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:: 2005 20 July :: 12.23 pm

i need to feel you...

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 17 July :: 1.47 am

Please don't go
Now my feelings for you
Now they're lost
'Cause we're through anymore
I'll write you
I'll call you

just tell me that youll miss me...


:: 2005 16 July :: 11.58 am

idk i guess im stupid for thinking anything would come of it.. im crazy for getting in so deep.. but i mean i believed what he said when i honestly asked.. gr.. i just dont want him to leave i dont want to be a memory.. but i guess its selfish of me to hodl him back from what he wants to do.. so i guess i couldnt and he wouldnt stay for me anyways..

i dont know its times liek this that drive me insane i think and think and question and wonder and i never stop and enjoy today.. im too caught up in what could happen or what has happened to even enjoy the moment im in..

was that all it was.. no strings attatched? hm... i must have been pretty stupid if thats really all it was.. i dont know what im talking about
i dont know what im gonna do
i dont know where im sposed to go
i dont know where im at..
im insane..


:: 2005 14 July :: 9.02 pm

You keep pushing me away
In spite of what you say
I found out yesterday
That I've been wasting all my time
Trying to make you smile
Trying to make this seem worth...
While you've been pushing me around
In spite of what I do
Trying to make things good for...


:: 2005 13 July :: 12.25 am

i waited all night for you to call
but it seems that you dont care at all
the street lights they blind your eyes
you gotta get away from this place
so you took your car and you drove to the city
stayed a while before you find
that the lights drown out the stars
and you gotta get out gotta get away again
so you get up and leave
you get up and drive away to a town so small
and the rural hills and empty skies
they pass the time so quickly by
did you never notice?
did you never care?
that i missed you when you werent there
you gotta get out gotta make it on your own
you aint got no home no place to be
except for here with me
driving aimlessly can drive you insane
you have nobody but your own self to blame
but again you find yourself driving alone
and its not the speed
its not the time
its not any place you could drive to
cuz youll never be happy
youll never be satisfied...
so you take your car
and your driving away again
if you want to get away so bad
then why do your lights find you here again?
if you want to leave this town then go
nobody gonnas hold you back, no
your roads always winding
and your hearts always finding
you back here with me
back heres where you need to be
so take your car
and take all teh time you need
just promise me youll come back to me


youve opened up my mind
youve opened up my eyes
and now i see the truth
which used to hide behind the lies

i see what i thought we were
and i see where we are today
and im amazed that we stuck through it all
through each and every change

im glad we didnt let it go
whatever it was we had
i needed to feel you in me
more than you knew i wanted you bad

as time rolled on
your visions changed
and you see me as something more
does it ever feel strange?

when you touch me i feel beautiful
i feel like im the only one
and i dont care if im blinded by this
like im staring at the sun

ill remain numb
while you eat me away
and ill be conent
youll never hear me say

that i want you gone
or i want it to end
because on your kisses
i do depend

so i wonder what lies ahead
as im thinking of the past
was it just a teasing game
or is it built to last

whats to happen when you go
will you leave without a trace
will you call me will you write
will u even remember my name

i want to be with you
wherever you are
no matter how close
no matter how far

so take me with you
when you leave
ill be like the buttons
on you sleeve

ill hold you together
when you want to fall appart
when your feeling empty
ill be the beating in your heart

and you can have me
whenever you like
ill take the beating
when lightning strikes

ill be your service
ill be your slave
just promise me a place
in your heart to stay

crimson tears from a stoic heart
are the sweetest form of love
and when the storms come which they will
ill stick with you though it may be tough

just ask me and im telling you
ill do whatever i can
just take me with you take my heart
and hold tightly to my hand


lonliness is like a disease healed by only love and compassion. its like nothing is good enough when your alone, like nothing could go right. and then you taste the kiss of a lover. you take a hit of this drug, this drug which numbs your pain. your suddenly euphoric and need to taste this drug again and again. at the beggining is exciting its new its something youve never felt before. and then you take it so much you become dependant on the feeling. you need that constant high, you need that comfort and reassurance. so you feind for it, and you obsess. days go by and you havent had your dose you havent tasted your kiss, you begin to go crazy. withdrawls of emotions are the hardest to bear. then finally you hold what youve wanted in your hands and you cherish it. little by little you use up your drug and your bottle is empty. you now feind for a new taste something stronger something more substantial and all thats there is your terminable high and it begins to wear off. your body pains once again.. and nothing is solved.. nothing can help you.. except for a new drug. a new kiss. and the cycle begins again..


