I should of posted this 2 days ago.. but... ... I don't know.

But day before yesterday, make that Friday, I was at work and decided to call Brook at work. It was 5 O'clock. That phone doesn't ring more then 4 times and it had rang five. I knew since they have caller ID there that Brook had gotten to the phone and was handing it to someone else to say he was busy so he didn't have to talk to me. Lady picked up the phone and said "sorry he's busy right now can you call back later hon?" .. I said sure. Thing is.. within that hour Brook's sister and husband walked through the door and sat down to eat again... ... I'll finish the rest later. Me and Lenka are going into town.

OoOOoo I LOVE this CD! Marilyn Manson ^^ Beautiful People is why I got it but I love all the songs now (still listening so I havent' heard them all) Wooped some dudes ass on DDR who's really good. I did Sexy Planet on light but the challage one. It was fucking hard and it drained all my energy -.-' ain't trying that one again. I'm Acein Paranoya Rebirth now ^^ awesome. Had a big crowd in there today. It was fun. Called Brook at work just a bit ago but he's busy. We met this guy today at simon's. He was Indian and funny as hell and we just talked and talked, him me and Lenka and my dad. He lived in Japan for 3 and a half years. But anyway I asked him if he knew Brook. And he's like what's his full name and I said Chabon and he said he knew Chabon and I asked what he had heard about him and he made the motion with his hand of smoking a joint and throwing it over his shoulder -___- god right infront of my dad too -_- .. but yep.. that was Brook.

Now back to my story.
His sister and Husband sat down and I went up after I got their drinks and I was like "is your name Sunshine?" and she said yeah, and I said "Brook's sister?" and she said "yea aren't you that girl he's supposed to be going out with?" and I said "yea, well he hasn't called me in 8 days so I don't know what's going on" and her eyes widened and she's like 'oohhh really?" and her husband turned to me and was like "well I'll have to have a talk with him" And I got their order and said "you need to have a talk with your little brother" lol and anyway they was laughing we all was laughing and it was pretty cool. I took off alot on their meal. Gave her some more free pudding too (I really paid for it though) and yea. Like 1 or 2 hours after they left ring riing Brook called. "Did you call? What did you want?" and I was like "yea I called " and he said "thanks to you my sister just got through comming here and bitching me out for not calling you" and I was just giggling. But .. it wasn't that great of a chat. .. . and I asked what was going on and he said he had just needed time to think and I said 'well gee thanks for letting me know' And he said that I wouldn't be able to get ahold of him anymore because he was on the streets now because he got kicked out of nathin's house. ... He said he needed time to think about things and what he was going to do next. He said yea that he wanted to be with me but he just didn't know what to do. I asked him what he meant when he said that was the second time he heard that. (when I had told him I wouldn't care until I was eighteen) and he said that Bethany had said that and he just wouldn't stand for it... wouldn't stand for it.. snob. He also said he couldn't say all this to my face because all I would say was "humm umm ahh Nnn, and not say anything" that's waht he said... I asked him what was up with him telling other people we were broken up and he jumped right into explaining so he really did say it, he said "no, what I said was I wasn't sure of if we were gonna break up or stay together"... .. and.. he said he had to go.. and I asked if he was going to call me later and he said he didn't know and I said well are you? And he said "fine! I will!" bye and hung up.. He never called.
Now YESTERDAY at work it was a slow ass day and I went in at 10 because Amanda (the new waitress) called in sick. So I pulled a ten hour shift which is more then fine with me. I was bored so I went outside and started talking to these two semi old people taking hindges off their doors ? Yea strange . We were really dead. We had no one for hours. But Yea, Teressa poped her head out the door and said my man was on the phone. So I went and he said Hi what's up and I was slow to respond thinking there was a catch for him calling. And I was like 'hiiii- what's up" and he asked "what you doing?" and I was all hyper and said "well I WAS outside talking eating some kitty chicken but now I'm on the phone" and he was like "well fine! I don't want to bother you dang can't even call and say wha'ts up" I was like damn "whatever Brook I want to talk to you" Idiot. .. but yea. He asked if we was busy and I said we was empty and he said it was slow there and he was bored out of his mind. I was like 'gee thanks call me when you're bored' And he said again "thanks to you I got my ass kicked last night" and I was like what and he said that his sister beat him up last night. He said that she told him to stop being an ass towards me. I had asked him why yesterday (which would of been FRIDAY because TODAY is saturday (not really)) he had said wouldn't stand for it and he said that it felt like he was going out with Bethany again and that.. just.. .. I just can't believe it. How could I be like HER? And I said well if you are hearing it twice shouldn't that tell you something? And he said that lastnight he had plenty of time rethinking about me being like bethany when he was getting his head pounded into the floor... ... .. but that was all he said.. time to rethink.. so I'm still left clueless. I asked him why he was out on the streets and he meant on the streets. I thought he would be staying at friends but apprently he and scott got at it or something I don't know and I think Brook just walked out of the house didn't really get kicked out and then he also said that he'd sleep under a bridge half naked before he'd ask for help. ... .. and I just.. had so much.. to bitch to him about .. I wanted to bitch him out so fucking bad.. but I didn't have any words that came to my mind. He said his main thing was getting a house. Creg is in Cali for a month and Brook can't get that one house without Creggie Mac's signature so.. Hell if I know. I thanked him for calling.. and.. .. .. he said he'd talk to me later because he was now busy and.. I said 'tonight?' and he said yea that he would call me before he got off of work.. ... he never did.

....... I'm ready to tell him if he can't give me what I want then we have to go back to being just friends if that.. and.. it's.. I want him to spend more time with me and stop talking nasty to me and just fucking.. have more respect for me and himself.. I want to change him so badly.. everyone is telling me you can't change someone you can't changed someone.. they should make MINOR changes if it makes you happy and they want you to be happy .. Teressa said that .. minor.. nothing earth shattering like I want with Brook.. ... .. I really believe a person can change.. if they want to... I guess not if someone wants them to.. I never thought of it as the other way around. If someone tried to change me.. I'd hate it. ... ... .. I just.. I now want to apologize to him.. but then I'd just lower myself to him like I always do because he's older...
..
.. I have no clue.

Well, work went fine. Charles is.. liking me more and getting more laid back with me now ^^ I'm glad cause I'm always throwing ice at him or hitting him or whatever and now when he walks by he'll hit me on the arm ^^
But yea.. Sonny walked by.. saw me and kept on going -_- he must of been mad at me. I told Charles he walked by and he ran after him and they came back and I went outside and said hi and sonny said hi and looked stoned. They went next door to smoke. .. but yea.
We was super slow so I got out at exactly 8 for a change and was even done before hand. Made like $8 lol ha we was ghostly in that place.... I work tomorrow.. No call from Brook.. does this make it day four?...

.. ... ..


I still keep the phone with me at night....

Well, school went fine. Played BlackJack again last hour. Lenka is teaching me new words everyday, I'm glad she enjoys it. I'm teaching her Japanese too. In her country they must learn English and she is also learning German. Damn. I'm glad I'm American, I guess we are all bitches and don't know it. Went to work and got in trouble because I filled a sugar shaker with salt -_- didn't mean to. The other waitress got bitched out by a custormer, I apologized to her. Work was fine. Jakeeta also got onto me about Brook. She said "what happened to my old good waitress? Now there's a boyfriend and playing cards.. " and yea.. .. mom complained about her side lastnight saying it went numb. Pat and Marlien want us to move up there to.. I'm .. minnasota? I think that's wrong I don't remember where they live but they want us to move up there. They are lifetime friends of my parents, they left me out in a trailer when I was little too close to the door during winter and I was dehighdrated and almost died.. I don't know all the details but they are cool people. Moving would be so fun! But anyway, mom is in the hospital. She probably has kidney stones. She's drugged up and being tested so dad said when he called. Tina took me home, Jakeeta's daughter. So I'm home and.. thinking of Brook.. .. he's gonna get drunk tonight I"m sure.. ... Mattie is out on a date with Jose right now.. they went to the moives.. that.. is so.. unfair. Damnit that ain't fair. Her MOM dropped her off at his house! He's 21 and she is a year younger then me! ... it pisses me off.
I cleaned the house when I got home for my mom.. but yea.. I guess.. I'll get off and wait for a call.. I don't want to call him.. everyone .. is in a bad mood at me now lol.. but.. Why do I always get fed up with Brook then make excuses for him? I can do sooo much better.. .. Mattie said that today.. then she saw my expression and said softly "you.. really like him don't you?" ... ::sigh::.. .. .. do I?

