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:: 2004 11 March :: .43am

i've just decided the whole thing is pointless......
i'm looking back at my life.....and there isn't a moment i can think of that i seemed to have done the right thing. its just a string of wrong decisions. one after another after another. every time i found something i believed in, i was wrong, or i failed. every time i've set a goal in my life, i've fallen far short. theres never been a time where i've measured up to or beyond anyone's expectations of me in my life.
its just regret, shortcomings, and failure.
i don't see why to even bother anymore.

and perhaps the stupidest mistake off that was going beyond just being dumb enough to think that i could be enough to satisfy even myself to all the way to being dumb enough to think that i could ever come close to being what anyone else could want, need, or deserve in life.

i've wasted so much time of so many people because of that.

and the worst thing i ever did, perhaps.....was to let my emotions ever get out. because they only seem to have caused problems and greater difficulty for those around me. its not that i regret feeling things, its that i regret letting what i was feeling become known. its been too much of a problem for, well, anyone thats found out about it one way or another. and all because i was stupid enough to think then, and still now, the potential for something to come of it.

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:: 2004 10 March :: .17am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Elephant Love Melody

life, the universe, and everything
lets see.....whats been up since i last posted. that would have been.....saturday night. so now lets get caught up to today...which is not saturday. sunday i did a lot of homework....which is exciting....and i got dragged out to an ihop. actually, because of that, it means taht sunday i ate two real meals in one day. theres nearly a record for me now. though, with the food is also the sickness. i've been sick the past three days, and its just getting worse with the greater frequency of eating. my mom thinks i'm setting myself up or already in some sort of diabetic shock. i mean, i'd been waiting for that....but the timing isn't the best.

work is picking up......i've got two new bookings for this week and next, and if gas drops down again, i'll be ending up with a good 200 into the bank and being saved each week. which, well, i guess it would be useless now, but never know. and at least its keeping me busy, suppose thats a good thing.

i still just...feel like nothing i'm doing is really amounting to anything. i mean....i just don't know what i'm working towards anymore, and i just feel so fatigued and tired with everything. i have school i have work and not much else. when i do have spare hours, either everyone else is busy, or i'm stuck at csun where i don't know anyone, really.

i got to talk to sam last night.....which was a nice surprise....just in that, i'd worried she was just going to try to avoid it. more precisly, avoid me. i know its stupid to just bother her, but, well, for having said that she wants to stay friends, just, i don't ever hear from her on her own. its just, i don't want things to be like that, to never hear from her unless i call her up first or shes in need of something. but oh well, guess i'll take what i can get. i guess its a sign that shes getting all she needs or wants from her friends there in her new bustling social/love life.

theres otehr stuff i've meant to say....but as i'm so out of it i don't know what i've even said so far.....well, if it was important, i'll post it later

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:: 2004 7 March :: .21am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Don't Speak - No Doubt

Love? Above all things I believe in love.
wow.....well, today feels like such a waste of a day. and this is compared to all the other days that feel like wastes of days.
i woke up, and spent hours at the comp doing like virtually nothing of any actual significance. now, normally i enjoy this, but it wasn't even an enjoyable sort of trying to pass time. just, dead time, and far too much of it.

then of course, i got out of the house when jennie and kristal decided i needed kidnapping. then we grabbed bryan too to fill up the car. don't know why i keep heading out when it doesn't successfully get my mind off thigns and i don't have money anymore. nice running into chanine at 7-11 though, she does seem to be doing well, albeit busy. then for some reason we went to the soup plantation. now, immediately this name shows that it really isn't going to match up to my tastes. i mean, i don't believe in soup as a food. and of corse, they have some buffet thing, so its all you can eat. now wow, thats just totally helpful for me right now, aint it? so i paid 9 bucks to not even finish a salad. whats more, now, even if i actually am inclined to eat during the next week, i can't afford it. i think i've got like.....$4 max. and to think jennie wanted to see a movie after that....no way i could've afforded that. all my money is tied up or otherwise i don't have it.
oh, and karl showed up. unexpected. and yeah, thats really all that one can truly say on that. they all did their run around thing afterwards.....least i was able to get home befoer i got too sixk. i'm beginning to see why it is i didn't mind not eating at the beginning of the week. i mean, sure i'm not eating, but i'm also not sick. and i mean.....id rather not be getting sick all the time. its really a drag, i've found.

hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy is being made into a movie for next year.....this really doesn't seem neccessary to me....but well, we're going to see if they mess it up or not. warwick davis as marvin seems interesting though. and i tracked down the theme music....journey of the sorceror by the eagles. like, i'd never have guessed it was the eagles, but there you have it.

and for the personal whining section.......well, nothing terribly new, so i can keep it short......i just miss, above all now, my closest friend. i mean...i guess, she says thats not the case, or at least, has said....but how things are, how things are said to be, and how things feel are all very different things.

