with, I try to be pleasant and nice- but I would love to just walk away. Walk away to the people I know how to communicate with. Things like these, they keep you in a box. It's not even society shaping it, it's you. You're the one closing it up.
I believe in the evil of people. Don't we all just love to backstabb people, criticize left and right, and lie constantly? Sometimes I believe that I am different, but in the end I find out that obviously- I'm not. Sometimes it's just unbelievable to think about how many people you hurt in a day.
I believe in change, I really do. People change, culture changes, society changes. It just seems that we should all have a common ground, a set of morals, that we follow. When you start to leave those behind too, that's where you start dissapointing me. When you start doing things, I knew you would never do. I KNEW. But you proved me wrong. You prove me wrong each and every day.
I see nothing of the same old you, in your soul anymore. It's hard to watch.
It's like watching someone take a dive. Closer and closer, until you hear that splash. And you're gone...

1 Acknowledged me... | I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 2 June :: 4.20pm
:: Music: Lenny Kravitz- Where Are We Runnin'?

Finito
Is it ok to run away from your problems sometimes? Because I am 'this' close to doing so.
Am I ugly?
I don't think anyone really cares. I'm still looking, looking for that person whom I know will always be there. Not just sometimes, not a false promise, a real person to actually care about me. I know I'm being selfish. Why am I dragged away from all the good things? You don't realize how difficult it is, going to a new school, and not knowing the language. You don't know how hard it is, trying to trust your newly found friends, and then have them rip your back open. You don't know how difficult it is to not consider your childhood country, your rock anymore. You don't realize how fucking hard it is to not have your own biological father ever there, you don't know how much I go through. You don't know how hard it is to live away from your family, the people that support you no matter what. And guess what? IT WASN'T MY CHOICE. Sometimes, it's ok to feel sorry for yourself, I know I do sometimes. Because really--- it's not easy.
Why is it so hard to back someone up for once?
I'm trying to give someone my friendship.
And actually, no, I'm not being a hypocrite. I might have made mistakes, also in friendships, but never would I let someone step all over someone I considered a friend.
NEVER.
I'm not telling lies.
I'm so fucking sincere, and you don't believe me?

I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 31 May :: 8.29pm
:: Music: Some cheesy graduation song

It's devastating
Honestly, when I look back on my woohu entries from this past year, I recognize how stupid I've been, the mistakes I've made, and how fake I've been, and how much I've tried to make a new image for myself. I'm not it doing anymore. From now on I want to just be honest with everyone, and mostly with myself. It always happens to me, towards the end of something I realize my wrongdoings, and I don't have enough time to fix any of them. Oh Well... What do you do?
This is not my "end of year" entry, I'm not ready for that one yet- but it's just an introduction to it.
I am sad, almost devastated, thinking about next year. The seniors are leaving. I know I'm not friends with any of them, for those who have to remind me of my social rank, but it just makes me so sad. I know I seem shallow saying this, but I will miss all the hot guys leaving. Especially JF, I could just say his name but I have just grown accustomed to using this name, so forever it will stay this way. He has just made my last couple of months, just getting to look at him everyday was breathtaking, and I will miss it, I'll miss him.
For some reason, keeping in mind that I have never had any sort of contact with him, I am glad we don't know each other. It allows me to have my own, personal fantasy.
Let me just thank the rest of the hot senior boys too, it was valuable, the few glances I got to cast at you all. It's depressing.
Maybe we should just start this year over?

2 Acknowledged me... | I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 30 May :: 10.37pm
:: Music: Tom Jones- Burning Down the House