Well, when I was talking to him on the phone that one night/morning I caught a cold -_- I have a runny/stuffy nose, just a bit though. And also that same night he was telling me .. about how he killed people and how he was just worried about if they had family and then he said he was the man if you needed ANY drug at all, all kinds. He said he could find them no matter what and this and that and it was crazy. I didn't hear from him at all yesterday and I took Lenka into town with me and she loves DDR! Sucks ass at it but loves it. That and her and candy man damn she loooves candy. We went to Taco Bell and just talk talk talk. She is really cool. Real focused in school but laid back afterwards. It was fun. I have some of her CD's and she has like 11 of mine ^^',\ She likes Breaking Benjamin, she really likes; however, Enigma.
... School went fine TODAY. At work I played cards with mom who her and dad came to eat and yea.. I was just workin and we got in a few more people like.. probably 8 or so and phone rang and I was just wondering if Brook would call and it was him saying he was going next door so he'd stop by. Probably an hour later he walks in. I'm glad it took that long though since we was busy and not too too busy when he got there. But yea.
It was soo good to see him. Sat next to him after showing every one the class ring I'm getting that's 300$ everyone was giving me an extra dollar lol tip that was funny/cool. But yea and Brook said it was cool fine whatever he didn't care lol meanie. But yea, first thing out of his mouth was " I can't have a kiss?" cause I pulled away and I said nope lol but when I was next to him and scratching the back of his neck he got close and I went to peck him and was really feeling it and the jerk pulled away and said "ahhh don't think so" >:| Oo did that piss me off lol I deserved it though.
He stayed for about an hour and a half -_- boy did I get in trouble for it too. One of the customers must of squealed on me ¬_¬ But anyway, it was all fine and cool and just talking and chillin and me working and running around and .. then .. I got serious and.. said "have you noticed how I make time for you" and he said he tries and I was like, he took that wrong and I said again "I make time for you" his expression changed and I went on "the phone, now at work, whenever" and he slowly nodded and wasn't looking at me and said softly 'yeah' and I said "I'm not complaining!" lol XD oops dang everything comes out wrong! Sounded like I was complaining.. so I said "do you still want me" and he nodded, "only me?" nod "just want me to be there, everything?" and he nodded and I said "then I'ved decided that I won't care untill I'm 18. I won't take anything serious untill then" and He just looked at me and I was like he took it wrong again and I said "I mean if you want to now then yea but well you know" guess not xD oops. .. but .. I told him that I just wanted to be there for him.. and have him be mine.. keep him in a cage and be just for me .. and .. his expression was in.. like he was really thinking.. and.. I finnaly got it out of him. He said that Bethany had said the same thing.. turns out eveything I say she has already beaten me to it.. and I told him that I couldn't imagine her saying such things.. I know for a fact she wouldn't say it now at the point in her life that's she's at. .. and he looked so hurt and lost.. I told him that I just.. how he felt I felt I couldn't do anything. I told him then that I just wanted to hold him and I couldn't.. .. and.. he said "it's just Bethany said the same thing and it's just now I'm hearing it twice" and when he said the word twice, his gaze was away and his voice cracked... He's been hurt.. I don't know how that mind works that's his. He was supposed to go to Scott's and they ware supposed to be going to the Cage tonight (that all ages bar open band place) and .. he said he was supposed to leave at 7 and it was like 7:30 and he said he didn't want to go but had to.. but .. yea.. .. He was completely zoned out.. after all I said.. and.. I followed him outside and.. he just.. was ready to go and think by himself.. probably smoke since I got him all worked up in his head.. and.. I just.. went to hug him and just.. he was just standing there and it was all me and I knew it would be that way but I hugged him and his arms went around me loosely ... it felt different.. like he meant it but was holding back.. I just wanted to feel him against me again.. damn.. I was so nervious when he called, I told him I got nervious. He asked why and I said I didn't know that he felt like a stranger now.. and.. I .. it's just crazy.
Was playing black jack at school and speed and just slacking off.. damn I work all week.. damn.... I want to see him again. He said Sunday's mine.. he gets off at 9 pm .. I get off at 2. I might just chill at Teressa's after work untill 9 and pick him up but I don't see why he would want to come with me right after work.. but yea.. I have a plan for that day.. but I have to study for a vocab test and I have government homework since I slept in that class..

... ... .. Lenka is cool. First words out of her mouth is 'DDR!' Lol with her accent. It's cool.

Japanese is easier to say then Slovakien (can't spell)

I am soo tired! Brook called me.. yesterday around.. Hell I don't know it was I guess around 2 or 3 when he called me back when he was at Scott's but anyway he was piss ass drunk and I could hear porno in the background and it was disgusting. He tried covering up the phone and talking it up with his guys about me but I could hear.. and it made me so angry and sad and.. I hung up. He said that I was there and he wouldn't deny me and this and that and could get it just like that and just aweful things. And.. then he called me back and apologized but said he was a different person around everyone and said he just said that at the moment because that was what that guy wanted to hear. He said that he hates it how they think of me but he says he doesn't like to cause trouble and likes to be cool to everyone.. even if he has to put on an act.. .. I can't believe it. .. I just.. there is so much to him.. it's a game to him you think? But we talked and talked about how I was just puttin heat on him and just.. why was it and he said he can't see it happening between us but he loves me so damn much and (that's his exact words) and just .. damn.. alot was said last night.. and I told him I wanted to stay with him and.. he says I just can't change him and just.. damn.. it was disgusting how he was with his friends.. ... he cried again.. and.. just damn.. and.. he just talked and talked.. and.. I said I didn't care about him drinking I just didn't like how he was when he did it.. same with smoking.. I called Brook Jon's name a couple of times.. a bit I caught myself before hand but Brook didn't catch anything. .. and.. i just don't know.. he went home and called me and.. just.. is so different with me then he is with ANYONE else and.. it's just soo soo fustrating because he was really really really pissed off at me because i sounded like i just hated everything about him and wanted to call it all quits.. and.. I just.. I just can't explain it well enough for you all to understand. .. but.. I didn't go to sleep .. I haven't yet.. been awake all day.. well not really since I was passed out at school.. I mean I blacked out and woke back up an hour later at a time. I think I gained like 4 hours of sleep at school -_- stupid.. brook song to me this morning as i was getting ready for school and.. it's just.. so.. crazy. I told him i didn't care that we would make it work. And he, when we first was talking, said that how can it work when I'm not of age and just.. I found out why he can't get his drivers lisense.. because he has too many D.U.I. tickets.. and its' just.. that hurt that he hadn't told me that.. and that same night while I was babysitting Kylee I was talking with Jon while I was over there on the phone and asked him what he knew about Brook. He told me that he knew that his real father owned a hariley shop and he got money from him and when hismother passed away he got money from that so everybody calls him the prince because he gets money from who knows where.. and .. Brook never told me he got money from his father.. .. I just.. and then Brook says he's bout to beat up jon because jon said he's been selling .10 cent beer to underage kids when brook said he hadn't and just a whole lotta shit. but he was drunk so.. you can't .. really let everything matter but when you're sober and take everything to heart.. it's hard no to file what goes on... Jessie came over to Brook's and crashed in his room and i had to go pee and when i came back brook was talking to someone so I just listened. And he said to the person if i had had a kid that he would stay with me and take care of it even if we had a fight he would still go see his kid and.. I think they was talking about nathin..but it got me thinking about children.. .. and brook.. I don't know.. i wasn't expecting all of it.. i mean we was really pissed then went to laughs.. and it's just.. crazy.
After work today I went by gasmart with dad and... saw brook who didn't.. seem wo who to see me.. .. but.. was surprised i could tell.. he looked .. depressed.. like always.. like me.. put on a smile.. i can see through it cause it' sjust like mine.. .. but yeah. he said he's going to the cage tonight.. and i found out through jon that it's all age's now.. so even i could go.. why hasn't brook told me this? Yea.. but.. it's .. god.. my stomach is killing me.. so is my poor bitten tongue. damn it's so swollen.. i can't eat.. i've lost 5 lbs and haven't eatten one full meal in like 4 days.. i'm hungry but i'm not because i know once i eat.. it'll hurt my stomach..
But yeah i'm tired as fuck and just now cause of today got back on my homework, back as in ... ah.. shit we have a test tomorrow.. dang i'm confused about everything. Jon is too awesome to talk to and i just don't know what to do with brook. it's up and down with him and i and it's driving me mad and now for bed..
I'm getting a class ring too btw.

Hey. Well, Brook is pissing me off... I mean.. he said he'll still make a day for me but.. I just don't know. After work today I went to Teressa's with Jon and he went home and brought back some Mike's Lime shit again and I only could have one and then he got a joint and her step son who is 10 was forced outside and I was inside getting high -_- off second hand smoke. ... Later I called Brook and I said that I might stay till 9 (when he was supposed to get off work) and he said well fine whatever because he wouldn't get out till later because they got busy and that after work Jose was getting him and they was gonna go drink. I said "you've been bitching about me being too far away and you missing me and when I am in this town you won't come see me!?" I was PISSED. He said 'welll..' and Man he pissed me off. But yep. He said he wouldn't get off till 10:30 so whatever. Got home at like 9 something from there. .. After playing cards for awhile Jon and I walked up to Beeson's to get some eyedrops (he kinda gave me a piggy back ride half way) and .. he got a drink and we sat down to talk. We both don't know what the fuck we are doing. He said he is in a real bad posistion. It looks way bad on him. ... and.. .. I touched his face (we were sitting across from each other) and he started touching my arms and then I laid my head down on the table and he put his hand down the back of my shirt and it felt so good. I must of been missing Brook's touch (making excuses right?) .. but.. yea.. an hour would pass... and it went futher then that.. he sat next to me.. and .. well.. .. damn.. I just don't know.. he stoped when I said to and then.. he is just.. a really good guy. I mean he was grinding me and stopped when I wanted him to.. .. like I said it went further then that but no sex and no head so use your imagination but not too much. That was like around 7-8 o'clock. Walked back to Teressa's and whatever. When Jon was leaving around 9 I wanted to talk to him but just was drawing a blank and he waited for me.. he didn't rush me to talk even though standing outside next to a main main road in that town looked awefully bad... .. damn.. he's 24 and I'm 16.. 17 almost but not quite.. I missed church by the way too.. damnit.. I .. when Brook and I finnaly get to talk.. I just.. have to tell him I can't wait no more.. I just can't.
When Jon and I was talking.. he said that I have way too much going for me and he can't believe I'm 16 because my mind set is that of a women's.. or some shit but he said he just doesn't have time for commitment and neither do I.. and.. when I think about it.. ... I don't see how it fits in.. and how things have been.. they haven't been.. .. and.. .. ... I talk about Brook to Jon all the time.. I dont' tell him all I tell in here.. .. but... Jon knows that if I never wanted to do that touchy touchy shit again he said he understood but he wants to be my stress reliever -.-' ... .. he is.. so .. kind to me.. .. .. I love talking with him.. he said he feels like I really listen to him.. that's why he still talks to me he says... ... ...
... .. Jon said just to let what happened go.. not to beat myself up for it.. or I could beat myself up .. he is cool..
Damn learned a new card game.. it's called Speed.. tight game.. but yea it's fucking what one o'clock and I get up at 6:50?

.. .. .. I felt.. so strange.. being with another man that way Brook and I had been.. Jon is so different from Brook .. I'm always compairing them two aloud.. Poor Jon.. I've been such an ass to him.. .... ..
They are much different.. I like something in both of them that the other doesn't have... .... ... it's not fair.. to either one.. Well Jon doesn't care but Brook.. and what about myself? ... ..

.. ....

