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softspoken

:: 2014 15 April :: 10.46pm

Another Beginning...
So... I have not written here in about 5 years. I went through and deleted my old stuff (I like to start fresh), so I figured I'd write a little back story for myself and whoever is reading this.

At the moment, I'm 24 years old. I'm a natural brunette with coffee eyes and a caffeine addiction. I live a few miles outside a small town in Indiana with my dad and my son, and my fiance lives about 8 miles north of here.

My son will be 3 in July; he's my life. Of all the things that make up who I am, he's the best thing. He's the perfect combination of his father, Zac, and me. He's got my cheekbones and smile, Zac's hair and multicolor eyes. He's the happiest, most well-tempered child I've ever know. He has his moments of terrible two's, but can erase every indiscretion with his adorableness (which he is well aware of).

I've been engaged to Zac for about 4 years. We were in the midst of saving to move in together when lil man showed up on the scene. So now, every month we put a little bit more back in that ol' coffee can to add to a down payment on a home. Its definitely tough, being parents and together while living separately, but it has strengthened our relationship beyond comprehension. He's the yin to my yang, as cliche as that is to say. We tend to balance each other out. He works full time as a truck loader for a small logistics company, which allows me to work part time during the winter to be home with our son.

I work at a large non-profit resale company as a book scanner and e-commerce associate part-time (usually only 1-2 days a week) during the winter, then I guess the plan this summer is to work 2 hours a week there, while I work full time for a local farm. I've been with this company for about 4 years on and off. I got pregnant within my first month there, took maternity leave the following summer, then quit the last 2 summers to work the farm because summers usually mean loss of hours because of falling sales due to it being garage sale and flea market season. This year the new store manager (we go through management like its going out of style) wants to keep me on with minimum hours so she doesn't have to have more rehires on her record since apparently that will make her look bad, though no other manager ever had a problem with it before.

I've been working at the farm for 5 years, selling produce on the side of the road at both a stand on a busy state road, and at the stand that is located on the farm. Every year, there's a little more work. In the beginning, I only worked from June to mid-September, then it was June to Halloween. Last year, I helped with the pack sales in the spring in addition to the summer and fall produce sales, then this year I've been helping with seeding so far. This week will actually be my first week of the year doing sales.

Its been tricky these last couple months with working and everything, because my mother has been in the hospital. At the beginning of February, she fell ill. She finally broke down and asked me to take her to the emergency room (she didn't have insurance, so she had been putting it off). A few hours later, I got the call that they were transferring her to an hospital in Indianapolis because they had found an aneurysm in her abdomen. It was a miracle that it hadn't burst yet. She had her repair surgery about a month later, but has been struggling with kidney issues since then. We're hoping that she'll be moved into a rehab closer to home by next week, but the doctors have been saying that for a few weeks now, so who knows. She's typically the one who takes care of JD while I work, so Zac has been having to pick up the slack, watching JD during the day while working at night, and slipping in a few hours of sleep in between, which gets kind of tricky when he's working ten hours (9:30 pm-7:30am), and I'm working 9-5. But God bless him, he does everything he can. I'm not sure how I wound up with such a wonderful man, but I thank God every day that he brought him into my life. <3

Well, I think thats a good enough back story on myself to explain most things that I will probably write about on here now. Anything else, I should be able to explain as a write. I'm doubtful anyone will be reading this, especially anyone I know, but feel free to comment.

you are blind


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2012 25 September :: 10.32am
:: Mood: angry

just want to bash my face off a glass table x4,567 times.
Just want it to stop, just want it to be alright. want to stop this.
that black tide is driving me nuts.

you are blind


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2012 16 July :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: okay

I haven't been on here in forever, forever is a long time so I don't think it has been that long.. but it sure does feel like a good bit of time.
I totally forget all the codes for this, and for anything on the internet in that matter. I am here to update on my life, to get things out.. and possibly re-connect or make new friend<3

