Die-ary

2 more shards | break my being

:: 2007 2 February :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: sleepy/depressed/sad
:: Music: Assemblage 23 - Let Me Be Your Armor

I went to the mall last night.
And I bought a lot of cute clothes.
Mostly gothic lolita stuff from Rave and Forever 21.
But there was this one item that my mom told me I just "had to have"
And it reminds me of a gray Inspector Gadget trench coat.
Now all I need is that hat and my favorite pair of jeans.
And I'll be the sleuth of the town.
And it'll be awesome.

On another note I'm really tired of being treated like a child.
"Well, if you don't want to be treated like a child, don't act like one."
Well, you know what?
I follow my own rules.
And that's what adults do.
Outside of the law, they really don't have to answer to anyone.
And I want that.
Well... Maybe not even that much freedom.
I just want to be able to sleep in Diego's arms without someone telling me that it's wrong.
That it's not proper.
Fuck proper.
Since when are my mother and Mark the authority on PROPER?
Fuck the "I'm the parent" bullshit
Don't expect me to live by morals that you yourself don't live by.

<3

:: 2007 25 January :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: resentful
:: Music: Sero.Overdose - For You

Got a question for you.
When was the last time you said "Come on, let's go do something together. Just you and me. I really want to spend time with you."?

Let's see if you can answer that.
Because I surely can't.

<3

:: 2007 25 January :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: resentful
:: Music: Seven Mary Three - Cumbersumb

WTF is WRONG with her?!
MAKE me come stay with her at MARK'S HOUSE?!
What the fuck?
FIRST
She gives him another chance
AND THEN
She considers/leans towards moving back in with him
AND NOW
NOW
I have to go FUCKING STAY AT HIS FUCKING EMPTY HELL HOLE ON THE FUCKING WEEKENDS?
When I'm supposed to get a chance to enjoy myself?
When I'm supposed to be able to relax?
When I'm supposed to be able to be somewhere I feel AT HOME at?!

And somehow doing THIS is doing the right thing for our family?
You have never done the right thing for this family!
All you have ever done is in the pursuit of your own happiness!
And it's always fucked us over!

Fuck you!
I hate you!

:: 2007 25 January :: 5.03pm
:: Mood: annoyed, determined
:: Music: Rammstein - Reise, Reise

My goals:
A piercing in the middle of my bottom lip.
More piercings in my ears.
(Eventually) get some piercings in my belly button
(Maybe) pierce one of my eyebrows
Learn some new things
Get all As
Get in shape
Get a J.O.B.
Join clubs (next year)
Do my fucking best on the SAT
Pick out some colleges I'm interested in
Learn how to fucking drive (and get my learners)
Get something to fix my sight
Take my vitamins
Stop losing my hair
Grow my hair back
Cut my hair (just a bit)
Figure out what it is I want out of life

Have patience for my mother and Asja
(Maybe) give Mark another chance

But mostly
Give school my best shot
So that I can get the hell out of here
And the hell away from them

<3

:: 2007 25 January :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: Done
:: Music: Tool - Laterlus

I hate you for taking your touch out of my parenting
And leaving a stranger's in your place.
And I hate you for realizing too late
That you were never there.
It wasn't you who shaped who I am
It was your absense

<3

2 more shards | break my being

:: 2007 24 January :: 1.56am
:: Mood: Sleepy/Headachy/GODDAMNATS
:: Music: Korn - Thoughtless

So I was looking at Disney merch, right?
And it hit me.
Why not have a fucking Little Mermaid themed birthday party this year?
Hell fucking yes!
It's time to fufill my childhood fantasy!
The first half of it anyway.
My first love was the Little Mermaid (age 4)
My second love was bondage and rough sex (age 5)
Mmhm Mhmm. ~nod nod~
So.
I really. Really love the Little Mermaid.
Like not just a little
But... a lot
I think that when I grow up and get rich (screw being famous) I'm definitely going to have a Little Mermaid/Pirate room.
Oh yes.
And it will be wonderful.
I'll place right next to the Kink room
omfg.
Ariel Styling head.
Her hair is so gorgeous (jealous)
Omfg.
Ariel Beauty Set!
!!!!!
Oh hellz yeah!
Princess Turbo CARS!!!
:D
Okay.
Okay.
Ariel and the whole Princess gang is are love.

<3

2 more shards | break my being

:: 2006 30 December :: 2.13am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Watching Me Fall - The Cure

it's not sexual, it's just aggression
Christmas was alright.
I still dislike it.

I got some luggage. (I didn't have any, and I intend to travel as much as possible.) It's Dakine (ooh brand name ooh), and I only mention that because it's brown plaid. So good.

Err... Some other things that were lovely but most appreciated was the money, which I used to buy myself the following on boxing day:

- clothing from Urban Behavior (don't judge me. Their clothes are both cheap and nice. Boxing Day 50% Off Sale? Yes, please.) - two pencil skirts, two silky tanktops, one sweater/dress shirt combo, one button-up shirt, one black waist belt, one navy bead necklace: $94

- Final Fantasy XII: $60

- Off The Wall clothing (so good... but so expensive.) - one polka-dotty shapey grey sweater with one large button near each shoulder, one pair of severe ankle-biter jeans, one polka-dotty belt, and one black hoody: $158

- Mac makeup - black eyeshadow: $18

Then when I was out of town with Trystan and Mac on our ULTIMATE FRIENDSHIP DAY I got Dangerous Angels by Francescia Lia Block and Volume 15 of Angel Sanctuary.

