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:: 2005 31 July :: 3.00am

Ignore the nocturnal bitterness.
I've been getting back into some of the artsy stuff that interested me before I got to field school. It's not that it's creatively stifling to be around so many people, but when I can't be alone, I have problems uncurling my brain enough to do something new with it. Staying on the IPFW campus has been good for me. I don't have to be near so many people. I don't mind them. I even like many of them. But the fact remains the time I've had to myself, whether while working on a computer or spending a weekend or two alone, has done wonders for me. I felt kind of... bound.

But I'm starting a piece of artwork I've been wanting to do for a while now, and due to recent events I think that this character deserves a representation.

Also, some interesting questions have come up. I don't know that I want to address them in detail at this point, when I'm quite frankly a bit tired. But, here goes. The question has recently arisen that if I were a god, what would I be the god of? People often have some kind of theme to their personality. I guess mine might be obsession. For better or worse. There's no middle ground for me. Every opinion is polarized somehow. Except on the subject of caramel, which not only do I have no feelings on one way or the other... but I can't even decide how to pronounce it.

However, consider this theme carefully. The obsession theme actually puts me frighteningly close to Desire of the Endless. I don't know how I feel about that.
The problems I have with it are as follows:
First of all, it seems a little egotistical, which stops me more often than you might imagine.
Second, I don't think people are supposed to embrace the cruelty inherent in Desire. I mean, sure it's there. But there are conventions in place to prevent that from coming out. It's malicious but oddly indulgent.
Third, isn't this what I've been avoiding thinking about for a long time? I mean, I've considered it with a sort of vague pride, but I've never questioned it or cared about the consequences. I manipulate people. It's what I do. Call it charisma, attribute it to a certain affable streak. The only problem is that those things are not conscious. When I stop analyzing the most efficient combinations of words and expressions to get what I want we can change the designation to friendliness from calculated manipulation.

Sometimes I manipulate people out of indulgence. There have been people who could not be trusted with their own well-being. They wanted someone to make them feel like there was something in the world worth wanting. To tell such people the truth (as I always eventually did) was cruel, sadistic, and the only payment I asked for in the end. That final taste, that final truth. That final destruction of everything I'd built around them, leaving them honest and naked. I relished it. And there's nothing in me to persuade me it's wrong to tell people the truth out of cruelty. To enjoy their pain as they realize I've never been on their side. I've been enjoying their happiness as some bizarre form of psychological foreplay. It's not the point, but it will do for a while. Whether or not they become stronger in the end or break entirely is up to them.

I don't know whether the strong ones or the weak ones are ultimately more rewarding. The strong ones allow that nice self-righteous feeling. The one that tells you you've done exactly what you should be doing. It's a surprise that never fails to amuse... when one of them, after being pulled to the dirt and bloodied again and again, stands and defies their own weakness. In a way, it makes me want them more. The ones who break... well, all I can say is better luck next time.

There's only one question... What about love? I know that I do. But where could it possibly come from to have the strength to pass all that monstrous venom unharmed? I don't expect an answer from any of you. I'll be surprised if anything I've said sinks in. Part of me hopes it will. I hope it does because I want you to understand and because when you finally do appreciate all that I've said, the nagging uncertainties will live in your mind long after you've forgotten me.

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:: 2005 25 July :: 5.01pm

I feel like I should say something. Something about drinking alone, something about wanting to drink a white russian instead of coffee with my morning can of ravioli. Something about Raven from Teen Titans. Something about Dawn or Eve or Myrnal or one of the other RP plots I'm devising.

Something about feeling lonely... or maybe feeling like I should be lonely. I don't know if I am. I was in a room by myself for the past couple of days, and I liked it. Except for meals, I didn't see anyone if I didn't want to. I like being alone. The only reason I can be around Brian no matter what is that he's not an extra person like these people are. He's an extension of myself. The only difference between being alone and being with Brian is that instead of being the voice in my head that never lets me be lonely he's right there. Like wearing my hair down as opposed to tied back. I'm forced to recognize that it's there and why I grew it in the first place. Being around Brian forces me to remember why he's the most important figure in my life. I'm rambling. I know it. I'll stop this subject until someone wants more details and forces me to clarify. I know this makes no sense but I'm too tired from looking at numbers to tell exactly how.

