2013 29 January :: 6.15 pm
:: Mood: silly
You know what I find amusing?
Today in work I am in a prime position to people watch. My boss is a wonderful person to people watch because they are incredibly animated and their eyes and face give everything they are thinking away.
They often admires the "atypically" beautiful people and it is so obvious when they do it. No one else seems to notice, but because I pride myself on my observant ways I see it.
Today, imagine my surprise when I catch my boss window shopping at me!
Well I was bowled over, of course, but I was also a little bit unsettled by the fact that they saw that I saw them looking at me hungrily (as one does) and yet, did it stop the boss? No.
They kept staring at my 'goods'.
Good grief, I often think there should be an unwritten code of ethics that when someone is caught staring you admit you like what you see or you shyly apologise, instead of just blatantly continuing to stare...
Come to Me
2013 28 January :: 6.29 pm
:: Mood: okay
I do not like how absentee I am being from this place - that is most unfair of me.
Other sites like DreamWidth, LiveJournal, FaceBook and Twitter eat up far too much time and genuinely good and enjoyable little websites like this get forgotten about.
I feel so ashamed at how "modern" I am becoming.
Got myself an iPhone 5 for Christmas too - I am, of course, blaming it for my stepping into the world of technology, apps and such like...
2 Followers |
Come to Me
2012 11 August :: 7.59 am
:: Mood: crushed
I do not like being treated unfairly.
The person I have, "fallen for", likes to treat people unfairly. They will sit around all day ignoring you, rolling their eyes if you breathe too loudly or if someone else nearby finds your stupid joke hilarious this person will look at you with such disdain and scorn it is rather painful.
When they went on holiday I felt like a weight was lifted and it would have been nice to have a bit of peace from them, then it is funny is it not that when you know you will not see them again you feel crushed by that absence like an anvil on your chest?
Yesterday at work we were all told, rather bluntly you were either changing shift, or floor. The workplace had put me into a shift pattern that does not suit my lifestyle at all. I argued about this and whilst my anxiety flared like a mad person I was coherent enough to get my point across.
I got kept on my original shift, but at what cost? Well, everyone else I work with has been moved on to another floor, this includes the person I am in love with. I was gutted. Do not mistake me I still am gutted. I may never see this person again now... the small comfort I am taking from it is that maybe now that I am not their underling and we are equals they might want to consider going out with me on a date rather than using the phrase "I cannot I am your leader!"...
We will see how I survive change (which is never very well at the best of times) on Monday.... =sigh=
Come to Me
2012 7 June :: 6.03 pm
:: Mood: infuriated
I Spoke Too Soon...
When I said previously I would be posting here next time something annoyed me I did not think it would be so soon...
I confess I think that everyone in the world is a racist, or even just a little bit, some are blatant, some are not. Who is worse? I could not say or care. I know that I am certainly a little racist but it seems I am only against one certain race, I am not going to say what race as that gives too much away about me.
However, in my place of employment I sit beside an out and proud racist and we are surrounded on all sides by people of the race we both seem to hate very much. It is frustrating because I have never had a good experience with this race of people, hence my bias against them, they are rude and ignorant and every day I am sitting around them at work I realise how right I am. I have been friendly and courteous towards them, polite and everything and still they shun me and don't think I am good enough to speak to them.
Makes me wonder if perhaps they, too, are racist towards my race?
It is just becoming too much and since I've been alone recently as my colleague has been away from work on a business venture I have had no one to make me feel less racist around so I am spilling over with nasty thoughts and I don't like that about myself.
I need to try and stop it. I know people say "Deal with racism by not being racist!"... well... it does not work that way, if you have a bias or prejudice that is difficult to shift and people keep proving you right about it. It just becomes solidified in your mind and right now I am waiting to be proven wrong.
Sigh. Oh how I would love for them to surprise me, but chances are they won't.
Come to Me
2012 5 June :: 4.13 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
It is June already? We are half way through the year.
Where is the time going? I have not been very attentive in here, this is because for the most part I have been quite happy and have had nothing major to rant about. I am sure if I give it a few weeks I will find something to rant about.
Come to Me
2012 3 May :: 3.49 pm
:: Mood: geeky
Falling in love...
Is hard on the knees!
I cannot apologise enough for hardly updating here... well actually I could, I just do not want to!
The work I have at this new temporary place at least makes me feel validated somehow and I can survive and would not complain if I was made permanent. I just never have any time any more and that can be a little frustrating.
