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:: 2004 28 March :: 4.28 pm

i decided that i'd post a link here for those too lazy to copy and paste
my blogspot journal
further, i may make a triumphant return here, as blogspot hasn't been terribly advantagous, though i've not put too much time into working on it yet. either way, it could be more. and no one really goes to it, either.

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:: 2004 24 March :: 12.04 am

well...i think all further updates will be made at my hastily tossed together and still developing blogspot blog spot.
its so you can check it out there.
i'd like to all you, those that know me and don't, follow me through the change.....yay for changes.

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:: 2004 21 March :: 1.57 am

"have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?"

the truth must come out.....tim put this in his quiz and said that he had not.....however, this is less than the truth. a full, fancy kiss no, but on one eventful acded thing, i do believe he kissed jeremy.....anyone remember this?

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:: 2004 20 March :: 6.02 pm

a picture courtesey of bryan
every so often, hes good for something

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:: 2004 20 March :: 2.03 am

first thing postings here will continue for now. i'm currently working on a blogspot one, but its not ready. yet. it will be in a week or so, though.

anyways, so i figured i'd recap the last couple days.....wednesday night i had to go to sleep at midnight so that tom and my mom could get the sleep they needed to be up by 4. tom then left for new york thursday morning. he still hasn't checked in with my parents, proving he learned from my style of travel.
i of course got messed up by that. i ended up waking up 4 or 5 times in the night, and finally waking up for good at around 12:30 in the afternoon. a few hours after my class was. oh well. worked that night, but had some cancelations.....
i guess, one of the good things is that the last few days i've heard more from sam of her own action than i have, well......since january. i mean, even if it was next to nothing, it still really brightened my day that she did something to contact me for a change.....i don't want to lose all contact with her, and that was supportive of that not being the case.
of course........was up way too late thursday night......what with same favours for sam, and then having trouble getting to sleep, i don't think i fell asleep till after 5. i know it was at last 4:30 though. all this with having to be up at 6:30. and i had a midterm too....which i think i couldn't have gotten higher than a C on because i just blanked out on these things i should've known but just.....was too zoned out of it. hopfully i didn't do TOO bad on it. i'll have to work hard to reverse taht though. i'm just more shocked that someone that only sees me in my calc class could tell something was up in my behavior compared to last semister....but oh well, such am i.
did the video for time in a bottle for my grandparents anniversary after several hours of work. did all the photo resizings and stuff while MR about frying ones mind.

oh, and lets not forget the jiffy lube story. so thursdya, i go to jiffy lube, and while i'm waiting for them to get done with my jeep in the waiting room two girls that go to coc walk in....after a few minutes, one of them asks me if i come here often. wow....some people are just.....wierd. my only regret was that i couldn't come up with anything snappy for that as an answer. nevertheless, just reminded me how wierd people are. i also find it humorous considering who i know that would've thought it was a pick up line if said to them. outside of the obvious person, that is.

well, and now i'm getting to sleep before my mind boils away, my eyes start to bleed, or my thoughts corrode my soul.

later all.

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:: 2004 19 March :: 8.51 pm

gold heart
Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2004 19 March :: 1.14 am

what can i say? i do what i'm told.


Mike is the one i'm ok with....the ones i'm not so fond of.....
Lundy Bundy, Mikey, Christopher Robbins, and the list goes on. more probably will be added in the replies or something.

18....nearing 19.

