ceci n'est pas un journal

5 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2010 20 September :: 7.44am

:: 2010 18 September :: 9.26pm

I'm going to need you to shut up right now, because I'm incredibly hung over.

:: 2010 17 September :: 9.31pm

I think I told that kid to get our daughter in the backseat of his car.

:: 2010 17 September :: 7.41pm

Ok, I'm watching Friday Night Lights. If I had known that by giving a football player cookies on game day entitled you to making out with him, I would have been doing a lot of baking.

:: 2010 2 September :: 1.16am

HOW IS IT SEPTEMBER ALREADY

This freakout brought to you by wedding stress. For when you really want to stay up all night worrying about shit you could not care less about, there's wedding stress!

:: 2010 26 August :: 9.52pm

Peter Peter Rhyme

Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed
__________________________________
Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!

:: 2010 17 August :: 7.24am

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree."

:: 2010 16 August :: 10.28pm

They spit only to stroke their own cocks.

:: 2010 15 August :: 9.17pm

I wish to alter my bet. Everything on the one with the horse cock.

:: 2010 10 August :: 10.08pm
:: Music: The Postal Service- The District Sleeps Tonight

I'm staring at the asphalt wondering/ What's buried underneath where I am...
Smeared black ink
Your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening
To last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge
A vinyl sticker with big block letters
Adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends
I am a visitor here: I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

The district sleeps alone tonight
After the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving
Into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

:: 2010 5 August :: 6.16pm

:: 2010 31 July :: 9.08am

1 lie | this sentence is false

:: 2010 18 July :: 7.31pm

No food all day. 1/2 cup blueberry Smirnoff, 1/4 cup sprite, 1/4 cup blueberry juice=me completely trashed.

:: 2010 10 July :: 7.53pm
:: Music: Ben Folds Five- Fair

I send my best, cause God knows, you've seen my worst...
you know when you don't listen to an album for a really long time and then you listen to it again and it's like... whoa.

i bought ben folds five- whatever and ever amen, on cd... i already have it, but it's on..umm... cassette tape.... so i haven't listened to it in a while.

<3

:: 2010 10 July :: 7.32am

:: 2010 8 July :: 9.29pm
:: Music: Ben Folds- Kalamazoo

Don't you know that I've been there too?
Ran out of time
Running my mouth
Ran up a tab and
All the way from Kalamazoo
On my way back home
I was surely stoned
Now I'm sober in my yard

Can't believe I was there
Can't believe I've been anywhere else

There was a time
Almost forgot
We had been drifting
All the way to Kalamazoo
And I said that I loved you too
All the way back home

There's an old joke
I just made up
How many of me
Would it take to screw up your life?
One to settle down
One to turn you 'round
Now I'm sober in my yard

I would say you had to be there
And I regret that you're still there

Seems like you'd be frozen
Frozen there in time
Waving your goodbye
High up to the sky

Your place on the map
Has faded away
Looks to be lost in
More that one way, Kalamazoo
Don't you know that I've been there too?
And it puts your mind more at ease
If you'd say the words of release
All the way back home

1 lie | this sentence is false

:: 2010 8 July :: 2.12am

This is where I just keep talking and you guys can leave at any time
I have sunburn for the second time in my life and it sucks even worse than the first time as I am not 10 years old and have to work. At least I only have sunburn on my back, shoulders and knees unlike poor Nick whose face is red and peeling. I learned long ago that the first place I put sunscreen on is my face, especially on my nose and ears.

I've been sick for about a week now, just congested and gross and haven't been able to taste food for that entire terrible week. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to ever taste food again (I had nightmares about tasteless Popeye's chicken and I cried a little) so I went into the bathroom with half a box of Puffs and emerged victorious! I then ate some ham dip and Pita House for lunch.

Speaking of Puffs, how great is it to be a company that has become a household name. I almost typed Kleenex before realizing I bought Puffs (because the only Kleenex at Meijer were the ones with lotion which gross me out and don't have nice, pretty boxes (Great selling point, companies! You've got me down pat. I take these to work and I want to look stylish while I wipe my nose every five minutes.)) and I was thinking about proprietary eponyms. Kleenex, Jello, Google, Vaseline, Q-Tips, Frisbee, Band-Aid, Velcro, Thermos...even Hi-Lighter. It's very interesting how our language has absorbed brand names as actual words. Maybe I'm just watching too much Mad Men.