Come to Me
2012 2 April :: 8.15 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
Here is one for you... why is it you are employed somewhere that is claiming to have a "massive backlog" of things needing completed and then when you are officially employed they apologise and say there is "no work" for you to do today...
Can we see a problem here? Yes, massive backlog = no work. Hmm. Still, I am grateful I got paid for it all, but I cannot help but feel it is entirely pointless to pay temporary employees for seven hours of sitting around twiddling their thumbs.
I often wonder if it is like a grand conspiracy theory, "yes, yes employ those cretins, they will not know what has hit them when they start full time work and do nothing all day!" I tell you one thing if they are keeping folk on I do hope that I am kept because more days of doing nothing and receiving a decent wage for it five days a week I can live with.
I drank wine today for the first time in my life...
It left me with a pleasant buzz but a rather unpleasant taste in my mouth. An experience to treasure!
Come to Me
2012 30 March :: 9.12 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
End of a Week
I have never, in my whole life, understood why people have to compete and constantly do this "one-upmanship" surely there are more important things to do like your job?
In work we have a very competitive individual vying for the teacher's affections, and what is worse is that it actually works. So disappointing. I think getting by on your own hard graft and being noticed for it is more rewarding than boasting and bragging and seeking constant praise from the teacher. Plus it isolates you.
I have a smart phone, I stepped into the new century and decided to give it a go... it's not too good. It keeps doing things I don't want it to and is in bad need of being taught to listen when I give it instructions, not that I speak to my phone, of course, but I set it to do something and it does not.
How dare it defy me!
Come to Me
2012 28 March :: 6.16 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
New Job = Morons
I got a new job in a more professional environment, but by "more professional" I mean the company is a very important sort of place and I am in charge of making sure that claims made against this company are not faulty. So quite an important job, albeit a temporary one.
I am diverting from my point, why is it that people can just be so infuriatingly idiotic? There is a colleague there who is around my age (a little younger) and they act like a complete imbecile, they received 0% on one of their exams for the job and were boasting about it and acting proud, I know this is a defence mechanism (you belittle yourself first before someone else does) but he started bragging about it like it really was an accomplishment.
There are a few colleagues who refuse to shut up, you will be sitting trying to do your job (which does require a lot of concentration to make sure you don't miss any little detail) but when people are constantly talking on either side of you it becomes increasingly frustrating.
I am not there to make friends, and I appreciate I have a decent job in this economy but damn I sort of wish I was the only one in there because at least then it would be quiet and I would be able to process work without having to triple check.
Come to Me
2012 21 March :: 5.25 pm
:: Mood: restless
Cynicism and Love
I suppose I will start with "cynicism", last night whilst conversing with a friend they said to me "Lugosi, for someone your age you are very cynical, in fact I would say you possess the cynicism of someone who is forty five!" this made me chuckle but I suppose my friend's assessment of me is correct.
For someone of my age I am quite cynical, I do not walk around thinking the world is smelling of roses and that everyone is out to "help" and "love" you because really I think people are rather selfish and enjoy bettering themselves too much to concern themselves with other people's progress.
It is a rare, but wonderful, thing indeed when you find someone who genuinely cares about "you" and what you have to say.
Despite people finding me intimidating and a little stern at first, if they stick around long enough and worm their way through my rather large public barrier they find that I can be capable of great compassion, for a Lord of Darkness, that is!
A few friends had convinced me to join an internet dating site to "get a fresh perspective" on things, I lasted a week. And frankly I am surprised I lasted that long. Those places are like dens of inequity for the sex-crazed loons you do not want to be around at bars! The amount of times I felt my eye twitching or my face cringing when I received appallingly written messages or just flat out weird ones. "Hi sxy, hw r u?" "Hewwo" "sup"...
'My God,' I would think to myself 'What is wrong with these people? Were they too poor to attend school on a regular basis? Do they have brain damage?' it is most off putting if someone does not make the effort to converse with me or give me something to go on. I had taken the time to write quite a lengthy profile and include some decent pictures of myself on it. The amount of times people asked "whts ur fave movie?" I would let out an exasperated sigh and say if they had bothered to read my profile they would see I had listed at least ten favourite FILMS, that I enjoyed.
After a week of this sort of nonsense and correcting people's grammatical errors I decided to just delete myself off of the dating world and continue on in reality. Oh I have strayed from my point; a friend of mine had also joined one of the dating sites, I assume that the experience is very different for women and men, but I cannot be sure.