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:: 2004 6 March :: 2.41am
:: Music: all out of love- air supply (still)

Seasons change, winter to spring. I love you. Until the end of time
journal postin time. why? because its something to do, and my old 2:30 am habits are gone, so now its this.

well, yesterday i was back to being sick again after a good....half a week of mostly health even though i stopped eating. so i didn't go to class, stayed home and rested. then went out with bryan for lunch...talked a while there. then worked, and of course this marked the end of one of my best working weeks in a while, over 200 into the bank. granted, gas and certain private expenditures ate into that, but still, its good to be gaining money again since january.
then more hanging out with kristal after working......lot of talking i've been doing, everyone seems to have a different take on it. least, i've taken it all in to reach my own.

then today.....sick again, so i left school early and skipped calc. watched the omen with tom this afternoon....and that movie ruled. i mean, never seen deaths like that just be so....so cool. i mean, tragic and horrible and in no way awesome. and the music is just amazing. its really a must see.
then we had the great gathering to watch hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.....at my house, yet i ended up picking up two people of 4. i really am beginning to wonder how it always takes so long for kristal to be ready.....(This portion has been edited out due to the ease of being misunderstood greatly, and no possible interpretations were intended, nor would they be accurate)
so then got chris, danowitz and bryan got to my house on their own.....and then we watched the hitchhikers guide. that is just amazingly great. totally different sort of thing from omen, and a good....3 1/2 hours long or something, but still totally awesome.

i was glad i kept myself busy like that, more or less. means i don't have as much time where i'm concentrating on that feeling like my heart has shattered. now, thats not entirly an emotional thing. i've also noted theres been a chest pain issue......so thats a fun thing to add to the mix. but yeah, i mean, its the sort of hurt that....its not like its healing per se....its more just, i'm getting used to it hurting, just like the rest of me has been, feet and back and knees, stuff like that that hurt but i've just gotten used to having them be hurting.
the biggest problem though is just, i can't see any reason to keep going with, well, life. its pretty unrelated to the emotion stuff too.....its just, i don't know where it is i'm going with my life or why, and just the stress of trying to have classes and work is wearing me down a great deal. its just so much fatigue, its hard to keep going. its like 11th or 12th grade all over again, where i'm trying to balance school and work, but this time, i'm having just so many more problems with finding the motivation to keep going. i can put myself through immense amounts of pain and stress, but only when i know why its worth doing so. i mean, i went through a surgery that was very intense afterwards because i knew what would come of it. its just, i look at where my life is now, and i don't see much coming of it, so it just doesn't seem like its worth bothering. the hours are killing me, and i just don't see why the whole going to college thing is worth it anymore.

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:: 2004 4 March :: 1.30pm
:: Music: air supply - all out of love

Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts us up where we belong
lets see....two days to update for. convieniently, nothing of much importance has taken place on them, for the most part.
dinner tonight marked the first time eating since monday just out of laziness. actually, it also marked the first time drinking anything, ignoring half a bottle of water. over that time span i also dropped another 3 pounds.
i've spent all my time working....i have no idea why i'm still working. the reason i work has dissolved, more or less. but i still do....even though its wearing me down now, i just don't have the drive to keep up with it.

