duckie
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2008 7 August :: 7.29am
First off: I hate Shawn.
Second? I think I now hate Amber and Amanda as much as I hate Shawn.
They're all friends or whatever on Facebook.
RECAP. I originally stopped hanging out with the girls because of Shawn. He didn't want me drinking all the time or smoking pot -- Fair enough. It's not a healthy lifestyle, not gonna lie. However, I could have handled things my way instead of the way that he wanted them handled. So we lost touch. I tried getting in touch with them SO MANY TIMES, and Shawn just fucking walks in and friends them like it's nothing.
IT'S NOT NOTHING. I had some of the best fucking times of my LIFE with those people, and memories that I couldn't burn out of my mind if I tried. They were there for me through my darkest days; they were the ONLY ones that were there. They were my family when I was certain that mine had turned on me, and they kept me sane.
I cannot describe the immense feeling of hurt that is coursing through my blood right now. I feel completely betrayed. COMPLETELY betrayed.
Of course when it boils down to it, it's my fault. All of it is my fault. I was vulnerable, and impressionable, so I listened to someone that I thought could have been looking out for me, and I think he was; he just didn't know the proper way to handle things.
The worst part is that I can't get rid of them no matter how hard I try. I can't forget them because they're EVERYWHERE. We all have mutual friends, people always fucking ask me if I've seen them, talked to them, heard from them. I can't get away, and the only way to do it is to completely let go of Waukesha and EVERYONE who I was friends with there, which isn't an option because that means losing Chassa which I can't/won't do.
Shawn claimed that he added Amber to find out what happened between us, and then Amanda just added him later. I sent him a text, and he said "who is this." REALLY. Is he seriously going to play fucking games with me?
I have to throw up.
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2008 7 August :: 7.13am
I'm going into work to fill the teller cash dispenser machines, and then I'm coming straight home. Becky will probably be pissed, but my stomach hurts so fucking bad that my lungs ache when they breathe. I feel like I swallowed a bag of rocks, and I don't think I slept much.
I think it may be stress related, but I'll call my dad later to confirm/find out what I can do to make it go away.
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2008 5 August :: 7.56am
I'm not so sure how I feel about my job anymore. My manager... yea. I don't like her. At all. She constantly revises my schedule and just assumes that it'll be okay, and then when it's not she makes a big fucking deal about it. Next Saturday I FINALLY wasn't scheduled, so Pj and I were going to go to a car show. Well she revised this week and next week's schedule and now I'm supposed to work next Saturday. Which would make it 6 Saturday's in a row that I would have to work, which only annoys me because she keeps saying that she wants to do 2 on 2 off. HOW IS THAT 2 ON 2 OFF. I'd REALLY like to know. Not only that, but she has BETH working too. I'm gonna try to talk to her today to find out if I can have off. Otherwise I'm just going to call in sick. Eff that S, imo.
When I worked at Best Buy, at least they had the decency to ASK YOU if you could stay later, switch days, or whatever needed to be done. They didn't just turn your shit upside down and assume you'll be okay with it.
Am I completely off base for getting so irritated about this, or is it justified? I want to say something to her like just asking if she could talk to me first before changing my schedule to make sure that it will work. This isn't about me needing to be more flexible, because I'm plenty flexible. I just don't take kindly to someone changing my shit around without asking first, and it makes me not want to do any kind of "favors." Work isn't my world, and I do have a social life. I just feel like I'm not being respected as an employee.
I think I need to start looking for new employment depending on how the conversation with my manager goes today.
=[.
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2008 2 August :: 8.01am
Good weekend to come, imo? After teh werkz, that is.
Hopefully this whole "omg I'm sick" thing won't make me too irritable/tired.
Coast Guard Festivallll!!! Fireworkssssss. Camera is charged and ready to go so that I can FINALLY get normal and good pictures with muh Sayche and the boys. I hope it's not too unbearably hot though, although I'm sure it will be =]
Kk. TO WORK! <= I'm not excited, fyi. I just like caps. A lot.
