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|lugosi (profile) wrote, |
on 1-18-2012 at 10:00pm
|Current mood: lonely
|It is ironic that right now I feel "lonely" given that I am going to be speaking about fidelity.
When I was young, and I am talking about toddler up until I was... maybe around 11? I was of the naive frame of mind that we were all like penguins and when we met that "special someone" in our lives we would be inseparable for our whole lives.
Now that I am an adult, I realise that things in life are never as simple as my younger self thought they would be. I learned through my own folly that many times that people are not faithful as they claim to be originally.
I once dated someone who was divorced, this was not the bone of contention (the fact they had children was the issue), however this individual one wanted bragging rights that they had snared a younger individual than themselves so that people would "ooh" and "aah" at us. I was very young, too young for a relationship in my opinion, so I only count this as a "dating" experiment, this divorcee ended up returning to their ex-spouse. So essentially what happened is they both had a "break" and returned to being like penguins as though nothing happened... peculiar but fair enough.
My last ex, and this was a proper relationship, what an interesting character. Ex claimed to be pretty much identical to me with needs and wants (romantically or otherwise), but it turns out Ex was a control-freak and sexual maniac. Because I never gave Ex what they wanted they became abusive and generally unpleasant but again I am a naive person by default (although I am trying to change that to prevent this nonsense happening again!) so I went along with this despite people telling me I had family and friends to fall back who would help me, so I initiated "domestic revenge tactics" this is essentially when I go around doing things that will irk or enrage my ex; leaving the lid off the toothpaste, leaving greasy plates in the sink, throwing away their prized knife to break up "the collection", throwing away letters for them they needed to respond to... you know general little things that you can fob off as an "accident" but still piss them off.
I was scared that if I did break up with Ex that I would have to deal with threats, violence and various other unpleasantries so my reasoning was there is only so much annoyance I can cause before Ex will want rid of me. After being in the relationship for... a year and a half? We had stopped romantic contact entirely, no hugs, no kisses, no sex, nothing. Ex slept on the couch and I had the bed. But still Ex clung to the notion of merely "having" a partner, but I am can assure you right now I doubt Ex was faithful, whilst Ex told some people we were a couple (I had resigned myself as "single" because it was more we just lived together and nothing else) but told other people we were single. I am certain Ex slept around, and for the most part it did not bother me because I did not count us as "in a relationship" but Ex did for 85% of the time.
So people ask me how do I feel that my ex was a cheat, I tell them straight that I do not care in the least because really, it wasn't a relationship and eventually after a further year putting up with it (three and a half years of pure hell) Ex broke up with me! I am certain Ex had another partner already lined up but to be honest with you I was as happy as a clam just to be away from the abuse and unpleasant atmosphere.
Now, back in the "good old days" relationships seemed more stable, things seemed to last longer, I am not saying EVERY relationship lasted forever but a lot more did last than ended due to infidelity. People had standards back then and it was often the case that people promoted long, healthy and rewarding relationships. It seems as the media has shifted to glorifying sex and promiscuity that relationships are shallow and trite. Perhaps it is all to do with morals? People were more religious and God fearing in the past were they not?
I like to think I am a moral person, in fact I have a lot of people tell I am a very moralistic, I take this as a compliment, it might be traditional to think that relationships should last forever, but really, they should. You should be able to find Mr. or Miss. Right and know that you can both grow old together.
A friend of mine, who is a very nice friend of mine, has been unfaithful or, should I say, has assisted someone else to be unfaithful. I am not completely "informed" on the subject but apparently the difference is when you are unfaithful it means YOU are cheating on someone, if you assist someone else it means you are single and thus do not really have anyone to feel guilty about hurting, because really, if two people are attracted to one another they should explore this and if one of those two is with someone else then it is THEIR problem not the other person's.
I am unsure, I think that it is sort of unfair to encourage someone to cheat if they have a partner but I know that flirting seems to be generally accepted universally, it is fine to have a "harmless" flirt.
But is there such a thing as a "harmless" flirt? Surely, if people are flirting this means there is an attraction there? It might be small, but it is there, right? I mean I know for a fact I do not flirt with someone if I find them unattractive or unappealing to me in some way, I know certain sales people use flirtation as a sales tactic but again that is different when doing it for a job. But if two people are flirting with one another whilst one of them has a "significant other" that cannot be fair! Is "emotional cheating" not quite a bad thing to do in a relationship?
Another issue with flirting is when does flirtation stop, when has it gone too far? Let us use the example; if someone is in a relationship and another person is not, they are out together enjoying one another's company. They hug, generally speaking in modern day society most people greet each other with hugs, so this would be deemed acceptable in today's society. Now what if they hold hands, is this acceptable? Linking arms? Kiss on the cheek? Kiss on the lips? A friendly grope... where does it end? I mean short of full on intercourse is everything else fair game and completely acceptable?
I would not be happy if I were with someone and they went further than a kiss on the cheek, I do not mind a hug in greeting and a kiss on the cheek on in parting but anything else... to me that would be cheating, surely a lesser degree of cheating but still cheating.
What about you? Do you think there are accepted rules within a relationship? Unwritten ones perhaps that people are allowed a certain amount of leeway with flirtations, when would you count your partner as being unfaithful to you?
It is a touchy subject sadly, and I do not mean to rock any boats with it, I am just curious what other people think about it as a whole as everyone has very differing opinions on it. I also wonder why some people are happy being "The Other Woman" or "The Other Man", is that to do with just having the contact from another person or... is there something more to it?
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Personally, I have cheated, have flirted, and have been the other woman (or at least have tried to be). Now I am in a healthy relationship, no matter what drove me to do those things in that previous relationship, if I truly loved my significant other, I feel I wouldn't have been driven to being so careless with their emotions - even if they lied and cheated on me as well. If I forgave that person, I wouldn't have brought all of those things up again in fights and arguments. I shouldn't have stayed so long due not only to my self-respect, but because I was doing the same things.
Oh hello there! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply to my rambling.
Re: , 01-19-12 6:36pm
No problem. I always read the new posts on the front page. Usually to procrastinate on some work. But this one I took particular interest in because I have had so much to do with it in the past.