fakedy fake
I deleted the entry I had posted before, it wasn't me. For anyone who caught a glimpse of it, I was just trying to sound cool- it isn't me. Why should I be trying to convince people, that I am not who they think I am. I like the person I have grown into, most of the time anyway, why change it. I know that there are people out there who have a better sense of writing, a more interlectual side of thinking, that I am always trying to fuse from them, but it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it's not so much what you write, it's what you feel.
We always nag people for the fakeness they pocess, but really we are all just as fake. I faked my journal entry, you faked your loyalty to someone, it's all the same in the end.
I was just watching Degrassi, for anyone wondering there is a marathon going on right now. This episode was the one where Craig's abusive father dies. I remembered watching it before, but I never really thought about it much. I remember before I was mainly just like "Wow, that could never happen." "No dad is really like that, mentally or physically". But isn't it funny, how your opinion can change so drastically the second time around? That always happens to me. Even if your soul hasn't changed, I think your brain expands constantly. Even if I cannot and will not compare my relationship with my father, to Craig's relationship with his father, it's not so far-fetched.
I would like to say that I tried with my dad, that I really, truly tried to connect with him emotionally. But that would be lying, and lying is against God's will, and I am not one to disagree with God. I just always felt, and still do to this day, that he is the one to gain my trust. He lost it, I didn't.
I know a lot of people do not have very good relationships with their fathers, but that's not so much it; I don't feel like I know my dad. I don't even think it's the Atlantic Ocean between us. There is this big clump, that either of us needs to break. And it is not going to be me.
I feel him slipping away. When you're a little dumbass you don't notice.
"Daddy, pleaaaaase I really want it." That's all it was. It wasn't a relationship, but it wasn't a burden either.
As much as I don't need my dad, there are just certain aspects of my life I wish we did share. Doesn't every girl want a dad?
It's getting really hard. It's getting really hard.
I remember, when I was younger, and I would stick up for my dad. In any situation. He never did any good, but I made it good. I could make anything alright in my mind.
I got so jealous when Ms. Frei was talking wonders about her father. I got madly jealous. My dad has nothing, except a huge chunk of change, that could make me admire him. He was the one person I trusted to be my hero, my one person to look up to, and he dissapointed me. Millions of times.
I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. To those of you (the few who are reading this) who feel that they are in a similar situation, I feel for you. I really do.
That was blood honest entry. I hope you enjoyed it. It was uncensored, un cut. That was just me.
Knock knock,
Met

1 Acknowledged me... | I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 26 May :: 5.28pm
:: Music: N.E.R.D- Brain

I didn't...
I didn't want to go to school today or anything. As powerless and weak as I might be, I can predict evil and good. I fear in my mind that something doesn't feel right, and I am always proved right. It's so hard to keep a positive mindset, when you're never proven wrong. At least in that sense. As much as I convinced myself that 9th grade camp had been a fun experience, it wasn't. It was horrible. It broke me apart. It was from there every glass started shattering.
You might think the self-pity is taking over. You might think I only think of myself, but that is where you're wrong. If I don't, no one will. I know there are people that care, but everyone dissapoints you. Everyone.
I bite back at my anger, I hurt my anger more than I hurt myself. When I vommit, I keep the vommit back, it doesn't have power over me. Neither does anger. But you start feeling so sick, and it only really feels good when it's over with.
When I start crying, I am never allowed to just cry. I am always held back, always held back. I don't allow myself to get everything out. I don't allow myself the pleasure.
There is only one person who can help me through my anger and frustration.
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-Mette

I used to hate it when my stepmother would assign our seats at the dinner table. My dad would sit on one side, she would sit across from my dad, and I'd sit next to her. That was the moment I realized that I didn't belong, that I didn't belong in the land where I was born. And that my dad wasn't my dad, he was just man who had helped produce me. I still hate it.

p.s. I know it's bright.

4 Acknowledged me... | I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 25 May :: 4.43pm
:: Music: Limp Bizkit- Behind Blue Eyes

Attached
You're such a puppet master. You're taking advantage of me. You won't let me move, and you allow me nothing but the stage. Nothing but the people looking up, laughing at me.
"Look at that silly girl."
They'll say.
"He has her attached to strings."
They'll say. You don't care though, you're giving me falsehood, nothing but falsehood. It's so wrong that you dangle scissors infront of me, and everytime I'm 'this' close, you pull them away. It's not right. You wonder why I'm not happy, why I hate you, and you don't realize. You don't realize how caught up I am, in you. Like a prey caught in a spider's web. You want me to stay with you, yet when you're faced with the responsibilities; you drop me like a rock.
I hate you for it.
It's not fucking funny anymore, it's not the slightest bit amusing. You might as well kill me, it's like I am dead already. You just killed me, and you did it slowly. So slowly... With no mercy. No mercy.
I just wanna run away, I can't stand it anymore. I'm about to have a mental breakdown.
And all you can say is "w/e".
It's not a joke.
You won. I give up, you won. Hands down, humiliated, without dignity I'll walk out. Just leave me alone. Just leave me be.

1 Acknowledged me... | I'm right here!

HollishDanishM

:: 2004 22 May :: 10.46pm
:: Music: Rugrats Theme Song

It's orgasmic baby
Just as a last good-bye, has anyone noticed how amazingly sexy Angela's father, Graham, is in "My So-Called Life". I am developing a celebrity crush, but let's just ponder over this: he was about 45 I'd say when the show was taped, about 10 years ago, which means he's about 55 now. Actually, when you think about it, it really isn't that bad. Anyone have the same feelings for GRAHAM?

I'm right here!