Btw, I have the BEST boyfriend in the whole entire fucking world. Jealous? Good; you should be =] Btw Rachel, I don't want to hear you tell me that yours is the best. Let's just call it a draw and say they're tied, k? =P
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2008 1 August :: 6.47am
Tried to say something to Slayer this morning, and yep. No voice. And I can't seem to clear my throat enough to get my voice back.
Work today is going to suck, especially if I don't start feeling better.
I just want to crawl back into bed and never come out =[
Edit: I lathered up with some Vick's and took a really hot shower, and that seemed to help a little bit as far as getting my voice back however not as far as making Miss Mandie feel on top of her game again =[ /fail.
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2008 31 July :: 7.32am
Yep, I think I might be getting sick.
My throat fucking hurts. A LOT.
I haven't tried talking because.. I have no one to talk to, so that would just be weird, but I have a feeling that I don't have much of a voice.
I didn't sleep much at all last night because of how uncomfortable the throat hurting was.
Emotionally I'm feeling really clingy and on the verge of tears;
Typical "sick" feelings.
Becky went into the hospital to probably finally have her baby which means that it's only me and Beth.
Beth is on vacation all next week which means that it's only me.
I need to get two days off in September for the Wisconsin airsoft op, which I'm not feeling too hopeful about at this point
I'm really really tired =[
And I really really don't want to deal with people today.
At least I don't have to close =\
Hugs, plx?
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2008 30 July :: 10.41am
Hm.
Ever since I started dating again, I've always found it really awkward referring to him as my "boyfriend," just because I'm 22 years old, and that term just feels so... high school-ish. I thought it was just the transition from once having a husband and then reverting back to bf, but apparently there are many adults that have the same struggle.
I should totally go back to school for sociology because stuff like this intrigues me to absolutely no end.
And good ole USA Today for supplying me with my daily dose of knowledge <3
Oh, and I totally think that this can apply to people who are in their lower mid 20's too; not just 25 and up.
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2008 29 July :: 10.18am
Coast Guard festival on Saturday, and I'm reaaaaaaaaaly excited! Fireworks are love. Winning stuffed animals is love. Rides are love. Sayche is loveeee <3333 I have a feeling that it will be a really good weekend =]!
My schedule was revised since I took sole control over the cash dispenser machines which basically means that I fill them every Thursday morning, and I'm the only person in the branch that has the full code for them, AND I have teh keyz =] SO I no longer have to close on Thursday or Friday this week, and hopefully I'll be able to get out 45 minutes early on Friday since Becky and I ended up staying 45 minutes late last night to audit the TCD machines. *crosses fingers* I was at work for nearly 11 hours yesterday =[ That makes me sad hah.
I'm going to attempt to make BBQ chicken tonight... in the oven. So, we'll see how that whole thing turns out lol. I've never made BBQ chicken before =x I just hope the chicken is still good =\ It's been sitting in the freezer for awhile just wrapped in two plastic bags, so Idk if it's been wrapped well enough to prevent freezer burn.
Damn. I need to go to Best Buy today too. I think I'll wait til Pj gets home though, and maybe he'll want to go with me =]
kk, I need to shower and clean around here to keep myself busy. =]
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2008 28 July :: 8.19am
Aaaaand I just broke my hair dryer =|
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2008 28 July :: 7.00am
It was a pretty good weekend, but I'm starting to feel burnt out, like I just need a minute to breathe.
Woke up this morning with a killer sinus headache before my alarm went off, no less, and I feel completely sleep deprived. I'm pissed off that Becky, my manager, decided to give me sole control over the cash dispenser machines TODAY instead of making me stay late on a day where I'm NOT working 10 hours.
