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xelferdarkx

:: 2011 12 May :: 3.29pm
:: Mood: blah

Another day gone.
A lot of mixed feelings lately. A lot of blank days that don't seem very eventful because i haven't put the effort into it. I want to go to Cali, No, I need to go to Cali. I need to get out of this state for a while or maybe even permanently. My days are so repetitive, get on facebook get depressed and annoyed go to work, work my ass off, come home tired and in constant pain from my shoulders and back. Then i come home get on facebook get depressed again and go to bed. Maybe i should stop using facebook for a while so i don't get depressed all the time. But then i would have a huge gap in my life with wondering what is going on. Then again after seeing facebook today i don't really want to get on there right now. It really was just kinda annoying. Well i better start getting ready for work. Have a good day.

1 | <3


xelferdarkx

:: 2011 4 May :: 2.54pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: None

So much
I miss her so much, She is in my mind in every second that i breathe. I've done so much damage cause so much chaos. Every words she shares with me right now i treasure so much that she is willing to give me the pleasure of speaking with her, I have so many fears racing through my head at this very moment. Surgery, feelings to confess, memories, thoughts. so many things. So much do miss her voice and laugh. She posted a picture of a shirt and i was put into awe in her beauty. Someday i will like to be face to face with her again as a better man worthy of being with her again.

<3


xelferdarkx

:: 2011 3 May :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Silence

Photos
I know i broke my trust with her, but on something like this i am not lying about little things. I said who i was with. I know it looks otherwise but there really was nothing going on there. I guess i hurt that trust so much that it doesn't matter to explain it. She won't believe me.

I've been waking up so late and tired recently with a lot on my plate to start the day with on my mind. I am getting so exhausted, both mentally and physically. But i don't have time to relax only two days remain. I am so scared what is happening in two days, So very scared i don't know what to think, or do, or anything. its got me in such a bind its almost paralyzing.

<3


oceanchild

:: 2010 16 December :: 11.34am

Have I really not used this journal since August? o_O

Not much has changed since then, to be honest. Hachi is much larger. I've been working as an intern for Leucrota Press, which is neat, and although the internship officially ends on December 31, it may be extended until March. I write blog posts every week for them here:

Leucrota Press blog

Nathan still lives in the Bay Area. I'm still in Sacramento. It's still trying at times, though I look forward to the winter break, when we'll be able to spend more time together.

I joined the West Sac community orchestra in September, and we just finished up our set of Christmas concerts. It's so fun to be playing with a group again, and there must be something about the horn that draws in really entertaining people, because all the horn players I've ever known have been hilarious. I'm currently the third horn in the orchestra, and get to hear witty commentary from the first and second all rehearsal long.

I guess more has changed than I thought.

<3


butterfly

:: 2010 30 August :: 3.41am

I just finished a book.
No. I didn't write it. I wish I had. But I wouldn't want that to be inside my head.

Such A Pretty Face - Cathy Lamb.

It cut to my very core. And I don't really have friends I can talk to about it. Or family. My best friend and sister moved to Baltimore to be with a man. And I can't say anything because I almost moved to Utah for a man. And then I almost moved to Michigan for another. Hello, hypocrisy.

I don't have anything to say. I just had to say all this nothing to get it out of me.

<3


oceanchild

:: 2010 29 August :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: happy

Kitten!
Last week I adopted a little black and white kitten from a vet's office in Wilton--she was surrendered as part of a litter of seven, all needing homes.

She'll be 5 weeks soon, and she's the sweetest little thing. I've been taking her to work with me and she's a big hit with the kids, unsurprisingly. She's so friendly and curious and playful. I truly love her.

I've decided to call her Hachi--her namesake is a character from the anime/manga Nana, but hachi is also the word for eight in Japanese, which I find appropriate, since I got her in August.

Picture below! Read more..

The day before yesterday was the sixth anniversary of my father's death, and probably thanks in large part to Hachi, I'm doing pretty well. In his honor, I bought a telescope to look at Mars, which on that same day was closer to Earth than it has been in 60,000 years. It didn't work out, unfortunately. But at least I tried.

1 | <3


oceanchild

:: 2010 19 August :: 1.43pm
:: Music: Sweet Disposition --The Temper Trap

Panic attack woke me at 2:00 a.m. last night. Paced trembling about the house for what seemed like ages but may have only been half an hour--I didn't look at the clock again.