My friend is female, she had been on this site before and a man who registered not long after her had rejected her invitation for a date. Today (several months later) he messaged her saying he liked her profile and would like to go grab a coffee. My friend in her excitement showed me his picture...
You know that noise you make when you inhale loudly through gritted teeth, it almost sounds like steam escaping from a hole in a pipe? I made that noise and in the most polite tone I could muster I replied "Oh, I think he looks like a bit of a dick who loves himself too much and will treat you poorly... plus who in their right mind posts a topless picture of themselves of a dating site? Other than completely vain morons who think they have an amazing body. His face is not much to look at either, massive forehead, close together beady eyes and a wonky jaw and according to his profile he does not hold a command over the English language well enough to be with you... Not the sort I expected for you, my friend!" she laughed and said I was being too cynical about this and that I will sing a different tune when she texts me to tell me how marvellous the date went.
So today rolls along and I am out for a nice long walk enjoying the spring time weather and my phone signals me that I have a text message, guess what? That Neanderthal stood her up. I did my best not to rub salt in the wounds and told her some silly jokes and various other things to make up for it but all the while I was saying "I told you so" in my mind.
Now on to my issue... The person I have become rather attached to is currently seeing someone, there is also quite an age gap to contend with (but age has never been an issue with me in the slightest, I tend to enjoy the company of people a bit older than myself) and of course I do not really know how this person feels for me, I would never break them up from their relationship nor would I even let them know how I feel, but the damn bitter sweet pain is rather cumbersome. Oh what to do? I suppose just go along at my pace, enjoy the feelings I have but keep them to myself until this person confesses undying love to me (doubtful) or becomes single (also doubtful).
Loveless, thy name is Lugosi!
Come to Me
2012 14 March :: 8.09 pm
As expected, I did indeed lose my job last month (February), but I was offered a pathetic four hour contract (per week) in another company, so I have been very slowly working my way up to getting a job else where as clearly this company is not doing too well.
Although in fairness all I ever read or see on the news is that companies are failing so it really is just a big mess out there.
In other news I am in love! Oh you may well scoff, I do too, the Master of Darkness, in love? What nonsense. There is a slight hitch though...
The object of my affections has someone and has had someone for a very long time, naturally I will keep my emotions to myself, I do not go through life being called stoic for nothing.
I actually feel pretty bad that I have avoided here for so long, but it has been rather hectic applying for jobs, trying to find new jobs, trying to not murder any of my colleagues, reading books...
I have quite a lot on my mind, it is all building up, so I will be ranting about that heavily tomorrow.
2 Followers |
Come to Me
2012 18 January :: 10.00 pm
:: Mood: lonely
It is ironic that right now I feel "lonely" given that I am going to be speaking about fidelity.
When I was young, and I am talking about toddler up until I was... maybe around 11? I was of the naive frame of mind that we were all like penguins and when we met that "special someone" in our lives we would be inseparable for our whole lives.
Now that I am an adult, I realise that things in life are never as simple as my younger self thought they would be. I learned through my own folly that many times that people are not faithful as they claim to be originally.
I once dated someone who was divorced, this was not the bone of contention (the fact they had children was the issue), however this individual one wanted bragging rights that they had snared a younger individual than themselves so that people would "ooh" and "aah" at us. I was very young, too young for a relationship in my opinion, so I only count this as a "dating" experiment, this divorcee ended up returning to their ex-spouse. So essentially what happened is they both had a "break" and returned to being like penguins as though nothing happened... peculiar but fair enough.
My last ex, and this was a proper relationship, what an interesting character. Ex claimed to be pretty much identical to me with needs and wants (romantically or otherwise), but it turns out Ex was a control-freak and sexual maniac. Because I never gave Ex what they wanted they became abusive and generally unpleasant but again I am a naive person by default (although I am trying to change that to prevent this nonsense happening again!) so I went along with this despite people telling me I had family and friends to fall back who would help me, so I initiated "domestic revenge tactics" this is essentially when I go around doing things that will irk or enrage my ex; leaving the lid off the toothpaste, leaving greasy plates in the sink, throwing away their prized knife to break up "the collection", throwing away letters for them they needed to respond to... you know general little things that you can fob off as an "accident" but still piss them off.
