2006 18 November :: 8.10 pmI should be having a great day!
:: Mood: discontent
I should be having a fantastic day... with getting a Superior at Solo & Ensembles and all. We would've went to States, but FVA isn't having States this year for some odd reason.
I was so nervous today. I messed up on our first song very obviously because of my nerves and I thought it all went downhill from there but apparently not. Our dynamics were really good. =] I was really proud of Lyndsay though. She started learning that music on tuesday and got it. It was so awesome! hehe..
I feel like I don't do anything right. Alyssa was mad at me again... still is actually. I don't know what to do. I really wish I can prevent her from being mad at me. Anjane slept over my house last night so it would be easier for me to take her to Solo & Ensembles today. She got mad. I was out all day at Solo & Ensembles and couldn't talk. She was mad. I'm sorry. What hurt me the most though was that she knew how many times I had cried about going today and how much I cared about this day, and when I told her we got superior, she didn't even care. Well, I guess it doesn't matter much.
Then Aly & Anjane got into a big fight about gift wrapping at Barnes & Noble this year. Aly didn't call them and sign us up and Anjane was really mad.. oh well, it's sort of done & over with now. I guess I'm going to go. Alyssa's not going to talk to me for the rest of the night so I'm extremely bored. I might go to sleep.
I love Alyssa
2006 17 November :: 6.11 amLife..
:: Mood: anxious
I've realized that life really does have ups and downs. There are moments when I'm the happiest I've ever been, to moments where I contemplate death. It's really early in the morning and I'm getting ready for school. Right now, of course, is not one of my happiest moments. Not only because I'm going to school, but I'm not feeling good and Solo & Ensembles are tomorrow.
Tomorrow I might be happy in the morning or completely stressed out or just nervous. I'm not sure yet. Last year when I was doing a solo, before I actually performed, I was freaking out. I was so nervous I was scared I couldn't sing. I went in and seriously sang those songs the best I had ever sang them. Right when I got home, I had the worst fever I had ever had and I couldn't get out of bed because I was so sick. All the stress had built up inside of me and released by giving me a fever, apparently. Ms. Romero, Anjane, Leslie, & Tomlin had called me with the results though and told me I was the only soloist that got a superior... that made up for it all. lol
Anyway, this year (I don't think) will be as good as last year... I might go to school late... I'll write later.
I love Alyssa
2006 28 October :: 4.44 pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Alyssa's voice
Ah... life... I don't really see what the point of it is sometimes. Everything I love has just been taken from me... My 1st year of chorus, I began to love chorus.. & Ms. Romero leaves... I actually fall in love with Alyssa & she leaves... I just hate life sometimes.....
We were so close to not being able to go to Solo & Ensembles.... I had to bring the application to John Rose's house last night at like... 11.. it was crazy... John Rose is Coral Reef's director... I feel so special that 2 choral directors were helping us out.. =] Ms. Romero & Mr. Rose are cool people! hehe...
Yeah.. but I wanted to die last night.. I was not happy... I was crying a lot & I felt cutting myself.. but I didn't thankfully... =\
Anyway... I downloaded music from Aladdin.. so yeah I think I'm going to go listen to it... lol
Here are some icons...
I love Alyssa
3 i pretty much |
2006 22 October :: 2.46 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: "Nobody Wins"- The Veronicas
Man... apparently I suck..
I sware I must be one of the worst girlfriends of life.. right? I mean, I wasn't able to talk to Alyssa on friday (although it was our 4th month anniversary! Mind you, I was completely understanding about the whole thing.) because she was at a sleepover and then yesterday I went out (not even all night) and I get the cold shoulder because I somewhat can't talk on the phone. =\
Yesterday was pretty fun. I hung out with Anjane like I usually do on the weekends now. I went over to her house at around 1:30 yesterday and we were going to practice our solo and ensemble songs again. We really only practiced for about 20 minutes out of the entire time we were there though. lol We talked about everything most of the day. She straightened my hair and it actually turned out really good. Although my hair isn't really far from straight.. it's just a little wavy, but it looked a lot different. She did all of my makeup too.. It was fun. We called Aly but she had plans already so she couldn't hang out. We decided we wanted to go to Barnes & Noble and we had called Kristin to meet us there but she couldn't go. We had also asked Ryan but he was acting dumb and said he was going to the movies, so it was just Anjane & I. My dad actually gave me money so I was pretty excited. lol
So, we went to Barnes & Noble and we were just looking around. Anjane suggested we go across the street to Old Navy and the GAP so I was like, sure! We looked around there and I was going to buy a pair of flip-flops but decided against it. I really should've bought them, but oh well. I had my heart set on buying a book. =] We were going to go to Claire's which was around there but they were closing as soon as we got over there, so we couldn't. After that, we decided we wanted something to eat (& strangely I was craving hot chocolate) so we went to this 24/7 diner. It was around 9 p.m by this time. So yeah, we had food and talked and then got out of there. Then, we went back to Barnes & Noble because I wanted to buy a book extremely bad. lol
I had no clue what book I wanted to buy throughout this whole time in Barnes & Noble and Anjane was trying to figure out what I'd like to read. We started talking about A Series Of Unfortunate Events and I had told her I wanted to read it. We found out last night that they had finally come out with The End. It was the last book of the series and it had apparently just come out last week. Anjane was freaking out. All she kept saying was, "They made an end? Oh my gosh! They actually finished it!?" lol it was really funny. I had already seen the movie, which is based on the first 3 books and she had told me that the 4th book was extremely boring and she didn't like it. So, she told me that I should start with the 5th book since I basically know the beginning and everything. So I bought it. I actually already finished it and I bought it at like 10 something last night. I was reading it from 10 something in the morning today and finished it around 1:30 or something. lol yeah, I'm a loser.