Santa Clarita

would rather be where:
not sure.....australia, probably......or somewhere that my parents weren't.

would rather be doing what:
i'm on the comp, that works for me

favorite thing to do:
nothing. not like, i've got no fav thing...just, i like doing nothing now days.

book youíve read the most times:
i can't think of any books that i've read multiple times, offhand....probably something star wars.

annoying habit that drives you nuts:
people that find stupidity a redeeming quality. well, excessive stupidity

stupidest thing youíve ever done:
um....probably the time i thought it would be really cool to fill a 2 liter soda bottle with water, put it on the curb, and then hit it with my bike, causing the bike to fall off the sidewalk, fall over, and me go screaming down the street with my head bouncing along on the curb. yes, i had a helmet.

currently watching:
me type. cuz i can't type right otherwise

currently reading:
what i've already typed

currently consuming:
not much.....though i had a taco earlier.

currently listening to:
nothing.......since i'm the only person up and don't like headphones. though i was listening to MR earlier. cursed iTunes leading to me getting stuff i wouldn't otherwise.

currently under the influence of:
procrastination. sort of. and boredom

currently thinking about:
where everyone went....if i'm gonna get my work done before its all due tomorrow....and the usual stuff we all know i'm thinking.

last time you showered:
about....11 hours ago.

last time you cared:
it fluxuates......probably some point daily

last time you were at the beach:
i don't know.....after the harpoon incident, i stopped going to beaches....too paranoid

last time you drove a car and to/from where:
tonight......first to work, then to go on a bank run with bryan.

last time you bought something and what:
i bought gas today. $40 for a tank? give me a break!

last time you bought something illegal:
never have.

last time you were drunk:
never have, never will.

last time you were high:
see i seem boring

last time you did another type of drug:
um....advil two nights ago....caffeine today....thats about it, i think.

last time you had a smore:
"some more what?"
one of the first days of january in yosemite with sam with the fancy little smore kits. i can't believe i actually bought a smore kit.

last time you watched your favorite tv show and what was it:
i don't think i have a fav one......and tv takes time i could be at the computer. hmm....i guess itd then be clerks the cartoon, but thats off the air, so its been....couple months since i've watched it, i think though. yay for dvds

last time you ate and what:
around 3 hours ago when i had the afformentioned pork taco

last time you listened to the radio and what station:
this afternoon driving to work....KFI AM 640. woot.

last time you played a musical instrument and what was it:
hmm...i've got a keyboard, but that doesn't really count as playing. so, first grade when i played the recorder. and i ruled on it.

last time you injured yourself and how:
one of the many times i've kicked something in the hallway. or a chair, or something. i kick a lot.

last time you were sick and with what:
i've got something......i think....but i don't know what it is. its either sickness or a tapeworm.

last time you saw a friend and who:
um....i saw bryan today for the bank run

last time you talked to a friend and who:
hmm....well, sam talked to me enough to tell me to do this.....before that....jennie and tim. both have since gone silent. (note: tim reappeared later)

last time you posed for a picture:
when sam was here. yeah, i had to have posed for some pics i'm back to dodging them. 1337 dodging skillz

last time you cleaned your room:
right before sam came here, so she could have room for her stuff. cuz she had a lot of it.....whole....girls psycho amounts of clothes thing.

last time you played with fire:
i think i stopped after my stove started turning itself on every so often. since like.....those two thigns go together like.....karl and people that don't want to see him in a thong.

last time you saw one of your parents:
right before they went to bed hours ago

last time you ate fast food and where:
last night at the comp....chicken from wendy's.

last time you yelled at someone and meant it:
last time my mom said something implying she knew what was going on in my life, probably. i'd estimate.......probably back in december. since normally i don't yell back. mostly out of laziness

last time you had ice cream:
about 4 weeks ago on a thursday, maybe more, when kristal and i went to coldstone's and it was free cuz i knew the guy.

last time you did something stupid:
this evening.....either when i meant to say something about getting annoyed and said "do you know annoying that made me" or earlier when i just....couldn't type.

ever been in a car accident?
all. the. time.
ok, well....twice.....once when i was like 2 1/2 and some guy ran a red light and i bit a hole nearly all the way through my tounge. the other was when i 5 1/2 and some woman turned in front of my mom when we were going to school. i hit the dashboard :D

ever been out of state? where?
utah, aka mormonland....for a couple weeks total for two family reunions....and arizona for a few days for same reason. why can't my family live in states taht actually have stuff?