anyways, and now for today's introspective. if theres one thing i've learned here about how i deal with things, its that i made a mistake in always keeping things bottled up and all. i mean, it was only after opening up about things that i began to see how things could have been done better, either by my own realisation, or from suggestions of things that were ways i hadn't thought of things. just that, it has helped to have both my feelings out in the open more, and the problems. granted this here has only really been the stuff i've been feeling, a lot of problems have had reasonable potential solutions come to light now that i've been more open with all that. i know that, no matter what happens, that is one lesson i'm learning here. as private as i try to be, its in the end detrimental....and theres so much that i wish i hadn't kept private now, just in that things could have potentially been different. its an important thing to keep in mind for the future.
of course.....one of the more recent things is that i think i made perhaps the worst mistake possible somewhere along the line in what i did for sam. i knew she wasn't terribly enthused about having to deal with a many hour commute for uni....but i also knew taht things between us have been......unwell, at best, of late. i wanted to do something that would cheer her up, so i arranged for her to recieve a gift basket of chocolates and that her parents would say it was from them or something like that. that way, shed get chocolate, and be happy, but she'd never have to bother with wondering or knowing if it was from me, since that just seemed like it would put a damper on it. so, it was sent annonymously, and i thought it'd all work perfectly. then, when she got it, her parents just claimed to not know about it, and i sorta got stuck. she seemed to have assumed it was me, and my denying it really wasn't the best of moves. i mean......i guess, i couldn't feel ok with myself for being directly deceitful to her when it was asked straight out, even though i didn't want her knowing it was from me. it was supposed to be the sort of thing she just enjoys getting, and it wouldn't have involved me...then it all backfired.
thats the tricky part now......i mean, i still love her, but i'm trying to keep that put aside for now and just maintain a friendship with her since, i mean, she knows more about me than anyone else. its just so tricky to do that without letting other feelings bleed into what i say or do. its such a fine line i'm stuck walking now.....and i still don't even know where exactly said line leads since i do stay somewhat in the dark about a lot of whats going on with her, which is her choice, but its confusing for me.

oh, and a final general thought.....i officially don't get the whole thing of whats a good weight and all. like, i'm finally noticing visibly how much weight i've lost, and whats odd is.....for how totally fat and all i was before.....it seems like i'm just getting less appealing visually as the weight disappears. just doesn't feel right......guess my mind is like that though, with that sort of mindset.

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:: 2004 2 March :: 1.02am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Haddaway- What is Love

The most important thing you can learn is just to love and be loved in return
well......today was one of thsoe days that was very mondayish, even for an already well established monday. it represents a month of general not cool status in my life, so thats always fun.
traffic was light, so that was good, but had a chem test, so that wasn't so good. overall fairly easy, but still distinctly ungood. couple other classes, then tried out for wheel of fortune. i was one of the people called up for the second round. all the other rounds took a while to get their words........you know, everyone had a chance for maybe, 3 letters or so. except for my round. the fourth guy out of five people guessed it before it went around once. i mean.....other rounds were like "dude ranch dressing" and took a while....but no, i get stuck with "baby shower" i guessed the s, the guy before me the h, the guy after, the r, and the fourth guy the b. which made it easy. that and i'm not really the tv look, so i doubt i'll get on. but hey, i tried.

it rained a lot, that was a bummer too. made driving fun, esp when i almost crashed on boquet. darn jeep and its ability to hydroplane. at least business seems to be picking up....its looking like i've gotten one old tutoree from last semister back, and i've got a call about someone else thats interested, so this'll get me up to......8 or 9 hours a week, so thats almost 200 a week i'll be making. hours kill me still with school, but its more money, and thats always helpful. or at least, could always be helpful in the future if i'm lucky.

today did get me thinking though in all my time out driving. i've still been trying to fully comprehend a lot of what happened between sam and i. like, just, the other things that could have been playing a part in it.
its been feeling, for one thing, like she doesn't want to acknowledge taht i still have feelings for her, very strong feelings for her. thats just been confusing since, i mean, she knows how strongly i felt, and that i can't just then suddenly let go of all that, but its sort of whats been expected. i mean, i suppose i could speculate a bunch on if thats good or bad or what, but thats not going to get me anywhere.
the other thing is, i was thinking about how much i had been ready to do, and i was realising.......i had in essence told her that i was ready to give up all my friends to be with her. well, not give up give up......but that i'd leave a group of people i've called my friends to travel 7500 miles across the pacific, where the people i've met can be counted on one, maybe two hands, just so that i could be with her. that got me thinking about what has been going on with her the last few weeks or months.....shes been developing more friends there, and wanting to do things with them. and i mean, in that sense, i can't begin to describe how happy i am about that part, that shes getting out more, in general, and she feels she belongs somewhere, finally. but then, i realised how the nature of our relationship came into play. it really had been a daily thing. not that i think either of us directly needed it to be, just that we were both always online a lot prior. then she started wanting to go places, do things, and it was a postive thing for her, after all her time not feeling comfortable with anything like that.
i think she felt, at that point, that our relationship required her to be online daily....when it was never something i would've required of her, and i think i would've liked a restructuring of it as well, really. more phones but spaced out, or something of that nature. so then, i think i inadvertantly began to put her in a situation that i never dreamed that she'd be in, that she was stuck with either doing what she felt our relationship required, which was just be online all the time, or she could do offline things with her friends there. its like, she ended up in a position having to choose between friends there, and me not there, and she chose the option that meant more direct interaction with people. a healthier option, at the minimum for time being, and definitly a new direction for her, but its mroe that its a decision that i really hadn't realised had begun to come up for her.
anyways....more of my attempted analyses will be showing up over coming days.