Anyway, I've called Alyssa like 3 times today and she didn't answer any of the times, so I'm guessing either she's not home or she just doesn't want to call me back because she's mad. I think it's really pointless to be mad about something like that, but I can't change it. We really shouldn't be fighting now. Especially since we're so far away from eachother. It's bad enough that all we have is the internet and phones now. =[
Yeah, I feel like I've done a lot today. I finished a book, I cleaned my room, I'm doing all of my laundry (Not that I don't do it already!)..
Well, I have to do some other stuff... I'll write later.
.I love Alyssa.
With all of my heart & soul.
1 i pretty much |
2006 18 October :: 6.09 pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: "The Piano Duet"- The Corpse Bride
Did I do something wrong?
It seriously feels like everytime I update this journal I'm insanely depressed. Oh well. Today started out pretty good.. I mean, I wasn't stressed out completely like I am now.. well, I'll explain.
Morning: I went to school for about 20 minutes? lol I picked Anjane & Kristin up and we went to my house. We were trying to practice this song called "Rosin Eating Zombies From Outer Space". Kristin wrote me notes and lyrics to it, while she and Anjane play seperate violin parts. It's crazy! I have to sing 2 D's above middle C (I know everyone reading this is probably like, what the hell is that?)!!! If you don't know, that is EXTREMELY high!! & even that is an understatement. It was hard because I hadn't really practiced the night before.. so yeah. Well, Kaila called Kristin at around 10 and we decided to go to Denny's. We had fun. We shared stories. Well, they did while I listened. lol. When we got done there it was about 11 something and we all had decided to go to school. Blah!
School: We got to school at around 11:30. No one was around the auditorium or music department so we got away with not getting late passes. Well, Kaila and Kristin had already decided to get passes but Anjane & I stayed in the chorus room. The other girls met up with us in the chorus room about 20 min. later. Mr. Navarro, surprisingly, was ok with us staying in there. I was shocked. lol. We're all doing the "Zombie" song (Kaila plays Cello) for our English class because in the lyrics, Kristin put in our vocab. words. We would've practiced but I hadn't brought my music, so they just played basically the whole time while I listened. At the very end Anjane & I sang. I was supposed to go during what was supposed to be my 2nd per. to get Ms. Perez to sign my Office Aide paper, but I didn't. So great, I might be getting a F3F in my teacher's aide block because today was the last day to turn in our papers. =[
After school: I was freaking out about the teacher's aide paper so I went to Ms. Perez's class and tried to get her to sign it. She wasn't there. Typical. So, I went to the Drama club meeting. I was freaking out there and almost crying & Brienna was trying to calm me down. Bryan attempted too.. he's funny! He does a really good gay impression! lol. I stayed there till about 3. I got the script for the play we're doing and I have to memorize my lines by Nov. 5. I only have 16 lines... so I should be ok. We actually acted some of it out. It was pretty cool! Then, when I was leaving, Bryan was like "Hold on. I need to talk to you about the play." (He's the director) We walked outside and I thought he was going to say I did bad or something but on the contrary he was like "Man, I didn't know you could act! You did really good!" lol It was funny. I was like, "Well, thank you!". Oh, and there was a guy (he was in Drama) outside who was talking to his mom on the phone and he was like "Bryan, Stop flirting!" & Bryan was like "I'm not." & the guy kept insisting he was and I just screamed to him, "I have a girlfriend!" & the guy was like, "WHAT!?" lol. People have the funniest reactions whenever I say that statement. It's kind of ironic that 4 words can effect someone so much. Yeah, then I was almost running to my truck because I had to pick up my cousin. On my way there, I called my dad because he had called me during my meeting. I asked him if we were going to look at that truck that I might buy and he said yeah. Then he started telling me that I should have a job because he's not going to pay for the truck and all this stuff. I was already stressing out about the paper I hadn't turned in and stuff and I was almost crying. It's all ok right now and I'm praying I can turn it in early tomorrow morning... oh well... yeah anyway... I was crying before I picked up my cousin and after. I cried more at home. It's killing me not being with Alyssa. I could handle so much when she was here but now it seems like it's piling on and I can't stop it. It's horrible. well, I have to go... I'll write later.