ever been out of the country? where?
australia for two of the best weeks of my life last july.

ever been in love?

ever been to a strip club?
no......though the threats continue to be made even

ever been to a drive thru starbucks?
i don't believe in coffee

ever been the only drunk person?
don't drink ever.

ever been up all night?
yup.....term papers. and the new years things at jeremy's that used to be. and the flight to australia...technically.

ever been to a concert youíre embarrassed you went to?
better yet, ever been to a concert? wait...i have been to those....its just....hollywood bowl.....or deaf concerts. now those rule. but then again, thats not the question.

ever been on acid or shrooms? brain came fried, i don't need acid to do that :)

ever been ice blocking?
um......i'm gonna guess this is sliding on a block of

ever been skinny dipping?
no.......which i figure is a good thing, more for everyone else. and if anyone hits on me based on will suffer.

ever been a patient in a hospital?
yup.....good old foot surgery.

have you ever cried in front of people [aside from childhood]?
um.......well, only under special circumstances. ie...not the upset thing...more the sensitive guy thing. thats good right? right? rats.

have you ever egged or toilet papered or forked or in any other way vandalized someoneís property?
no....thats what friends are for. doing your dirty work.

have you ever stolen anything?
um....i assisted in the stealing of an outback menu.....other than that....nothing that stays stole

have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
no....and i'm not starting any time soon.

have you ever done karaoke?
nope.....can't sing. if at first you can't succeed, don't try again.

have you ever had food poisoning from a place and gone back?
vincenzo's makes me sick sometimes, and i keep eating there.....its good. even when its bad.

have you ever sent food back at a restaurant?
mcdonald's mostly. one would think a plain hamburger isn't confusing

have you ever had your car break down?
mine, no. good ol' jeep. but cars i've been in have. i think my mom's least once or twice, and sam's family's van-like-thing had the battery die in canberra.

person who makes you laugh:
um...stupid people (read: most friends)...kevin smith (hey, don't have to know them personally)

person who knows you the best:

person who shares your taste in movies:
bryan a bit....sam a bit.....i'm a mix with that stuff

person who shares your taste in music:
no one....who the heck else would listen to eminem, system of a down, moody blues, and moulin rouge in one day?

person who shares your taste in clothes:
i don't have taste in clothes, hense the problem.

person who can you depend on:
hmm...depend on depend on? i don't know anymore. various people have had their moments, but my constant person is gone in that sense

person who you see the most: of the people thats in like half my classes, since then i see her like....5 days a week, so thats......12 hours of classes, plus 2 hours of breaks. so really, i just got no actual social life. like thats any difference from how i was before.

person who you talk to on the phone the most:

person who you talk to online the most:, as of now this is tricky...
tim, liz (who no one knows really), whoever else i can corner when i'm lonely and doesn't have anywhere else to go

person who makes you feel better:
hmm.....not applicable for now there is someone that does so occasionally when i get to hear from her....but, the gaps in between, and the other circumstances feel like they work counter to that.

person who you canít stand: one i can't stand, per se. at least in the normal sense. karl, bryan, and chris all have their moments though.

person who you miss the most:
sam, without a doubt

edits in bold

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:: 2004 17 March :: 1.09 am

the picture is now here. got tired of that being in this.
You are the grammar Fuhrer. All bow to your
authority. You will crush all the inferior
people under the soles of your jackboots, and
any who question your motives will be
eliminated. Your punishment is being the bane
of every other person's existence, because
you're constantly contradicting stupidity.
Everyone will be gunning for you. Your dreams
of a master race of spellers and grammarians
frighten the masses. You must always watch your
back. If only your power could be used for good
instead of evil.

What is your grammar aptitude?
brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2004 13 March :: 6.13 pm

today, we're going to do this entry differently......rather than me just ranting about stuff, i'd like to ask a question of anyone that reads this. what is it in your life that you believe in? and further, what is there in your life that you believe in, even though either yourself or other people think that its something that you're foolish to believe in?
in short......what is there that you keep hoping for, even though you may very well have lost or are losing?
you can post either annonymously, or show your screennames.....i don't care so much about that part of this little challenge.