:: 2005 12 July :: 11.33 am

i want your sex

so yetserday i sat around and then dana came over and helped me clean my room it was cute :-) then ya.. and then scott came over and we all smoked then dana left n i watched a movie.... hmmmmmm well whats up for today? hopefully exactly yesterday without a minor/major detail


:: 2005 10 July :: 10.38 am

you make me feel beautiful - ecstacy - heaven - life - you are perfect - nonchalant - pessimistic - gorgeous...

i dont know what im talking about but things are working for me, and im very thankful of that..

sarah and anna are here right now and theyre sleeping
i love them

update later


:: 2005 6 July :: 1.13 pm

Consider the forces which might influence a person's behavior and choices. What influences have played a role in the play so far? How has Romeo responded to the presence or absence of these forces? What can you say about his character based on his behavior?

Well being the stubborn person I am, I have taught myself self control and learned to pave the way for myself. Life has thrown temptations and barracades in my way, but I have a strong head on my shoulders which rarely fails me. In everday life we face people who cause us to be one way, and others another. Constantly juggling us back and forth, from likes, and dislikes. Love playing a big part in our society everyone wanders around searching for love. At 14 and 15 feeling left out when we don't know what love is. Well I believe that personally I have never experienced love, but whose to say for others, my definition surely varies from my peers. Basing a boyfriend or girlfriend upon love at this age is most likely just a hoax. With such immature logic, and undeveloped philosophies love consists merely of puppy dog emotions, lathered with infatuation. Love based upon vision and what is being scene, rather than felt.

Romeo believed that he truly love Rosaline, that he would never be free from her spell. He was infatuated by her, almost intoxicated by her beauty. Under the influence believing that nothing lived finer than she. When the reality is that he was blinded by this drug, this beauty. We are able to see that this so called love was not pure by how quickly he gets over her after the sight of Juliet. This makes me wonder if his intentions were pure. Does he see in her what he did in Rosaline as well? But with Juliet, he is sober, his eyesight is not blurry and loves for her soul. Love can make a person do crazy things. With this as one of the main themes in the play, it shows us that love is about taking risks, and being willing to lose everything you had earned for 5 minutes of happiness. That bliss felt when in the presence of eachother, like two parts of a song coming together, void when played alone, but when together forming a harmony like no other. When each instrument can finish the others song, love feeds off of this song, and grows with each note added, each day passing. Love is something to earned over time, not to be won in an instant.

I believe that Romeo is led by his heart. With the night as his veil, his insecurities are hidden and only his true self shows. Locked up in his room all day blocking out the day it shows us that he doesn't like to face reality, avoiding the light. Romeo and Juliet also show us that, "a life without love, is no life worth living."


:: 2005 4 July :: 12.39 am

as the world grows less aware
we become comfortably numb
wading in the darkness
were hiding from the sun
as the world grows quiet and uncrowded
we watch with open eyes


cant finish that for some reason


eh my hearts not in it right now

so the fireworks were fun tonight the last ones natick will ever have :(

me drew sancho kelsey meaghan katie dunny and the toms went to coolidge hill for the fire works.. it was fun we drank and smoked and had a good time but i wanted to be somewhere else :-[ i want to talk to you..

i want to be with you..


:: 2005 30 June :: 9.43 pm

why would you make me wait
when you know youll never come
why wont you tell me straight
instead of playing dumb?

why would you kiss my lips
when you wanna be saying goodbye
why would you tell me this
when you know its all lies

you make me weak
when you touch me
when you kiss me
im at your beck and call
im yours for keeps
when you love me
when you touch me
im giving it all..

so tell me why would you come here
When you want to be with her
baby why do you sound sincere
when your lifes really just a blur

and why would you drug me
with your innocence and wine
when your drunken and your lovely
and your leaving when the sun shines


beauty in a twisted lie
lovers in the twisted sheets
hating every minute here
yet your still with me
we play our stupid games
of do you love me enough
while were fighting together
were playing so rough

why would you taint me this way
and leave your mark on me
why would you say that youll stay
if its so easy to leave?

