2016 1 August :: 8.40 pm
I got my tubes tied July 14th, 2016 :)
I've been reluctant to post about this on facebook...but am happy and excited to have made the permanent decision to not have children that are biologically mine. Many females grow up always knowing that they one day want to have children, I grew up the opposite (knowing I never wanted children that were biologically mine). I've struggled with the idea for some time now, often wondering what was wrong with me, what people would think? What my family would think? Was I a broken human for not wanting something we are programmed to make? etc. The closer I am to my surgery date the more confident I grow in my decision. I no longer care what people think, or feel as though I have to justify my choice (you know... the choice I, an adult, am making about MY body). It's extremely freeing and I am grateful to have the support of my wonderful family and friends. <3
The statement I'm faced with most is "But you're so young, what if you meet someone, you'll change your mind" ... a) I've been pushing to have this since I was 18 (it is not just a spur of the moment thing) b) If I ever met someone who didn't want me because I didn't want children, they are defiantly not the right person for me. c) Adoption is a thing.
I don't typically post stuff like this, but am just feeling it today. Negative comments or disagree with my decision? Politely gtfo.]
Save my sanity
2016 1 August :: 8.23 pm
& all I want & all I need;
I've been really struggling lately, battling my inner demons.
I have always had difficulties fitting in, and even as an adult, that is no exception.
Lately I've been really struggling with my self perception, identity and self worth. I've never had good self perception or worth, my self esteem has never been above par and tends to hover on the non existent line.
I try really hard, to stay active, to create peace, to savor the little things. But lately, something is missing. And it's really causing me to criticize my wants, needs, aspirations, etc. for awhile I thought I was on a good path to figuring out more about those aspects but currently and often I just feel empty.
Unworthy, is a term that frequents my negative self talk, among other things.
I hope that one day it isn't so hard anymore. Because I'm really trying.
Save my sanity
2016 6 April :: 5.22 pm
In regards to a writing...
I meant to reply to this after you first asked me...sorry itís taken me so long. And I honestly wish I had a better answer as to what intrigued me so, or that I could better express how your writings make me feel. Unfortunately I am not the most articulate person, and get easily frustrated trying to convey emotions. Itís also notable that I am also easily moved by eloquently put words, although certain things speak volumes to me much more than others.
Your first piece really resonated with me on several levels. I too, often struggle to open up, even to myself, let alone others. I crave simplicity, in my needs and wants and being, but I struggle immensely defining those most of the time. I feel like many fractions of a whole, and get overwhelmed thinking about the vastness of the world and its complexities, never mind the people in it. One thing you said...
ďthat self-hatred was so deeply ingrained in my mind that it then became something purely my ownĒ
That almost brings me to tears, because I feel it so deeply. And even though most people experience it, it is still such a singular thing, something that is truly your own.
Even though I feel like Iím constantly evolving, itís almost as if Iím becoming more confused about who I am, what I want and need as a person. Yet Iím so bent on becoming ďhappy and wholeĒ first with myself, that I leave little room to allow people into my life on any sort of remotely involved basis. And I wonder, if that is even attainable, or have a set myself up for lifelong sabotage, like I so often do.
You say the idea of revealing the core of yourself to others is alien now? That is both heartbreaking and hopeful, because at least in some small way does that not give you a sense of knowing and grounding within yourself, the fact that you have at least some sense of what that would mean to you?
I think what strikes me most, is not only the feelings it brought out for me and the fact that I feel as though I can relate, but more so having to reply to it means looking at myself in such a way that is so foreign to me. Iím at the point where I wish I could say more, but canít formulate the words. I can say, that I am so happy and grateful you shared that beautiful aspect of your soul, I definitely admire that.
Your second writing just really appealed to my kinky side, definitely drooling over words, whether or not you intended it to be that way. I wish my brain could appreciate it more for its depth, but alas, I am only human.
Save my sanity
2016 21 February :: 10.52 pm
The ordinary rhythms and appearances of life, however innocuous or pleasant, were far from the truth of human existence.
Save my sanity
2015 14 October :: 11.50 pm
Post yoga class:
Jodi: Did she hit a dong at the end of class?
Holly: *stares quizzically*
Jodi: yeah, I was just laying there wondering why she hit a dong
Holly: ...its called a gong...