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:: 2004 12 March :: 5.22 pm

so its friday.......i last put stuff here wednesday....
well, i finished off the work week having made like......150 dollars for the month. 50 of that goes to gas, the rest i'm just saving up since i'm too cheap to spend my money unless its really darn worth it.
i think i may have regained a pound or two for now....but i'm also now having issues with being really sick again. of course, my parents are blaming things randomly again and the threats of doctors and stuff are out again, which really just makes everything worse. i mean......doctors are this particular case, a total waste of money. but they really don't care....i'm having stress related issues, so logically the best way to fix that is yell at me a lot and create MORE stress. i'm sick of that sort of mindset from them.

then again, i'm having issues with mindsets in general. like, i'm getting frustrated with mine. or more precisly, i'm getting frustrated about still caring about some things that it would be easier not to, but i really don't feel like i've a choice. i can't just turn off caring in my brain, so it leads to me worrying about things that i shouldn't and the like.

and then the final thing.....some anime thing at chris' tonight at 6. i doubt i'm going to be there that long...i mean, i came home early from school because i was sick, and i've been in bed much of the time since, so i don't think i'll be there for more than a few hours.....but well ill see

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:: 2004 11 March :: 5.43 am

i've just decided the whole thing is pointless......
i'm looking back at my life.....and there isn't a moment i can think of that i seemed to have done the right thing. its just a string of wrong decisions. one after another after another. every time i found something i believed in, i was wrong, or i failed. every time i've set a goal in my life, i've fallen far short. theres never been a time where i've measured up to or beyond anyone's expectations of me in my life.
its just regret, shortcomings, and failure.
i don't see why to even bother anymore.

and perhaps the stupidest mistake off that was going beyond just being dumb enough to think that i could be enough to satisfy even myself to all the way to being dumb enough to think that i could ever come close to being what anyone else could want, need, or deserve in life.

i've wasted so much time of so many people because of that.

and the worst thing i ever did, perhaps.....was to let my emotions ever get out. because they only seem to have caused problems and greater difficulty for those around me. its not that i regret feeling things, its that i regret letting what i was feeling become known. its been too much of a problem for, well, anyone thats found out about it one way or another. and all because i was stupid enough to think then, and still now, the potential for something to come of it.

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:: 2004 10 March :: 5.17 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Elephant Love Melody

life, the universe, and everything
lets see.....whats been up since i last posted. that would have been.....saturday night. so now lets get caught up to today...which is not saturday. sunday i did a lot of homework....which is exciting....and i got dragged out to an ihop. actually, because of that, it means taht sunday i ate two real meals in one day. theres nearly a record for me now. though, with the food is also the sickness. i've been sick the past three days, and its just getting worse with the greater frequency of eating. my mom thinks i'm setting myself up or already in some sort of diabetic shock. i mean, i'd been waiting for that....but the timing isn't the best.

work is picking up......i've got two new bookings for this week and next, and if gas drops down again, i'll be ending up with a good 200 into the bank and being saved each week. which, well, i guess it would be useless now, but never know. and at least its keeping me busy, suppose thats a good thing.

i still just...feel like nothing i'm doing is really amounting to anything. i mean....i just don't know what i'm working towards anymore, and i just feel so fatigued and tired with everything. i have school i have work and not much else. when i do have spare hours, either everyone else is busy, or i'm stuck at csun where i don't know anyone, really.

i got to talk to sam last night.....which was a nice surprise....just in that, i'd worried she was just going to try to avoid it. more precisly, avoid me. i know its stupid to just bother her, but, well, for having said that she wants to stay friends, just, i don't ever hear from her on her own. its just, i don't want things to be like that, to never hear from her unless i call her up first or shes in need of something. but oh well, guess i'll take what i can get. i guess its a sign that shes getting all she needs or wants from her friends there in her new bustling social/love life.

