Matt is a fucking douchebag.
Yeah, there's NO way of trying to put that nicely.
He seriously needs to grow a fucking pair.
That is all.

No wait, I lied.
I feel like ranting just a bit more.
I'm not sure what about yet.
Let's just see what comes out of my head.

I have class at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning.
It's going on 1:30 AM now.
I can't freakin' sleep.
I hate nights like this when thinking and feeling keeps me awake.

Thinking about Matt is making me sick to my stomach right now, honestly.

I shouldn't even give a shit, but damn, I'm only human.
I have a hard time not caring about anyone who I used to care a lot about.
Hell, even people who've moved on and could give a shit less about me.
It's pretty fucking sad.

I just need to go into my little apathetic bubble. >.>

So yeah.
He called me the other day while I was at Mike's house.
He starts talking to me all normal and nice, just asking how I am, etc.
We converse normally for a few minutes.
I ask him where he's been and why he hasn't been responding my texts and whatnot.
He tells me he has me blocked on everything, including my phone number blocked.
So, he doesn't even GET my texts now. >.>
Then I ask why he's calling to talk if he has me blocked on everything.
He says he's calling to say goodbye.
He claims I "had my chance" to have him back. o.o
He tells me that she and him are back together.

I sort of laugh it off and tell him that I'm used to his routine by now.
One day he hates me. One day he loves me.
He wants me in his life. He doesn't.
He's with her. He's not.
Wtf?

I really just can't stand his ass anymore.
He tells me "Fine, take it as a joke if you want."
I tell him that I'm not, I just know how this whole damn cycle goes.
He says that he can assure me that was the last time I'd ever talk to him.

...

HAHAHAHA!!! As if I've never heard that one before!!
So I say, "Yeah, you know, until you decide to leave her again."
God knows that every time he does, he has to come whining to someone.
And I'm the only real friend he's had in a long time.
So what then, m'dear? o.o

It just astounds me.
How the HELL does one date someone they can't stand? O.O
Like, all he did was complain about how he can't stand her.
He doesn't love her in the slightest.
Like, is he really that pathetic that he needs to justify his existance through a relationship?

God, get some self worth. Please. >.>
It's just fucking pathetic.

So, that was about it. We said bye and hung up.
I rushed off to Mike's bathroom and collapsed on the floor crying.
Go figure.

I came out and Mike hugged me because he knows how much shit Matt's put me through.
All I asked him through tears was "Did I at least sound strong?"
The last thing Matt deserves is to know that he hurt me yet again, like no one else knows how to.

If nothing else, at least I can act like I don't care.
I probably beat myself up over it for the rest of the day.
I thought, well hey, maybe I should have let myself be vulnerable.

My GOD, he's so manipulative.
He has to hurt me on purpose just to test me, to see if I care.
If he doesn't know that I do by now, then he's just fucking stupid.

I'm sorry if I'm just not so eager to date someone who would settle for the next best thing. o.o

Who does he love? Me.
Who could he come to for anything? Me.
Who was there for him, even after ALL the bullshit he pulled? Me.

I'm done.
You know how many times I had to look like a dumb fuck because I told someone I'd forgiven him AGAIN?
That I'd given him YET ANOTHER CHANCE after he fucked me over?
That I had to try to DEFEND the ONE person who's put me through more HELL than ANYONE?!

Yes... I'm using caps now. o.o

I'm just sick of looking like a desperate, poor, pathetic, naiive, gullible, stupid, walked-all-over moron.

Here. Let's have a little example.

Me: Matt wanted me to tell you he says hi.
John: You guys are talking again?
Me: Yeah, we have been since he broke up with her.
John: *sigh*
Me: I know. But it's just hard when you care about someone so much. You want to believe that that good side of them is still in there.
John: *gives me that look*
Me: Oh come on. I'm sure if you cared so much about someone, you'd forgive them for fucking you over.
John: No, not really.

No one wants to have to be in that situation where we care a lot about such an asshole.
I was just unfortunate enough to genuinely care for him.
What a waste.

Bottom line is that I'm not just about to give up a great relationship to run back to someone who:

1. Treated me like shit when he DID have me.
2. Treats me like shit when he DOESN'T have me.
3. Would settle for anything with a pulse that's willing to put out.

Is there a heart inside of him? Hm, perhaps.
I saw it once.
Even after all this, I'm still willing to say that he's my only ex that genuinely loved me.
Hell, he still does.
It's just too bad that love and hate have to be such closely linked emotions. >.>;

If given the choice, he'd without a doubt choose me over her every damn time.
How do I know this?
He's told me so. Numerous times.
Every time I told him that I still had feelings for him, he'd go on about how he'd leave her in a second to be with me again.
He would constantly tell me all the things he missed about me that he doesn't have with her.

Hell, he's been quoted as saying "If the status of our relationship was based on sex, it would be great. But sadly, that isn't enough."
Yeah... he pretty much just admitted that the only good thing about them was the sex. XD

It's just so aggravating to see someone be with someone just because they feel the need to have SOMEONE. ANYONE.
He was single for a whole... month? Less?
Could he REALLY not live with it for THAT long that he would just take her back?
Does he really feel THAT worthless that he needs someone there just to make him feel like he means something? o.o

That's just... sad.
Get a fucking hobby dude.

So basically, he's not basing his relationship on any kind of love whatsoever.
He may love me, but he'd settle for either of us.
And that's why in the end, as sad as I am over everything, as much as I still cry myself to sleep because of him, I'm glad I'm not with him.
I can't stand the manipulation, the senseless hate.
I can't take that anymore.

I deserve better than that.
I deserve someone who wouldn't settle for less.
I deserve someone who wants me, not just anybody.
I deserve someone who would fight for me, not just give up and find someone to meet his immediate needs.
I deserve someone who won't settle for a relationship without love.
Someone who isn't afraid of loving somebody else with everything they have.

Thank God for Michael.
I seriously think that he's heaven-sent some days.
Assuming I was getting all hypothetically religious and whatnot.
I mean, some days he just pisses me off to no end, but I love him. :P

*sigh*
I just REALLY needed to get this all down before I went crazy.
Now, back to trying to sleep. o.o
Night all!

~ Squallet

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