HeAD RusH

:: 2004 17 December :: 3.30am

I wish i would have had the balls then to say how i felt. I love ashley francis. I can be so insecure, and i can act pretty fucking stupid. feels so shitty to go away on this empty stomach. i wanted to be your friend. i thought thats all you wanted to be to me. you dont know what love is, what she or anything means to me. you dont know me, and im sorry i let you in my life. let you fuck with my head. i let myself fuck up my love. all the compounding problems i needed to deal with and you just became an addition to them. shouldnt have bit my tounge for so long. should have told you to fuck off a long time ago. should have said the same thing to who i was being. i was so fuckin weak. i love ashley. to the end. she doesnt deserve that shit, and she wont have it. the hurt is so bad. still hate the fact that I let you overpower me. was so weak and stressed already, dont know how you made me believe you could help but you did. was so fuckin weak at the time. ashley francis isn't a girl. shes my love. not "my first love high-school sweetheart" love: she's my love. dont ever forget it. i almost did in the stupid shit storm i put myself in. all this shit caused by my personal problems. i never knew i was the fuckin mess ive realized i am. i love you so much. i need to straighten my shit out and im trying to now.forgivness from myself will be harder to gain than yours. i cant affect you like that; its not fair to you. i know the time that is needed will be taken. know i am here for you for anything babe. anyyyyyything at all. i hate going away blah. iloveyou

:: 2004 13 December :: 7.33am
:: Mood: hurt

THIS SHIT IS OVER
i can't think anymore. fuck tomorrow. i'm living my life in today. fuck you.

heather

:: 2004 12 December :: 1.37pm

got an acceptance e-mail to college. yesssss....... score!

:: 2004 13 December :: 10.53am

cold air. likes to touch the bones. fuckin cold out.
good beans rule menk. i feel pretty normal not like a fuckin meth storm hit me. was so happy you called babe. you crazy as fuck girl <3. finals are done. fuck dat SHIT. and ill be 20 before I know :( merry christmas ho ho ho. ho.

heather

:: 2004 5 December :: 3.16pm

get baked at the bake sale... i did.
The Buzz Bake Sale was yesterday. i went with mason and david and i can not even begin to express how much fun i had. 20 million times better then last year. we got there around 11:30 and watched the skateboarders. dom was skating and it was really cool to see him. {i saw the new shred shed video with him in it and it was nice to see him although he wasnt doing that good.} mason and david and i saw every band that we wanted to. during kottonmouth kings they had these like 6 ft tall weed plants on stage and the guy was like 'when i say smoke, you say weed,' and everyone pulled out there pipes and joints and shit. it was awesome. we saw the used, which was my favorite. we had lawn tickets, but the guy checking tickets for the seats let us in because he knew david and mason from skating at blacktop or something. so i saw my favorite band... the used...and i was happy. i lost my earrings crowd-surfing, but it was worth it. i did it like 10 times near the zippo stage. mason did it with me, but david was scared. he almost did it, but when they got him up there, he got dropped. oh well. i saw a bunch of people i havent seen in a while, like nick sassian, elle and i saw wayne.... havent seen him in a long time. we met up with mike but all he did he whole day was try to get backstage. and he did. during taking back sunday, mason got seperated from us and david and i were up at the front and when the band came out so did like10 other people on the side. mike was just chilling up there soo happy. it was nice. we met up with ciron and josh and gundy and hung out with them during korn and then the 5 of us {mason, david, ciron, gundy and i} went to denny's and ate. i cant wait till next years. i will make it a point to come home from UCF and go to the bake sale.

i went and got detox shit for my drug test tomorrow. thank god for fake id's, cuz i guess they wont selll that shit to people under 18. but i got it. my mom thinks i am a dumb ass for smoking three days before the damn thing. but hey, i need this job. it will be fun.

homework to do today. lots of it. then i got plans to go out to dinner with luis and then prolly go and hang out with ... yepp... so to who ever reads this, have a good day.

:: 2004 9 November :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: crazy

so dinner tonight was fun.
i dont know where this is going. i wont sit here anymore letting him make me feel this way. i dont deserve it. im tired of things being one way. im over it.

you dont tell me things anymore. you act like you dont know what you want.
dont expect me to call. i wont wait around. go ahead now, live all you want. it wont be anything new for you.

i saw holly's baby yesturday. he's the cutest baby ever. i love him.
today i found puffer's dead body. it was the saddest thing.
tomorrow i sign up for classes. i think i might take five this time instead. we'll see.

heather

:: 2004 9 November :: 4.38pm

all i want is to be happy.
i want you to be happy too.
i want to sit here and explain myself but i dont owe it to anyone.
the only thing i want is for us to be able to be friends. i apologize for all of the hurtful things i've said. if your number shows up on my cell phone...

:: 2004 21 October :: 1.06am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!
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.............oooo.............
............ooooo............
.............oooo.............
...............oo...............
................|.................
.................\................
..................|...............
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so maybe it was just like any other day.
it was your day. but it's not over.
not all was said and done.
i know what you want.
there's still more to come.
please forgive me for your disappointment.
i won't let you down.
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.........../'*\/*'\.............
...........\ with /............
............\love/.............
..............\ _/...............

1 People Fired | Ready..Aim..

:: 2004 14 October :: 10.35pm

There is no limit.
i wish-
moments like that could be every moment.
that everything we do is just for you and me.
until then..

i'm afraid to trust.
nothing seems to make sense in my mind.
things arn't what i had expected.
i may be going in the wrong direction.
i don't want to go back to start.
i don't know where i belong.

i believe in my heart.
i believe in you.
i don't doubt i'll get hurt.
prove to me it will be worth it.
(P.S. I love you.)

:: 2004 18 August :: 12.08am

fuckin summers bout to end fuckity fuck feck. asfugbkhj

2 People Fired | Ready..Aim..

:: 2004 26 July :: 10.26am

well after the best trip of my life, it was amazingly hard to leave that place for this one. did lots of reflecting up in the mountains. godbless the land of weiners and schnitzels'. hope i can make it here until my return trip next summer.

ashley suprised me at the airport. crazy girl taha. twas a beautiful sight to see her. she was the only thing i looked foward to in coming home. so then i got home and was here for only 6 hours until the guy across the street backed into my car. damn things.

and now i have my dorm assignment. i got the one i wanted. and i guess i move in there august 18th. not too much time left. especially with all this school bullshit to get taken care of.

1 People Fired | Ready..Aim..

:: 2004 23 July :: 1.32pm

When heaven looks my way.
Im back.
Aruba was something else.
Something other than amazing.
Here the word amazing cease to exist.
Its more like phenomenal.
It was in the water and in the sky.
It was is the land and in the animals.
It WAS phenomenal.

We went in this cave. Deep into the ground. Called the "tunnel of love", because the opening from above is shaped like a heart. There were mucha cucarachas. And it was dark and sweaty. I got such a rush.

We also went horseback riding for over two hours. My horses name was Churro. We rode across the desert then along the east coast. It was like I was in a cowboys and indians movie. As if we were chasing something. We flew and I loved it.

My favorite place there was the southern point. We walked out as far as we could. And there we were standing on a cliff looking down and the most beautiful ocean breaking on the rocks. Ive never seen anything like it. I wanted to dive off and be one with such an incredible site.

And in everything that took my breath away. There you were. <3

Just you wait ;-)

:: 2004 23 July :: 12.56pm

she blinds me with her smile, everythings allright.

:: 2004 22 July :: 9.30am

missssssssssin you. deitz tags to go.