... Alot has happened. Damn, I can just, I run through the things I want to write in here in my head and plan to update each night but it just never happens. I'm never on the computer anymore... Doesn't really bother me though.. a bit .. but no one comments anymore anyway.
... Thrusday night I started talking on the phone with Jonathin because a couple days eariler he said we really needed to talk and it was going to be about us. So.. we started to talk.. about what we were doing. .. I found out he really likes me. He doesn't want strings attached but he likes me. My heart was pounding I couldn't believe all he was saying. He said that sometimes he just wants to hold me. And he was being so sweet. He is a good friend a really good friend. And there was more and he said that he really didn't care about the age difference at first but then when he really got to think about he said we had to come to a decision. That we needed to cool it and if we hang out with each other it'd have to be with a group of other people so it wouldn't look bad and then he said that or either just stop talking and it'd be a relationship at work and only at work. And.. I didn't want any of those. And it's just he said there is an attraction between us and he's right. And I agreed. And he just.. loves how I think about things and how I'm all set for my education and.. I told him that I get what I don't get from Brook from him and what I dont' get from him from Brook. He said 'so it's just the coversations?' and I was like .. yea. And I said I was honest that I did want to like hug him but I haven't. I mean there is just times I want to just reach out and touch him. (Ok rewind. Tuesday after work I and Jon went over to Teresa's,who lives just down the street, remember the adult/dishwasher? And we bought some drinks and I got Mike's Hard Lime, that shit is GOOD. Anyway it was Me, Jon, Teresa and her husband. We played Drunk Driver. That is a fun game. But anyway for those of you who know how to play the game, I lost. And when you loose for those of you who don't know how the game goes for every face card you get you have to take a certin amout of drinks. I got every frickin facecard you could get. But since I had to leave in like 30minutes I didn't have to drink all I was supposed to XD ha ha . And They was passing a joint around and they passed it to Jon and Jon was next to me and he passed it right over me back to Teresa, didn't even ask me if I wanted some. I was so happy. I told him that I really appreciated that. He said no problem. ^^',\ everyone said I was stoned though when I left XD second hand smoke.. Yea.. dad picked me up.. I woudl'nt shut up so I think he might of suspected something.. I had one and like a 3rd of mike's hard lime.. but yea..) I said I really want to keep him as a friend and he said yea of course and I was like a f.r.i.e.n.d. and he's like I want a friend with sex. And.. he's not gonna you know ask fro it but he's just thinking I"m feeling the same way.. and he says it's a need. And the closest he's ever come to cheating on a gril was what he did with me. Big Shock. But then I said ok wait and listen to him (back on the phone) and said that I wanted him as a friend and no sex because I said even if I did do it with him then I'd regret it right after.. and I said that it was just a game at first and he said he knew that and he said our feelings just grew and I said that I really loved talking to him, that I loved Brook and I loved him but that there was many forms of love.. and I told him that I wouldn't let things get far between us and I can't really remember everything.. and he was just so quite and.. he said 'well damn you're breaking my heart here' ... and the way he said it.. I truly believed him.. He wants to make me feel good and be happy so badly. And he said that and some other stuff and how he said since I think weed is bad why is it bad and he said that the ones who smoke it all day long and do nothing make it look bad for the others who do it and work hard like him. And .. I just felt so bad and there was so so much more we talked about. And I said 'well damn now you are breaking my heart' and so.. I was like.. waht was the point of this talk? And he didn't know. We didn't solve anything. We both know now we want each other as friends but he wants one with benefits and .. I don't. I told him he's really a good guy and.. just I mean it was amazing. We even talked about Brook. Well when we did get off the phone it was because Brook had left a message and I wanted to call him back since I was the one who had asked him to call.. so he said alright night.. and I said goodnight.. and I was just in a deep mood. Call Brook at Scott's like he told me to and they said he had left home and was drunk and I asked them to call him and tell him to call me. So he did and the phone rang and.. there was brook. it was like 11 something.
We got to talking.. about.. alot of stuff. About ... well I was listening and he said he felt like he had lost me and missed me really missed me and I was on his mind all the time and.. that I was his truely his first love and.. alot of stuff and I was just crying and he said sorry and I said this was how I felt. That I was crying. He said he was sorry for yelling before that long time ago because he was really stressed over a lot of bull that people where expecting from him. Like these girls got into some trouble and wanted him to go beat up some guys and just alot of shit. And he went to Dallas to record a demo CD for that band and ... he's a back up singer now. He said that I made him be able to sing in public. And he was just doing alot of talking.. and then he finnaly told me that all that time before he was getting drunk. Because I told him about drinking Tuesday and he said he wished he was there and I wouldn't tell him who I was with and I told him in detail what I did and he said ok ok and I said ok ok my ass I'm telling you in detail you should appreicate it since you dont' do that to me and he sighed and just from like last week up till that night he just went on about what he did and all he had. And he had alot of drinks.. just he's an alcoholic and he called himself one. The phone started to die so I told him I'd take a shower and call him back. I sounded pissed off because I just couldn't believe what he just told me. All those nights he was getting drunk and high. When he said he hadn't smoked in 2 weeks.. .. asshole. So he's like 'what you mad at me now? Because I told you that' and I said no and he said oh well then why? and I told him 'because while you were out getting drunk, i was home crying... thinking of you' that's what I said and then I said I'd call him back and he better not drink or smoke and he said fine and I got in the shower and let the phone recharge and got out of the shower and mom said she thought brook called because the phone rang twice and I was worried because he should of just waited till I called him back and so I start 69nd it and he picked up and said he was going over to scott's because they just listened to our whole conversation and was pissed off and wanted to talk to me. So he said he was going over there to settle things so to call him there or he'd call me when he got there. (before that while we was on the phone some guy kept knocking on the door and it was pissing brook off so he said if it was this guy that he said he was gonig to beat up that that guy was gonna get it. He put the phone down on the couch and went to the door dispite my pleas for him to stay and when he did come back to the phone, minutes later, he was panting up a storm. Brook decked the guy and he was laying out in the front yard. I heard yelling and brook said creg go get my gun and just alot of shit and then he went outside and said so i guess autum to get that fool up off his lawn and I hung up on Brook. I just didn' want to hear it. I just cou'dnt take it. He called back and said he was sorry ... I told him to calm fucking down and knock knock the door had someone knocking on it. And Brook was growling. I told him he better not get up off that couch. So he didn't. Knock knock knock. On and on and I told him no. So he stayed. And it kept on and he said 'oh just knock one more goddamn time and OH!' and I was like stop it and knock knock and then he said 'oh it's creg, he's the only one that knocks like that' and it was creg and I could hear one the phone someone telling brook to get his stuff that they was gonna go beat the hell out of this guy and Brook said 'No, what did I tell you!? Did I not tell you to put him in that car and let him leave?' and the guy tried to say something and Brook was like 'NO, Did I not tell you to let him go?!?" And he said that he was just not in the mood that he was just tried of it. Tired of people depending on him foreverything, wanting him to fix all their problems. And they said ok, andBrook said sorry and they left and.. I was just.. blah.. I mean .. damn he just beat that guy up .. was bout to kill him..?)
So he called me back and passed the phone around to the guys who bitched at me -_- saying that they didn't say that brook left drunk, but they were really polite about it, I was suprised. I heard them say it. They said they didn't. So they said whatever and Brook said see do you get my point here? Dont be disrespecting the house over here. !!!! wtf right? BOY did he piss me off. They said they didn't care who the hell I was and Brook said.. .. well in other words brook believed them over me. But after that conversation we had and they all heard it the only thing they had to say about it was that they didn't say he was drunk? bit strange if you ask me. I mean.. really strange. But Brook said he was walking back home that he'd takl to me then and its what now 3-4 o'clock?)
Got inside and mom was up. She said waht the hell was going on and I said why dont' you pick up the phone when brook calls me back and find out? So I hooked up the other phone so I could listen to what brook was saying and when it rang mom picked up too late and brook called back and we both had it and mom said hello and so did brook and mom was like why are you calling so late? and he said that I told him to call and that he hadn't been able to get ahold of me because he was recording in dallas and mom was like oh really and mom covered up the phone and said to me 'do you want to talk to him?' XD stupid ass! Lmao she was all pissed but when she talked to him it was totally different. I sadi no and mom asked him to call back in 2 minutes XD stuipd ass ha ha . we hung up and I was like 'MOM! you are NO help!' and she was like 'well what was I supposed to say?' lmao i was like 'well you could of said what the hell are you doing calling so fucking late. My daughter came in here pissed off and what happened? what the fuck is going on?' shit like that lmao and she said 'wellll' and so I just called him back and told him that i was on the phone with moma nd blah blah it was cool. So we started takling again and the phone went to dieing so I hooked up the one in the kitchen and mom was still awake andwe just started talking about the past and the haunted wakl and stuff and then he told me.. that he'd finnaly tell me. I don't remember what I said to piss him of and tell me but he said that fine (we were outside then i mean i was with the phone) that I didn't have to hear it from someone else anymore that he'd tell me. He said 'I'm a prince' and i was just all blank faced xD ha ha he said he was a prince and his mom didn't tell him till 3 days before she died and he was supposed to be married when he was 18 but didn't want to and that is other brothers was evil and just live in different towns around here in OK and I was just.. listening.. and Brook I dont know it was strange. And i was back inside on the kitchen floor and I said there was more he wasn't telling me and he said he killed 10 people, cold blood in the head. That they asked him if he believed in god right before he killed them and he turned around and asked them the same question and that hsi brothers were evil and he used to be evil but stoped and got tired of it and he said after i asked him when i could meet them he said it'd be hard because there was no baby pictures of them all together and he said 'see this is why bethany and i didn't last 'or something she didn't believe him or wahtever and I said he's gonna have to start proveing himself to me. And he said that his brothers pretended they were him and tired to mess things up between him and bethany and that scott and them didn't want him with a white girl and just a bunch of shit. And I was like I told him I believed everythign he had said but he's just gonna have to start proveing shit. He said that the first night of the haunted walk it wasn't him it was his brother jeremy and that the day over at kelli and chris's (when i played tekken tag) that it was jeremy too.. out of the blue he also said that he was in a pentatentury too. In a room having people touch you he said he didn't like that. and .. I'm just thinking. Damn he's crazy he's been locked up in a room and now is telling me this huge story. I mean he could really believe all of this was true or it in turn could be true.. but I have no clue. It's just.. too crazy.. but possible? If those guys hacked the phone I wonder if they are reading this? I thought about not typing in this anymore but oh well. Saying he's into black magic, has killed people, used to be evil, is a prince.. ? Hello? Yea. Even if he does have in real life 4 brothers.. what his mom might of said might of been the drugs she was on. I dont' know its' ... weird. But yea.. it was crazy.
We just talked about the past and how much we've been through together all ready and when i was back in my room on my bed i asked him if he could have 3 wishes what would they be and just without hesitating he said, to love you, marry you, have kids. and I was just ..pause... that was an unexpected answer lol xD ? Damn. I didn't believe him lol I told him my 3 wishes and he said that they used to be his too.
Crazy. It was just a mess of feelings. .. it was crazy. Then (mom was already asleep) it was like 6 o'clock now and we just started to talk.. and we worked each other up? Lol it was bad. We was tired and now we was talking nasty somewhat >.>' But yea.. but the phone started to die so I just said there was no way I was going in the kitchen so goodnight lol and so yep. woke up at 8:30 and was late for school. Everyone thought i was stoned and the teachers all pulled me aside and asked if anything was wrong ^^',\\ oops xD SOO i walked home for lunch and talked to brook on the phone and mom and dad went in town to go get a new fan since the one we bought didn't work and so they was gone and I stillw as on the phone and lunch is over at 12:35 and I was late for school again XD i didn't get back till like 1 XD Now they really think I'm on drugs. Bad thing about that was that I had to work that day too and I was going on what 2 hours and 30 minutes of sleep? Work was fine and I called Jon lastnight (at work, night i'm talking about) and he asked why I was calling and I said i didn't know. .. I told him things between us would have to stay just.. friends and .. i dont' even know what I was saying.. he said 'so things between you adn brook are going good?' and I said 'yeeea' like an unsure yeah .. and he said 'so he's treating you right? Doing ya right N all?' and I was like 'yeeea' and then it clicked he meant sex and I was like 'yeah.. JON!' lol it was cool. He's cool. When I talked to him that same night I had with Brook .. .. he asked me what was holding me back... from being with him. He said that if I was a virgin he'd understand but I said that I wasn't and it just bewildered him... .. I don't know. it's just.. something. I dont' know what it is. Jon is an awesome guy though. He said we can't have a friendship without having those sexual feelings there.. and i said it was that way for him but not me.. I don't know. all confusing but jon is an awesome guy.
Just got off the phone with brook an hour ago now lol it's 4:08. I'm supposed to call him now. Damn I've typed for an hour now... but.. he got drunk last night and tehre was more to it because he said he'd come over this morning before work if he could find a ride but i said not drunk or high and he said then maybe they should wait till my parents cool off and i told him the more he waits the more they are gonna think that but .. .. yea.. then he also said somehting (he was still buzzing pretty well) that along time ago he got drunk and crashed out on the couch and that laura went in there and when he woke up they said 'you got raped' and he sai dwhat:? and they asi dthat he either got raped or enjoyed the ride. That him and Laura or whatever.. And Brook said he couldn't remember.. but I"m just wondering why all of a sudden he's telling me this? There's more then one side of brook that I dont' know..
Zach let me borrow his DVD GunGrave and its' pretty good. Has a nice story line to it.. the art is nice too not to mention the cute guysies ^^
Brook giggles when he's called cute.. its' cute when he giggles..
.. but.. I just.. dont' know what to do with him.. .. I really just don't..

