Born Again.
I just started my life.

"From the day I saw you. You were always there."
This will change the rest of my life.

And here I sit .. clueless.

These past two days killed me.
I'm not too proud to say I am a terrible person. I'm a sarcastic bitch. I'm mean. I make fun of too much shit. I'm immature, selfish, rude. I'm everything you don't need. I need help.
Please just love me anyway.
I want to scream.


There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night.
Death Cab

To my friend. My only friend.
I love you.

6 months tomorrow. :)

This song is awesome.
Yesterday was a good day.
It was a tough, tiring day. But rewarding.

I told him, and it felt good.

Today will be nice as well.

I loathe you. I hate who you've become. You're everything I never wanted to be. You're a terrible person. You know exactly what you're thinking, but you won't say it. You can't just make someone feel better with honest words. For being such an "honest" person, you sure do lie a lot.

That's to myself.

I want to change, I try.. so hard.
I can't, because I'm weak.
I don't deserve you.
If you fall, I'm afraid I'll be too late to catch you.

I don't want a pity party, these entries are for myself.
I hate you.

I'm trying to make some use out of this journal.
Lately I've been kind've crazy.
My emotions are all over.
I don't know what it is.
But, I know I'm in good hands. And I'm at a good point in my life. Things aren't bad. Nothing is as bad as it seems to be when I think about it. The little things just get me down. The little things confuse me. The little things fog up my mind.
But, I need you. Every second I'm without you, you're still in my thoughts. I wait for a phone call to hear you're out of work early. I'd wait an hour to see you for one minute.
Every relationship has problems and fights. If a couple doesn't fight, you're not a real couple. You're a fake. You can't angree on everything, so don't you fucking dare tell me something you have no idea about. The point is, is that I'm like every other teen in the world. Stupid.
I wouldn't know what I have until it was gone.
Then I'd realize I'm nothing without you.

You sat there and you told me that you want something back.
You have it back.
You never lost it.
I just didn't know it. I do now.

I'm too weak to say it to your face. To let it fall off the tip of my tongue. To say it first. To cure your shattering heart. To whisper in your waiting ear. To kiss your thirsty lips. To touch your worried bones.
Please know and learn this.

Anyway, two more days and I am a senior. I went to graduation. It was nice to go. I can't say it was nice to see my friends graduate because well.. I don't really have the friends I used to have. I don't want to say how many people I actually count as true friends because if I said only one you'd know who it is...

I'm growing up, I just wish I'd do it faster.
I've lost so much this year.
Yet, I've found a lot too.
I'm so worried about everything.
Mosty about what hasn't happened, but could.
Every entry is the same. Who am I even writing to?
You, only you.

Dear did you know that people love each other, just like we do? Just like they do.
Dear did you know you're all I ask for? So hold on to me, hold on with me here and there are things that follow this quietly to the pass. We've seen all those faces, we won't go looking for trouble. The rain, it tumbled down
through the cracks in the sky which made your hands grow, watch your hands grow. And we still see through their plainshifted laughs, we'll hold the hands of sinners and then we will pass.
Eisley - Just Like We Do

Thank you for a perfect day and night.

I am in love with you.

Tell me..
It's sad that there are only two days left of school, yet I still decide to skip out of today. I'm just tired of going there.
Lately I've been.. ok? I guess..
When I'm guessing is when you know I'm not.
Nothing feels real anymore. Just routine.
I don't get excited about anything.
I don't look forward to things.
I just.. don't feel.
[sigh]
I'm so terribly lost right now.

It never leaves my mind, it drives me insane. I question it and that hurts. But if I lose that what do I have? Nothing.
Everything is so dull and meaningless.

My good mood just sank with a phone call.
I get upset too easily.

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to turn to.

I know, I know.. it's all I write about.
Being without you makes me realize how much I need you.

Mama, put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore.
Well, today was interesting.
Apparently I need to get a blood test because I was in front of the genius Ryan when he decided to play with mercury. Bah..
But, I'm not worried. I'm confident that I won't go crazy or die. So all is well.
Anyway..
Lately I have been okay. Better than I was at least. I am really excited about Stratford. I guess it's because I haven't done anything out of the house fun lately. And the people that are going. Brad, Kate, Sammie, Erika.. could I ask for more? Nah.
Two more weeks.
Two weeks too long.
Kinda glad we got tomorrow off though, I need some extra time to not memorize my shitty drama script.
This is a stupid entry.

It's not supposed to hurt this way.
I need you, I need you,
more and more each day.
It's not supposed to hurt this way.
I need you, I need you, I need you.

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why.

Simple.
I miss you.

Just a waste of time.
I am extremely unsatisfied with myself. I've come to almost loathe myself. My pessimistic attidue is killing me. I need to relax and I need to find new things to occupy my time. I really need to practice driving and get a fucking license. I think that would help me a lot. To get out of this boring house would be relieving. I feel like I leave my skin too often lately. I'm just not myself. Not content and I don't know what I need to do to get to that point. But, I hope I find it soon. Everything just seems so redundant and overdone. Just..dull.

Like so many times before, I don't know what to do.
Things have to change.
Things have to get better.

I need something new, but I don't know what.
I need help before it's too late.
Someone bring something new to me. Change me. For good.

You're so beautiful and you don't even know it.
I really hope things get better and actually stay better. At least for a good amount of time. This whole really good week, then terribly bad week thing is really getting old. I just want to be content. I need to be.

Yeah, I guess that's all I got for now. Writing in here seems more pointless each time I update.

I've never cried so much in my life.
Sometimes doubting is a compliment.

Today is going to be hard.
Not as hard as tomorrow though.



I just want to go to go back to bed, for weeks.

I love you.
It was 4 months yesterday. :)
He got his truck.
I don't have to depend on other people to see him anymore. And I don't get to listen to bitching, yay.
We can finally be together, alone a lot more. Which will be very nice.
I met his family. They were really cool. I'll slowly get comfortable with all of them.
Every day he doesn't work he'll get to see me. Well.. I can hope, heh.
We're not fighting.
Everything is good.
Things are looking up.

Can't get enough.
I miss you.

I always miss you.

A good woman will pick you apart.
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart.
But, you may be offended and you may be afraid.
But, don't walk away, don't walk away.

Just wanted to be missed.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.

*siiiiigh*
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay.
So long, and goodnight.
So long, and goodnight.

Shut up!


Jesus H Christ.

I'm calling your name, hoping for something to wash these dreams of you away.