I was scared that if I did break up with Ex that I would have to deal with threats, violence and various other unpleasantries so my reasoning was there is only so much annoyance I can cause before Ex will want rid of me. After being in the relationship for... a year and a half? We had stopped romantic contact entirely, no hugs, no kisses, no sex, nothing. Ex slept on the couch and I had the bed. But still Ex clung to the notion of merely "having" a partner, but I am can assure you right now I doubt Ex was faithful, whilst Ex told some people we were a couple (I had resigned myself as "single" because it was more we just lived together and nothing else) but told other people we were single. I am certain Ex slept around, and for the most part it did not bother me because I did not count us as "in a relationship" but Ex did for 85% of the time.
So people ask me how do I feel that my ex was a cheat, I tell them straight that I do not care in the least because really, it wasn't a relationship and eventually after a further year putting up with it (three and a half years of pure hell) Ex broke up with me! I am certain Ex had another partner already lined up but to be honest with you I was as happy as a clam just to be away from the abuse and unpleasant atmosphere.
Now, back in the "good old days" relationships seemed more stable, things seemed to last longer, I am not saying EVERY relationship lasted forever but a lot more did last than ended due to infidelity. People had standards back then and it was often the case that people promoted long, healthy and rewarding relationships. It seems as the media has shifted to glorifying sex and promiscuity that relationships are shallow and trite. Perhaps it is all to do with morals? People were more religious and God fearing in the past were they not?
I like to think I am a moral person, in fact I have a lot of people tell I am a very moralistic, I take this as a compliment, it might be traditional to think that relationships should last forever, but really, they should. You should be able to find Mr. or Miss. Right and know that you can both grow old together.
A friend of mine, who is a very nice friend of mine, has been unfaithful or, should I say, has assisted someone else to be unfaithful. I am not completely "informed" on the subject but apparently the difference is when you are unfaithful it means YOU are cheating on someone, if you assist someone else it means you are single and thus do not really have anyone to feel guilty about hurting, because really, if two people are attracted to one another they should explore this and if one of those two is with someone else then it is THEIR problem not the other person's.
I am unsure, I think that it is sort of unfair to encourage someone to cheat if they have a partner but I know that flirting seems to be generally accepted universally, it is fine to have a "harmless" flirt.
But is there such a thing as a "harmless" flirt? Surely, if people are flirting this means there is an attraction there? It might be small, but it is there, right? I mean I know for a fact I do not flirt with someone if I find them unattractive or unappealing to me in some way, I know certain sales people use flirtation as a sales tactic but again that is different when doing it for a job. But if two people are flirting with one another whilst one of them has a "significant other" that cannot be fair! Is "emotional cheating" not quite a bad thing to do in a relationship?
Another issue with flirting is when does flirtation stop, when has it gone too far? Let us use the example; if someone is in a relationship and another person is not, they are out together enjoying one another's company. They hug, generally speaking in modern day society most people greet each other with hugs, so this would be deemed acceptable in today's society. Now what if they hold hands, is this acceptable? Linking arms? Kiss on the cheek? Kiss on the lips? A friendly grope... where does it end? I mean short of full on intercourse is everything else fair game and completely acceptable?
I would not be happy if I were with someone and they went further than a kiss on the cheek, I do not mind a hug in greeting and a kiss on the cheek on in parting but anything else... to me that would be cheating, surely a lesser degree of cheating but still cheating.
What about you? Do you think there are accepted rules within a relationship? Unwritten ones perhaps that people are allowed a certain amount of leeway with flirtations, when would you count your partner as being unfaithful to you?
It is a touchy subject sadly, and I do not mean to rock any boats with it, I am just curious what other people think about it as a whole as everyone has very differing opinions on it. I also wonder why some people are happy being "The Other Woman" or "The Other Man", is that to do with just having the contact from another person or... is there something more to it?
3 Followers |
Come to Me
2012 12 January :: 7.57 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
Off to the Army??
I am so sorry I have been neglecting this place, what has gotten Lugosi so busy? Well for one I have started writing a novel, this was a completely random decision on my part. I just got up randomly and thought "Hmm, I know how to pass the time." and that was that.
So not only is my writing keeping me pre-occupied but I recently received some bad news... Long story short: the store in which I work is getting closed down as the company is not making enough money for the corporate fat cats who sit on their backsides all day on a mountain of cash.
Unfortunately this leaves me in quite a pickle so I have been somewhat distracted between writing and trying to get a new job. I would hate to join the army of the unemployed but it looks like I might.