... I mean i'm bipolar about this .. I feel one way one day and the othe way an hour later and it flips all the time.. ..

... ... there's much much more.. .. but yea..

Well, my ears are doing fine and I'm getting them pierced in the morning two more times before I have to go to work at 12. Sonny and Laura quit today. I got in a fight with them yesterday.. well ok almost. Laura was about to beat my ass lol but I wasn't backing down. Sonny cused me out WHILE I was on the phone with MY MOTHER. Idiot. So Jakeeta said "you either do it my way or you quit." They quit. So me and Jon worked tonight.. he was touching me and .. I let him and just gave him looks.. I was well pushing on him like usual. But before we left (which was at 9:30! And I only made $16) I told him "no more games between us Jon, ok?" and just no hesitation he said "yeah, alright" and I mean he was serious and then he told me "just don't ag me on" n.n; So.. then he said "man I was going to give you my new number tonight too, damnit" and I asked him for it and he asked why but I have it now. ...

Last night I called Brook's work after he had called me at work and I was home and I told him he needed to get his shit straight and he said alright, like he already knew. He apologized for that night he was.. yelling at me sort-of (he called it yelling, guess it really was) He was at work and was cleaning up right at the end and he said that I'm just confusing and he's confusing and that's why no one has stayed with him and he said he has short term memory and all kinds of medical problems and he said if I want to keep the relationship alive then.. and I was like whoa. He thought I was going to break up with him I think. And.. I was thinking of it. .. but I just can't bring myself to. I don't know why. I'm holding onto something but I don't know if I should, it's dark and I can't see what I'm holding onto.... I got him thinking again on that phone (this is still yesterday) and so he said he'd call me when he got off so I got off the phone and wasn't expecting a call for atleast another 30 minutes so I washed my face and was bout to do my homework when he called. He said that I got him thinking and he needed to know something.. I can't remember what it was but I told him that I had started writing questions and answering them. He wanted me to read him the questions but not the answers. So I did. Do you like him? How? Was it enough to say I love you? What do you want from him? What are you concerned/dislike about him? What do you know about him? What do you expect from him? What do you expect from youself? Those are the questions I've come up with. I only asked him up to What do you know about him... He said that it was good that I was thinking about those questions because he already had. ... He told me to walk home today and call him during lunch since the pay phone outside doesn't work... so today I walked home and he wasn't at home, not at Scott's, not at Creg's and not at work. He told me he had been in DDRtown at a bar where he wants to get a job at. I don't want him to get a job at a bar. I'm against it.. have I told him that? No.... Today he called up at Beeson's and wanted to talk to Jon, the only words out of his mouth was can I talk to Jon. Is he busy? Tell him this. No hi or nothing. Then well I'll talk to ya'll later bye. .. I was so.. angry.. sad.. felt so small.. like a speck. Jon didn't know what Brook was talking about. After I got my work done I was on the phone and called brook at work. He was busy, so I said 'what no hi?' and he said hi, but had to go... I asked if he wanted me to call when I got home but he said "why, there is no point". He said he wouldn't be there, he'd be in DDRtown trying to get that job after he stopped off at scott's... we haven't said I love you in a long time now...

I.. I don't know my feelings. I mean one minute it's like just brush everything off it's him you like and then it's like why does he do the things he does and.. on the phone I said "when I need you aren't you supposed to be there? where have you been?" and he said it's hard because I work and he works and I'm in a different town and he said he can't get a lisense because of his health or something and this and that and I ... yea..

Anyway, it's late and I have to get up at 8 so I can get ready for 9 and get at the mall when things open at 10 and get my ears pierced and go to work... ...

Brook always tells me things last minute.. but they aren't late minute to him.. he just really does go with the flow. Something comes up, do it.


.... .. I want to.. be with him... no matter what, have each other. He has his thing, his job and now he's going back to school through using a computer and I have school and work... ... .. I just.. don't know.. love.. what is it?

Well, they said they'd have a head count at the school by this morning.. but I don't know because when I got home parents weren't here. Mom said something about buying a new washing machine, but it doesn't take all of a day to do that so I'm guessing there at the casino in the hour away town.

I kinda don't want to leave.. I mean I do but... I just fit into this little town. I really do. And the new teachers.. they just seem so cool and relaxed.. I'm really interested in their methods of teaching. The Biology teacher Mr. Osborne is fricking awesome. He is like me. Always thinking there is another way and never is set on one thing being the solution. Like how we were created. The Big Bang, God, Evolution, shit like that. No one knows. He is cool. Our first assignment was yesterday and I got it back today and guess what my first grade was? 24/20. Extra Credit baby. He is awesome. I always joke around in my answers and stuff and there was this one question that said name ways a man would figure out if something was alive. And I put "poke it with a stick and watch if it moves" ^^ hee hee And then I wrote some sience themes and stuff for it but he is really cool. He said if you have an opinion and express it well then he'll give you credit for it. And I do that shit all the time. It's awesome.. and then the US History teacher.. I really read the damn assignment and I am like a main person in the class that actually knows what she's talking about! It's great! I've gotten all my homework done! That's even better! Algebra 2 and Geometry and US History and Government and I got my other stuff done in class. I'm really just set on getting my work done.. .. I just.. I want to stay here... but I don't. I'll get away with alot of more stuff here.. not a really strict dress code.. just.. alot of ... stuff is well it's just a more relaxed enviroment.. but I want to go to Cache for different classes... ... to see Brook.. and so I can work more.. .. Once again I've been stupid and childish.. is there no end to me .. feeling so small and stupid?

I take a deep breath and think of things.. .

I need a car.