*commence some of the best belly laughs in years*
Oh I love you
Save my sanity
2015 13 September :: 11.23 pm
In a world full of uglieness;
Friday felt good, relatively normal, excited for the weekend, the usual. Fast forward to Friday night and for whatever reason my mental state shifted drastically. I wasn't particularly sad per say, but certainly felt self destructive, to a point that is relatively foreign to me. I ended up slicing up my upper thigh pretty good, cutting, something I've only done several times in my life. Typically I have an aversion to self inflicted pain. But at the moment it felt right. Nothing triggered it, it was just another way to cope. The physical overshadowed the mental. Thankfully, afterwards, a friend picked me up and we spent some time at the beach just staring at stars, reveling in the vastness of the ocean. We needed up hanging out until 5am, something absurd for me but something I also needed in that moment.
The next day I awoke late, no better off than how I felt before plus feeling silly and ashamed of my actions, even being the only person who knows.
I walked Molls and contemplated going to a dungeon party. Finally I figured I'd put on a brave face and just go. I went for dinner with J & R, and we met at the party after. We ended up doing a scene together in which they co-topped me. It ended up being a really good night with good people and good energy. I am in turn glad I went.
Today R; C and I went to the needle dojo; where I both topped and bottomed needles for the first time. There was a small group of about 12 and I couldn't have asked for a more relaxed/welcoming environment for both those first expierence.I left feeling completely blissed out from the endorphine rush of both topping and bottoming and felt exceptionally proud considering I used to have an extremely severe needle phobia.
While I'm always sad for the weekend to end, this weekend has been filled with exceptional kinky; boundary pushing fun. Thus making the switch back to vanilla land tomorrow all the more less enjoyable.
Give it to me baby.
Save my sanity
2015 9 September :: 10.53 pm
& take all your princesses bitch I am Bowser.
Hold the fuck up a minute... I do me, I've always done me, I will continue to do me, and me does not need you.
Save my sanity
2015 3 September :: 9.06 pm
So turn me on, you set me free.
I had an exceptionally productive day. Woke early, went to aqua-fit, had a really good counseling session, worked the afternoon and finished the night of with a yoga class.
Now I'm trying to distract myself from the drop I usually get after a good day.
Bath, book, bed are in order.
Save my sanity
2015 30 August :: 9.15 pm
Can't you save me.
I can't exactly say I had a good day, it was good in the sense that I got a lot done... I went to an aquafit class this morning for the first time ever, drove out to Sooke and went to China beach with Greg, took Molls along the gorge. Productive in the sense that I got out and did things. But none if it seems to effect my emotional state. I'm struggling. I had a good talk with my mom tonight, I've been reluctant to tell her how I've been feeling; I don't want to worry or burden her, but it's to the point she needs to know. And she is amazing, as always. I'm so lucky and blessed to have her, I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. But I've been suffering a long time now, and its getting to me.
Save my sanity
2015 29 August :: 10.49 pm
Obliteration never looked so divine.
I do not live in this world, I just merely exist.
Struggling to find balance, myself, hope, strength, clarity, peace, reason, any reason or desire to live.
Save my sanity
2015 25 August :: 9.58 pm
You run away, cause I am not what you found.
I so desperately want change, and I'm trying my damndest.. to take the steps, to be the change I want to see, to see the bigger picture, but I'm so stuck inside my own head, my own hate, my own fear, that I can't see a light at the end of this tunnel.
I dont know how or why this hatred and disgusting vision of my self and self worth came to be...but somewhere the seed was planted, and its festered into something that is so beyond me, so beyond my capacity or ability to even consider otherwise. Its not important what started it, although I can speculate, but the importance lies in the desire to change. How do you let go of a lifetime of hate? I've never felt worthy, important, smart, capable, strong, on a fundamental level and superficially its even worse. I'm fat, ugly, short, freckled, my hairs too thin, face too long, I have cellulite and stretch marks, my boobs aren't big or perky enough. I dislike ever single cell in my body. I exercise, I eat well, I receive compliments from friends and strangers; nothing anyone can say makes any difference. Because if I dont like me, how can I believe anyone else would? This hatred is real, its deep, its ruthless and its mine.
This is what I deal with every day, every waking moment, like a constant nagging in the back of my mind. I have conversations in my head, in attempts to battle these demons. I've tried and do try every skill I've learned to fight this, and while I do not give up, every failed attempt makes me fearful that I won't ever get out of this distorted "selfception".
I am my own worst enemy.
Save my sanity
2015 23 August :: 3.59 pm
Here we go again...
So I've been seeing this guy for the past few weeks... we've had some pretty deep conversation, play, sex, etc.
To set the stage, we started talking online, saw each other at a munch, ended up having tea... things went from there. We played at a party, as well as more privately a week and a half ago with a few friends.