my weight is gettign to me now, i'm below 170, the lightest i've been in years.....i know i've lost bulk just since at this point nothing i own fits anymore, but yet, i still feel as fat as i always have, just as visually unappealing as i always have, just i don't feel different. i don't feel like i weigh less. if anything, i nearly feel fatter. its a strange way to feel.

and now for something completely different....
today is the primaries for california, and i feel it is my duty to remind those voters that read this....like two people......about the propositions. remember, 55-no 56-no 57-yes 58-yes.
go out there and make me proud.

and finally, i've chosen to announce that i will be establishing a web page over the coming week or so. much of my poetry, some of my photography will be included, and i've decided to open the floor to suggestions at other things to incorporate. so post away, people!

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:: 2004 1 March :: 10.18am
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Men at Work - Land down under

come what may, i'll love you til my dying day
Lets see whats new.....went to hollywood with kristal to get hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, which i successfully have done. of course, my dvd player doesn't work, so its not terribly helpful, but at least its been tracked down against all odds.
mike: 1 life: 8798
and of course, the drive, even though i got lost on the way there and the way back, proved to be at least somewhat theraputic talking with kristal......both the discussion that was like, general discussion, and the discussion about where i am with things now. i've been very lucky that there was someone willing to sort of fill in the role of having to listen to me vent about all this..... i'd hate to be going through this having no one to talk to, and as things started to happen, it was looking very much like that i wouldn't have anyone i could actually talk about it with, and that would just be dangerous with me....or rather, dangerous with my past habits. if it wasn't memories from back when i was so self-abusive....or rather, memories of why i stopped and for who, i probably would've been back to that already and very intensly.

today had two important marks......its the first time that i've actually chosen to eat a meal in weeks and not then felt horribly sick immediately after, which seemed to be progressive, but then again, today also marked the day that i've dropped below 170 pounds. this from a starting point that is estimated to have been anywhere from 185 to 200 only a month ago. i'm not sure it'll stop for a while yet, since i'm still having trouble with eating in general.

the mornings are getting more difficult. i've never been a morning person.....and so its always been difficult to wake up early. but at least in the past, i knew where i was heading, and why i was going through everything i was going through, i had goals set, and was doing my best to work towards them. they've since disappeared......and i really don't know what it is i'm trying to achieve anymore, and that makes it so much harder to try to keep going forward and keep trying.

one upside of late is that i've gotten a lot of my feelings sorted out......which at least means that i understand myself much better, as well as what i feel and why, and what it is i want or need in my life. it doesn't really lead to anything progressive, but i feel better having it sorted out at least, and its stopped me from doing too much that would count as stupid here.

i think, the one thing thats becoming most difficult, though, is all the social life stuff. its just been changing in ways that i sorta can't help but feel uncomfortable with. its just....even though i like hanging out with people in person and all, theres something else thats of a different nature that exists in being able to talk with people online, esp since i spend so much time on the comp since i'm home so much. its not better than in person stuff, and under some circumstances, online stuff is detestable in comparison, but with being home a lot, i want that sort of online thing that i used to have. i'm already down, more or less, the person that i talked to most online for various reasons, and add to that that of the other people i talk to, they're either online less, or rarely online in the first place, theres rarely someone around online to talk to now. and it always seems to just magnify the times when i just feel so sorta alone and all. like i'd said so long ago to someone special......in many ways my lifeline still is the cord in the back of the comp that connects me to the internet. especially since it was both what helped me through tough times in the past, and helped me have my most rewarding experiences. its like, even though for so long, that was the one thing that didn't turn my back on me, its done so now with everything else.
its just not the same to go from what i had, say, three months ago to now. i used to be able to just be online, talk with friends, and with someone i love, when i was home and not much else was going on and i could really relax, and feel comfortable. now, no one is hardly ever on, and even when people are, everyone is either busy or something, or just not really feeling like talking to me. its like i'm suddenly left in the dark with whats going on with everyone, and i don't feel like i've the energy to always find out. i guess its in large part my paranoia thats resurfaced in the last month, but i just feel like i'm being left behind in general. i guess thats what happens when something one believes in a lot fails to hold up as much as one has hoped and thought it would.