That day was amazazing.

So much friendship. SO MUCH GOOD.

I hate that I'm back at school for New Year's. Classes start on the second. I have no one to spend it with... If anyone needs me I'll be in the crawlspace under the stairs with a bottle of whiskey... crying.

:: 2006 21 December :: 9.08pm
:: Mood: Weak and out of breath
:: Music: BlutEngel - Fairyland

Okay
What the FUCK is wrong with my body?
First I was sick with fever, lack of voice and sore throat.
Now I'm like... dead
I have no strength!
I am weak!
I can barely talk I'm so weak!
I can't walk across the kitchen without needing to catch my breath I'm so weak!
Grr!
When will it end?!
P.S.
Fucking exams!
This bug was poorly timed.

<3

1 more shard | break my being

4 more shards | break my being

:: 2006 20 December :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: Giggly
:: Music: Loreena McKennitt

I fucking love you Emily..
deathbyjisatsu (9:55:18 PM): Screamo Back in Black is just no good
Lucifer Ann (9:55:24 PM): Cicada bugs..
deathbyjisatsu (9:55:27 PM): ...?
Lucifer Ann (9:55:59 PM): OMFG IT'S FUCKING HUGE
Lucifer Ann (9:56:01 PM): HOLY SHITTTTT
Lucifer Ann (9:56:06 PM): OMFG DEATHHHH
deathbyjisatsu (9:56:17 PM): What the hell are you talking about?
Lucifer Ann (9:56:26 PM): CICADA KILLERS
Lucifer Ann (9:56:38 PM): THEY'RE HUGEFUCKING WASPS
Lucifer Ann (9:56:44 PM): THAT LIVE. IN THE GROUND.
deathbyjisatsu (9:57:03 PM): You fucking nut.
Lucifer Ann (9:57:09 PM): I AM NOT A NUT
Lucifer Ann (9:57:11 PM): GO HOME
deathbyjisatsu (9:57:11 PM): xD
Lucifer Ann (9:58:24 PM): IT DIGS SO QUICKLY

lmao

<3

:: 2006 18 December :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: Sleepy/Sick/Bleh
:: Music: Daft Punk - Around the World music video

My brain is so fried right now
And I'm tired.
And my stomach is being really weird right now.
And I'm sick as a dog.
And I need a shower.
And I need to brush my teeth.
And I need to finish Christmas shopping.
And I need to study for my exams and make up tests.
And I don't think I'm going to be able to make it at school tomorrow.
I'm not even sure how that's all going to work out.
I just need to sleep for the next week.
I think I'm running a fever again.
T.T
I want my Malic...
<3

:: 2006 16 December :: 3.27pm
:: Mood: death
:: Music: Adam's Myspace

~cough/hack/death~
Me: My throat feels like it has been violated with a rusty penis.

Juliano: HOORAY!!

<3

:: 2006 10 December :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Phantom Punch - Sondre Lerche

I'm taking a ride with my best friend
I hope she never lets me down again
I was at this family dinner.

Not my family, of course, but my roommate, Tanya's family.

I ate... Potatos and salad. (As I have been a vegetarian for several monthes now. Except I still eat seafood. SUSHI!)

Then there were many sweet things and tea. I love sweet things and tea. ... Why aren't I fat?

I want a bagel.

And a boy who isn't a douchebag.
And actually cares about me.
And doesn't just want to fuck me. (Like I'd give it up to you, idiot.)
God damn, I hate people.

I return home tomorrow from school.
I am excited to see my friends.
I hope everything doesn't go to shit.
I know Shawna will love me. <3
I got her Beauty Pop Vol. 2 for Christmas, which she wants soooo badly, but I want to get her another little something too.

Any ideas?!

Goodnight Woohu.<3

Edit:

Oh god.

Did I just say I "want a boy"?

I've thawed too much.
Eugh.
I sound like a dreamy 14 year-old school girl.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the freezer.

(Speaking of which, the snowman that I built and stuck in my freezer has dwindled down to almost nothing. wtf freezer.)

1 more shard | break my being

5 more shards | break my being

:: 2006 6 December :: 1.26am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: space monkey - Placebo

we're sewn together
he's born to mesmer
With Malcolm's quote of "dating you meant nothing to me", as well as shit he's said to other people and myself, I have concluded that he never cared about me and was only "with" me to try and manipulate me into letting him fuck me.

Sweet.

Not only does this make me feel like shit to mean so little to my first "boyfriend", but I'm angry at myself for not kicking him to the curb.

This does not restore my lost faith in humanity.

I'm done my classes for winter semester, except for a final on Thursday that I have not begun to study for. English Lit, ugh. I should probably go to sleep or something but I think I'll sit in bed and watch The Omen.

Today I slept until noon... Probably because I was so tired from pulling the all-nighter to write that 1800 word essay on satire of Shakespearean characters in Goodnight Desdemona (Good Morning Juliet).

I'm going to watch the Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo anime soon. That has me a little excited. And I return home on Monday. Hopefully there is love there waiting for me.

:: 2006 4 December :: 5.30am
:: Mood: dying
:: Music: Depeche Mode

I hate you, English essay.
What the fuck.

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