He's in a poly relationship with his girlfriend (who has multiple partners), I have never been poly, but was willing to see where this might go, regardless of it being outside my comfort level. We talk at length about our wants/needs/comfort levels. I have an extremely difficult time opening up to people, sharing my feelings, thoughts, desires, trusting people. He pushed and pushed to get me to open up, reassuring me that I was safe, that he would not judge me, that he cared about me. The word "safe" was reiterated multiple times on multiple occasions. Finally I start to open up, I tell him my story, I tell him my crazy, I tell him about myself. I tell him my feelings for him, I tell him I'm reluctant but desperately want to try, I tell him I'm pushing comfort levels and boundaries, I'm clear about my feelings. In the past few days, it started becoming more apparent that he no longer seemed to have time for me in his life. We met up Thursday for tea, once I got there he made it clear he couldn't stay up late and I'd have to leave by 11:30. Okay, understandable. The past week his texts declined, I felt like it was becoming one sided just as quickly as we started. Last night, we had plans. He had a busy day, I went over, he didn't want to do said plans, again understandable. He makes some offside remark about "being shitty at taking time for himself", I take that as my cue to head out and let him have a night on his own. Kinda miffed but whatever. Today, he texts:
Boy: I'm sorry, I don't know what exactly to say. I like and care about you, but I'm also not feeling romantic, and I'm sorry I didn't say something last night.
Me: Okay. Can I ask what happened? changed? whatever?
Boy: It wasn't that something specific happened, or didn't happen... And I mean it when I say that I like and care about you.
I think what changed for me is, as dumb as this may sound, I feel tired. I'm run down and selfish-minded these days, and didn't realize just how much so until this weekend.
When we started talking about going and doing actual date-y things, I got a bit anxious, and couldn't figure out why right away. The moment I got it was when you and I were sitting and started talking about the beach, and I realized even that was more than I feel I have to offer, which isn't fair.
I'm feeling hurt, upset, led on, let down, vulnerable and of course internalizing everything as a personal problem.
I've been in this type of situation many times, I have a difficult time understanding if its something physical, mental, emotional, about myself or that I just rush into things. But it always seems as though there is someone better, more worth it, and I am not that person.
Of course I wish that things could have been different, and I understand you can't change how someone feels. But it hurts to be pushed to be so vulnerable and close to someone for them to turn around and trample on it. I wish he had decided this sooner, or at least not let things progress at the level and rate they did if he wasn't feeling 100%.
I'm also feeling ashamed of myself, because I was at a point where I was trying really hard to focus on myself, and I didn't want to be distracted by boys or girls or sex or any of that. I wasn't looking for someone, but then he just kind of appeared. And I was so worried about losing an opportunity for what? love? affection? a relationship? I don't know, that I let myself veer from my path. All for someone who in the end isn't worth it. And I'm left to pick up the pieces of myself, again.
I try and be guarded about the relationships I build, but when I feel a genuine connection with someone I like to imagine the possibilities. We had (what I thought) was such open, honest, good communication. He seemed to really know where he was at/what he wanted. Which is why I have a hard time believing in the past two days he just "realized" he didn't have time or energy to invest in me anymore.
Time to go fight the demons in my head. Again.
I know I should just walk away and not be the pathetic sniveling bitch but he deserved to know how he made me feel.
I'm feeling really hurt. I feel like you worked to gain my trust and constantly assured me I was "safe". I feel like I put myself out there, stepping outside my comfort zone, willing to work around you and your schedule, not asking for anything other than to be gentle with me. Giving you multiple opportunities to bow out. So to go through all that and for you to decide you don't have the time or energy for me is a pretty huge slap in the face.
You knew where I was at mentally and emotionally and you pushed me, and played on my emotions. It's hard for me to believe this just changed over the weekend, but whatever helps you sleep at night. I don't want a reply to this.
Save my sanity
2015 19 August :: 5.58 pm
I love you, I love you, and all of your pieces.
It's been almost 3 months since my dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. To say I'm having a difficult time grieving would be an understatement.