i guess.....the one thing with all this that i can still look at and be greatful is that, for all thats happened, shes at least not yet cut her ties with me altogether. i fear i'll not hear much from her, especially as time goes by and she goes on with her life, even less than i hear from her now, but at least there is some connection still, and i'm thankful for that. i just hope that maybe, maybe, that will hold out, and that the last of my fears won't be confirmed by her deciding it best to stop talking with me. part of it is irrationality, but another part does remember back to the last time she went through what was her maturing and taking a step with her life, and how she did decide to just step away and not return to where shed spent that period of her life, and i don't want to go the same way as that. its nervewracking, waiting like this to figure out if the other shoe is going to drop or not.

tomorrow at least should be interesting, or at least interesting enough to get my mind off of how i've been feeling for a little while. theres some sort of wheel of fortune thing at csun tomorrow, so it seems worthwhile, esp as i think i could manage to get on it, if lucky. at the least, its worth a shot.
thats what i've come to realise......no matter the situation, no matter how hopeless things may be, they always are worth that shot, its always worth trying, because nothing has ever come from not trying. i've fought against seemingly impossible odds so many times that i've begun to learn that giving up isn't an option for me just because something is a long shot. as a taurus, i'm supposed to be stubborn, and stubborn i will be when i believe in something. i can't turn my back on things that i feel confidant in, and i will fight it to the end if need be. i did it when i played tennis even though doctors had said i shouldn't run because of my feet, i did it when i joined a speech team and had a stutter, when i joined journalism and had a rep for not being able to write really, and i will do it again and again, no matter how many times it seems like i will fail.
because i i will fail, i will go up against odds that seem like they can't be defeated, and lose against them, but at least know that i tried, that i fought for something i believed in and that i had faith in my decisions and confidence enough to try to carry them out. the only true failure i could make now is to give up on that which i believe in, because if i do that, then i truely will have nothing left.

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:: 2004 28 February :: 11.41am

well, been out two evenings in a row now.....so i've done my whole social requirement for the month. jennie and kristal mainly.....with chris and andrew at points as well. and i've gone through another day, i think, without getting terribly sick, so thats always good. means i won't be in trouble in that regard.

now for the important question though....to everyone that sees me in person, when the heck was someone going to point out that i've visibly lost weight? i hadn't told my parents how much i thought i had lost by weighing myself, but they took a bit of a guess, independently, and they both put it at 15-25 pounds in the last month, when i've been figuring it was somewhere around 20 myself. i hadn't realised it was noticible, since i couldn't tell personally. i mean, i can't believe i had to go through being yelled at about that. its not fair.

I also really rather wish they'd stop blaming everything on my personal life....and more importantly, on the part of my personal life i care about most and has helped me most. they've been doing this for years, but it hurts even more when they do it now....its like salt in a wound

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:: 2004 27 February :: 3.20am

well.....good news, from a certain point of view
today i ate lunch for the first time in almost a month, and for the first time in about 2 weeks i haven't been significantly sick, even though i've had dinner too. that makes for two meals in one day with no significant sickness, compared to the last week. don't know if today was odd day out or what, i'll be finding that out tomorrow.

and then monday, i think i'm going to try out for wheel of fortune at csun.

and finally, i would like to do a survey to find out who's reading this....like, post, even if its blank, or im me or email or something,. im just curious here.

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:: 2004 26 February :: 3.53am

well, my course downhill is still being fun.....
while i can't say for sure quite yet, i think that i've dropped below the 170 mark today. this from being near 200, i think, in the not too distant past and 174 less than a week ago. i'm at least pretty sure i was above 180 a month ago, if not higher, but i can't validate it now. this is getting tricky to sort out in retrospect, kinda wish i'd kept track of that stuff at the time, be more helpful now in tracking this stuff.

on the whole, this is just so not cool.....i've got two days to miraculously recover or else my parents go all psychotic about the whole deal. this better change around, i'm sorta annoyed with how this is working out now. one meal shouldn't be too much. i mean, i got fat eating tons, now i can't eat one meal terribly successfully. this just isn't fun......and i really wish i knew just what was causing this exactly........stress-ish maybe.
these hours of school and work are really doing a good job of wearing me out, along with the early mornings. maybe thats it. i just wish my parents would stop throwing around all the fun words that they've been using : anerexia, bulemia, ulcers, etc.

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