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No one could see me. I fell into yesterday.

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poisonedheart

:: 2017 1 November :: 10.47pm

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who knows me
I'm mean and bitter
And a failure at everything that I say I believe

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who loves me
I never write, I never call
I never think about anyone at all

I'm not a good person
No matter what I do
My exhaustion will consume me
And I'm too tired for the truth

I'm not a good person
I'm sure you're not surprised
It must be pouring out my sweat glands
It must be someplace in my eyes

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way
I'm not a good person, not even to you
I'm staying home because I can't stand the sound
Of another heartbeat in the room

I'm not a good person
Fuck it, you know it's true
I'm lazy, I'm a coward
I'm asleep all day in my room

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2017 16 June :: 11.54pm


When something I hold dear is out to hurt me
I kick that feeble dream and whisper something like a prayer

No more shame, no more fear, no more dread

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2017 9 May :: 8.40am



When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics

I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts

We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2017 25 April :: 1.09am

So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection
Of a coward you and I both hate very much

help me


justadreamer

:: 2015 28 July :: 4.37pm

Stars when you shine,
You know how I feel.
Scent of a pine,
You know how I feel.
Oh, freedom is mine,
And I know how I feel.

It's a new dawn, a new day,
a new life for me,
And I'm feeling good.

[My actual entries are all friends only; feel free to add me!]

1 worthless word | help me


justadreamer

:: 2014 16 December :: 3.29pm

"Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool, and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our loved is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer, and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well, what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.

help me


silversoldier

:: 2014 26 October :: 8.29pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Oh god...
This is a trip.

1 worthless word | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2013 6 October :: 10.25am

I have not posted on here in an exceptionally long time. I think I'm finally really happy with my life though. I enjoy my job, I get to see so many amazing, beautiful places and meet interesting people everyday. In a lot of ways it feels like I'm on vacation all the time, always going places people dream about seeing when they retire or something. Instead those places are where I get to go everyday.

3 worthless words | help me


justadreamer

:: 2013 30 April :: 12.49am

Really old Nutella mixed with cigarette ashes doesn't taste good.

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2012 23 June :: 5.46pm

Interviewing for my first "real" job on monday, full range of insurance, paid vacation, sick leave, "competitive salary" (the average in this job is $65k a year around here).

I am so excited, but terrified that all of a sudden I'll have to be a real adult.

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2012 27 February :: 3.10am


Love is real
It is not just in novels or the movies
It is fact
And it is standing here right in front of you
So if you open your eyes
Oh what a sweet discovery
There is hope, and there is joy, and there is acceptance
So now let all of the light that collects on your plants
Keep you warm, make you smile
And I will be there with this pen in my hand
To record all the while
You'll be laughing so loud
That the house would shake with sound
And everything will be as new as the day it was found
Love is real
It is not just in long distance commercials
Or something that you thought you felt back in high school
So I will turn black and white
Become that horoscope you're reading
It predicts something good is on its way
Oh, and then I will send you the world green and blue
In a box through the mail
You can open it up, hold it right in your hand
And be glad that it's there
And be glad that you're there
Now, you can feel all the knots in your stomach start to untie
And suddenly it's not so hard to say you're all right
Love is real
It is not just in poetry and stories
It is truth, and it will follow you
Everywhere you go from now on
So if you'd just cast off your doubt
Then your lips would answer for you
Oh my darling, when you smile, it is like a song
And I can hear it now
And I can hear it now
And I can hear it now
Yes, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
Yeah, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
Yeah, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2011 7 July :: 2.37am

Just 40 days left in Spokane, I'm super excited, and super nervous.

1 worthless word | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2011 26 June :: 1.07am

Oh no I'm all drunk.

And Jen is gone for the rest of summer, I probably won't see her again until next summer.

This makes me quite sad =(

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2011 4 June :: 11.26pm

73 days, then iowa

4 worthless words | help me


justadreamer

:: 2011 23 March :: 10.30am

You know what? I miss EmotionDump.

2 worthless words | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2011 17 March :: 12.02pm

I got accepted to Iowa State University's College of Design, I am so unbelievably stoked right now.

2 worthless words | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2010 16 November :: 12.13am

I hurt myself today.

The razor's kiss.

I don't even know why I did it.

Just so full of pills I wanted to see what would happen.

The sting was unbelievable, the blood oozing from the fresh slit.

She wanted to kiss my wound, put a band-aid on it.

But all I could think about was more pain.

A lit cigarette, lit no more. A brilliant new burn.

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2010 7 July :: 1.34pm

Back started to act up pretty badly while I was helping Jen and Harry clear out that house.

Today the real heavy lifting starts, hopefully I won't get another herniated disc.

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2010 20 April :: 3.41am

fuck
i really hope Morgan does not tell Kathi what she just saw- i will loose my job.

And if she says shes just doing her job ill be happy for her. I'm so close to tears right now it sucks- 8 more min of work and then i can go home and cry.

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2010 17 April :: 2.02am

I have kept a girl from committing suicide for the past 9 months. Last night i just happened to have amazing timing.