Today has been one Looong ass day.
Ok lets start it out likes this. I called Scott's at 1:30 and still no one picked up so I just went to sleep. I think it was around 2:40 I was woken up by the phone ringing but when I picked it up no one was there. I knew it had been Brook. So I star 69nd it. Being the loud ass I am I went out in the back to talk to him.. right off he asked me what I meant to him. That I put him on the spot all the time and there was no way I was going to get out of answering this question. I was reluctant to answer on the phone, I told him he would have to read what I wrote before I could give him my answer, he wouldn't buy it. So he was like A-you don't like me B-you really like me C- you love me or D- none of the above and.. he was leaning towards C... I said that I really liked him and just .. explained it best I could. He said that.. I'm not like anyone else, he's never been thinking about a serious relationship. He said that when He and Creg move in together that there is one more room, for me if I want it... I mean damn. It was.. like deep. I mean deep. I can't remember he said fuck he just wanted to see me fuck fuck and so he said that he was comming, he'd walk if he had to. He's jack someone's bike and be there in 20. I was like yea right lol I mean I was feeling like he was feeling when i took the truck I guess. He said it was really his turn anyway right? I was like Broook lol and I never said no or yes to him. And that asshole said he was comming I asked why? And he said he'd give me a reason when he got there. It's 3 o'clock in the morning people, he hung up on me and I was nervous as hell. Went back inside to change into some bottem's and a tee and sweatshirt since I was shivering outside in shorts and a tank, no socks. Dad got up and got on the computer, I took Gman and went outside (german shep. 85lbs) Man it was 3:33 last time I went inside and checked the time, went back outside, sat on the feeder, saw through the ally that down the street at anton's house some car drove up by it and then drove off and I thought it could be brook and low and behold like 3 minutes later I see a cigerate glow and a tall dude and it was brook lol. He jumped the fence and.. came to me. I was just cracking up ha ha. Damn. He just.. started to kiss and said I don't know I said something and he's like 'oh you want to be embarrased?' and started to stick his hands down my pj bottem's and I pulled but he kept on and then I said stop and he finnaly got that I meant it and stoped. Then started it back up a bit later. He said he was sober on the phone, I thought he wasn't since he was really talking to me. I smelt alcohol on his breath. He said he had two tall boys.. later he said he had a 16-pac... ... exactly. His hand was in my pants and damn he was just fucking horny man. He was begging me.. I was.. just completly melting when he said 'please' and over and over please please please please please. I knew what he wanted.. he was bout to fucking fuck me against our tree -.-' g-man was in the yard watching us lmao damn. ... ... time passed and I gave in saying lets go to the surburbine, I had asked him if he had a condom, he said yes since I asked him to carry one -.-' We went to the back and it was open, oh yea, and... we talked.. and... he said I take my paernts for granit and.. he took his mom for that too and missed her when she left and.. he had me in almost tears.. then I saw him wipe his eyes... and then I found out he was crying.. so I let some slide.. and he hugged me and apologized for getting me all teary eyed.. he said his tears were proof of how he felt about his life right now. ... He really is thinking of quiting.. it's just... it was off and on for us.. talk, hump, talk, hump lol we was just torturing each other. I told him once we started something I knew someone was gonna come out and look for me... but they hadn't yet (oh general had gotten out and we had to go put him up lol) so .. I said roll it on lmao and i took my shoes off and I was bout to ride him again and I told him it'd be the other way around next time. He couldn't get the condom on xD first he couldn't get it open then He didn't know how to put it on lmao I was cracking up at him! He was sooo fustrated lmao we was laying on jumper cables, rope and bags of old clothes to give to the goodwill lol but yea he kept saying is it on? yes it is no it's not FUCK lmao god it was soo funny. He finnaly got it on and i was over him and i saw the backlight on. Someone was looking for me lmao I told him! Ha ha so he had to zip it and I had to get my shoes on and went there mom came outt he front dad was in bed mom asked what i was doing asked if brook was outside i said yea and he smells like fucking alcohol and just god lol so i was telling brook he'd have go to inside and talk to them and yada yada we stayed outside and it was sunrise now and 6 o'clock and I'm all weird when i'm tired and he said i was acting more drunk then him and lol he kept saying he wanted to see me drunk. (oh and in the car he said he had the vision that my parents would die.. i mean who wants to hear that?) We went inside and .. mom didn't say nothing to him.. I mean she was just.. like normal.. they really like him.. went to my room and I let him read that shit I typed.. I'll post it:

I realize I've used you. All this time I just wanted to help you. When I said I wanted to be with you, I meant be there for you, when you asked me to be your girlfriend, I knew to say no but I wanted your kiss, your touch so I said yes. I let my lust for you get in the way of trying to help you. I kept on wanting and wanting to tell you I've felt like I've been using you.. the words just never came, I pushed them aside for another time just so we could kiss. I've been wrong, I'm sorry. I've really screwed up. I have feelings for you but I fear that it's just a lust for your body.. It's hard for me to say this.. all of this.. admit it.. but.. what if I had gotten pregnant? You could of gone to jail and how could that be helping you? All this getting drunk and being stoned.. I don't want to be around you when you are like that. I hope you don't hate me now. I do have feelings for you.. it's just hard to explain how they are. I really want to help you but you don't want to be helped..or do you? I won't deny that I don't want your touch... but.. your day to day life gets in the way. I don't know if I'll ever fit into it. I thought you needed someone to talk to, to be with, to hold you, touch you. I thought you were using me as that.. maybe you were.. I just wanted to help.. I kept letting it go further and further.. It has been me using you because I haven't admitted my feelings for you. I do like you.. really like you.. it's just.. at a stand still untill you can clean yourself up.. at least when you are with me. I'm sorry I have to put my foot down and finnaly say all this.. I've been told since we did have sex that you'd be expecting it from now on, a guy is a guy they say.. I say they are wrong. That you're not like that.. but that lust between us will still be there... and if I ever am around you.. when you are drunk.. I might be forced.. and you might think you could never do that.. but you might not really have a choice if you are fucked up. I never want to be afraid of you. I want to be with you... I really do.. .. but I don't see how you changing would be easy, I mean.. how you are living.. all you have is your friends.. it must be so hard for you.. I mean it must truly be hard.. and drugs and alcohol are material things.. they won't ever hurt you right? ... they hurt me.. and I'm sorry.. if I'm hurting you now.. but it hurts me how I've hurt you... ... You're not like anyone else I've ever met.. I really think you are special.. You are to me. I'm not expecting a change right away.. I'm just hoping you'll understand me a little better... I just want to help and be there for you.. I'm here if you need me.. it's limited however I know.. I don't have a car.. I can't borrow anyones.. I don't have my own phone.. so.. I can't be there for you as much as I want to be or maybe exactly when you need me. ... but I can still be here... I'm just sorry Brook.. ... I just feel like my problems don't amount to shit compaired to all you've been through. You make me feel like a complaing child.. I just want to be there for you... I'm slefish... I'm falling for you and it's scaring me.

Then this one:
What do you mean to me... How about we turn that into what I want you to mean to me? I want you to be there more... Like .. I can picture you next to me just walking next to me in Wal Mart.. thing is you don't like crowds.. BIG problem lol because I'm not really bothered by them. Wal Mart's not a crowd to me. ...when I have a problem .. it would be nice to have someone to go to it with instead of only being able to type about it. I guess what I'm trying to just say is.. I'm not sure what all you mean to me yet.. you're growing on me I can tell you that.. you're becomming more and more real each day... I just want you to be there... be with you more... I guess you are saying we can't do that untill I'm 18.. sorry babe, you might be able to wait but I can't. I want to be with you now. Maybe we are rushing but.. this is completly new to me and I'm open minded about it all. I just want to know what it would be like with someone, with you. To have you there.. roll over and you be there.. start talking to myself and have you answer outta nowhere. I just want to be there for you... it's hard.. you can do whatever you want... when I .. have an invisible leash tied onto me. I can only go so far and do so much until that leash is gone.. so is that what you're waiting for? For that leash to be gone? Because I got teeth, I can chew through that leash. ... I just don't want to feel like a chore to you. I've never really 'tried' with a relationship before, but if you want to stay together... then I'm all up for it. I'll be just yours... ... .. . if you want it, I'm here. I'll tell you this, I was completly shocked when you said those things about 'how I was' ... you hit the nail right on the head. ... but it was just the begining to me.. I think you've made a more simple version of me but I really think you pretty much know how I am.. like you said, I think too much, I'm always thinking. Maybe about stupid pointless shit or it might be about you but my mind is always somewhere else. You said I don't take things seriously, you were right. I don't. ... There's a reason I believe why I don't, I'm not quite sure though.. maybe the same reason why you are how you are... but I've never taken you to heart.. seriously... but I will. If you really want to give us a shot then I will. I'll take you serioulsy, I'll take whatever you say to heart... it's gonna be harder.. but I'll do it.

and lastly:
So Mr. Brook you told me to go ahead and write what I needed to say.. typing is the same. Well, I guess to start it off I could type this poem.. I kinda wrote awhile back >.> ... .. .... .. . ... I'm always afraid you'll laugh at me.. :

You're the deep water and I can't swim
I've pushed too deep and now I'm in
I want to leave but this water's turned to tar
I try to fight but I can't go far
Molding back into you I can't escape your touch
You silence me like I don't know much
I should of looked and not of touched
Because everything I say to you means too much
I try to talk but can't find the words to
Make you understand how much your world hurts
I'm the moth near the flame
Drawn to it can't stay away
Light mixing with dark things turn to gray
I've realized now your days won't change
You say I'm different that I can't change you
Then ask me this why am I still with you?
Believe me sir you won't have the answer
Unasked questions lead to disasters
A face full of innocence and a heart so confused
I can't walk away knowing his abuse
Holding in pain he walks around blind
I'm surprised by now he hasn't done time
Keeping silence has never been a plus
For a little miss who likes to make fuss
The words will come to me one of these days
I just pray to God by then he'll change


Shit.. I don't know what to say.. After hearing what you told me after I had asked you the question 'what I meant to you'.. it's just.. I guess I'll just try to tell you what you mean to me.

