Layout By: Lyts!


friends | profile | guestbook

What it took to build me, wasn't enough to kill me.

recent entries | past entries

:: 2012 25 September :: 10.32 am
:: Mood: angry

just want to bash my face off a glass table x4,567 times.
Just want it to stop, just want it to be alright. want to stop this.
that black tide is driving me nuts.

Send me Your love

:: 2012 16 July :: 8.13 pm
:: Mood: okay

I haven't been on here in forever, forever is a long time so I don't think it has been that long.. but it sure does feel like a good bit of time.
I totally forget all the codes for this, and for anything on the internet in that matter. I am here to update on my life, to get things out.. and possibly re-connect or make new friend<3

I am a mother of 2 little girls who depend on me in this shitty world I'm doing the best I can, all though some days it can be a little stressful, they always reassure me of how much love they can give. I haven't had it easy, Left my ex after a love-hate relationship of 4 yrs for somebody new, I felt like a wet puppy sitting along side the dark sidewalks as the world acted as the street lights in the dark. I Really didn't know if I could make that step of leaving.. It just wasn't right, not working out.. I was tired of the mess I always had to clean up.. But I did get a beautiful little girl out of such a terrible time. I obviously met someone new, we spent 2 years together before saying I do .. I love him and everything he does for this family. And I got another blessing, another little girl. It's been 3 years of happiness, but of course as I wander if it's normal too think of the past and be thankful for where I am today? even if I miss or I should say reminisce on everything I have endured. I sometimes often wonder how things could have been, what would have happened... I snap out of that funk as soon as a bad memory comes about and some days I will sit by myself, asking.. do I deserve what I have even if I have, or questioned? but like I said, I got 2 beautiful girls. :)
I battle with mental illness so everyday is a struggle. but they keep me going, even when I want to give up.
Right now I'm 23, its crazy realizing I've had this account since high school if not middle school? my old best friend actually introduced me, glad she did but sorry that I have not kept up.. A lot has happened.. like any ones life.. but I have lost a good amount of friends. Some for good reasons and others I have no idea? maybe it was best that way.. or it comes with age. I literally talk to probably 6 people and most live in my house lol.. I've grown up a lot too, but I'm still not a homeowner ;)

Send me Your love

:: 2010 16 November :: 8.45 pm
:: Mood: angry

JUST RANTING AND PUTTING IT OUT THERE! --I hate when a certain someone plays the "Worlds GREATEST Dad" role, when you only show your kid off for show if you're going somewhere or have company.. And usually when its your turn to spend time with her, you don't spend any time with her what-so-ever.. the girlfriend has her the majority of the time for various reasons such as work or you're sleeping, then when the gf isn't there you call me acting like a lunatic because you can't "handle" her, whats there to handle? shes your daughter too!! Doesn't give you an excuse to be mean to her either! she tells people!!! but boy oh boy, when an event comes up and you need to play house and dress up you're the first flipping person to fight for her, aren't ya? Then I get shit thrown in my face when your mad because I left your stupid ass and you chose not to see her, you rather of went to the bar and did whatever else you were doing, when I know, you know and the good Lord knows I tried to set up visitations but you chose other shit AND people know I tried!.. EVEN WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER YOU SAT YOUR ASS.. ON MY COUCH, EATING ALLLLLL MY FOOD AND PLAYED VIDEO GAMES THE WHOLE TIME, had to beg you to cut the grass or do something around the house or PAY ATTENTION TO OUR DAUGHTER! when you played Call of Duty or whatever it was you would freak out if she got in front of the freaking tv!.......But yeah! had to beg you to please make an effort so everyone in my family or friends wouldn't think you were a bum! and it took a year and a half to get you too work including when we first met! note you hated to shower too, had to beg that freaking shit too. AND LETS BUST OUT the fact you had stank ass women, playing phone games on MY PHONE THAT I PAYED FOR, monthly. get your funky A$$ outta here, I am heated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and THANKS FOR LETTING MY DAUGHTER GO TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS MOTHERS HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING THIS YEAR! even though you'll be working! what the hell is the point? she should be with ME if you gotta work!!! can I get a DUH? lmao. ugh.

Send me Your love

:: 2009 11 December :: 11.52 am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: sponge - plowed.

I hate being fat. fat fat fat..
its horrible, i feel terrible 99.9% of the time.
I've never been this huge. EVER. i wish i was at my goal weight, which is * 145lbs... FML