theres otehr stuff i've meant to say....but as i'm so out of it i don't know what i've even said so far.....well, if it was important, i'll post it later

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:: 2004 7 March :: 5.21 am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Don't Speak - No Doubt

Love? Above all things I believe in love.
wow.....well, today feels like such a waste of a day. and this is compared to all the other days that feel like wastes of days.
i woke up, and spent hours at the comp doing like virtually nothing of any actual significance. now, normally i enjoy this, but it wasn't even an enjoyable sort of trying to pass time. just, dead time, and far too much of it.

then of course, i got out of the house when jennie and kristal decided i needed kidnapping. then we grabbed bryan too to fill up the car. don't know why i keep heading out when it doesn't successfully get my mind off thigns and i don't have money anymore. nice running into chanine at 7-11 though, she does seem to be doing well, albeit busy. then for some reason we went to the soup plantation. now, immediately this name shows that it really isn't going to match up to my tastes. i mean, i don't believe in soup as a food. and of corse, they have some buffet thing, so its all you can eat. now wow, thats just totally helpful for me right now, aint it? so i paid 9 bucks to not even finish a salad. whats more, now, even if i actually am inclined to eat during the next week, i can't afford it. i think i've got like.....$4 max. and to think jennie wanted to see a movie after way i could've afforded that. all my money is tied up or otherwise i don't have it.
oh, and karl showed up. unexpected. and yeah, thats really all that one can truly say on that. they all did their run around thing afterwards.....least i was able to get home befoer i got too sixk. i'm beginning to see why it is i didn't mind not eating at the beginning of the week. i mean, sure i'm not eating, but i'm also not sick. and i rather not be getting sick all the time. its really a drag, i've found.

hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy is being made into a movie for next year.....this really doesn't seem neccessary to me....but well, we're going to see if they mess it up or not. warwick davis as marvin seems interesting though. and i tracked down the theme music....journey of the sorceror by the eagles. like, i'd never have guessed it was the eagles, but there you have it.

and for the personal whining section.......well, nothing terribly new, so i can keep it short......i just miss, above all now, my closest friend. i mean...i guess, she says thats not the case, or at least, has said....but how things are, how things are said to be, and how things feel are all very different things.

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:: 2004 6 March :: 2.41 am
:: Music: all out of love- air supply (still)

Seasons change, winter to spring. I love you. Until the end of time
journal postin time. why? because its something to do, and my old 2:30 am habits are gone, so now its this.

well, yesterday i was back to being sick again after a good....half a week of mostly health even though i stopped eating. so i didn't go to class, stayed home and rested. then went out with bryan for lunch...talked a while there. then worked, and of course this marked the end of one of my best working weeks in a while, over 200 into the bank. granted, gas and certain private expenditures ate into that, but still, its good to be gaining money again since january.
then more hanging out with kristal after working......lot of talking i've been doing, everyone seems to have a different take on it. least, i've taken it all in to reach my own.

then today.....sick again, so i left school early and skipped calc. watched the omen with tom this afternoon....and that movie ruled. i mean, never seen deaths like that just be cool. i mean, tragic and horrible and in no way awesome. and the music is just amazing. its really a must see.
then we had the great gathering to watch hitchhiker's guide to the my house, yet i ended up picking up two people of 4. i really am beginning to wonder how it always takes so long for kristal to be ready.....(This portion has been edited out due to the ease of being misunderstood greatly, and no possible interpretations were intended, nor would they be accurate)
so then got chris, danowitz and bryan got to my house on their own.....and then we watched the hitchhikers guide. that is just amazingly great. totally different sort of thing from omen, and a good....3 1/2 hours long or something, but still totally awesome.