I am a mother of 2 little girls who depend on me in this shitty world I'm doing the best I can, all though some days it can be a little stressful, they always reassure me of how much love they can give. I haven't had it easy, Left my ex after a love-hate relationship of 4 yrs for somebody new, I felt like a wet puppy sitting along side the dark sidewalks as the world acted as the street lights in the dark. I Really didn't know if I could make that step of leaving.. It just wasn't right, not working out.. I was tired of the mess I always had to clean up.. But I did get a beautiful little girl out of such a terrible time. I obviously met someone new, we spent 2 years together before saying I do .. I love him and everything he does for this family. And I got another blessing, another little girl. It's been 3 years of happiness, but of course as I wander if it's normal too think of the past and be thankful for where I am today? even if I miss or I should say reminisce on everything I have endured. I sometimes often wonder how things could have been, what would have happened... I snap out of that funk as soon as a bad memory comes about and some days I will sit by myself, asking.. do I deserve what I have even if I have, or questioned? but like I said, I got 2 beautiful girls. :)
I battle with mental illness so everyday is a struggle. but they keep me going, even when I want to give up.
Right now I'm 23, its crazy realizing I've had this account since high school if not middle school? my old best friend actually introduced me, glad she did but sorry that I have not kept up.. A lot has happened.. like any ones life.. but I have lost a good amount of friends. Some for good reasons and others I have no idea? maybe it was best that way.. or it comes with age. I literally talk to probably 6 people and most live in my house lol.. I've grown up a lot too, but I'm still not a homeowner ;)

you are blind


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2010 16 November :: 8.45pm
:: Mood: angry

rant...
JUST RANTING AND PUTTING IT OUT THERE! --I hate when a certain someone plays the "Worlds GREATEST Dad" role, when you only show your kid off for show if you're going somewhere or have company.. And usually when its your turn to spend time with her, you don't spend any time with her what-so-ever.. the girlfriend has her the majority of the time for various reasons such as work or you're sleeping, then when the gf isn't there you call me acting like a lunatic because you can't "handle" her, whats there to handle? shes your daughter too!! Doesn't give you an excuse to be mean to her either! she tells people!!! but boy oh boy, when an event comes up and you need to play house and dress up you're the first flipping person to fight for her, aren't ya? Then I get shit thrown in my face when your mad because I left your stupid ass and you chose not to see her, you rather of went to the bar and did whatever else you were doing, when I know, you know and the good Lord knows I tried to set up visitations but you chose other shit AND people know I tried!.. EVEN WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER YOU SAT YOUR ASS.. ON MY COUCH, EATING ALLLLLL MY FOOD AND PLAYED VIDEO GAMES THE WHOLE TIME, had to beg you to cut the grass or do something around the house or PAY ATTENTION TO OUR DAUGHTER! when you played Call of Duty or whatever it was you would freak out if she got in front of the freaking tv!.......But yeah! had to beg you to please make an effort so everyone in my family or friends wouldn't think you were a bum! and it took a year and a half to get you too work including when we first met! note you hated to shower too, had to beg that freaking shit too. AND LETS BUST OUT the fact you had stank ass women, playing phone games on MY PHONE THAT I PAYED FOR, monthly. get your funky A$$ outta here, I am heated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and THANKS FOR LETTING MY DAUGHTER GO TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS MOTHERS HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING THIS YEAR! even though you'll be working! what the hell is the point? she should be with ME if you gotta work!!! can I get a DUH? lmao. ugh.

you are blind


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2009 11 December :: 11.52am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: sponge - plowed.

I hate being fat. fat fat fat..
its horrible, i feel terrible 99.9% of the time.
I've never been this huge. EVER. i wish i was at my goal weight, which is * 145lbs... FML

you are blind


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2009 17 January :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: determined

A lot has been taking place lately, recently moved from bentleyville to weedville..its about 3 1/2 hours away and i miss my friends and family so much. I have family up here but my mother isn't here, which really sucks..she doesn't get to see elise and i don't get to see my sister, Brianna who is 5 1/2 years old..time flys! wow.
I don't really have any friends anymore, i'm a bum who goes on the internet looking for conversation and i feel pitiful sometimes, i just miss being younger when there was no worries, nothing to stand in my way.. I had loads of friends and fun.. but all that is over now, its more reality.. it did just me for the better though, and i love being a mother.
Sometimes i just feel so alone.
Few of my old friends had or is having a baby, and i'm delighted for them i wish them all the best, we all grow up, some just faster than others.
Have you ever wanted to go back into the past? if its just to change somethings or just re-live it? i do to an extent of course, my situations would have been better and decisions of course; more wiser.
I'm jobless for the time being all though i did put applications in, everyone is losing there jobs, getting laid off or getting the hours cut.. Its hard for everyone anymore, the economy is bad.. "Barack Obama" isn't going to make anything any better though.. BUT we will see. hmm.
Lance has a ajob so hes supporting myself and our darling, beautiful child, Elise Renee whom is now a year old. Were doing the best we can and doing it well.. We are so blessed and wouldn't change it any other way. I won't lie i miss a lot of things, but change is good, ya know?
I want to move back to Washington Co., but we will see later in time right now we need to get our priorities straight, in which is coming along great!
We live in a big 4bedroom, 2bathroom white house.. old as hell from 1919 but its cool for now..

