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Latch on and make me bleed, you're such a disease.

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:: 2005 29 July :: 6.57 am

Do you see me staring at the ceiling?

I can't shake that image.

:: 2005 25 July :: 3.57 pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - It Ain't Me Babe

Born Again.
I just started my life.

:: 2005 20 July :: 3.30 pm

My mom threw all the flowers away that he has given me in the past.

I really wish she hadn't. That made it more final.
I know she's only trying to help though.
I'm not mad at her, I'm mad that they ever had a reason to be thrown away.

My family has been great with trying to help me.
But, nothing works.

Next test: If he actually shows up or blows me off.. again!

2 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2005 19 July :: 7.09 am
:: Music: Switchfoot - You

"From the day I saw you. You were always there."
This will change the rest of my life.

And here I sit .. clueless.

:: 2005 20 June :: 11.58 am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration

These past two days killed me.
I'm not too proud to say I am a terrible person. I'm a sarcastic bitch. I'm mean. I make fun of too much shit. I'm immature, selfish, rude. I'm everything you don't need. I need help.
Please just love me anyway.
I want to scream.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night.

Death Cab

:: 2005 17 June :: 12.35 pm
:: Music: Eisley

To my friend. My only friend.
I love you.

6 months tomorrow. :)

:: 2005 3 June :: 12.24 pm

Having memories is good, even if they're bad.

:: 2005 2 June :: 12.02 pm
:: Music: Elvis Presely - Hard Headed Woman

This song is awesome.
Yesterday was a good day.
It was a tough, tiring day. But rewarding.

I told him, and it felt good.

Today will be nice as well.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2005 1 June :: 5.58 am
:: Music: Elvis Presley - Don't Be Cruel

I loathe you. I hate who you've become. You're everything I never wanted to be. You're a terrible person. You know exactly what you're thinking, but you won't say it. You can't just make someone feel better with honest words. For being such an "honest" person, you sure do lie a lot.

That's to myself.

I want to change, I try.. so hard.
I can't, because I'm weak.
I don't deserve you.
If you fall, I'm afraid I'll be too late to catch you.

I don't want a pity party, these entries are for myself.
I hate you.

:: 2005 31 May :: 7.08 pm

I need you so bad right now.
I don't even know why.

You know I can be found,
Sitting home all alone.
If you can't come around,
at least please telephone!
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.

Baby, if I made you mad
for something I might have said
please, let's forget the past
the future looks bright ahead.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.
I don't want no other love,
Baby it's just you I'm thinking of.

Don't stop thinking of me.
Don't make me feel this way.
Come on over here and love me,
you know what I want you to say.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.
Why should we be apart?
I really love you Baby, cross my heart.

Let's walk up to the preacher
and let us say, "I do."
Then you'll know you'll have me,
and I'll know that I'll have you.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.
I don't want no other love,
Baby it's just you I'm thinking of.

Elvis Presley - Don't Be Cruel

:: 2005 30 May :: 6.59 pm
:: Music: Eisley - Golly Sandra

I'm trying to make some use out of this journal.
Lately I've been kind've crazy.
My emotions are all over.
I don't know what it is.
But, I know I'm in good hands. And I'm at a good point in my life. Things aren't bad. Nothing is as bad as it seems to be when I think about it. The little things just get me down. The little things confuse me. The little things fog up my mind.
But, I need you. Every second I'm without you, you're still in my thoughts. I wait for a phone call to hear you're out of work early. I'd wait an hour to see you for one minute.
Every relationship has problems and fights. If a couple doesn't fight, you're not a real couple. You're a fake. You can't angree on everything, so don't you fucking dare tell me something you have no idea about. The point is, is that I'm like every other teen in the world. Stupid.
I wouldn't know what I have until it was gone.
Then I'd realize I'm nothing without you.

You sat there and you told me that you want something back.
You have it back.
You never lost it.
I just didn't know it. I do now.

I'm too weak to say it to your face. To let it fall off the tip of my tongue. To say it first. To cure your shattering heart. To whisper in your waiting ear. To kiss your thirsty lips. To touch your worried bones.
Please know and learn this.

Anyway, two more days and I am a senior. I went to graduation. It was nice to go. I can't say it was nice to see my friends graduate because well.. I don't really have the friends I used to have. I don't want to say how many people I actually count as true friends because if I said only one you'd know who it is...