why would you call every night
when you dont hear a sound
well if your leaving tonight
you better start walking now..


a hand written letter
Sealed with a kiss
told a tall tale legend
of a love just like this
i saw it in movies
and books that i read
but i never imagined
these thoughts in my head

beauty falls under
pain makes its way
hearing the thunder
the sttorms on its way
if your leaving, get on and go
dont ever let me see your face again

im singing you a lullaby
soft and sweet
your giving me an alliby
your down ten feet deep
maybe we can make up
all this wasted time
under the moon where we kiss
in the untold stories
of a love just like this


"a purple melody floats in one ear and out the other for a moment i am changed. for a moment i am light. for a moment love is effortless. the silver plataue of crimson hovers above me in a lucid strand of heaven, while golden dandilions dance diligently to my melody. memories though esoteric are plenty in this euphoric pasture and they fill my mind. overflowing into an ocean of you. a purple melody floats in one ear and out the other and for a moment i am changed."


an echo in the darkness
bleeds its last goodbye
and im standing here naked
and im ready to cry
i stare deep into your eyes
As you push me away
why do i keep coming back
when i should walk away?
i need to leave you here
i need to start over again
it wont work now
and it didnt happen then
my hearts just an empty
vacume of pain
bordering confusion
im bordering insane
walk the plank little baby
take whats coming to you
walk the plank to your destiny
walk it off walk it off


:: 2005 27 June :: 10.52 am

i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you

I know thereís something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah
youíve built a love but that love falls apart
your little piece of heaven turns too dark

listen to your heart
when heís calling for you
listen to your heart
thereís nothing else you can do
I donít know where youíre going
and I donít know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
the precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
theyíre swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams

listen to your heart
when heís calling for you
listen to your heart
thereís nothing else you can do
I donít know where youíre going
and I donít know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

and there are voices
that want to be heard
so much to mention
but you canít find the words
the scent of magic
the beauty thatís been
when love was wilder than the wind

listen to your heart
when heís calling for you
listen to your heart
thereís nothing else you can do
I donít know where youíre going
and I donít know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

Listen to your heart....mm..mmm

I donít know where youíre going
and I donít know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye


BEACH TODAY WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!! i got soooo tan and saw the man of my dreams lol but he had a girlfriend lol and my mind was elsewhere.... bahaha write more later


:: 2005 26 June :: 10.49 pm

the wake was really hard to take yesterday.. i cried alot but that wasnt the worst part for me.. the worst was the guilt i felt the rest of the night for being happy.. how can i be happy when this perfectly healthy smart young mans life has been ripped away from him without even being given the chance to show what he had to offer the world...its not right..

RIP SLIM 6/22/05

well we went to get something to eat after self medicating.. and then dana came over for a while which was good.. hm..

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 25 June :: 3.50 pm

okay so that was dumb lol

dana and i headed out at like 10:30 stopped to get my money out -- it wouldnt work i had to call my dad and wait about 15 minutes.. finally got the money then headed out got almost all the way there and are looking for exit 5 -- i look at the signs and theyre all going up.. 32, 33, 34 hmmm looks like we took the wrong road lol so we turned back around and drove for a while then got lost again... dana got pissed and decided it wasnt even worth it to go so we drove all the way back home to natick.. oh joy -- i really wanted to go kyaking at this place but dana wouldnt! >:o so we got something to eat then went to the water fall in south natick and sat there for a while it was pretty.. then we left and drove around aimlessly in this damn heat.. n now im back home waiting for something to do.. damn.. what a day


:: 2005 25 June :: 8.59 am

so last night was the oasis concert it was good wickid packed.. we sat in traffic for an hour and a half haha i slept the whole ride home

and now im waiting for dana to get out of work then were off to the sounds of the underground tour which should be fun :-)

update more later







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:: 2005 22 June :: 10.49 am

i love it when you want me..