i was glad i kept myself busy like that, more or less. means i don't have as much time where i'm concentrating on that feeling like my heart has shattered. now, thats not entirly an emotional thing. i've also noted theres been a chest pain thats a fun thing to add to the mix. but yeah, i mean, its the sort of hurt that....its not like its healing per se....its more just, i'm getting used to it hurting, just like the rest of me has been, feet and back and knees, stuff like that that hurt but i've just gotten used to having them be hurting.
the biggest problem though is just, i can't see any reason to keep going with, well, life. its pretty unrelated to the emotion stuff too.....its just, i don't know where it is i'm going with my life or why, and just the stress of trying to have classes and work is wearing me down a great deal. its just so much fatigue, its hard to keep going. its like 11th or 12th grade all over again, where i'm trying to balance school and work, but this time, i'm having just so many more problems with finding the motivation to keep going. i can put myself through immense amounts of pain and stress, but only when i know why its worth doing so. i mean, i went through a surgery that was very intense afterwards because i knew what would come of it. its just, i look at where my life is now, and i don't see much coming of it, so it just doesn't seem like its worth bothering. the hours are killing me, and i just don't see why the whole going to college thing is worth it anymore.

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:: 2004 4 March :: 1.30 pm
:: Music: air supply - all out of love

Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts us up where we belong
lets see....two days to update for. convieniently, nothing of much importance has taken place on them, for the most part.
dinner tonight marked the first time eating since monday just out of laziness. actually, it also marked the first time drinking anything, ignoring half a bottle of water. over that time span i also dropped another 3 pounds.
i've spent all my time working....i have no idea why i'm still working. the reason i work has dissolved, more or less. but i still do....even though its wearing me down now, i just don't have the drive to keep up with it.

anyways, and now for today's introspective. if theres one thing i've learned here about how i deal with things, its that i made a mistake in always keeping things bottled up and all. i mean, it was only after opening up about things that i began to see how things could have been done better, either by my own realisation, or from suggestions of things that were ways i hadn't thought of things. just that, it has helped to have both my feelings out in the open more, and the problems. granted this here has only really been the stuff i've been feeling, a lot of problems have had reasonable potential solutions come to light now that i've been more open with all that. i know that, no matter what happens, that is one lesson i'm learning here. as private as i try to be, its in the end detrimental....and theres so much that i wish i hadn't kept private now, just in that things could have potentially been different. its an important thing to keep in mind for the future.
of of the more recent things is that i think i made perhaps the worst mistake possible somewhere along the line in what i did for sam. i knew she wasn't terribly enthused about having to deal with a many hour commute for uni....but i also knew taht things between us have been......unwell, at best, of late. i wanted to do something that would cheer her up, so i arranged for her to recieve a gift basket of chocolates and that her parents would say it was from them or something like that. that way, shed get chocolate, and be happy, but she'd never have to bother with wondering or knowing if it was from me, since that just seemed like it would put a damper on it. so, it was sent annonymously, and i thought it'd all work perfectly. then, when she got it, her parents just claimed to not know about it, and i sorta got stuck. she seemed to have assumed it was me, and my denying it really wasn't the best of moves. i mean......i guess, i couldn't feel ok with myself for being directly deceitful to her when it was asked straight out, even though i didn't want her knowing it was from me. it was supposed to be the sort of thing she just enjoys getting, and it wouldn't have involved me...then it all backfired.
thats the tricky part now......i mean, i still love her, but i'm trying to keep that put aside for now and just maintain a friendship with her since, i mean, she knows more about me than anyone else. its just so tricky to do that without letting other feelings bleed into what i say or do. its such a fine line i'm stuck walking now.....and i still don't even know where exactly said line leads since i do stay somewhat in the dark about a lot of whats going on with her, which is her choice, but its confusing for me.

oh, and a final general thought.....i officially don't get the whole thing of whats a good weight and all. like, i'm finally noticing visibly how much weight i've lost, and whats odd is.....for how totally fat and all i was seems like i'm just getting less appealing visually as the weight disappears. just doesn't feel right......guess my mind is like that though, with that sort of mindset.

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