Come to Me
2012 1 January :: 9.28 pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
Do people always make insane proclamations at New Year?
The amount of people I have overheard say "this will be my year!" how on earth do they know it will be their year? That is just an insane thing to say! I never think any year is my year, it is mostly down to me being alive that makes me think I am still healthy enough to live I am grateful for that.
I make some simplistic resolutions; read more, write more, be more helpful... nothing too crazy, but some things people make are insane they grab too high and end up disillusioned after a few weeks when they break their resolution. Insanity.
Come to Me
2011 27 December :: 8.46 pm
:: Mood: stressed
I have started writing a novel. It is not something I intend to publish or to show to anyone, I am just writing it for a means of passing the time and as a means of escaping the drudgery of reality.
This is also why I have been neglecting here, I feel kind of bad about that actually, I should be more active after all the hassle I went through to get here in the first place.
I do not know if anyone else is like this but I am a stickler for picking up on patterns and "coincidences" (although some say 'there is no such thing as a coincidence') but then sometimes things are a little bit "too" peculiar to think they mean absolutely nothing, correct? But there are patterns in "Quantum Theory" are there not (such as fractal geometry, patterning that naturally occur in the world around us)? So surely that means that there is a meaning to these patterns as opposed to it being a cheerful happenstance.
I sometimes notice patterns where a normal person would not, usually it is just silly things like I notice that items on a shelf happen to follow a pattern that was unknown to the person who put the items on the shelf randomly. It makes me wonder if people all do things in a pattern subconsciously, if so why do we do it?
There are also little things that make me wonder if the universe is a grand trickster playing a joke on us or if there is a deliberate pattern telling us something important and personal to each individual.
You might be thinking I am mad but here is a pattern I noticed randomly today...
You might recall a few entries ago I was discussing the possibility of being in love with someone whom we have never met and who has died before we were born. Now, one such person is someone (that is a dead person; who died long before I existed) I value and respect on a very deep and spiritual level I noticed today that their surname is the same length as my first name and my surname is the same length as their first name. This could be viewed as an infantile coincidence but what if that is how the universe matches people up? Our ideal person matches us in some patterned way... be it a numerical way, a height, a number of scars, a deformity, a trauma... Something that isolates us and makes us different to everyone else makes us even closer to someone who is equal to us in every way.
This depressed me to think that my ideal person is not here any more, unless they have been living out many lives one after the other in search of me. I wonder if that is the case, shall this be the life I meet my ideal person? If not I wonder if in many years to come I will return to earth in another life, read this very journal, scoff at its notions and then go ahead seeking my ideal partner...
Ah but of course everything is very stressful and perplexing when you think of it like that is it not? I would love nothing more than for science to suddenly yell 'Eureka!' and have answers to many of life's questions and of course if human cloning would ever be possible, do you think the clone of the person would have the memories too? Can one clone memories or would they merely be a blank slate to be impressed upon?
Goodness I am thinking too hard, I must go read a book to distract myself, I think.
Come to Me
2011 19 December :: 8.55 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
I have noticed that I only ever seem to write about things in here that bug me, this is mostly because I rarely have things to say that are lengthy about "happy" or positive things... I wonder what a therapist would have to say about they, eh?
It seems there is a new "online fad" (which I never see the point of at the best of times) revolving around self harming. I have never self harmed in my life, I have had bad times in my life, I have had frustrating times in my life but I have never saw the point to self harming.
I know a few people who have claimed they do it because it relieves stress or lets them get their anger out... Fair enough, I guess but it is a bit of a weird one if you ask me.
There are less, pun unintended, harmful ways to relieve stress and anger, that will not leave you scarred for life, I wonder if people think it through before doing it or if they just do it?
I wish I was in more of a mood to talk more on this topic but I am really too tired, in essence; I do not approve of it, but mostly I just do not understand it.
Come to Me
2011 11 December :: 7.45 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
The Economy / People
Is the economy not a real mess right now? All I ever see on the news is that joblessness is increasing, companies are collapsing in on themselves, the government is sinking into a pit of its own corruption and the people within the country are depressed and uneasy.
It is a time of great uncertainty and since I have graduated and joined the "real world" I find it is quite a depressing world to be in. Here I am with qualifications up to my eyeballs and a brain muscle that rarely gets to flex and prove its worth because my current job is a moronic retail job...
Now do not mistake me when I say this, as much as I loathe and detest my work and 99% of my colleagues, I am very grateful to be a member of the working force as opposed to the unemployed army.
