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goodbye

:: 2018 20 September :: 7.54pm

There's so much that I want to say but I think my brain doesn't work as well as it used to. I used to have passion and be poetic with my choice of words. I used to do alot of things better than I do now. At this point I'm grasping onto someone else... maybe someone I never was.

I have a bad habit of playing the victim, complaining, being pessimistic... among other things. This runs in my family. This is learned behavior. My brother, my parents, my grandmother even. Especially my grandmother. My heart aches for her because her whole life she has thought she was never good enough. Maybe her family really thought she wasn't... they certainly treated her that way. But she definitely was the black sheep even when she supported her family so much.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I don't want to think everyone is out to get me. The truth is, people just don't think of me anymore. And that's not fucking bad, that's life. I'm 30 and I still feel like a 14 year old emotionally. It's gotten worse since I moved home, for obvious reasons - back in old environments put me back in that mindset. While I was on the west side I felt emotionally more mature but had major depressive episodes so wasn't much better.

I was doing so well in college. I was following my dreams. I was learning every day and relaxing the rest of the time. I finally had the chance to be someone I wanted to be without the pressures of home life or my then boyfriend. Without feeling societal pressures or pressures of my peers. I could walk everywhere I needed to go. I could enjoy nature and write prose on a whim. I could practice yoga and I was very healthy... like, apart from all the drinking...

And then he fucking ruined it. My thoughts about it consumed me. I thought I would die. I thought I wouldn't be able to have children. In a matter of a few lines, my whole healthy mindset that I had built up for the past year and several months, all the progress I had made, was gone. I spiraled.

I've been spiraling ever since. Even though it's gone, the feelings remain. Maybe you really did ruin my life.


It has been years since that happened. It has been fucking years. Other bad shit, worse shit has happened in that time. But that was the start of it. That was the beginning. I don't know how to get out of this hole. I can't escape anymore. I'm always here. I'm always stuck. Everyone says if they could go back, what would they do differently. I know. I know all those things. I also know that thinking about it doesn't do me any good... but like I said, I play the fucking victim so. Damn. Well.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 20 September :: 7.34am
:: Mood: curious

who even reads this
I found this in a post from 2006. please please please if you read this fill it out, I'll reply and fill one out for you. no judgement

Two things you wonder about me
1.
2.

Three Things you like about me
1.
2.
3.

Two of my best features
1.
2.

Two things you don't like about me
1.
2.

Three words that describe me
1.
2.
3.

One question for me (ask away, i will answer honestly)
1.

6 props | give me props


jedibumblebee

:: 2018 19 September :: 8.09pm
:: Music: Death cab for cutie- gold rush

It seems I never stop losing you\ As every dive becomes something new\ And all our ghosts get swept away\ It didn't used to be this way
Gold rush)
They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
Where all the old buildings stood
(Gold rush)
And they keep digging it down and down
(Gold rush)
So that their cars can live underground
(Gold rush)
The swinging of a wrecking ball
(Gold rush)
Through these lathe and plaster walls
(Gold rush)
Is letting all the shadows free
(Gold rush)
The ones I wished still followed me

Change
(Followed me, followed me)
Please don't change
Stay
(Followed me, followed me)
Stay the same

(Gold rush)
I remember a winter's night
(Gold rush)
When we kissed beneath the street lamp light
(Gold rush)
Outside our bar near the record store
(Gold rush)
That have been condos for a year or more
(Gold rush)
And now that our haunts have taken flight
(Gold rush)
And been replaced with construction sites
(Gold rush)
Oh, how I feel like a stranger here
(Gold rush)
Searching for something that's disappeared
(Gold rush)

They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
For what they say is the greater good
(Gold rush)
But all I see is a long goodbye
(Gold rush)
A requiem for a skyline
(Gold rush)
It seems I never stop losing you
(Gold rush)
As every dive becomes something new
(Gold rush)
And all our ghosts get swept away
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)

Change
(Be this way, be this way)
Please don't change
Stay
(Be this way, be this way)
Stay the same

Cranes
(Be this way, be this way)
Devour the light
Strange
(Be this way, be this way)
Appetites

I've ascribed these monuments
A false sense of permanence
I've placed faith in geography
To hold you in my memory
(Gold rush)
I'm sifting through these wreckage piles
(Gold rush)
Through the rubble of bricks and wires
(Gold rush)
Looking for something I'll never find
(Gold rush)
Looking for something I'll never find
(Gold rush)

They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
Where all the old buildings stood
(Gold rush)
And they keep digging it down and down
(Gold rush)
So that their cars can live underground
(Gold rush)
It seems I never stop losing you
(Gold rush)
As every dive becomes something new
(Gold rush)
And all our ghosts get swept away
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way

(Change, please don't change)
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Stay, stay the same)
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Change, please don't change)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Stay, stay the same)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 19 September :: 6.37am

I don't get sick very often, but I've some how caught a cold and I feel like death

balloon head sinus pressure head ache stuffy runny nose huge cough and mucus in my lungs

ugh some bring me soup & cuddles

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 16 September :: 1.27am

reconnected with Juan's old roommates and it was even better than old times marli is going to be around all the time I effin love her been doing bruches with the new roommates and trying to step outside my comfort zone more new project at work training 80 CSRs I'm so effing excited went to the fair and ate the most amaZing burrito with the bestie everyone has these wonderful pets that love me and my own pets have been much more affectionate lately

things are feeling better, I'm glad the storm has passed and I feel like I'm finally thinking clearly again

working from home really helps in so many ways

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 September :: 6.53am

why am I so jealous still of this dude

why can't I shake the feeling the songs are about him

how do I move past this? why am I so insecure?