My sleep has been fitful and easily disturbed lately, which is odd, since I haven't had any sort of caffeine in weeks. I've been shying from the idea of consulting a psychiatrist, not because I have anything against psychiatry but because I'm tired of having to pay for medical appointments. It has not been a healthy year for me. Still, maybe I should. Things don't seem to be improving all too much and I'd rather not continue suddenly waking in terror in the middle of the night.

In other news, I'm getting a kitten next week, one of a litter surrendered to a vet's office in Wilton. I'm very excited and have already started to stock up on kitten supplies. I will prove it happened with pics once she comes home with me.

<3


oceanchild

:: 2010 22 June :: 7.50pm

Some notes.
I've been ill. Some weird stomach thing that started in February and has been getting steadily worse since April. Blood tests have revealed nothing. I can identify no patterns. I've been on anti-nausea medication for about a week and yesterday for the first time was able to eat a little without it. It's frustrating because it comes and goes, so I never know what to expect; and it's terrifying because vomiting is my worst and most long-lived phobia. Of course being exhausted and weak from lack of food does not help my general mental state.

The truck is home at long last. I picked it up yesterday. The people who had it really did an impressive job--it looks and feels as good as new. It's so nice to have it back. I'd grown unused to it from driving other cars for so long, but even so, driving it feels like coming home after a long absence. I love this truck, and every time I look at it and know that now it's truly mine, I feel a pride so intense that my breath catches in my chest. All the same, the reunion is a little bittersweet. It's difficult to explain, but I feel as though it's somehow selfish for me to be happy about having it for my own. I used to feel like there was something of my dad in the truck, watching out for me...now I wonder if I've lost that privilege because I was too irresponsible and didn't show it respect when I had the chance.

Starting in July, my hours at work will double and I'll also get a dollar raise. It's encouraging to know that my work is good enough to warrant rewards. I just love this job, and it keeps getting better and better. I'm provided with lunch every day, now--we have a new cook, and if what's on the menu isn't vegetarian friendly, she makes something special for me.

One of my closest friends (one who lives in LA, so our only contact is online) has really tossed me to the wayside in the past couple of months. His girlfriend is moving back home to the midwest, which spells trouble for their relationship. He's been spending every waking moment with her, which I understand, and I really do sympathize with his position. The thing is, he's been one of my best friends for years, and I've always made time for him when he needed it, even if it was a little inconvenient for me. Lately, things have not been good for me, and occasionally I've really felt like I needed his support--but my texts go unanswered, my IMs are ignored, or I'm told that he can't talk because he's with the girlfriend. It hurts, and I'm getting really sick of having friends that are only interested in talking to me when they need something or can't be with their SO for whatever reason. I try not to take it personally, but constantly being Plan B starts to damage the ego after a while despite my best efforts.

1 | <3


butterfly

:: 2010 11 June :: 11.58pm

I had a dream in which I gave Sylvester Stallone a bj.
WHAT.
THE.
EFFFFF.

1 | <3


oceanchild

:: 2010 3 June :: 6.52pm
:: Mood: excited

My truck is being fixed! I may get it back as soon as next week!

The airbags will still be blown, and once they're not my savings account will be, but that is a bridge I will not worry about crossing until I'm there.

3 | <3


butterfly

:: 2010 29 April :: 5.00am
:: Mood: druuuunk.

21!!!

2 | <3


oceanchild

:: 2010 18 April :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: gloomy

Friends
My mom and I were talking recently about my social life. She told me she worries I'm too isolated. That I've always enjoyed having a best girl friend, and now I don't (most of my good friends, and all of my local friends, are guys these days). That I don't even really have any friends my own age, who are interested in doing the same things that I am.

I protested that she needn't worry. I don't feel isolated because I'm constantly connected to my friends via the internet. If I want company, all I need to do is send an IM or an e-mail. And since Dria, I've consciously avoided defining a Best Friend. That's never worked out well for me...for some reason I always end up with jealous and possessive Best Friends. The situation with Dria blew up badly enough that I washed my hands of having a singular best friend completely...it's better to have a small number of really close friends without playing favorites, and I do have that, even if they live hours away in different directions.

