2006 19 November :: 2.41 am
:: Mood: exanimate
Lately I've been feeling like I've been more or less watching my life as it happens instead of living it.
I'm going to try and explain this and I want to know if it's just me, or if other people feel this way..
I feel as though after things happen, they didn't really happen. Like, when I went home after seeing Good Charlotte on the 20th, the only proof that I had that it happened was my autographed shirt, my ticket stub, my merch and my memories. But I didn't feel like I was really there. But I said to myself that it was probably because I had seen Good Charlotte soooo many times that it wasn't as moving as the first time I saw them. But then I said to myself that that idea is just full of sh*it 'cause seeing GC is always moving no matter what. But it didn't feel like it this time. I then thought that maybe it's because I'm in the mindset that "They're just people too" (what I tell myself before I am or think I am going to meet famous people.. GC, Dresden Dolls..). Like, meeting them was just "whatever" for me. It's done, it's over with. It's not like they're going to remember me, or even talk to me on myspace now since we've met. They've met so many people that I'm just another number, another face in the crowd. I feel insignificant to them, like they wouldn't notice if I stopped being a fan. I know this sounds horrible, but this is how I've been feeling lately. I'll never stop being a Good Charlotte or Dresden Dolls fan, and I think meeting them has made my respect and passion for them grow that much more, but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel as though I'm just sitting in a chair, watching my body do everything, but I'm not really doing it. Like, I'm telling people how my tattoo felt when I got it done.. but I don't remember it anymore. I remember what I first told someone right after I got it, and that's what I go on to tell other people. I know that's how it felt, but I don't feel like what I'm saying is right. Even in like, math class.. I'll know the answer so I raise my hand and as soon as he calls on me I question myself and ask if 2+2 really does equals 4. (Okay, so the math isn't that simple, but that's how simple it is to me for these answers that I get) I wonder why 2+2 = 4 and not F. Or why "math" is spelled "m-a-t-h" and not "e-5-g-a". Like, what made certain letters certain letters? Why do some letters go together to make a word, and others don't? I guess you could say that I've been "beside myself" lately.. in technical terms. I feel as though the real me that's doing everything is next to me and I'm just watching. The only way to feel alive to me, is to feel pain.. physical pain. That's probably the explanation of why I have so many piercings, and the tattoo (which didn't even hurt as bad as my criss cross industrial). I don't know... there's a lot more examples but I'll stop here since I've typed too much and I need to go to bed. It's 2:30 am.
Thanks for reading this, if you did. Comments//Replies//Advice would be appreciated but not nessecary.
..you are to become a shinigami..