godessalthena
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2023 12 November :: 7.23am
don't want to make any announcements, but some big news is in the works.
just don't want to jinx it.
working at the craft store has been such a fun experience! I love getting to do a bunch of different things, being active at my job, the discount is amazing. my coworkers.... all much younger than me, stoned at work all the time, baby faced complainers. but as long as I just put my head down and stay on task shit just feels right.
I know our how will be cut after the holidays, but I am hopeful that maybe I'm valuable enough to keep around. if not, that's fine too.
1 brave word |
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godessalthena
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2023 18 October :: 12.52pm
"i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love"
-e.e. cummings
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godessalthena
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2023 17 September :: 1.41pm
everything is going so well
so why do I feel my soul imploding
my whole life no one ever wanted to listen to me, trust me, have faith in me.
how do I earn those things? I am at the end of my rope.
1 brave word |
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godessalthena
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2023 6 September :: 8.11am
my husband and I have been trying to conceive
I've had at least 2 chemical pregnancies. it's been heartbreaking, and difficult not to think there's something wrong with me.
but since I am considered geriatric in terms of womanhood, it will probably be a very difficult journey.
not sure I'm ready, but my husband is the most amazing man in the world and with his support I feel like I can accomplish anything.
1 brave word |
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godessalthena
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2023 19 August :: 7.01am
it's all burning down.
and I'm going up in smoke right with it.
I can't express the depths like I can't express these breaths.
I am a fundamentally damaged person, and maybe I'm broken completely?
what good am I, anyway..?
2 brave words |
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godessalthena
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2023 24 July :: 2.45pm
been sitting back and watching the flux of the universe
ebbing and flowing, bringing bounty and ruin
through the chaos, bubbles form in the matter
sparking a sense of organization and meaning once lost on me
despite the constant flood of bad news and terroristic acts, my heart has found a raft in his love
weather beaten and storm torn, I still feel stunning and resolute when his baby blues rest lovingly upon my corpulent frame
I just want to be better every day to make him proud of me, because I want to be proud of me, because I believe in the him that believes in me
we are all living on a spiral, and instead of out, I am lovingly spiraling up
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godessalthena
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2023 7 July :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
I am now a Mrs! we eloped on Tuesday because the small group we invited to the ceremony started getting very... selfish? so we just did our own thing. we had sushi at our favorite restaurant and everyone got along and had a beautiful time.
the fire pit and patio are huge successes!! we have had 4 fires so far, and I just can't get enough toasted marshmallows. our butterfly garden is starting to really take off, but some critter keeps coming in at night trying to fuck shit up!
also finally losing weight. my last day at work is the 14th and I already feel like this huge weight is lifted off my back....
next on the agenda... buy a house so my disabled friend can live in it and get out of the shitty section 8 housing complex she is stuck in. this has been a dream for a very long time, and my partner is completely on board with the idea. having an actual partner who always meets me at least halfway is just... remarkable.
I didn't think life could feel this good. I just hope it's not short lived. I know this marriage will take a lot of work, but he's worth it.
I could just pop, so happy.
3 brave words |
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godessalthena
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2023 26 May :: 10.27pm
life is a rollercoaster ride that you are either too short or too tall for.
my heart is the fullest it's ever been. I finally feel optimistic for the future. I finally see there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
plans for a hummingbird garden and a fire pit are coming together. the big day is set for the end of next month. I can't believe this is real life. I feel stupid for waiting so long to reach out, but I love the whirlwind I'm wrapped up in.
1 brave word |
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koalalady
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2023 7 May :: 12.53pm
- can't have effective gun control laws, innocent lives aren't worth protecting
- can't protect the legal right to abortions, women can't be trusted to make their own decisions
- can't go back to school to pursue a new degree, school is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too expensive
- can't afford to go keep going to therapy, insurance doesn't cover it
Things I can do:
- save for retirement
- put effort and time into my rock band
- creative writing exercises
- help my dad get a better life
- keep singing in my community choir
- block my mother and move on with my life
- try out for a community theatre show
- yoga and punching bag workouts (making a big difference!)
- limit alcohol consumption (making a big difference!)
- text my friends back (good for mental health)
- play video games (fun)
- keep working on this interfaith coalition for reproductive justice
Yes the first list sucks and there's a lot wrong with the world, but the second list is keeping me going. I'm not going to roll over and die because of the first list. I'm going to keep fighting.
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koalalady
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2023 28 April :: 2.51pm
Rehearsal last night was a blast. I think I'm in! We have another rehearsal next Thursday. I'm pretty stoked for this.
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koalalady
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2023 26 April :: 10.57am
Ah - it still stings, how much I miss you.
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koalalady
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2023 12 April :: 6.36pm
I booked a rehearsal with an alt rock band based out of Raleigh! Here's the set list I get to prep:
Valerie - Amy Winehouse
Everywhere - Fleetwood Mac
Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
Linger - The Cranberries (Lake Street Drive version)
I sent them some old performance videos and recorded a very low-effort version of "Valerie" and they liked it enough to invite me out for rehearsal. I'm pretty excited!
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koalalady
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2023 30 March :: 2.49pm
:: Mood: a little nervous
A girl walks into an OBGYN and says, "Hey Doc, I'm looking for a man who can tie me up."
Had some tests done at the doctor today. Waiting for the results to come back on Monday. Kinda worried about how much I drank in my 20s and hoping I didn't do any long-term damage...so they did some bloodwork and labs and we'll see what happens. Next week I have an appointment with an allergist, a cardiologist, and a consultation for getting my tubes tied. Trying to stay calm and not get too anxious about it.
3 brave words |
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koalalady
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2023 23 March :: 8.40am
I'm back to checking Craigslist for musician want ads. I'm back to coffee in the morning and checking my plants. It's a new day! I love you all, my mostly silent little community!
4 brave words |
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