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:: 2018 19 January :: 11.27pm

Moe! Moe! Moe!
How do you like me? How do you like me?
Moe! Moe! Moe!
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me.

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:: 2018 18 January :: 7.21pm

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:: 2018 10 January :: 7.31pm

Watching the land before time, not even 10 minutes in and I'm all ready bawling

Brings back a flood of memories... What would my life be like if all that stuff never happened to me... Who would I be without little foot?

The sense of loss is definable now, back then I resonated so strongly with this movie.. growing up way too fast, but never losing the kindness inside.

Now I'm a hedgehog, prickly with you get too close. I'm hard to hold and even more difficult to grab onto

Impossible to keep close...

I just wish I could go back and do it over again without everything else. I don't think I would be very different. Maybe I'd just be better.

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:: 2018 10 January :: 6.47pm

feeling small and a million miles away

I just want to shrink until I cease to exist

The thickest dirt and the darkest mud
Deepest charcoal soot and dirt
Mix up the ashes until I disappear

No warrior no Amazon no savior
Just weak and pathetic
Minimalist imprints breathless walking

Leave me behind and forget
I am gone

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:: 2018 10 January :: 7.53am

I've been sleeping a lot lately, but not the nice restful kind, rather the kind where you just spin all night then wake up 2 hours early and can't get back to sleep.

I'm sad today. I just want to hide under a rock and pretend I don't exist. Hopefully I get an early out today.

My last check was $200 short, which hurt a little, but it's nice not having to worry about rent or a car payment. What are student loans going to do? Rape me and steal my dog? Well maybe with this new president.... Should I worry? Haha

But 2 appointments with my therapist costs about $200 and having so much time away from work has really helped my mental health lately. More than seeing my therapist, so I'll take the loss and mark it as a win.

I just have to say, after spending close to $500 on gifts for my sweetie for Xmas if he doesn't get me a good damned bathrobe for a super late gift I'm going to he so mad.

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:: 2018 2 January :: 8.46am

I hate feeling like a conspiracy theorist but the older I get the harder it is to ignore that every problem in America was and is manufactured by the government/the wealthy to keep the masses controlled, weak and leached of any resources.

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:: 2017 31 December :: 8.28am

there ain't nothing better than blowing smoke screens into sunbeams on a lazy weekend morning

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:: 2017 30 December :: 7.34am

Discovering my dairy allergy has been the single most depressing thing that has happened to me in a while.

I miss cheese. And eating food like a normal human being. I miss not waking up to a nuclear holocaust in my GI tract for having some cheese & cream sauce.

I miss cream cheese on bagels
I miss cheese bagels
I miss food.

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:: 2017 29 December :: 9.35am

Idgaf mothafucka.

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:: 2017 28 December :: 4.28am

Brand New
Anybody else around here listen to Brand New? I just listened to Science Fiction the other night for the first time.

It was so good, I cried. I couldn't feel more proud of them for pulling it off. It was touching to hear how much they've all matured as musicians, as a group. They have been my favourite band FOR YEARS, and now, I feel a little more complete on some personal level, having been able to witness their evolution.

18 Forever indeed.

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:: 2017 23 December :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Peaky Blinders

year's review
Lot happened in the last twelve months. Let's see...

1) Flipped tf out at New Year's last year after evidence of S's drug problem retroactively resurfaced (a compromising story from the past...he hasn't relapsed to my knowledge).

2) But after that, things started getting better. I mellowed out. I don't know that I really reached a place of deeper understanding or release or forgiveness or whatever the hell you want to call it. But I've been letting it go. We're doing pretty alright now. Enough that...

3) We talked about getting engaged. I've talked about it before with a few people in my life. Child's play. This feels no different. This year I wrote: I do NOT want to get married, emphatically, at least four times. So. What am I doing? How can something feel so right and so...unnatural at the same time?

4) In non- S.O. news, I got another church gig. It feels ironic now, like every Sunday I'm in my own private comedy show. It's been nine months now, and I haven't told anyone there anything personal about me. At. All. Nothing heavy, nothing happy or hopeful, nothing real. I've never not opened up about my life to a church community before...I wonder if/how things would change if I did.

5) In other work developments, I started teaching. Both piano and voice, at the studio that I also currently take lessons at. It's been delightful. Doesn't feel like work at all. It is, in some ways, healing me.

6) Between my three jobs, I now actually make money. I ran the numbers for next year, and I actually might break $40k (before 1099 taxes). I have NEVER been this wealthy. I am AMAZED at how much better my quality of life is with more money to spend on things I need/want...I can afford a therapist. I can afford a gym membership, AND a yoga membership. I can afford all my groceries, medication, rent. I can afford to not have a shitty retail/service job. I have time to sleep and cook and clean. I can take myself out for lunch, and I can even finance my art. I might even be able to afford to travel in 2018. It's...incredible to not be panicking about finances on a weekly basis.

7) Cut down on my drinking for vocal health/to help with weight loss/save money/stop killing brain cells/not feel like garbage with a hangover in the morning.

8) Watched an eclipse.

9) Spent a week vacationing in Nashville.

10) Basically kept my company's business running while some stuff went down behind the scenes.

11) Stopped talking to my mother.

12) Ate so many delicious things in Columbus.

13) Fell more in love with life again.

14) Made contact with my old bff, my old voice teacher, and my old high school heartthrob on FB. It kind of felt like...closure. Completely released, for me. He got engaged two weeks later.

15) Kept plugging way at the [$!@#] Gershwin.

16) Finished my 5-year-diary project.

17) Started cooking...and enjoying it?!!?!

18) Started running down at the trail.

19) Join an a capella group...and left it. Artistic differences.

20) Decided to move tf out of this place. Yay. Something to look forward to after one final summer here.

I think that covers the major events. It's been a pretty good year.

Merry Xmas

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:: 2017 20 December :: 12.44am

I don't need to be anything more than what I already am ♥

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:: 2017 18 December :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: pensive

Freedom is what you do with what is done to you.

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:: 2017 18 December :: 10.59am

When I say the bridge is burned it stays fucking burned

When I say things are over they are over.

If you all want to waste your time worrying about what I'm doing, help yourself, but I don't give a fuck about you or what you think.

Leave me the fuck alone.

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:: 2017 15 December :: 10.00am

I saw Star Wars last night. There are sooo many things I want to say but no one to talk to about it.

Without ruining it I'll say I enjoyed Adam Driver's acting most of all.

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