I look, apply and browse jobs on a daily basis (more or less) and I have noticed the jobs are becoming more and more scarce, it is very worrying. More so because I truly do not want to be stuck working for a company that does nothing but blame the little person for their mistakes, give little to no hours and threaten to close us at the drop of a hat and still expect us to bounce around practically beaming at every customer who so much as looks in our doorway.
It is ridiculous. I do not know what the government is intending on doing but I hope they actually do something because it is becoming a joke and the more people are out there unemployed the harder it will be to keep afloat.
On to another topic, what are our opinions on internet dating? It seemed that a few years ago if you said you were on a dating website you would be greeted with a cocked eyebrow and a sneer, it now seems completely acceptable (well from the way people talk and the sheer amount of websites there are) to do online dating...
Is this down to, of course, the obsession with FaceBook, Twitter, smart phones all keeping us constantly connected to one another's lives? Do people not find this obsession with "connectedness" to be a little bit unnerving?
I am not a member on any social networking websites and I tried it once when I was back at university but I did not really see the point and purpose of sharing every little detail of your life and drama so I dropped off the "interface" of the digital world shall we say? And I have not looked back, however it seems that thanks to the internet the line between "offline" and "online" has been completely blurred to the point, long distance relationships are perfectly acceptable now, people no longer think it is weird to be on dating sites... Naturally the internet is still full of very scary individuals but, if you stick to general safety rules and common sense it is very easy to make friends with some truly wonderful people, right?
Come to Me
2011 4 December :: 5.30 pm
:: Mood: drained
This Time of Year
This time of year is horrible. Christmas has lost what it used to be about, and that is quite a depressing piece of knowledge. There are people out there who are as religious as they come but cannot obey the simple ideal of Christmas being a time to "give" and "love" and "forgive"... it's bizarre. Yet there are atheists and agnostics doing a better job at the Christian season of love than the religious types.
This is why I think most religion, more so organised religion, is a farce! These people tell us all how we will go to hell or our souls will rot for not believing and doing exactly what THEY do yet, they are some of the most closed-minded, unforgiving people ever.
I have had friends in the past from both sides of the religious spectrum and it seems my non-religious friends are the nicer of the bunch and a whole lot less forceful about the nature of the topic.
I believe that when the magic leaves Christmas when you are a child, you tend not to look at the time of year with the same wonder, add to that children are unbelievably spoiled these days and have their parents going into thousands of pounds/dollars worth of debt to get their child everything, how on earth does that teach a child the value of something if they get everything they want when they pretend to cry and sob about it?
I was never spoiled as a child, I had realistic wish lists back then and I was raised with religious and the commercial aspect, but the factors of Christmas always remained the same; love, peace, forgiveness and harmony. We never had much in the material sense but we had plenty of love and that was what mattered. Everything seems so convoluted now though, everyone is obsessed with getting ridiculously expensive things that mean nothing.
Society is so corrupted, sometimes I really do think I was born in the wrong time period...
Come to Me
2011 29 November :: 8.06 pm
:: Mood: anxious
My Memories Awaken
When you see something "wrong" and you know it is wrong happening, do you let it happen and just walk away or do you involve yourself in the situation?
I confess that sometimes, depending on what it is, I will sit back but there are some situations were I find I HAVE to involve myself, I intercepted and reported a person for doing something REALLY wrong and I actually got results for it, I was thanked for doing my bit to protect society and for once in my life I felt proud of myself for what I did.
In other news, I find myself becoming more and more short tempered, I do not know if this is something that comes with age, but I am very short tempered and impatient when it comes to my colleagues at work, I am not in a high powered job and I do not have any power in said job, the boss respects me a whole lot though and wishes that I would apply myself for a managerial role, but I refuse to as I dislike the company, what it stands for and really am only there as a means to an end, in the hope of finding something better soon. Whilst the boss is a nice person, he is not a great manager and tries too hard to be everyone's friend at the sacrifice of his own power and respect, no one respects or fears him and I find people are more likely to listen to me than to him. That says something does it not?
For as intimidating as I am, and as quiet as I am, I do have people come to me and double check things and confirm things with me. Hell sometimes I have the boss coming to me and asking for an opinion on a managerial issue that is of no concern nor business of mine. It is bewildering that I am treated this way.
Another thought (forgive me, my mind is all over the place right now): in the UK there is a public service strike tomorrow, that is basically all the people who work in the public service (civil servants, teachers, librarians, council workers etc.) are all going on strike because they believe they are not being paid enough.