Damnit.. what do you mean to me Brook? Like you said.. I'm cool to hang around.. same for you. It's just.. It's like I've known you longer then I really have.. it's just.. it's easy for me to be around you.. I mean. I have never felt nervous around you untill recent. It's just you're there and I'm here and when we are together we are together and that's it and it's just.. it fits and nothing else matters. Our relationship isn't like the little kiddy ones I'm used to.. it's serious, it's real. You're real. I've never seen myself as real. For me.. it's hard to be there for you. I dont' have a car I just can't up and leave to go to you and I don't control the phone.. so.. I just ask myself 'what can I do for him?' And maybe I put myself down all the time but.. I just think there is better then me. I'm not gonna be like J.T. Liles and say 'you deserve better then me, break up with me' because I don't want to break up with you it's just.. I can't see in me what you see in me I guess. I've always thought of my future as being me and my education, no guys and maybe, if I was lucky, I would have a few girlfriends, but now when I think about my future and education, you are just there. And it's never been this way with anybody for me before. Well, sure I've had my heart 'broken' but that was a long time ago and I was just a child so.. it couldn't really count could it? And ever since then I just.. didn't see the point in relationships at my age, in this point in life now. It would seem just to complicate things.. but you.. you are just there.. and.. having someone to fall back on.. would feel great. I just don't want to think I'm better then I am and get laughed at. I mean when you really look at it from outside, we just jumped into everything... like we jumped over the lake instead of using the stepping stones.. do you get what I mean? When you take the stepping stones you can take your time and look around you, admire the lake and the senery. When you just jump over.. everythings a blur, you only get glimpses of things.. I feel that way.. but it feels ok.. like it's how it was supposed to be.. it's just completely crazy. I mean look at other relationships. Dating, you might meet them through friends. Look at you and me. No dates and it's YOU and ME, not me and friends with you or you and me with your friends it's strictly you and I or work buddies or my parents. I'm all up and fine with it it's just.. different?
But I've yet to tell you what you mean to me huh? I put you on the spot all the time huh? Always expecting answers... I feel kinda guilty now.. it's rather hard to explain. Well I give you points for putting up with me. You're alot to put up with too ya'know.

He was cracking up at that.
My poem.. he was so mean lol we was laying on my floor reading it.. well he was laying in my lap. My door was half open (rules) and yea..

.. Brook and I have decided to step up our relationship.. I'm his now.. whatever he wants from me he can have it.. I don't mean sex I mean me.. my life.

... we was bout to both pass out on my floor lol I was cuddled against him and he was using my pillow and we was both bout to just black out and then off and on off and on lol and his hand went back down and soon brother was up and they was in the living room mom would check on us time to time dad was still snoozin and my hand was down his pants this time and.. his was in mine.. and we was kissing and mom opened the door and we heard her a bit before she opened the door but our hands where just pulling away and door opened and she was like, she took in a sharp breath and said that's enough I needed to get ready for work.. and me and brook was both like 'fuck' lmao anyway mom said i was busted.. in other words she said we was sucking face and didn't even see our hands -.-' damn mom thinks kissing is a huge deal to me now XD ha ha I told him he's a little virgin kisser ha ha but yea man did we get lucky!
But I loved it.. being with him... man we chilled on my floor just like .. he turned on cartoons and .. just watching him laugh.. it was just great. Fairly Odd Parents.. yea lol and he likes Yu Gi Oh because of his nephew.. and.. it's just I want to be part of his life.. he fits so snugly into mine.. .. I loved just being with him.. he said when he read about the wal mart thing, me just picturing him there with me he said he does the same thing... .. he's ready to say I love you.. I'm not.. I feel that way I think.

He wrote this on my floor:

I say to you these words I say,
I've save for you another day.
It's you I like and to share it,
It's you I want and you I cherish.
I like to show you but don't know how,
I want to "__e_ __" how 'bout now?

He wouldn't give me those 2 words. First word is 4 letters, 3rd letter is e. Last word is 2 letters. Only thing I could think of that made sense was 'feel it' :;shrugs:: he said it wasn't it.

anyway.. went to work. Lucky for him since he was bout to walk 10 miles back to his house lol stupid ass. But .. yea.. just..

.. I'm tired of being called a hoe and all this other shit because of sex. I mean.. god .. but ah.. forget it. I'm only doing this for Jahreee from now on.. I'm sure he might not even care anymore.

The Transfer is looking really bad. I probably won't get it.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow at 12, Brook doesn't get off till 3 AM and then is going to Dallas... but.. it's Brook now.. my parents are cool with him comming over.. just we have to let both them know that he is there...

On the couch after work (oh god was I like feeling aweful lol but naw man I made like over $30. I have $192 on me) she said I sure was sucking face like I liked it and that i better not get pregnant....

.. Brook crying though.. and I had nothing to say to him.

Found out that his mom had a heart attack when he was born, when he was little his brother shot him 5 times with a gun.. he got hit by a bus head on in a car or something and a whole lot of other shit. He thinks he's just on borrowed time... i just fear.. once he stops thinking that and really believeing .. something will happen to him..

... I miss him already... I have a strong lust for him now. Real strong.

Godamnit.. my father .. his health.. he went out in this fucking heat because he is a retard and went to the dump to dump some tree branches he cut off yesterday and then came home and got in the shower and came out like 3 minutes later and sat down on the couch because he couldn't breathe... damnit.. he can't even stand up.. I'm tired of this.. I'm tried of mom having to work because of the money.. I reeeeeally am tired of this.. fucking brother doesn't help out.. now he's supposed to be going back to school.. and now really won't leave.. damnit.. I'm tired of this.. I'm hating Brook but wanting him so bad.. so so bad.. I'm bout to cry.. I'm so fustrated and aggravated.. .. I can't have dad drive me to school.. I need to find a ride.. I called Voglee and she hasn't had time to call.. damnit.. dad had 3 Burritos in the microwave.. there is nothing else to eat... damnit.. .. after I get my school shit ready.. I'm gonna fucking.. just help out here.. damnit.. god.. I hate my brother... I really hate him... I do... I hate how he is...

... I can't take this anymore.. ...

... .... they are gonna start listening to me.. especialy my dad.. he feels so useless but he has to understand his body is just that.. and my mom.. complain complain about work.. she needs to stop.. stop work.. ... it's too much for her.. goddamint.. this isn't fair.. we are supposed to take care of our elders and they just are holding me back but I won't be like my brother... god.. I hate everything.. I really do.. and Brook.. ... .... Brook..



Lyrics to Guilty:

I feel guilty
My words are empty
no signs to give you
I dont have time for you

You say i'm heartless
and you say i do'nt care
I used to be ther for you
and you've said i seem so dead, that i have changed
but so have you

guilty, guilty I feel so
empty, empty you know how to make me feel

i put a shield upon you
i don't mean to hurt you
i would have only poisoned your mind
never meant to make you cry

you've been so thoughtless
i can see right through you
you used to be there for me
so don't you leave and say goodbye
cause you have changed but so have i

I never thought that the time and the distance between us made you so much colder i'll carry the world on my shoulders

... ah.. yep.. ... #2 on their CD Dead Letters...




.. I wrote this last night.. oh Brook didn't call btw.. I called at like 1:20.. let it ring once.. no one called back.. I called him twice today.. around... 1:40 ... no one picked up...

... here it is:

You're the deep water and I can't swim
I've pushed too deep and now I'm in
I want to leave but this water's turned to tar
I try to fight but I can't go far
Molding back into you I can't escape your touch
You silence me like I don't know much
I should of looked and not of touched
Because everything I say to you means too much
I try to talk but can't find the words to
Make you understand how much your world hurts
I'm the moth near the flame
Drawn to it, can't stay away
Light mixing with dark things turn to gray
I've realized now your days won't change
You say I'm different that I can't change you
Then ask me this why am I still with you?
Believe me sir you won't have the answer
Unasked questions lead to disasters
A face full of innocence and a heart so confused
I can't walk away knowing his abuse
Holding in pain he walks around blind
I'm surprised by now he hasn't done time
Keeping silent has never been a plus
For a little Miss who likes to make fuss
The words will come to me one of these days
I just pray to God by then he'll change


....

Well, I'll keep this short so I won't wake my mother.. damn this keyboard is loud. I'm trying to press softly but it isn't even helping.

Went to work and around.. 3:20 phone rings and it's Brook.. 'Hi baby!' ... .. I tell him to hand on (I was reading Hank and this other old guy their Horoscopes) went back to the phone... said he hadn't talk to me in a while what was up? .. nothing lol.. and.. Hoobastank had long hair back in the day.. I just found that out.. ewww.. that is nasty hair..

Sis probably ain't taking me Tuesday.. tomorrow .. mom said she'll take me Saturday to OKC if I want.. I have $195 with me.. .. damn.. how'd I save it up? Lol

No call from Mrs. Voglee... I left a message on her phone though...

... Brook said 'when I got home I asked Nathin if I had any messages and then asked if my girl called and he said no, so I called because SOMEONE didn't call me' I was like 'I called' and he was like 'when?' and I was like 'ahh... a couple days ago? Friday? Saturday?' and he said oh. He said he got back on Saturday... lier... He said they went to six flags 4 times and are going back Saturday.. and him and Autum are all buddy buddy now and she has a new ride. He said he was gonna come by.. to 'please' give him 30 minutes (it was reallly hot and it's like probably a 20 minute walk) and so I was like alright bye. So, after like 30 minutes of talking on the phone (was working with Tonna so it was cool) Well, whatever we was dead and then got buisness and an hour passed so I just forgot and then he poped in like around 6:15 I think.. So, I was just busy and running around and sat with him when I could.. but yes.. I was making it clear to him I was ignoring him.. ass.. and yeah.. he said he drove here.. in a green mustang.. that he parked at his grandma's house because I can't see it yet.. that he was gonna give it to me but now is gonna give it to Creg and I was just totally lost.. and then.. it was past 7.. like 7:20 and I was like really needing to get to work.. and I was just up and tending to customers and shit and... only talking with Brook in sessions lol .. but I had been writing that 'when I stumble' stuff on a piece of paper and he wrote something on the back and when I went to read it he said I couldn't untill I was off of work.. problem is.. I left the paper there -_- man was I pissed when I got in the truck and found out the papers I grabbed didn't have that paper with it (I drew a cool picture on it too -__-) ... so oops wonder what it said. He said I had something to say, that he was waiting for me to ask a question that everytime I see him I just shower him with questions.. I said I had something on my mind that I wanted to tell him but didn't know how to say it.. that's my excuse everytime.. I was hot and pissed then though.. plus I was at work. He said he was worse at work and I said yea I know atleast I'm looking at you, talking to you, sitting by you. And he told me to shut up -_- . Well, I asked him if he wanted me to go to his house after work and he said he 'didn't care' and I said well I didn't care and he said that we both couldn't not care because then we was both trying to go to a common point? WTF right? Yea.. but I had a pissy ass face on the whole time I was talking to him.. -_-+ then I said well if I do go to your house I'm not walking there by myself so he said he'd come and get me, not in his car of course because he was gonna have Creg take it to DDR town tonight, so I was like fine and called mom said no so I told him no and he was gonna leave so I checked on my tables, went outside to say goodbye and he was way at the end/corner talking to this white guy wearing sliver sunglasses that had been walking by back and forth the windows all day today. So, I stomped my foot and he heard it (echos) and he said bye to the dude and came to me and he said it was Mitch, the guy who was with Josh.. Josh is one of those twins that got killed in that car wreak... anyway he said he got had a ride now and that i guess it was mitch.. but yea.. and so.. I sad I had to get back to work that I was in trouble and he hugged me and went to kiss me and I just pressed my lips once and pulled away and sighed. He said 'what? What do you expect I haven't seen you in 5 days' and I glared at him and said' I haven't heard from you in 5 days, what do YOU expect?' and he sighed and looked away, and said 'oh so it's my fault now huh?' and I was like I didn't say that.. and .. anyway I sighed and said I had to get back to work and kinda touched his neck and he kissed me and I heard someone behind him so I didn't mean to but I grabbed his bottem lip with my teeth and kinda.. tugged on it? lol I really didn't mean to, honest mistake and he all shivered and called me a punk while I was looking over his shoulder at these people who were at the pizza place. I sighed and kissed him again.. his lips were sweet for some reason.. I don't know what it was.. he wasn't high.. no tabaco... and no alcohol.. I was happy... I started gripping the back of his hair and just.. god.. .. just we started going at it and I just stopped and pushed him away. I mean I pushed him lmao and I was like 'ok I better stop, bye' Lol and he said 'yea you better, alright.. bye' and I walked away and he walked away and.. I was like' call me?' and he said sure. (I told him he coudl call now, and he said 'oh who says?' and I was like me myself and i lol)