There are things to say.

There are things I miss, and things I wish I could bring myself to miss. Things I wish I could care about.

I was thinking about Caleb the other day. I'm so glad he's gone. I never thought I'd be happy never to see someone again. Usually I've got some snide remark, some driving urge to have the last word, to finally win, to deliver the coup de grace... but not with him. I just want him to stay gone. I'm not bitter anymore, though I probably would be if he ever showed up. I just... don't care. The girl who loved him until her mind broke is dead. I killed her myself. If Caleb wants to visit her grave he's entitled. But he wouldn't like what he found.

I'm happy now. In a way that would never have been possible with him. The difference? Brian loves me. He loves me. And that's worth everything.

Link is having a son. A son that I'll probably never meet. I don't know how to feel about that. If I were his girlfriend, I probably wouldn't want my fiance's ex-girlfriend hanging around, so I definitely understand. It's just... he is my friend. I could never have loved him romantically, but he needed me, and he had no one else to take up his cross for a long time. No one but me. I can't help but feel like I got him away from Tara and got him to the point where he could be with someone else. I was never dating him. He never loved me. He loved me like nicotine gum. But I took care of him for a while until someone else could give him what he wanted. He was in danger because of Tara. He's still here because of me. I don't entirely approve of what he's done with his second chance, but he had it. Not everyone does. He had a chance. And now he's having a son.

So. What do I do now? Go back to my hotel room, have a drink. Watch some TV. Wait for tomorrow to come so that I can get online and continue gamemastering. I enjoy it. I feel like in the midst of all the spreadsheets and numbers and geophysical equipment I'm creating something. I hope I can live up to what I've started.

So... I don't know what else to say. Comment with questions, comments, points of clarification, whatever you wish. Don't be shy. LJ is for me to vent my weird rantings. It's also for you to see if you choose. I share the feelings that don't matter in the long run, being mere chemical fluctuations in my brain. The chemicals pass and they're irrelevant again. But for now, for the sake of thorough records... here they are.

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:: 2005 9 July :: 8.41pm

No, I haven't forgotten woohu. I've just been busy. At some point here I'll paste in a monster entry to get you all up-to-date if you like.

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:: 2005 22 June :: 6.02pm

Will Rennar: ...So you'd be running a combination cult/brothel?
Lithaladhwen: Possibly.
Lithaladhwen: Depends on the quality of my followers, really.
Will Rennar: ...This new faith intrigues me...
Lithaladhwen: We would worship the almighty Whatever High Up On The Thing.
Will Rennar: :O!
Lithaladhwen: The Whatever gives unto me amazing magical powers that are only visible to my followers after they consume the necessary ritual narcotics.
Will Rennar: Okay, that's it, I'm sold! ^_^

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:: 2005 20 June :: 12.20am

You know how in The Sixth Sense you don't notice that no one ever talks to Mr. Guy-with-an-irrelevant-name until the very end?
I want to know how he failed to notice. I used to have days in high school where I would be in a room with other people and only one of them would acknowledge anything I said or did, like she was the only one who noticed me. From time to time (like after every two hours or so, or after more than one instance in a single day) I would request that she turn to someone else, point at me and ask, "Can you see her?"
Just to make sure I'm there. Because some one of these days, I won't be. If that happens and I don't notice... well then we'll know that it's easier than it looks to forget to confirm your existence with actual evidence. And I'll laugh at myself. Because at that point I deserve to be forgotten anyway.

I think that at field school I'll be a little glad to be away from instant messenger. Sure, I'll be cut off from a source of entertainment and communication. On the other hand, I'll know that everyone I'm talking to is talking back. The reason I try to reply to IM conversations and chats so quickly is because I'm trying to stave off one major fault of instant messenger: you know damn well no one is really paying attention to you. You know they all have something more important to do. Talking to you is something they do while waiting for a page to load or a CD to finish copying.