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 9 September :: 9.15pm

just leave

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godessalthena

:: 2018 9 September :: 9.28am

I just want to give up. I hate every beautiful day.

give me props


koalalady

:: 2018 9 September :: 6.57am

All pleasure and all pain is fleeting.
There will be a moment when everything ceases. It is the end.
There were never be a moment that lasts forever. Every posture and projection eventually fades.

Hanging upside down, I can have compassion for my failures instead of anger and resistance. I can accept mistakes as nothing more than signs of life. Attempts at moving through the world with more ease and more joy. I can have peace about the things yet un-done which instill feelings of reluctance and anxiety. What I need to get done, I will get done. Have faith instead of doubting at every turn.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 5 September :: 7.51pm
:: Mood: adoring

when baby dog is really happy, she runs around completely nuts around the living room and then bolts away into the kitchen to get a drink and then bolts into the den

my mom squeels with glee every time she does it, and it's always the same adorable sound with a wonderful giggle after and it's just one of my absolute favorite things. it makes my heart sing.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 5 September :: 6.19am

I suck at comforting people


one day down of sober September and I have had no break from an uncomfortable unsettled feeling deep in my stomach, like I ate copious amounts of cheese.

I can do this.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 4 September :: 9.34pm

I'm really fucking sick and tired of being treated like I don't know shit.

I know a lot. I'm smart. I've had jobs in different areas and understand how almost all insurance works (besides life insurance, but that seems like the most straight forward insurance).

but go ahead,just treat me like I don't know anything. it's okay.

give me props


koalalady

:: 2018 3 September :: 7.13pm

Life Update!
OK, so things are actually going well for once.

I'm loving our new apartment. We both are. It's much easier to keep clean. We have a washer and dryer in the basement (!), a backyard with a garden, and neighbours with an adorable orange cat who inexplicably comes to visit us every day. I went nuts with two major trips to Target and one trip to Ikea to get us some new furniture. We have a new bed. We have a dining table now (OK, the "table" is two old office desks pushed together with four stools for chairs, but it's perfect for us). Together, we decided that I could use the second bedroom as a home office. So I bought a new desk, got an easel and a storage unit for my painting supplies, and now have the perfect creative space to set up camp and work from every day. It is absolutely everything I wanted.

Speaking of getting everything I wanted...

We went looking at rings one day last month. We're tentatively talking about setting a date. I got a recommendation from my therapist for a good couples' counselor. We're definitely in the pre-official stage still, but we're planning the next steps. Eek!!! S has his candidacy exams next week. So he's studying and stressing about those. But after his defense is done, we'll probably start moving ahead. So. Excited.

On that subject, K and C got married. Y and K came up and stayed with us for a few days and traveled up to Michigan with us for the wedding. S and I stayed with his parents in East Lansing, and we told them that the reason we can't go to Australia with them this Christmas is because it's going to be hard for S to take time off from his PhD program more than once during the next 3-4 years...and we want to go to Australia for the honeymoon. So they were like !!!!!! And we were like !!!!!! They've been sworn to secrecy. The only other people we've told are K and Y. So. Yeah.

Work is going really well. I'm getting paid a lot better at my CRM job. My teaching schedule is getting fuller again now that the kids are coming back to school. I'm in the process of negotiating another contract with my c-gig. I'm ready for fall to start. Just opened a nice bottle of wine, and we're making pizza for dinner.

So yeah. I think things are looking hella good from where I'm sitting.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 29 August :: 2.12pm

you either are important or you aren't

you either matter to someone or you don't

I'm always in the "not" category

and it hurts, but trying harder just looks desperate, and I don't know how to do less than what I do. I'm just a non entity. I'm fading into nothing. I don't speak I don't care I just feel sad and lonely.

and I know it'll only get worse. I know I'll be the worst mom. I know I'll die in child birth. I know I'll have a miscarriage. I know I'm sterile.

why do I even exist

I am a meaningless creature on a meaningless planet in an infinite expanse of nothing.

how do I fix this?

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 29 August :: 8.24am

why is it that I always manage to convince myself that my bf is gay and in love with another man?????

it happens every time. am I crazy? am I imagining it?

is it just my insecurities about not being a man? maybe I was just supposed to be a man. idk.

life is so confusing.

give me props

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