Went back to work and turns out Brook was in the back of a truck with that bitch guy driving I think and dad was waiting for me and I went out the door and yelled Brook and he looked up at me and nodded then looked back down at the fishing pole.. .. they turned in the ally.. ... he didn't.. look happy... ... but anyway I had got to thinking, brook said he drove there then when we was outside he said he had a ride now.. wtf? I mean.. lies.. has to be right?

All buddy buddy with Autum? i'm bout to call her..

.. .. damn..


.. I can't believe i have so much money.. mom says she's paying for my hair but doesn't know how much she can give me for clothes... ::sigh::... I wanted brook.. so much in that moment.. and.. he said he had been thinking of me and.. was gonna give me a car? Yea right..

He confuses the hell out of me.. I just.. dont' know... what to do with him..



Mom wouldn't let me go... cha.. oh and dad asked me why brook ignored him.. that he knew he saw him... . lol.. god..

.. I don't know

Well, I worked with Sonny and Jon today. Damn, Jon. He says I owe him a back rub so I said next time we work night together I would lol...

Haven't heard from Brook.. made $38 in tips today.. pretty nice but busy.

Got home and chilled on my bed listening to Korn and then at 5 (got home at like 3:50, we closed at 2) took a shower and then went to church... I gave my mom a note in the car saying to get my papers from under my bed and for dad to read it off the computer.. while I was at chruch I really didn't think about it.. when I got home found out my brother thinks I'm running away to my boyfriend and my parents wouldn't let him hear them discuss my letter. My eyes are bearly open right now and for some reason I am really hot.

But anyway, they said they understand and that when I'm young and growing up they teach me to be independent and then when I am grown up and independent they don't want me to leave. So.. I can understand that. They understand it and say it's ok, go out and explore the world exprience things. As long as I tell them about it. .. They don't want me to hide anything from them. ... dad says he knows I'm smarter then to get into a car with someone who's been drinking.. well.. no I don't know better.. but.. as long as I'm the one driving lol.. I dont' know.

But it's cool.. they, I think, are pretty much gonna let me do what I want as long as I keep them filled in and call and stuff... we didn't talk about Brook... I'm glad we didn't. Because.. I dont' know what is up with him. Maybe that sex scared him.. but then maybe that's all he wanted.. I dont' think that because it really wasn't anything good lol. Jon said it's messed up Brook ain't callin me.. that he saw him lastnight and yada yada.. .. turns out Brook never left... I have no clue.. but.. I work tomorrow.. and I still dont' know about going to OKC with sis -_-

Mom and dad kept saying I'm very talented and I'm a great writer lmao that is funny. I like the letter I wrote though.. I pretty much didn't change any of it when I rewrote it. Just added a sentence here and there and maybe reworded it. .. but yea.. dad said I cant spell but I write good ^^',\ so true that I cant' spell xD I was taking breakfast orders today and wrote 'sorup' lmao and they all made fun of me! I really know Syrup is spell like that, syrup, but lol heat of the moment I just write down whatever lmao. Jakeeta said I have to change how I write orders lol so the cooks can read them better..

argh. Went fishing with my parents.. just so I could talk.. we really didn't talk.. ended up talking about government and health care -.-' my parents are so in debt with the hospitals.. god.. they are trying to sue us .. and are and.. it's just been a continous thing.. but .. yea.. I didn't catch anything with my rod but ^^when it got dark and mom catfished and dad was just sitting down and well I get the flashlight and go along the shore and lean on the rocks and look into the shallow water at the little cute pierch that come up. And I caught 2 little minno looking fish, real tiny. I snached them up with my left hand ^^ I surprised my dad XD their fault for swimming too close to the top of the water, dudes had a death wish. I mean.. they weren't.. maybe a quarter and a half long and.. like.. a third of a dime wide.. yea.. but man I almost had those bigger fishies! Like as long as a finger and stuff. I had my hand all down around them and everything but they just slipped through my fingers. I'm surprised they didn't run away.. but they let me put my hand over them.. just .. when I touched them they jeted and there was nothing I could do about it lol. ^^ but yes I caugh fishies.. can't wait till next time lol (yes i can).

But I'm going to bed.. I want 12 hours of sleep.. ~_~



~

DON'T BE SCARED AWAY
Yes, this entry shall be long if I have anything to do with it. I just finished REwriting that 5 page letter and it is just now a bit over 5 pages. (front and back mind you) I will sign off and type it in a word document and copy and paste it in here.. .. my parents are off fishing so now is my best time to type, with them gone. I just.. Don't know when I should give it to them.. I guess I could give it to them before I go to work huh? Or since I am typing it up, go to work, call them, tell dad to bring up doucument blahblah and enjoy your reading material. I think it'll mean more if they read it with my hand writing.. but it'd be easier to read it off a screen. Maybe I'll say 'mom go to my room, on my bed is a stack of papers for you and tell dad to pull up file blah blah and you guys start at the same time and see who finishes first ok? Love ya bye' .. I'm thinking of doing B...

Went to town today.. I'm not gonna get my shoes this week, I want more money for when I go to OKC which I don't even know I'll be able to do now -_- .. the mall was packed.. stupid Saturdays, people don't have anything better to do. Thing was jam packed but atleast I got to see Grant again. Remember that kid? No? OK. Well, anyway I sure as hell wasn't bout to wait forever so I asked to play with him and he said sure, he was 3 coins from the top and then Brent came along and kicked me and just talked talked talked about hacking the machine and they have to swich the chip in the back because it's messed up and they was gonna shut the machine off and I said not before I play lol because I have to leave and he said 'fine after you play and play ghream screams, jumping around, then I'll switch it' then I was like cha lol and then he said 'you are lucky I think you're cute' -_-' Oh, I had just had my hair cut too btw -______- the front is just fine and dandy, very nice... but the back.. is just WAY fucking TOO short and.. my white neck -___- remember how I had my beanie on and I got burnt on the back of my neck? Well my little tan line shows now -.-' ah.. yea but it'll grow.. quickly I hope. But yes played and then left.. Taco Bell and Wal Mart bought Korn's CD.. umm... the one with 'all ya'll want a single' THEN once I played it in the truck found out it was EDITED! >_< so I'm taking it back. They were sold out of Slipknots new CD but hell I'm taking it back to either get the unedited virsion or just get Slipknot and pay the differece -.-'

But anyway that is that.. and... parents had a talk with bro.. and .. well yea.. it went alright.. I ease dropped lol through the wall.. I swear our house is like paper thin.. but anyway I need to start typing this shit up..





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11:43 PM

Yep, here it is... like first person perspective to 3rd to 2nd back to first then yea.. it just jumps around.

They got home when I was typing the last page..

New rule mom says.. I can't be on the computer when she works the early shifts.. ::sigh:: I knew it was comming. Doesn't matter, school is starting up soon I won't be able to stay up late anymore anyway.. speaking of that.. I work at 9 tomorrow.. well really at 11 but she said to go in early so I'd get used to it all...