Send me Your love

:: 2009 17 January :: 3.06 pm
:: Mood: determined

A lot has been taking place lately, recently moved from bentleyville to weedville..its about 3 1/2 hours away and i miss my friends and family so much. I have family up here but my mother isn't here, which really sucks..she doesn't get to see elise and i don't get to see my sister, Brianna who is 5 1/2 years old..time flys! wow.
I don't really have any friends anymore, i'm a bum who goes on the internet looking for conversation and i feel pitiful sometimes, i just miss being younger when there was no worries, nothing to stand in my way.. I had loads of friends and fun.. but all that is over now, its more reality.. it did just me for the better though, and i love being a mother.
Sometimes i just feel so alone.
Few of my old friends had or is having a baby, and i'm delighted for them i wish them all the best, we all grow up, some just faster than others.
Have you ever wanted to go back into the past? if its just to change somethings or just re-live it? i do to an extent of course, my situations would have been better and decisions of course; more wiser.
I'm jobless for the time being all though i did put applications in, everyone is losing there jobs, getting laid off or getting the hours cut.. Its hard for everyone anymore, the economy is bad.. "Barack Obama" isn't going to make anything any better though.. BUT we will see. hmm.
Lance has a ajob so hes supporting myself and our darling, beautiful child, Elise Renee whom is now a year old. Were doing the best we can and doing it well.. We are so blessed and wouldn't change it any other way. I won't lie i miss a lot of things, but change is good, ya know?
I want to move back to Washington Co., but we will see later in time right now we need to get our priorities straight, in which is coming along great!
We live in a big 4bedroom, 2bathroom white house.. old as hell from 1919 but its cool for now..

I think my cat is pregnant her belly is so big, so of course i cater to her i know what its like to be miserable and tired..big fat cow syndrome. lol

had a puppy gave it to a better home, couldn't really afford the cute little things..he was a black lab mixed with american cute i tell ya, i wish him and his new family the best!

had a chocolate siamese cat..he sprayed everywhere out of pure jealously so he got a new home fast! and i didn't want a single penny for him, great house cat.. just wanted the best for him as well.. so its just
elise, lance, myself and bailey(female cat)
were getting by just fine.

i am on a mission to loose this flab and i will continue to do so until something changes in my weight, i'm really pushing myself and it needs to be done.. I'm sick and tired of feeling gross.. i want to be sexy! i look good but i want to be "fine" lol, i'm such a tard.

trying every diet on this planet nothing works for me but i WILL find something!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm determined.
Because i am tired of myself and seeing all these other chicks who give weight loss a bad name. My minds at ease and my spirit is high, i can do this, I WILL DO THIS.

thanks for reading.

Send me Your love

:: 2008 4 April :: 8.16 am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Baby Mozart. on tv.

Well i had my daughter she was due jan 9th, but came about jan 2nd 8:59am
i'm very happy.. shes 3months now, and shes precious. i love her so much.. she has changed me for the good! and Lance is a great father; so together were a great family. i love both of them and vise versa. Lance started his new job almost 3 weeks ago, i love it.. so he gets paid today! i'm excited to finally have money i have being to poor.. but what sucks is he drives alot and is hardly home.. he works 3am to 1pm sometimes 4pm. i miss makin him breakfast lol. oh well, money money money, gotta pay bills, i plan not to work for awhile i don't trust noone with an infant as of what i always see on the fucking.. tv.. news.. ugh.
i'm on alli, i'm trying to lose weight, i only like 4 lbs so far.. and like 2 inches.. of course i need more. before i got pregnant i was 5'5 and 158 lbs or something, and now i'm atleast more than at lol.. and i liked that weight i was sooo happy! but of course, it was worth it i got my little girl Elise Renee, aw.
but yes! i need to take it off.. i'm trying, i'm having a party tomorrow night, elise is going to grandma's wooo! i'll miss her, but i can't wait to make jello shots..
anyways thats all i'm reporting.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Send me Your love

:: 2007 24 December :: 1.23 pm
:: Mood: anxious

X-mas EVE!
Merry Christmas! And Have A Happy New Year!

nothing to report today, except for i cleaned all day LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY. ugh.
and the baby is moving ALOT. it's so uncomfortable, i want to cry sometimes, shes to big to be squirming around lol.. but i guess it's a matter of time!?!?!??!

1 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2007 23 December :: 11.11 am
:: Mood: busy

December 23rd
I haven't been able to sleep great lately.. i'm 37+weeks and the baby was in head down position, now she's breech i think because my sides are wider due to her turning .. i hope she goes back to where she was it was so odd for her to change so late in pregnancy!?
i just hope everythings alright.. i'm getting nervous and excited lol
it shouldn't be to much longer, because i'm due January 9th anyways, so anywhere from now til then or sometime after Elise Renee Rogers will arrive to a Washington County Hospital near YOU! LOL.
other than being 9 months, i haven't been up to diddly squat, just cleaning and re-arranging and putting things up and getting things ready for Christmas on tuesday.. I'M GEEKED. i act like a little girl still when it comes to the holidays :)

i'm lonely sometimes, i never really do anything but inside stuff that needs done to the apartment, we still have no luck on finding a place to move into yet.. but we didn't give up searching.

i wish i had more friends, or atleast i wish some people would come around more.. i never see anyone, and i don't know if it's them or me?
i don't mind doing stuff but i grew up alot over the past couple of years, and matured WAY MORE than i was 10 months ago, life isn't all about getting drunk and finding some way to be high or have a good time.
i have more going on in my life now than i ever did.. and it's a GREAT change for me.
probably after the baby i might have a drink or 2 but not til i know i'm ready, and i don't think thats right after she comes.. so i'll wait alittle bit, but i know i need something lol i've been stressed out for MONTHS.

sometimes i get help with things and other times i don't. Me and lance are doing fine we get along and there's days when we don't but that isn't abnormal because everyone bickers and argues sometimes, i feel a relationship isn't a healthy one without it, because then you'd be quiet all the time and some things would never be expressed and just kept in to dwell on.. we get bored though due to nothing in PA is fun lol!! but were in love and it makes me happy; he makes me smile everyday and every hour.
he's truly my bestfriend.