I love Alyssa
1 i pretty much |
2006 15 October :: 6.38 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Dolphins game on t.v
High Hopes... Too high?
Are my hopes too high in life?
I would really like to know the answer to that question... I mean.. The least of my hopes is wanting the Dolphins to win. I want to go to Juilliard, the best performing arts school in the U.S. I'm hoping we move really soon. I'm hoping that Alyssa and I are together forever.
Is it all too much to be hoping for?
My dreams are really big... are they too big?
I'm dreaming to be a Broadway singer. I dream of Alyssa and I getting through all of this.
Broadway? Is it too much to dream for? Too high? 1500 miles... is that too much distance for a relationship? I have my days where I think nothing is too big or too high for me, but then, like always, there are the negative days. The days where I don't believe I sing good enough, don't believe I'm a good enough girlfriend. I don't know anymore. I try so hard at everything I do, but maybe it's not hard enough.
I want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect teenager in general. I want to be the perfect singer, the perfect actress, the perfect dancer. But most importantly, I want to be the perfect friend and girlfriend.
Alyssa means everything to me. I want to be everything she wants, but I can't. It's really hard. I hang out with Anjane & Aly to take my mind off of being sad but I end up sad anyway because Alyssa gets mad at me. I try though. Really, I try. Of course I'm going to make mistakes, although I hate the fact that I do. I really wish I was perfect. Then I wouldn't get into fights with anyone, I wouldn't be criticized. Everyone would like me and no one would be mean to me. It would be amazing. I could do no wrong. Then, & only then, I could be everything and then some that Alyssa wants.
But, I can't. I can't be as perfect as I dream to be. I'm sorry for that. I can't look as perfect as I want. I can't act as perfect, sing as perfect. I can't always say the right thing. I'm sorry.
Enough with my philosophical rant though. Two months until I can see her beautiful face in person again. I miss it so much. Being able to hold her and kiss her, whenever I wanted almost. It seems like she's been mad at me a lot. I don't really know what I do, but I guess that's where the "not being perfect" thing comes into play. There are going to be plenty of things I do wrong. I'm sorry in advance. I wish I was perfect but I can only change myself so much, & even then I still wouldn't be perfect.
I love you so much baby & I want to be with you forever. Really.
2 i pretty much |
2006 9 October :: 9.17 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: "Let Go"- Frou Frou
Ehh.. my day was pretty good compared to the last few. I wasn't crying really bad. My eyes were very watery and tears ran down my face but there was none of that heaving crying. What a surprise!
Finished my work, like always. Mr. Rodriguez checked our notebooks and I got a B. =] Anjane was supposed to pull my out but for reasons unknown to me, she couldn't. Doesn't really matter though. I don't necessarily hate that class anymore. It's just boring.
Fun as always. I love Ms. Perez's class. We took a really important test today on The Great Gatsby. I got an A!!! When about half of the class was still taking the test and there was a selected few who were done, she was like, "Gina, you really understood the book." lol I didn't know if she was serious so I was like, "Are you being sarcastic?" & she was like, "No, you did really good." I was like, "YES! :arm pump:"
Chorus was actually fun today. All of us sopranos were in the keyboard lab. We were supposed to be practicing this really stupid medley of Christmas songs. It has stuff like "Jingle Bells" and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". It's so retarded. The only part I like in it is when we sing "Silent Night" and I sing a high A! Ah, I love it! So yeah, we didn't want to practice that. We started singing Hanerot Halalu and finished the entire song in like, 30 minutes! It was amazing. It's a really cool song!! It's in Hebrew and you know you gotta love those Jewish songs!! =] We got into somewhat trouble for doing that song though because Mr. Navarro didn't know we were doing that one. So we went out to show him and then he told us to go back into the room and practice the real song. So we practiced it and then we were making fun of it and singing "Jingle Bells" really bright like we were 5 year olds. It was a lot of fun! I was sitting on top of the filing cabinets and standing on chairs. lol
well, have to go. I'll write tomorrow.
[i love Alyssa]
1 i pretty much |