Now correct me if I am wrong but the private sector isn't exactly rolling in piles of money and showering in golden coins! In fact the private sector is struggling a whole lot, but they accept the warnings the government provided when they said "we are all going to be hit hard and struggle during this recession!" what makes the public sector think they are more entitled than the private? The private sector has took a MASSIVE hit due to the economic collapse, everyone has had to rally together and accept this shortage of money is not going to magically fix itself. Why are the public sector suddenly thinking they are better and deserve even more money? No one else is grumbling that they are not getting paid enough, well not to the point of striking, it's a little obnoxious is it not.
The public sector works hard, sure, but so do the private sector! One is not more important or privileged than the other at a time like this should we not all be cooperating and accepting that everyone has to make sacrifices instead of... for lack of a better term, throwing a tantrum?
I just do not see what this accomplishes. We should work together. Not be at opposite ends. The government is TRYING (both trying mentally, but trying physically) to fix the recession, give them peace, this does not help.
Come to Me
2011 27 November :: 10.53 pm
:: Mood: optimistic
Do you ever make a promise to do something or say you will never do something again but you keep doing it?
What motivates you to not do it again and is your word your bond?
Come to Me
2011 26 November :: 10.58 pm
:: Mood: worried
Oh la la !
I do not like when I have bad days and today has been one of those days that started off really well and descended into madness as it progressed.
I apologise for not updating a longer entry, I will make an effort to do so tomorrow when I get some free time...
Come to Me
2011 23 November :: 10.00 pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
As a grown up in the wide world, I have been desensitised to a lot of stuff that would have caused a younger "me" to run crying to my pillow. It is unfortunate that the comforting blanket of youth and naivety cannot stay on us longer.
However, now that I am a grown up I have realised something, I do not fit in. I never really have fitted in, I was a loner at school (had one friend and even we drifted ways), I had a confidant whom I respected greatly. I think perhaps it is not just down to personalities, people often say once they get to know me I have a very amiable personality and am a wonderful friend to them.
I do, on the opposite side, have a very serious facial expression, my face relaxes naturally into a stern look, perhaps it looks as though I am concentrating really hard on trying to drill a hole into something with my eyes, but I have been told I am intimidating.
You see part of my personality type is that of the "introvert", I know this doesn't necessarily mean all introverts are intimidating and stern looking, but I just happen to be one that is. I smile when I am paid to do so (that is in my job) but when my face is left to relax (on the commute home for instance) it is back to the stern look. I am not too bothered with putting on airs and graces, I am what I am and I always am that way.
I am always polite and respectful to people unless given a reason not to be, I speak clearly and take people's feelings into consideration before spewing hatred; I am patient and I try to be kind to others but still people find me intimidating and "serious". I don't mind it, I should be flattered at least it means people will not desire to approach me when I wish to be left alone.
But why is it some people find it so simple to "fit in"? I take a long time to feel like I belong anywhere and I have been in my current job for almost five years and I still do not feel like I fit in, I meshed well with one colleague and that is it, the rest of them are still practical strangers to me and find me a very stern and stoic work mate.
A lot of people have this desire, or urge to fit in, some of us just could not care less and are happy with things as they are. I just sometimes find myself wishing I was not quite so socially inept as other people my age, it would be nice to be able to fit in socially a little easier than I do currently.
Come to Me
2011 21 November :: 10.19 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
When does an "interest" go too far?
Do you ever find yourself too interested in something?
I like to think that I have a broad range of interests and things to keep my entertained but, some people I find raise their eyebrows when I mention some of the things I enjoy.
I collect certain brands of comics, for example, people tend to think "Hmm, are you not a little old for comics?" well, no. Given that comics are WRITTEN and DRAWN by adults there are adult themes and concepts planted in them, I am not saying I read little children's comics, then I would rightly accept people raising their eyebrows at me.
I find it perplexing because I tend to have what I can only describe as a compulsion to be "complete" I dislike having something incomplete. I am currently collecting films performed by a certain actor and, let me tell you, it is quite a challenge. Now THIS sort of hobby leaves people saying that I am "obsessed".
I would not go that far, I mean if I watch several films of the same actor and each film gives me equal if not more enjoyment than the last then it is most likely I am going to want to watch more of their films is it not?