Jena should be coming back soon, it's almost january!! i hope me and her hang out more when she comes home.. when we were younger we were tight as a noose lol. so i hope to get that back or atleast some awesome new memories n shit :)

well that's it for today i gotta get dressed and the laundry loaded up, going to the laundry mat, WOOOOO!

Send me Your love

:: 2007 30 September :: 3.28 pm
:: Mood: bored

I still don't know what i'm having.
i'm 25+ weeks
and it sucks! everytime i go to have an ultrasound the baby crosses he or she's legs. err. makes me mad! but it's cute.
i want to know so bad.. so i'm tryin to get one more ultrasound in.. wish me luck? hehe.

but nothing new has been going on
just been cleaning the house and cookin/bakin
also being bored. found out a couple more of my friends are pregnant. its so cute to hear it from someone else other than me, LOL i feel fat! so now people can have a belly with me! haha even though i'm much more farther than they are besides my cousin Christina, she's due 2 days before me. don't ask how that happened. we didn't plan it LoL.

me and lance are trying to find another place.
up here its like everyone is noisey and knows your business. so much drama is involved everywhere; so i really don't wanna stay here long.

OOH! i got my butt into gear; i started my G.E.D classes so i can get my diploma. YAY HAHAHA i only go 2 times a week, but i'm more advanced than the others so i could possibly take my test very soon. WOOP WOOP.

thats it for now really.
much luv

Send me Your love

:: 2007 13 August :: 7.11 pm
:: Mood: worried

I'm fucking depressed.

i just don't know what to do.
better yet i don't how to feel.
i just don't want to feel this, of what i'm feeling.

1 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2007 10 August :: 9.55 pm
:: Mood: okie
:: Music: 'through glass' is on right now lol

went to the doctors for my sonogram, we couldn't see between the legs. but i got to see my baby move about. and gave me a wave lol! :)
everythings going okay, i'm going fishing tomorrow, hopefully i catch something HUGEE hah. i want to win some money, :p
cleaned the other day, and had to do it again today, gheesh and we don't do nothing! haha, i've had energy.. so i guess that's good cause shit gets done.
eee i'm blabbing..

Send me Your love

:: 2007 23 July :: 9.06 pm
:: Mood: hmm.

life is changing.
sometimes i don't know if it's for the worst or the best.
everyday life is a struggle; everythings a struggle anymore.
i remember back when nothing mattered and i didn't have a care in the world except for me playing by myself or sitting with my mom. to hanging out with friends; home every night. to being 18 and pregnant and living on my own. Now don't get me wrong it's a good change but scary. I still have some mending to do and some patching up on my life. I'm trying my damnest here.
I don't have many friends just a short few and it's like i'm not close to any of them, and i understand everyone got there own thing going on and what not and i'm happy for them all. I Just miss back when, ya know?
from late night eating to driving around or walking around, drinking and just having fun to making sure my electric doesn't get shut off and having to pay a phone bill & what not. I sure do miss them days, but without them days i wouldn't of met the greatest people i know. and ONCE AGAIN that's a select few. and i wouldn't of met the man of my life. i'm happy now.. sometimes i think i made out okay so far. and if not everyone falls but gets back up, right? lol

Send me Your love

:: 2007 12 July :: 10.07 pm

i feel bloated today, just like lastnight.
and the feeling has yet to go away,.
i've been pretty emotional.
and all i did today was sit around and earlier i watched Gab for alittle bit. (my friend Jena's daughter) shes precious.
other than that giant eagle and i just drank koolaide and watched re-runs of greys anatomy. i just don't feel well today. i feel like complete shit.


1 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2007 7 July :: 8.28 am
:: Mood: sad&pissed

i'm honestly hurting inside.
lastnight was awful. its just ripping me apart.
i never do anything wrong.
and then this morning. it just doesn't get better.

Send me Your love

:: 2007 30 June :: 10.09 am

lastnight was cool i guess.
we finally got alittle bit of money so that took tension off the bills being payed and what not. and a little extra for whatever. its nice. i hate being so poor :(
he bought himself a case of beer (my boyfriend) and basically got drunk and smoked. we had some company, doug and hoagie came twice. then ben and some crackwhore came to buy some green off Lance. ben smoked alittle with me.
i know i should stop but i smoked all day yesterday; i kinda needed it i've just been so down and stressed and everything, just needed something for my nerves. cause trust me if i could drink i would LoL.

9 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love | Random Journal