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 19 June :: 12.39 pm

some of my poetry

when you spend time day dreaming
theres nothing you can truly say
to keep you away from the subject in your mind
its there all the time
but you know that theres this place
its made for those who say
theyre insane and they cant take it
so they mold your life and make it
what you want it to be
what youd like to seee
when you look into the mirror at your face
but they cant replace
the things in your life they say
they must stay.. they must stay


beauty in the wind and sun in the sky
leaves my eyes open and questioning why
all thats around me is falling appart
why my once red heart is now grey and dark
they cant give me an anser
they tell me lifes just a game
intense salutations and too many names
they play tricks with your mind
and theyll trick you with time
tick tock tick tock
too many hands on the clock
spinning you a round until you see
that your worlds all its cracked up to be
theres pain and horror
and curious delight
and the person in the mirror
is a delirious sight
insanity is not enveloped in a room
with white padded walls for you
or in the pills that they stick down your throat
its in the things ppl dont want you to know
on their secrets in their pain
in their one sided brains
its too much its all that they know
and theres nowhere to go..
nowhere to turn
its your turn to burn
tick tock tick tock
too many hands on the clock..

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 18 June :: 1.59 pm

we walk around aimlessly as we search for the answers to lifes questions. but who can really answer them? who can tell you what love is? when love can be interpreted differently by each and every person on this earth? whose to say whats wrong or right? we base everything on our society whats accepted and whats frowned upon. but its never really wrong unless you feel its wrong..

life works in crazy ways and i think that he was sent to me to get past everything.. to make my life easier to make me feel loved.. and its working im happy and i have been for the past week and every seemingly minute change in my life is impacting more than i can even grasp right now

joe and scott came over the other night and we had a talk about death.. and what joe said was completely true people are afraid of death because they feel nothing.. "like sleeping without dreaming" you dont feel anything when your sleeping.. your just.. not there.. and everything is going on around you and you are blissfully un aware.. and that scares me

and i also realized what my problem is..
i am constantly the one giving advice helping ppl analyzing ppl and things around me.. and when i am questioned i cant stand it.. because i am vulnerable and i cant stand rejection because im vulnerable and i cant stand heartbreak because i cant control it.. i hat e situations where im not in control.. just like i cant control whether or not i can hit a baseball when its thrown to me and that fact that i might not hit it shys me away from the game

just like with guys.. im afraid to make the first move because i dont know if they want me.. and once i know they want me im not afraid.. because its gaurenteed.. i wont feel rejection.. and that puts me in control of the situation..

i sit here day by day watching my ashtray fill up with cigarette after cigarette.. and its proof to me that one day is the same as the next..

life is crazy.. love is pain.. pain is pleasure.. and i live for it all..

.. my confession because i'm diluted
& perfectly flawed
i shall live by passion
& not by law
and i'm insecure ...
i need aggression
to feed the spiders of perception
and i'm supposed to be strong
& have all the answers

a cannibal
in the new church of cancer
but i'm nothing special
i'm not unique
i have many secrets

& i eat the weak
and i'm at an end
i'm at an end .....
and there's ...

i need to find my sanctuary
..... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me
..... this is my escape

and i think about it all the time
i'm volatile and afraid to cry
but i'm still not comfortable
in my skin and the
anesthetics slowly wearing thin
& i need to talk to someone new
i need a different latitude
& i'm in this void all alone!

feeling needy... hungry to grow
but i'm suffocating -- can't come down
and .... no ....

--- all i see is sadness
all i see is sadness ....
what's left?
-- this will teach them.
this will teach them,
......you've got to......
PUSH............you are not alone
- this is where i hide my power
- this is where i become free
- this is where i take control
- and slowly choke your fantasies
- i want to know my day is coming

- see my enemies be punished
- shed my skin again
- this will be my best revenge!!

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 18 June :: 1.01 am

why does it feel so good to be so bad...


Put me on the counter in the kitchen
Now baby pour my body with some ice cream
Lick me from head to toe
Bending me over
69'll be the next thing
I wanna taste your body all night long
From sun up to sun down I wanna make you moan


:: 2005 17 June :: 6.20 am

it must of been love
but its over now..
it must have been good
but i lost it somehow...


:: 2005 16 June :: 2.27 pm

You say you wander your own life
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

Youre gone from here, soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

Oh everybodyís changing and I donít feel the same


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