It was Monday, May 25th, about 4pm. My mom came into my work with a police officer, I knew immediately something was wrong. That entire week was a blur, my life had suddenly shifted into what felt like a new world. A world without my dad. Without the chance to say goodbye. It felt like half of me was gone. Not only that, my sister and I now had to deal with coroners, funeral homes, lawyers, notifying people, estate deals, and more. For the most part I soldiered on, knowing I just had to get through it. It hardly phased me when we went to identify his body, my only goodbye. It hardly phased me during his celebration of life. It hardly phased me going through the motions and amount of stress and responsibility that was sprung upon me. It hardly phased me, and sometimes it still doesn't. Sometimes. Other times, the overwhelming anxiety, fear, sadness I feel knowing I can never see my dad again, never talk to him, never hear his voice, see his face, no more morning facebook messages or weekly dinners. I feel hurt, I feel cheated, I feel like it isn't fair. I knew my dad would never live to be old, he didn't want to, but never did I expect this. I feel angry, at him, at others, at family. A year and a half ago he was in the hospital, his COPD had gotten so bad he almost died then. Two weeks he was in there, miserable, determined not to let this ruin him. I was there the day the doctor told him "If you do not quit smoking you will be dead within six months". Finally, I thought, he has been scared straight. Two things dad was terrified of was hospitals and dieing. It took awhile but slowly he started changing his habits; he was on oxygen for a month after he got out of the hospital (another grim reminder). He started walking, and as of March 2014 he was walking over an hour and a half a day (sans oxygen). Then in June he went back to Manitoba, his family is from there. He loved it out there, fishing, hanging out with his family, go on trips, truly enjoying life. It didn't take long for him to pick up smoking again, at first the effects of his COPD far less prevalent than before. But by the time he got back to Victoria in the beginning of May his health was clearly declining. He could no longer walk the length of the dock without having to stop because he couldn't breath. He was (as he always had) overusing his inhalers. All the while, unbeknownst to me, still smoking. I confronted him on it and he came up with some excuse that I was foolish enough to believe. I didn't want to believe he was going to go through this again. The few days before he died several people, myself included, had offered to take him to the hospital. He hummed and hawed over the thought, knowing he should go but quite frankly being to scared that he'd have to spend another two weeks in there. Around 9pm on Sunday the 24th we were texting a bit, talking about game of thrones. The corner says he passed away between 10 and 1, the last message he sent was to me, and in that I find some sort of solace. One of the things I struggle most with is knowing that he would have known he was dieing, he would have been terrified, and that thought makes me sick. When they found him, it had looked like he'd been on his hands and knees. When I went to collect his items out of his room, I noticed his puffer was knocked down beside his bed, in that moment it was clear that he had struggled. He had been reaching for his inhaler, dropped it and couldn't pick it up. He would have known at that moment it was the end.
I find it difficult to connect with people, I don't have any friends who have lost a parent at a pivotal time in their lives. I felt like I would have been more prepared to loose a grandparents, or my cat... yes it would be devastating and upsetting, but knowing they lived full, happy lives, is more than anything I could ask for.
In the end, it pains me to know he wasn't willing to quit smoking, and wasn't willing to go to the hospital. If he wouldn't do that, the outcome was inevitable. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel like anyone should have or could have done more, in the end he brought this upon himself, but it has effected my life more than anything I've ever experienced.
On another note, and I know it should be expected but my mental health, which was not good to begin with, is tumbling down that slippery slope yet again. No matter how hard I try, I'm struggling now more than ever. I'm meeting with a counselor next Thursday, and hoping we click so that I can have some consistency in the professional help department.
As always, I could say so much more, but energy and focus is fighting me these days.
4 Bullets in my heads |
Save my sanity
2015 1 July :: 10.19 pm
What do you mean you don't know how you fit as a sexual being? That intrigues me tell me more.
To elaborate about not fitting in sexually
Itís not something I particularly like to talk about and it also brings up a fair amount of anxiety and general upset; Partially because I struggle with it and partially because Iím still unsure what causes or triggers itÖ that being said, I am sure it is beneficial to talk about, even if I donít fully understand/canít explain it.
The easiest way to explain would be to say my libido is bipolar. I go through long periods (sometimes weeks, but usually months) with no desire for any sort of sexual or non-sexual contactÖwhich I guess I would label as low libido or asexual periods depending on how its definedÖAlternated with periods of hyper sexuality. I canít anticipate when/what/how long either stage will last and it is not typically a gradual change either. Both the low libido and hyper sexuality stages tend to be at the opposite ends of intensity, so thereís no middle ground. As you can probably guess it causes a lot of emotional/mental stress and frustration, not to mention feeling completely ďabnormalĒ especially for my age. Itís also dramatically impacted just about every relationship Iíve had in the past 4 years.
To add to that Iím often more physically attracted to women (even though I prefer men) and would probably characterize myself as bisexual but lack the experience to confirm that. So together, all that leaves me at times confused but often just distressed, apprehensive and vulnerable.
All I can do is try and be clear of my feelings, needs and wants as they arise, which is another reason I find communication and trust super important.
Probably not the intriguing answer you would have thoughtÖ also more than I think Iíve told anyone, but again I tend to just avoid talking about it.
Save my sanity
2014 21 December :: 10.02 pm
How nice to feel nothing and still get full credit for being alive.
Save my sanity