I do feel isolated, though. In the days since our conversation, the things she said have stuck with me, and I realized they're true. I find myself missing Sasha and Adi a lot lately. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my male friends, but I want some Girl Talk occasionally and I don't really get it anymore.

The internet is also not the answer to everything, like I made it sound. Most of the time my best friends aren't online. Even my boyfriend--everyone's busy with their own real lives (I do not resent this). And IMing, while nice and low-key, is not the same as hanging out in person, even when they are signed on.

Finally, there's only one friend I have in town that I feel really close to, and I never see him one-on-one. I hang out with him and his crowd regularly, but I don't really fit in with them. They're so different from me...it's not that they're unwelcoming (much the opposite), just that they've all known each other for years...they have their own shared jokes and interests. Since I can't participate in that, I can't help but feel like an outsider. Sometimes seeing them makes me feel even lonelier than being alone does.

4 | <3


oceanchild

:: 2010 17 April :: 8.22am

My mom asked me yesterday if I wanted to go on a bird watching walk with her this morning. I said no, because today was the first day I've had to sleep in in two weeks. It will be the last day I have to sleep in for another week.

First, my mom came in and woke me up to ask why I wasn't getting ready for the bird walk; she had forgotten I said no. Then the damn dog started barking and wouldn't shut up. And now my sister and her boyfriend are having loud sex. It is 8:30. I went to bed after midnight last night because I was anticipating a nice leisurely morning.

I am beyond pissed off.

2 | <3


butterfly

:: 2010 10 April :: 10.40pm

I miss this silly thing.

I got my promotion... Seven months late. But no complaints, I'm glad it worked out, if only because they needed it to. Wal-Mart... Oh Wal-Mart. Silly, chaotic place.

Um... McDonald's sweet tea is killer. That's about the only reason I ever go there. <3 it.

<3


oceanchild

:: 2010 10 April :: 11.18am

The Read-a-thon has commenced
I got up at 5:00 this morning to begin reading. (The times are staggered based on time zones, so that everyone in the world starts reading at the same moment. Pacific time's prescribed start was 5:00am.) I finished two books before needing to head to work. Once I get home, the reading will continue--and it's so quiet in the office right now that I might pull out The Flying Carpet and have at it.

All the chronicling will be going on at my other journal, phoenicis.livejournal.com. Check it out if you want to find out what literary shenanigans I am getting up to. =)

<3


oceanchild

:: 2010 8 April :: 8.40pm

Fud
I've been sick since last Friday night. Possibly a strange and prolonged response to some crab I had...the past several times I've eaten crab I've also ended up sick, though not nearly this bad. Sadness, because the reason I go to my favorite sushi place is to get two of their special crab rolls.

Went to the doctor today and got a prescription for anti-nausea medication. It's so nice to be eating real food again. I lost 10 pounds in the past 5 days. Whoa, and also not cool.

<3


oceanchild

:: 2010 2 April :: 2.43pm

24-hour Read-a-thon
I'm gearing up for the 24-hour Read-a-thon, which takes place next Saturday. Today I went to the new West Sac library, which has a distressingly small collection. I got four of the books on my long list, and ordered several of the others from the Davis branch.

What I'll be reading on the big day follows after the link...
Read more..

2 | <3


oceanchild

:: 2010 22 March :: 3.11pm
:: Mood: amused

NPR
I listen to NPR on the way to work in the mornings. Today, unsurprisingly, the big buzz was the health care bill. Part of the story covered some anti-bill protests that went on over the past several weeks. They asked one of the anti-bill protestors for a comment, and what he said was:

"I'm afraid that if they pass this bill, it will be the end of health care as we know it."

Well, duh.

2 | <3


oceanchild

:: 2010 22 February :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: frustrated

ded
It always makes me sad when one of my computers gives up the ghost, and tonight the one that did was my main computer, the one I bought while I was in Germany. Fortunately I saw it coming and was able to save my documents and important things, but it's frustrating. So much of my life is invested in these silly, fallible machines.

I hope that my uncle can help me fix it.

<3


butterfly

:: 2010 22 February :: 2.48pm
:: Mood: enthralled

WOOOOHU!!
I TOTALLY COMPLETED A NERDY TASK ALL ON MY OWN!!!

BE SO PROUD AND AFRAID OF ME NOOOOWWWWW.

*Happy Dance*

<3

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