... but back to the letter:







I've come to believe that ever since dad was in the hospital, in ICU for those 4 or 5 days, that my memory has sliped, and along with that, my respect for things. I was pretty calm during that time. I guess it was because I was in shock. I thought about how life would be without my father. My mother would of fallen apart and would of been a walking zombie, that's if she didn't kill herself. My sister would of broken down and it would of either brought her closer to the family she had left, or just shattered her. My brother well, I can't tell you weather he would of been mad at my father for leaving and of had treated him the way he has and missing out on father and son stuff and angry at him for my father making him find things out on his own and just pity himself and hate the world or comfort my mother and morn for my father. Myself; however, never really grasped it. I made myself not think about it. And since that time I haven't taken things so serioiulsy. I let pretty much everything slide and just forget things. Be in my own world. I just thought about myself and all the things I wanted to do. I'll admit I think I'm invencible, you might think that makes me foolish, but no. I might be agnorant to say this, but it's made me wise. I'm the type to look at the big picture. I rarely skim over the details. I've always never seen the point in talking to someone for just a few seconds of their attention, when they won't remember it two hours later. that's why I have next to no friends. I was the same way with my parents. I soon found out that, for example, when I came home from school I would tell them, in detail, about my dad. OK, dad's on the computer, mom's watching reruns on TV, I walk in the door and start blabing about my dad and they both say "not now" "my shows are on" "I'm busy" Not now, we can talk later. Well, they say "later" never comes with me when I say I'll do the dishes later. Well, hell, LATER NEVER COMES WITH THEM EITHER! Either tired or shows or playing games. Even THEN I'd still talk to them but be more then half ignored, not like they'd remember it anyway I thought, but it still feels good just to talk sometimes. It was all cool though. It's just don't say, when I decide to talk to you and you say "no, later" just don't tell me I've had tons of chances to talk, you all haven't made it feel that way. I'm not whining and complaining now, so just shut up and listen to me for a change. So who would I blab to? Laura? Mattie? Martika, Amanda? I tried with them, I really did, but evreyone was too immature and too wrapped up in theirselves to even begin to understand me. Sure they'd listen, but it wouldn't mean anything to them. They'd just go off and tell someone else just so they could get two seconds of that person's attention. I've grown out of that. So, I turned to the Internet where I could speak freely without having to worry about someone telling someone else about it. It didn't matter. they were MILES, STATES away, so it made me feel more secure talk to them. That's why I stayed on the Internet all the time. I mean that was pretty much all I was doing day to day for my life, talking on the computer and watching TV. All my anime and stuff, I look at that, how I was, and it makes me feel so pathedic. I got a job and started talking to more kinds of people and Bethany and Brook added to the mix. I started to miss shows because of work but i just didn't care anymore. It didn't matter if I missed an episode like it did before. TV doesn't matter. And I realized that the people here around me are more real then the Internet. So I spent more time trying to be there for others here where I was. I soon found out I couldn't. The phone was pretty much the only way to talk to these people and I found out I didn't control our phone. So, I really couldn't be there for anyone. I couldn't up up and leave whenever someone needed me, I didn't have a car and how could I ask my parents to take me? Yeah, so I found out that I couldn't be there for people like I wanted to be. I thought, sure if they got fucked up they could crash at my house if they needed somewhere to go, but I realize now my parents would say no because they would be hiding that miner and, even if it was best for that person, my parents could still get in a shit load of trouble and refuse to take that chance. And that's ok, they are right. but it makes me feel so useless not to be able to be there for the poeple I'm tyring to get close with. and I understand I really can't be there for someone until I'm out on my own, Have my own car. and have a cell phone or something. I can understand that. and when I started to tell my parents little problems at school, they just stressed over it and just made it a way more bigger deal out of it then it really was. So I stopped bothering them with stupid little, pointless problems just to get their attention for awhile. So I just quit talking? Still sounds like I'm a goddang boohoo baby right? Shut up and read on. It's just, I finnaly found some people I get along with, have fucked up backgrounds but it's made them mature. You guys refuse to let me spend time with them because of their backgrounds. Oh I'm whining again right? Well, when I finnaly want to hang out with them, you say no, I do it anyway, and just like that, boom, I'm a bad kid all of a sudden. Parents look at me and say "how could I have let my daughter be friends with such a bad influence" well, hell, that in turn makes my parents look bad. But if they'd took the time to listen to me blabber, they would of known where I was at. I understand it was wrong for me to go witout word, but hell, I was bored. I understand that if I was cought with them, even if I was clean, it would be on record. I understand you guys don't want me to be the way you guys where. I understand you don't want me to make mistakes that you guys can just rather shield me from, but when you where my age you learned from your mistakes. And I see how your parents let you do, from my understanding, whatever the hell you wanted to, and maybe that made you feel neglected and maybe that makes ya'll feel that you dont' want me to feel that way towards you guys, but what you guys don't understand is that I've learned from your mistakes. Everyone around me's mistakes. Why have I just sat back and watched? Because I wasn't allowed to go out on my own and make'em. And that's fine with me. I see that last year, even months ago I wasn't as mature as I am now. I understand I learn something new everyday but it's becomming more and more limited. Everything I've learned while sitting back and watching has turned into values now. When an animal is backed into a corner it's gonna run and break through whatever's in it's way. When I had a chance, I took it. Got cought right after but it's not like I was trying to hide. I don't want to hide from my parents. I want permission so I won't feel any guilt. And I do feel guilt. I know their bodies can't take all of this, and reading this far might even stress them more. I was told they might be too far gone to understand me completely but I refuse to NOT try. Understand that I always try. Always have hape. Because I'm too stupid to live in the real world I guess. I don't mean to stress them out but I've come to my end. I try to speak up, but they think I've flipped and have been brainwashed by a man I'm supposeidly head-over-heals in love with. When really, it's me. Just me trying to get them to have empathy with me, understand me. They never listen till the end, always inturpting then I'd attack that and then they'd attack something and it'd just turn into yelling, screaming even. I've never have been one to talk that way. Tears would start to fall for no reason and my words would be broken and I wouldn't be able to talk, just scream something every now and then. that's why I'm writing now. Hoping I won't leave anything out. I'm trying to get you to understand me, I'm not trying to complain and whine to you. I'm not saying you've been bad parents, that I don't get what I want, i'm not saying that. I've been happy, always enjoying everthing I do. From pressing a key on a keyboard to working for no money to even just shitting. Every single thing I do, I've done, I enjoy. My temper might flare quickly but just as sudden I calm back down. No point in staying upset. I always believe there is something better, maybe that's why you feel like I'm not satisfied. It's ture, I'm not. I know I can be better, smarter, have more. I'm a selfish bitch, but that doesn't make me nieve. I understand that you guys don't want me to make the mistakes you have made and don't want me to go through the pain and shit you've been through. But you guys have to let me go sometime.
Sure you say when I'm 18, well, I've been holding on for a year, three years with no change and I'm at my end. I need change and I'm ready for it. You both have made mistakes and have recovered from them just fine. I already think i'm smart enough and won't make any serious mistakes, but then I understand I haven't been fully out in that world and might bite off more then I can chew but you have to let me do that and learn from it. If you guys are worryed I'll stress you with my problems and mistakes, I'll tell you this now, If I make a mistake I'll kick myself in the ass and not come crying to you to fix it. I'll deal with it myself. If I ever get in over my head, you all should know I'm too loud mouthed to not bitch to you about it. I'm not saying I've never made any wrong decisions, I'm just saying I've never made any bad ones. I know you all worry because i'm all gidy around guys and act all stupid, it's just the way I am now, not just around guys. I got so used to always being loud and squeeky and stupid just to get laughter out of you that it kinda stuck with me. and you can't base how a person is by just a few sitcuations you've seen them in. Like those guys at the mall and all this running off and not calling. And you can tell it's been past a month now I've been like this. I had started to reach my end. I began to realize I wasn't going to Arizona. It was a reality check slap in the face. I was just a selfish asshole for wanting you guys to up and move, but there is always something better and I thought we all could use a fresh start. I understand I was rude to expect a move and my heart just shattered when I thought of wasting another year at this school. I refused to think of it and realized there was nothing I could do about it. Education is extremly important to me. I'm always learning from people. Going to Cache will give me more of that opportunity I want and the chance to learn about things I really have an intrest in. I can be content with that for now, but not with the way things have been. All the fighting, arguing. Why can't we just admit our love for each other and hlep ourselves out? I know I love you all and I don't really see any point in the way we have been towards each other. No one should owe anyone anything and everyone should just pitch in to help when it's needed. Why can't we just make it that simple? I know you are still worryed about me running off, but like the elders say, "better to let them go and know where they are then for them to go and not know where they are" I know you don't want to let me go, you don't want to let me make mistakes and get hurt, but i feel like a mime. I'm in an invisible box. You have to let go of my hand and give me some space. Just give me a chance, you say you have, but really put it out there for me, let me taste it. And if I screw up you can rub it in my face all you want, but you'll just have to kiss my forehead and let me go back out there. I know I'll be your babygirl always, and I want to always be able to take your hand. Just give me the chance I want. You guys have been pushing me away and I'm sorry, I just can't go with you angry and confused about me. I want you to understand me. And giving me this chance won't make us more distant, I'm hoping it'll bring us closer together. I love you all and I know we love each other we just need to take a deep breath and take a break from each other and start over fresh. Being the way we have isn't good for any of us, and i know we all don't like it. Just please, I want a chance and I want this stupid fighting to end. If I stumble, I won't reach out for your hand to balance myself, I'll fall down flat on my face, and maybe your hand can pat me ontop of my head but I'm gonna get back up on my own. And I promise, if I stumble and there is a cliff, I promise I'll take hold of you hand so I won't fall to the bottem. It's just, I've grown up faster then you've wanted me to, but you just can't ignor that. You have to come to terms with it now. I dont' want to be drivin away like my sister. And I know you guys'll say "and what if we say no to giving you this chance, little Missy?" Well, I'll cry, whine, throw a fit, but I won't leave. I'm not gonna run away. I'm going to stay and whine and cry until you see it my way. I won't leave, I don't want to leave, I love you both. It's just I need more space. And when school starts up it's the perfect time to get my chance. I know you guys won't be there keeping an eye on me, but trust me, I'll fill ya in on what's going on. I know you guys are worried about me being so sheltered and thinking that once I get a good amount of slack on that leash that I'll want to try out these all new expierences, like drugs and shit. Well, I'll tell you this. I think it was last year or even before that I tried drinking because there was nothing else to do, I got bored. I quickly became additced. Always craving it, but it didn't last very long. I quit. I made myself stop. I knew it was bad and I didn't really need that kind of shit scrwing up my life. I Quit on my own. And i know better then to try drugs because I'm sure once I do, I'll be addicted to them even worse then alcohol. I'll be honest and admit I still have cravings for alcohol, i've had tons of chances to drink or try "some" but I don't, because I don't want to fall into something I'll need help comming out of. So please give me credit for my maturity. I deserve it and I think I deserve a real chance. And you guys might be thinking something happened to me or someone said something to me to make me speak up and say all these things but no, it's been inside for a long time. I'm just asking for some understanding. You can't always believe everything bad that's happned to you is gonna happen to me and I'm not saying it won't, it's just a chance.



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