I'm growing up, I just wish I'd do it faster.
I've lost so much this year.
Yet, I've found a lot too.
I'm so worried about everything.
Mosty about what hasn't happened, but could.
Every entry is the same. Who am I even writing to?
You, only you.

Dear did you know that people love each other, just like we do? Just like they do.
Dear did you know you're all I ask for? So hold on to me, hold on with me here and there are things that follow this quietly to the pass. We've seen all those faces, we won't go looking for trouble. The rain, it tumbled down
through the cracks in the sky which made your hands grow, watch your hands grow. And we still see through their plainshifted laughs, we'll hold the hands of sinners and then we will pass.
Eisley - Just Like We Do

4 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2005 29 May :: 1.47 pm
:: Music: Beach Boys

Thank you for a perfect day and night.

I am in love with you.

:: 2005 26 May :: 2.45 pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes

Tell me..
It's sad that there are only two days left of school, yet I still decide to skip out of today. I'm just tired of going there.
Lately I've been.. ok? I guess..
When I'm guessing is when you know I'm not.
Nothing feels real anymore. Just routine.
I don't get excited about anything.
I don't look forward to things.
I just.. don't feel.
I'm so terribly lost right now.

It never leaves my mind, it drives me insane. I question it and that hurts. But if I lose that what do I have? Nothing.
Everything is so dull and meaningless.

My good mood just sank with a phone call.
I get upset too easily.

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to turn to.

5 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2005 14 May :: 8.10 pm
:: Music: Cary Brothers - Blue Eyes

I know, I know.. it's all I write about.
Being without you makes me realize how much I need you.

:: 2005 11 May :: 7.00 pm
:: Music: Avril - Knockin' on Heaven's Door

Mama, put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore.
Well, today was interesting.
Apparently I need to get a blood test because I was in front of the genius Ryan when he decided to play with mercury. Bah..
But, I'm not worried. I'm confident that I won't go crazy or die. So all is well.
Lately I have been okay. Better than I was at least. I am really excited about Stratford. I guess it's because I haven't done anything out of the house fun lately. And the people that are going. Brad, Kate, Sammie, Erika.. could I ask for more? Nah.
Two more weeks.
Two weeks too long.
Kinda glad we got tomorrow off though, I need some extra time to not memorize my shitty drama script.
This is a stupid entry.

It's not supposed to hurt this way.
I need you, I need you,
more and more each day.
It's not supposed to hurt this way.
I need you, I need you, I need you.

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why.

3 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2005 9 May :: 4.39 pm
:: Music: The Used

I miss you.

2 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2005 7 May :: 11.32 am
:: Music: Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation

Just a waste of time.
I am extremely unsatisfied with myself. I've come to almost loathe myself. My pessimistic attidue is killing me. I need to relax and I need to find new things to occupy my time. I really need to practice driving and get a fucking license. I think that would help me a lot. To get out of this boring house would be relieving. I feel like I leave my skin too often lately. I'm just not myself. Not content and I don't know what I need to do to get to that point. But, I hope I find it soon. Everything just seems so redundant and overdone. Just..dull.

Like so many times before, I don't know what to do.
Things have to change.
Things have to get better.

I need something new, but I don't know what.
I need help before it's too late.
Someone bring something new to me. Change me. For good.

Crush me

:: 2005 4 May :: 4.27 pm
:: Music: Elvis Presley - Don't Be Cruel

You're so beautiful and you don't even know it.
I really hope things get better and actually stay better. At least for a good amount of time. This whole really good week, then terribly bad week thing is really getting old. I just want to be content. I need to be.

Yeah, I guess that's all I got for now. Writing in here seems more pointless each time I update.

3 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2005 3 May :: 6.25 am
:: Music: Elvis Presley

I've never cried so much in my life.
Sometimes doubting is a compliment.

Today is going to be hard.
Not as hard as tomorrow though.

I just want to go to go back to bed, for weeks.

:: 2005 2 May :: 7.20 pm

Fucking.. nevermind.
Why the fuck do I do this to myself?
I hate that I live in the past.
I wish I could let it go. It just makes words lose so much meaning.
I'm so scared.
I've never been so scared to lose something.
It all means nothing.
I wish it meant something.
I wish I knew.
God.. I feel terrible.
Why did I read that shit? I knew what it'd do to me. It happens every time.

Ah, fuck.