Oh!
I think my cat is pregnant her belly is so big, so of course i cater to her i know what its like to be miserable and tired..big fat cow syndrome. lol

had a puppy gave it to a better home, couldn't really afford the cute little things..he was a black lab mixed with american bulldog..so cute i tell ya, i wish him and his new family the best!

had a chocolate siamese cat..he sprayed everywhere out of pure jealously so he got a new home fast! and i didn't want a single penny for him, great house cat.. just wanted the best for him as well.. so its just
elise, lance, myself and bailey(female cat)
were getting by just fine.

i am on a mission to loose this flab and i will continue to do so until something changes in my weight, i'm really pushing myself and it needs to be done.. I'm sick and tired of feeling gross.. i want to be sexy! i look good but i want to be "fine" lol, i'm such a tard.

trying every diet on this planet nothing works for me but i WILL find something!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm determined.
Because i am tired of myself and seeing all these other chicks who give weight loss a bad name. My minds at ease and my spirit is high, i can do this, I WILL DO THIS.

thanks for reading.
tata.

you are blind


blondiegirl05

:: 2008 4 July :: 2.28am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: katy perry [i kissed a girl]

friends only, of course.




Comment to be added.
Or just add me and I'll add you back.


I deleted all of the old entries and will now be using this blog to talk about me mostly (my thoughts, opinions, favorite things, etc.). I plan on keeping up with it pretty regularly, so give it a try.. you might like what you find.


xoxo♥ashleigh

(((edit))) 9-2-09: for real this time :)

you are blind


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2008 13 April :: 7.54pm

don't worry.
you're an amazing sister.

2 can now see | you are blind


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2008 4 April :: 8.16am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Baby Mozart. on tv.

Update.
Well i had my daughter she was due jan 9th, but came about jan 2nd 8:59am
i'm very happy.. shes 3months now, and shes precious. i love her so much.. she has changed me for the good! and Lance is a great father; so together were a great family. i love both of them and vise versa. Lance started his new job almost 3 weeks ago, i love it.. so he gets paid today! i'm excited to finally have money i have being to poor.. but what sucks is he drives alot and is hardly home.. he works 3am to 1pm sometimes 4pm. i miss makin him breakfast lol. oh well, money money money, gotta pay bills, i plan not to work for awhile i don't trust noone with an infant as of what i always see on the fucking.. tv.. news.. ugh.
i'm on alli, i'm trying to lose weight, i only like 4 lbs so far.. and like 2 inches.. of course i need more. before i got pregnant i was 5'5 and 158 lbs or something, and now i'm atleast more than at lol.. and i liked that weight i was sooo happy! but of course, it was worth it i got my little girl Elise Renee, aw.
but yes! i need to take it off.. i'm trying, i'm having a party tomorrow night, elise is going to grandma's wooo! i'll miss her, but i can't wait to make jello shots..
anyways thats all i'm reporting.

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you are blind


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2008 22 March :: 12.56am

Read more..

you are blind


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2008 18 March :: 4.31pm

I walked miles through the city and recognized
nothing as a giant claw ate at my
stomach while the inside of my head felt
airy as if I was about to go
mad.
it's not so much that nothing means
anything but more that it keeps meaning
nothing,
there's no release, just gurus and self-
appointed gods and hucksters.
the more people say, the less there is to say.
even the best books are dry sawdust.

you are blind


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2008 16 March :: 9.09pm

this summer will be amazing.
i am done with caring what people think.

i will get drunk and high and i will go to the beach.
i will play at the park and at elementary schools, and i will love.
i will love the world and the sun and the sky, and my boyfriend.

i will chase down the ice cream man and eat choco tacos.
i will listen to records and watch my lava lamp.

i will go barefoot.
i will go camping.

life is so beautiful.

2 can now see | you are blind


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2008 4 March :: 11.07pm

i've been thinking far too much lately.

you are blind


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2008 27 February :: 8.56pm

RIP grandma.

September 11, 1919 - February 25, 2008.

1 can now see | you are blind


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2008 14 February :: 10.01pm

john rinka is the sweetest boy ever.
he took me downtown to a restaurant on the riverfront...
it was right at sunset, and the outside seating was heated.

this is the first valentine's day i've spent with a boy,
and i had such a wonderful time.

i love him.

you are blind

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