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:: 2006 29 November :: 1.19 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

..don't you fake it..
more taken into myself.. and my stomach aches are even coming back too. I hated this feeling then.. and I hate it even more now. I was hungry yesterday until I sat down at the table with my food. Then I felt sick. Just like when I was a freshman. If I didn't want mac and cheese so bad, I wouldn't have eaten. Tiffy came over yesterday and I had soooo much fun. I wish I could have that much fun everyday. We made pretty things and now I have lotsa bracelets. One says "FUCK" haha. <3 I work tonight 'till 10:30.. that's uaually when I try to go to bed.. so I'm going to be a zombie tomorrow, just like today.. JUST LIKE 9TH GRADE. But back then, I didn't go to bed everynight 'till like.. 3am. I hope I don't turn into that again.

Music has been fucking boring me lately. I need something WAY heavier than The Pink Spiders right now.. I want the 18 Visions CDs that I don't have (I only have Obsession, if someone wants to buy one of the others for me for xmas). And if you know any heavy bands that don't scream every line in every song, burn me a cd or something? I want something to sing to, but the shit I have is too fucking slow. Some indy-goth music would be nice. I don't know.. something more than pop-punk. I'm so BORED with everything.

I want to buy a screenprinting kit. Then I can make my own shirts. That would be nice. And I'm going to buy beads too, then I can make bracelets for Tiffy and pay her back for all the beads I took.. specially the "E"s. Hahaa


*yawn* I don't want to go to work today.. I want to go home.. get in my bed.. and not wake up until tomorrow.

"Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end" are to become a shinigami..

:: 2006 20 November :: 8.32 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Papa Roach

Yepp, it's going on myspace.. AND ON HERE!!
First off, the sad thing is that someone would go out of their way to even make this screenname. And I had been away from my computer since 5:50pm and returned at 8:00pm to see this.

It made me laugh.

You're so cute when you're ugly.

ROBhatesscheck (7:12:33 PM): hi

Auto response from Shine Suicide (7:12:33 PM):
It's in our nature to destroy ourselves
It's in our nature to kill ourselves
It's in our nature to to kill each other
It's in our nature to kill

ROBhatesscheck (7:12:45 PM): Youre fat
ROBhatesscheck (7:12:46 PM): youre ugly
ROBhatesscheck (7:12:49 PM): you suck
ROBhatesscheck (7:12:54 PM): go kill yourself
ROBhatesscheck (7:13:16 PM): zack and chris dont like you.. so stop thinking that theyre just using you
ROBhatesscheck (7:13:28 PM): youre annoying
ROBhatesscheck (7:13:46 PM): youre gay and emo
ROBhatesscheck (7:14:03 PM): rob NEVER liked you.. still dont... so stop lying about it
ROBhatesscheck (7:14:13 PM): your hair looks like shit
ROBhatesscheck (7:14:17 PM): you smell
ROBhatesscheck (7:14:21 PM): shit
ROBhatesscheck (7:14:36 PM): you have a tattoo on your fatty bulgy neck
ROBhatesscheck (7:14:49 PM): youre the only whale with legs
ROBhatesscheck (7:15:21 PM): you look like a fat smurf
ROBhatesscheck (7:15:38 PM): people are only nice to you so that you stop whining
ROBhatesscheck (7:16:03 PM): ..thats why nobody really showed up to youre party
ROBhatesscheck (7:16:16 PM): youre so strong you can drink peanut butter
ROBhatesscheck (7:16:29 PM): ..or gargle peanut butter
ROBhatesscheck (7:17:16 PM): thats why youre fish kept dying.. they were sick of your emo bullshit
ROBhatesscheck (7:17:47 PM): THATS WHY YOURE GOING TO PUT THIS ON MYSPACE...cause you have no like... or friends that care about you
ROBhatesscheck (7:18:02 PM): life*
ROBhatesscheck (7:18:04 PM): oops
ROBhatesscheck (7:18:24 PM): youre fat got in the way of my keyboard
ROBhatesscheck (7:18:51 PM): that tv show lost... YOURE making the people dissappear!!!
ROBhatesscheck (7:19:28 PM): you have more than one chin
ROBhatesscheck (7:19:47 PM): you have more chins than a chinease phone book

17 ..accepted the challenge.. | are to become a shinigami..

:: 2006 19 November :: 2.41 am
:: Mood: exanimate

Lately I've been feeling like I've been more or less watching my life as it happens instead of living it.

I'm going to try and explain this and I want to know if it's just me, or if other people feel this way..

I feel as though after things happen, they didn't really happen. Like, when I went home after seeing Good Charlotte on the 20th, the only proof that I had that it happened was my autographed shirt, my ticket stub, my merch and my memories. But I didn't feel like I was really there. But I said to myself that it was probably because I had seen Good Charlotte soooo many times that it wasn't as moving as the first time I saw them. But then I said to myself that that idea is just full of sh*it 'cause seeing GC is always moving no matter what. But it didn't feel like it this time. I then thought that maybe it's because I'm in the mindset that "They're just people too" (what I tell myself before I am or think I am going to meet famous people.. GC, Dresden Dolls..). Like, meeting them was just "whatever" for me. It's done, it's over with. It's not like they're going to remember me, or even talk to me on myspace now since we've met. They've met so many people that I'm just another number, another face in the crowd. I feel insignificant to them, like they wouldn't notice if I stopped being a fan. I know this sounds horrible, but this is how I've been feeling lately. I'll never stop being a Good Charlotte or Dresden Dolls fan, and I think meeting them has made my respect and passion for them grow that much more, but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel as though I'm just sitting in a chair, watching my body do everything, but I'm not really doing it. Like, I'm telling people how my tattoo felt when I got it done.. but I don't remember it anymore. I remember what I first told someone right after I got it, and that's what I go on to tell other people. I know that's how it felt, but I don't feel like what I'm saying is right. Even in like, math class.. I'll know the answer so I raise my hand and as soon as he calls on me I question myself and ask if 2+2 really does equals 4. (Okay, so the math isn't that simple, but that's how simple it is to me for these answers that I get) I wonder why 2+2 = 4 and not F. Or why "math" is spelled "m-a-t-h" and not "e-5-g-a". Like, what made certain letters certain letters? Why do some letters go together to make a word, and others don't? I guess you could say that I've been "beside myself" lately.. in technical terms. I feel as though the real me that's doing everything is next to me and I'm just watching. The only way to feel alive to me, is to feel pain.. physical pain. That's probably the explanation of why I have so many piercings, and the tattoo (which didn't even hurt as bad as my criss cross industrial). I don't know... there's a lot more examples but I'll stop here since I've typed too much and I need to go to bed. It's 2:30 am.

Thanks for reading this, if you did. Comments//Replies//Advice would be appreciated but not nessecary. are to become a shinigami.. | Random Journal