:: 2005 2 May :: 4.48 pm

" I read it and think, 'this isn't me.' "
There was this little girl on the bus this morning. She had a stuffed animal, kitten with her. It was wrapped up in her scarf, and had big, beatie eyes. She sat there adoring and petting it then smacked some girl in the head with it and laughed. Then another little girl grabbed it from her and a huge frown covered her face as she sulked in her seat. She snatched it back.
I lost that innocence.
The thought that getting that kitten taken away from her was probably the worst thing she could imagine. Being so small in a huge world and not even knowing it. Kids are so materialistic. Not being exposed to what real problems are. I almost wish I had that innocence back. Remembering thinking that if my house was to catch on fire, I'd die without my favorite stuffed toy and I'd grab my blanket because life without that would be all to much.

I have been thinking a lot today and I'm scared. I have a year left before I graduate. A year left of this safety. The security of knowing I always have somewhere to go and be. Even if I didn't want to be there I had not much of a choice. Having somewhere you have to be is better than having no where. Don't get me wrong, I loathe school, but I love the safe feeling. I still have no idea what I want to do after I graduate. I know it's going to be challenging. The first time I will experience a true hardship. School isn't challenging in the slightest. I have a 3.89 gpa. Not because I am smart, I just know how to turn in work. I get all A's though I'd be satisfyed with C's. I mean, look at my classes. I could've taken much harder classes and passed, but I lack any motivation. My theory is no one is really, truly more intelligent than the other (excluding natural born geniuses of course) but others are just more motivated. Some people give a shit and others just don't. I have had a negative attitude on school since I can possibly remember. My attitude has never changed. I decided from a young age I'd be in the easiest classes offered and nothing more. So that's what I got. I don't regret it really because out of Highschool I don't want to learn or study about things that don't interest me. I want a steady, office job, and a side job doing what actually makes me content. I just want a life worth living. I don't want to struggle my whole life. If I can struggle, but end relaxed and worry free it's all I would ask.
This is the point where I make it or I don't.

So far I don't regret anything I've done. This year has been crazy, I've learned a hell of a lot. I've gotten stronger. So much stronger. I've been more.. (I hate to use the word sad, but depressed would be stretching it so sad will have to do), than any other time in my life. I've seen people change. I've haven't became weak, I've stood up for myself against people I love the most. The impossible happened and it's not what I dreamed it would be. But, dreams are fake and I'm fucking glad, because this is real. And I need real.

I've lost a few friends. But, I feel like I gained more from losing them. Until they reach the point where they understand their selfishness they'll lose what they need the most; love. I don't know why I say 'they' I'm talking about one person. And he knows who he is. I hope you become yourself one day. Until then, bye. I still want that phone call though. Maybe that will complete you.

I could write for hours, but this is woohu. And to me it all seems pointless. I care about you all a lot. I'll miss you. I hope to see you when I hit life, I wish you luck. Though I doubt you'll need it.

6 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2005 19 April :: 3.19 pm

I'm sorry too.
Thanks for apologizing.

Crush me

:: 2005 19 April :: 5.59 am
:: Music: Johnny Cash

I love you.
It was 4 months yesterday. :)
He got his truck.
I don't have to depend on other people to see him anymore. And I don't get to listen to bitching, yay.
We can finally be together, alone a lot more. Which will be very nice.
I met his family. They were really cool. I'll slowly get comfortable with all of them.
Every day he doesn't work he'll get to see me. Well.. I can hope, heh.
We're not fighting.
Everything is good.
Things are looking up.

Crush me

:: 2005 10 April :: 3.33 pm
:: Music: The Shins

Can't get enough.
I miss you.

I always miss you.

:: 2005 14 March :: 8.10 pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes

A good woman will pick you apart.
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart.
But, you may be offended and you may be afraid.
But, don't walk away, don't walk away.

:: 2005 12 March :: 12.47 pm
:: Music: Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

Just wanted to be missed.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.

:: 2005 8 March :: 6.31 am
:: Music: Does He Love You? - Rilo Kiley

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight.
So long, and goodnight.

:: 2005 1 March :: 9.52 am
:: Music: Switchfoot - You

Shut up!

Jesus H Christ.

:: 2005 28 February :: 7.48 pm

I love you, I love you, I love you.

:: 2005 27 February :: 2.13 pm
:: Music: Thursday

I'm calling your name, hoping for something to wash these dreams of you away. | Random Journal