I try to keep my interests and hobbies in the region of things that would be deemed "acceptable" I have some acquaintances whom are into very colourful and rather, in my opinion, disturbing interests but to each their own.
I would hate to think people find my interests in comics weird, and I would hate it more so if people thought I was obsessed because I collect films of a certain actor/actress who intrigues me. I only stop collecting when I find that I have completed the collection of the films are progressively getting worse.
So I would say I have a healthy interest in collecting films (and hey at least I am shelling out money to collect the films in the first place!) because it is not doing anyone any harm and it is helping the film industry, correct?
It is different if I was pirating all these films and not paying my due to the actors and the film makers... granted most of them are dead but I assume the film companies and the actors' families receive some form of payment?
Maybe I am an optimist but I like to pay for old films because I believe they are well worth the investment and the time, I find I have less and less patience for newer films because it is mostly CGI "cash-cow" milking (think; Twilight: The Pointless Saga), the sets are shoddy and the special effects are entirely computer generated, the stories are flimsy at best and the whole thing is stretched out to make an incredibly dull saga and there is no real content and the actors have no real "motivation" or belief in what they are portraying. It is lazy, that is what it is!
It disappoints me so, especially now that I have been spoiled by watching old classics! The sets are elaborate and, dare I say, beautiful, the acting (whilst the dialogue might be cheesy) is convincing, intense and captivating, the stories are more interesting and thought provoking and yes, the special effects might be dire but they do not detract from the story in anyway and often times I find myself more unsettled by what I "do not" see on the screen than what I "do" see.
Maybe that is just me, but I love having my mind work over time and scare me into submission over the things I did not see only the noises I heard or the hint that the film allowed me to glimpse, as opposed to having blood, guts and gore thrown into my eye sockets. Things were tastefully done back then, not now. It is all cheap tricks and disappointments in my opinion.
On a slightly apropos topic I keep finding myself having a recurring dream. In this dream I am given the ability to go back in time and return to my current time ONCE, I accept this and I go back in time find myself in a park (I believe it is) and find a man in the park staggering around in a drug-induced haze, I take this man back to (I assume) his house, look after him over night whilst he goes through a dreadful "trip" or come down and then I fall asleep at his bed side.
I do not want to pretend or begin to try and dissect what any of this means as I am no expert on translating the sub-conscious' story telling into an understandable text for myself. However, if anyone reading this can provide me a bit of assistance know that I will be most grateful.
Come to Me
2011 17 November :: 9.24 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
The Living and the Dead
I would like to discuss something that many people, or maybe it is just me, might find themselves wondering at some point.
When we are younger we are told that we all have a "soul mate" or that "ideal person" our perfect match and we grow up with this knowledge and it comforts us to know that we are never truly alone.
Do you think though that it is possible that our "soul mate" lived hundreds or maybe even thousands of years before we even existed? What if that were the case does that mean, then, that we never will know what true love feels like because anyone else we go with will not be our "perfect" piece?
This may sound really sad, but I think it is quite possible to the case and that worries me. I have had one serious relationship in my life time and it was a disaster, I would never think that person was "the one" and I would never, ever think that person would be capable of being someone else's "one".
When rest evades me these types of questions cloud my mind and make for a very broken and restless sleep. I know it is a peculiar thing to worry about, I have spoken to a few people (acquaintances, for instance) and they are of the frame of mind that it is quite possible.
It is kind of sad though is it not? We will never meet that person, unless they haunt us and even then we might still never see, hear or touch their faces... it is a small comfort if they do haunt us but it still means we are destined for never finding our perfect match.
Think about it, though, we see the youth of today and they are obsessed with celebrities, I am sure at some point we are all guilty of having a celebrity crush are we not? But perhaps if that person we were destined to be with was immortalised some how; take the Mona Lisa, some people say they fall in love with her smile, let us take a moment to think of actors and actresses from the early 1920's when films were new and many of us were not around; one of those individuals could be the love of "your" life but you will never be blessed by their presence.
I like to think that my ideal person, if they have indeed passed on, visits me at night when I am asleep, but it is still sad in a way.
Sometimes I think I know exactly who my ideal person is and suffice to say they have indeed passed. Oh well, there is always the next life...
Or do you disagree?
Come to Me
2011 16 November :: 9.10 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
At long last I arrive here!
I am unsure as of yet, what I have in store for this place, I will however, keep active...
For the time being though I am just browsing and getting used to the place, also need to brush up on my HTML skills as this layout is quite dire.
Come to Me