So... every now and again ask yourself. "Can they see me?"
Maybe they can't. Maybe they haven't for a while.

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:: 2005 19 June :: 2.32pm

Because Dave told me to...
Fathers Day post about... my fathers, I suppose.
Read more..

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:: 2005 18 June :: 3.52pm

I ordered a tent a few weeks ago and I just found it. It must have been here for days, but instead of leaving it at the front door, they left it in the garden by the back door. Read: in the garden.

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:: 2005 17 June :: 5.22pm

I'm Lithaladhwen
Lithaladhwen: My mother said she just ate at a restaurant called "Massa's."
Lithaladhwen: She said the service was fantastic.
Lithaladhwen: When I asked, she said, "No. They did not call me Massa at Massa's."
CGNakibe: Heh.
CGNakibe: You had to ask, eh?
Lithaladhwen: Come on. Of course I did.

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:: 2005 5 June :: 12.31pm

Sometimes I wish I had something to talk to people about besides RP... but I guess I should be grateful that nothing is going on. What's that old Chinese curse? "May you live in interesting times."

So, while I may be very boring to the rest of you for a while, I'm content with the lack of excitement for the moment. Nothing much will happen up here this summer... nothing good. So, if I ever throw down a really long entry you'll know that something bad has happened and I've decided to be interesting again.

So. Voila. Another post.

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:: 2005 3 June :: 4.26pm

The Slippery-Slope of Same-Sex 'Marriage'

And to balance us out...
Logical Fallacy: Slippery Slope

I'm not trying to start a debate here though one would be fun, I'll not deny. I'm simply passing on an interesting connection. I can't believe the article proclaims its own key flaw so proudly, like a neon sign that says, "LOOK! We don't fully understand logical argument!"
At some point when I'm really really bored I'll go through and find as many of the formalized fallacies as I can in this article. Right now I'm just content to read it and laugh. I feel if even one person is offended by this journal post (either by the article posted or my scornful attitude), I've done my good deed for the day.

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:: 2005 3 June :: 1.56pm

Pass the damn thing. I command it.

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:: 2005 3 June :: 12.28pm

Cut tag to preserve you from angsty introspection
Read more..

The Angel

I dreamt a dream! What can it mean?
And that I was a maiden Queen
Guarded by an Angel mild:
Witless woe was ne'er beguiled!

And I wept both night and day,
And he wiped my tears away;
And I wept both day and night,
And hid from him my heart's delight.

So he took his wings, and fled;
Then the morn blushed rosy red.
I dried my tears, and armed my fears
With ten-thousand shields and spears.

Soon my Angel came again;
I was armed, he came in vain;
For the time of youth was fled,
And grey hairs were on my head.
~William Blake

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:: 2005 2 June :: 12.49pm

you are a..MODERN vampire. you are pretty much in
the middle of good and evil. you dont mind
humans, but you like going along with your
insticts as well. you show your opposite sides
at very different times. you can be kind and
merciful, but suddenly harsh and cold. you
sometimes make a game of it. are you kidding?
are you serious? one wrong step and who knows!
you love tranquill water, going with the flow.
you are pretty nutral

what kind of vampire are you?(hellsing pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2005 1 June :: 9.35pm

I'll be back in Plymouth in a little over a week.
I'm wondering who I'll see. If I'll get to introduce Brian to my arch-nemesis who really isn't as much of a threat as a nemesis ought to be. She certainly shouldn't be my nemesis anymore, but hey. Love fades. The hatred you felt for love's crack dealer will never die.

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:: 2005 29 May :: 1.05pm

I break my temporary silence to announce one thing to the world:

It has been one year since I've seen Caleb, or even heard his voice.
First of many, I hope.

Here we go! Go! Hashiri tzuzukeru...
dare ni mo tomerare wa shinai
mirai no jibun e to give a reason for life todoketai...

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