I wonder when i wont have the good timing.

I hope it isn't till im 79.

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2010 26 February :: 11.45pm

Please go away.
I had another dream about Scott- he had lost wieght and hand long hair...we were dating again...it was weird and just made me sad :(

I need to move on- i texted him a while back and he never responded so its good. i did move on. i just had a dream.

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2010 9 February :: 2.11am

...
It makes me sad how much i miss you.

Cause i shouldn't. But i feel like im not part of your life anymore.

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2010 19 January :: 1.14am

Fuck em
Stupid damn men.


GODDAMIT- i should so know better by now.

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2010 7 January :: 11.48am

oyu know whats adorable?? The missed connections section on craigs list.

Now its usually all bout sex. but.

The thought that someone could be so taken with someone else in a few short moments freaking makes me giddy with hope :)

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2009 21 December :: 10.39pm

Surpises
Its always interesting when i go back and look at old entries- cause i've morphed so much they don't make much sense.

Its really funny, because on this very page there is an oath i made to myself that came true without copmming true. I told myself i was going to lose my weight if it killed me. Really i just finally fell in love with myself after something else killed me.

Weird yeah?

Anyways i was about to scurry off to more social networks of communication but i've decided to stay and do my end of the year update that i always do somewhere.


SOOOO since last decemeber....damn this year has been nuts but here we go:

I became a college drop-out and re-enterd.

I attempted to forge my way into Seattle and gave up when i saw how tall the wall really was.

I learned to love and escapes a cycle of love.

I had an epic adventure to Vegas with roxanne.

I learned to love myself and in a sense have bloomed into a new girl.

I fell for love with someone who was in love and burned us both for it.

I watched tiowers burn for the first time in years.

I am an artist.

I got published!!!! yay for the cover

I came to a maturity where i can live with my parents.

I found my brother.

I bonded with old pals and made new ones.

I found myself.

I found my power.

a bulimic chick told me i was beautiful.

I had a one night stand that lasted aprox 17 m inutes.

I had 5 dates in one week.

I gave up pop.

I lost 30lb and gained it back.

I found out im a 40DDD.

Looking back on the year as a whole I have grown so much. I figured out i am a person liked by many but know by few. I have figured out how strong i really am.


Its funny becuase people keep telling me i am so confident and i exude confidence and i'm so self assured and blah blah blah but im not, i kinda just gave up on caring about what they all thought of me. Why do i care about the gossip? I don't care about what others have that i don't. I could give a flying fuck about what anyone thinks i lack.

So in a sense i found happiness.

Really: WHY do people care about who has the best stuff? What other people choose to do with their lives especially if it dosnt effect you? Why do people want to destroy other people to better themselves when it only betters them in their own eyes? Why do people give a flying rip about what the chick/dude in the corner is wearing?


What is the point of all that? Why would you mud up your life with all that nonesense?

Really???

I've found something that finally works for me.

Because i don't need the best things in life to be happy- i have a fucking 8 by8 tv in my dorm that plays vhs tapes- that makes me smile :D.

Because i don't care about who fucked who and why it was a bad decision unless they are a lifetime friend.

I don't care who is the handsome guy. For me looks come after a long list of attrributes that make me happier then their face, beauty is very easy to find in anyone , honesty, integrity, humor, a dash of chivalry and a pinch of dumb boy is hard to find. I find beauty in my loves in their hands, their eyes and the emotions they spark in me- thats what i want.

Because i give people advice but don't think they are obligated to follow it. People make their own god damned decisions and they will suffer the consequences-not me.


Because i just really dont care anymore- why do i need to? If they don't matter to me i refuse to get wrapped up in their nonesense. I don't have time for that.



Oh this also needs to be said

Dear Casey,
I am fucking tired of walking after you and picking up your messes, im tired of having to baby you, im tired of the "stupid act" you do, im tired of having to be more mature then you, i fuicking hate your abandonment issues, i dont need or want your fucking advice and god so help me if you try and analyse my love life again i will walk away and never look back.

I adore you but if i want yuour advice i will ask you.
Its not to be mean but really- i dont take advice unless i seek it out.

I dont care that you think because roxanne is moving in that i will leave you because if i do then im a bad person and you shouldnt want to be my friend anyways.

I'm tired of your stupid fucking games, your dumb little seeds you dont think i see you trying to plant. I am not easily manipulated by people so transparent as you.

I hate the fact that you are shallow. that fucking just grates on me. I hate the fact you want me to cradel you for your fucking dumb decisions. I hate that you lie to me and think its funny. I hate that you know you are making bad decisions but do them anyways and treat your long time friends like shit. I hate that you fucking cant keep a secret and then get pissed when others are pissed that you blab- what do you fucking expect? You betray people and that hurts asshole.

I hate your vengful ways. I hate how malicious you can be and really casey darlin i hate how fucking fake you are and how you think its entertaining. its not.

The casey i liked seems to have gone away. The casey who was awesome seems to be hibernating.

And well i think we need to take a break pumpkin.

Fuck off,

Michelle.



SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. thats been my year and some well deserved venting. :D


help me

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