I don't like my manager at all. She may be new to the management position, but she's not new to the company, and she's sure as hell not new to the teller position. Everything about her irritates the hell out of me. I hate how she acts so timid and fragile, I hate the way she talks, and I really hate how she's incapable of using proper grammar when she speaks. The only time that I DO like her is when we're just fucking off and talking to whoever else is working. I would be more than happy to go out and stuff on Thursday nights with them, but I wouldn't be able to stand that much time with Becky; I would probably try to kill her. Or myself.
I'm pretty crabby, obviously. For now I'll just blame it on my pounding headache that drugs didn't help with at all, and the fact that I'm ridiculously tired.
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2008 26 July :: 7.35am
half day.... and sayche time FOR THE REST OF THE WEEKEND. i love it. LOVE IT. =] that alone makes me excited to go to work =]
*loveeeeeeeeeee*
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2008 25 July :: 7.19am
I'm not in a good mood today, and I'm feeling pretty fucking irritated about going into work and just standing around doing nothing for 10 hours because we're slow as fuck.
Shooting range tonight though, so hopefully that will be fun although I'm pretty certain I'm going to be tired as fuck since I didn't sleep much last night, and I have to get up early tomorrow too for work =[ Gay, imo.
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2008 23 July :: 9.17am
Sig 226
That will be my baby, and I'm ridiculously excited to get her! I got shot in the face at the Ohio op which pissed me off, so it was suggested that I carry a sidearm with me in case someone decides to get cocky. It's SO comfortable to hold! Pj and I went to MC as well, and I got to hold a real one =D If I ever have $800 laying around, I'm definitely going to be picking me up a real steel Sig 226.
Yum, imo =]
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2008 22 July :: 12.42pm
Don't feel like you have to read this.
I feel a bit of drama coming on, and I'm not at all looking forward to it.
I was good friends with a girl in high school, and in my darker days I decided that I was going to seduce her boyfriend and get him to sleep with me because I thought she was being a fucking cunt, and I just wanted to get back at her for it. I'm not proud, and this was when I was 18, so obviously it's been a few years. I'm pretty sure she knows what happened even though we've never actually talked about it. None of them talk to me anymore.
Well, apparently she got in touch with Missy who I just recently reunited with. After 5 years of bullshit, we finally got past things that happened at the end of high school, and we hung out and caught up like we never missed a beat. Sooo now Amanda wants to be friends with her, they talked on the phone, friended on facebook, and all that stuff.
I don't even know what to think. I just feel like I was stabbed in the fucking chest. I don't even know why I feel this way because it's completely unjustified. I fucked up when I was a kid, and I did things that I could quite possibly regret. Is it even worth it to feel like this? I don't deserve her friendship, but I feel like I deserve the chance to be heard out. Maybe I don't because I crossed one of those lines and broke one of the unwritten rules of friendship. I'm different now though, COMPLETELY different, and I've grown up a lot. I guess that's why I feel this is all justified. I hate that I give people second, third, twentieth chances, and when I want a second one, I don't get jack fucking shit.
So here I am for the who knows how many times wanting to try to reach out again. Try to explain myself and salvage whatever is left of what we had. I know it will probably end in heartache like it has every time before, but I can't seem to let go of everything. I can't just erase some of the best times and memories of my life, and no matter how hard I try to forget, I get slapped in the face with everything over and over again. Rolling with the same circle of friends always brings them around, and I hear about them whether I want to or not.
Damnit.
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2008 21 July :: 8.58am
Ohio was a blast, and I took tons of pictures of the boys which was supposed to quench my photography thirst, but instead made it grow tremendously. It was hot as FUCK, the airsoft field sucked ass, but hanging out with the boys made it all worth it =]
Me, Pj, and Kel went to see Dark Knight last night after we were showered from the weekend. Amazing. That's all there is to say. OH and that Heath Ledger better damn well get an Oscar for his performance because it was flawless. I think that would only make it the 2nd time [if he gets one] that an Oscar was awarded after death.
And now it's Monday again. I'm still exhausted from the weekend, and my arms are a bit sore from sun burn so it'll be a long day, I think.
Edit: Trip to Young's is probably going to be in order this week so I can get a sidearm =D
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