I took a break from wedding planning for a week or two because I was having dreams about it and stressing out. Now I'm just more overwhelmed because apparently invitations are to be sent out 8 weeks before the wedding (which is the last weekend in August and OMFG IT IS JULY ALREADY WTF YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN TIME KTHX) and I keep having to explain to people (at work) that yes, I'm getting married, no he hasn't proposed. After 6 years, we knew we were going to do this, I don't need some hard consolidated mineral matter (thanks, princeton.edu!) on my finger to know that it's happening. Also, Nick lost his job which means we will soon need a cheaper and less awesome place to live which makes me sad but means more wedding money which we seriously need because my parents have said in the past that they aren't paying for it because they paid for their wedding so I can pay for mine. Although my mom did offer to help out after I called to tell her Nick lost his job. And I might need that help after seeing the price of these places. And my mom is the best dealfinder to ever hit deals.

Have you ever planned a wedding by the way? I don't know why in the world people want to stretch these things out over 6 months or even over a year! I'm stressed out already and I only have to deal with this for 4 months. I talked to Nick about it and he got me to calm down and figure out priorities which immediately made me want to throw up but I'm getting things done, kids (while throwing up)! I'm not actually calling anyone (because it's 2am and I talk to people on the phone all day at work why would I want to do it for leisure) but I've sent out emails and I have a few days off next week so hopefully I can get the hardest parts (ceremony and reception location) out of the way so I can think about food and food. And Nick was completely useless but now that he has time he is very useful.

Okay, this is getting long and I want to go watch another episode of Mad Men before I hop in my oatmeal bath so I'll stop now.

I love you all.

:: 2010 7 July :: 9.29pm

i think i might have a driniking problem.........

:: 2010 6 July :: 8.00pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World- Always Be

How are you gonna know the feeling/ until you lost it?/ I've been losing plenty since...
Could've been a night like any other
One of us has to drive
One of us gets to think
I'll force a laugh to break the silence
It's gonna get harder still
Before it's easy
You can't keep safe
what wants to break

I'm alone in this
I'm a "as-I've-always-been"
Right behind what's happening
She's a "lost-in-this"
She's a light
She'll always be
a little far for me to reach

I was just a boy like every other
I thought I was something fierce
I thought i was ten times smarter
Love would be something that I just know
How are you gonna know the feeling
Until you lost it
I've been losing plenty since

Maybe something else I'm missing
Something good and you're the reason
It's a dream but there's a real world waitng

1 lie | this sentence is false

:: 2010 24 June :: 2.05pm

Nick lost his job.

They eliminated the entire department.

Talked to him, he said the wedding is still on. He actually said "Why wouldn't it still be on?"

He says we'll be okay. He gets severance and we'll be fine as long as we move out of our awesome expensive apartment.

Just crazy timing.

:: 2010 19 June :: 2.46am

Nick and I set a date.

October 23, 2010.

No, he didn't propose yet. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I'm planning it already.

I just figured that if I'm going to get married by the end of the year, I should start planning. I made him set a date without formally proposing since I already know we're going to get married (and have known for years). Talking to my mom (she was naming places and planning and talking about dropping her dress off and food and who to invite...it was awesome), really kick-started the process.

I also realized time is flying by and it's almost July. Like I said, if I want to get this done this year, I should start planning now.

I'm not counting myself as engaged until the ring is on the finger but this is official, kids. I'm not joking.

I'm more excited about this than I think I will be about the proposal.

I love you all.

P.S. I wanted to get married earlier but Nick and I already have the days off of work for October (and we won't have the money by August or September) so I figured why not do it then. I hate that being an adult means planning our wedding around when we can get time off but it's better than never doing it!

P.P.S. I wanted October 10 because then it would be 10-10-10 and Nick would remember it easily. Also 101010 in binary? 42. Perfect. But Nick said he's not planning our wedding on a day "because it looks good in binary" and he sent me this:

public static main()
{
If (you == "robot")
{
Console.WriteLine("OMG!");
}
else
{
Console.WriteLine("Are you sure?);
}
}

P.P.P.S. I don't think Nick's mentioned it to his family yet. I kind of don't want to yet because his older sister just got engaged and I don't want to ruin her moment. Everyone should have a moment that is all about them. Like birthday week. I just told people at work because I was excited.

P.P.P.P.S. Nick's grandfather is doing okay. Thanks, everyone. They ended up not giving him bypass surgery and just putting stints in because they don't think he could handle bypass. However, they give him a good 3-5 years as he is so yay for mediocre health!

:: 2010 13 June :: 10.58pm

I'm nominating him honorary coon-ass.

9 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2010 11 June :: 9.12pm

I'M DRUNK and this is exciting.
the movie of my life.... paul played by jason segal... me played by amy adams.............. AWESOME.

:: 2010 7 June :: 2.57pm

Run! Bitch Run!
1 of 5 stars
Netflix instant

:: 2010 7 June :: 1.23pm

Killer Diller
4 of 5 stars
Netflix instant

4 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2010 7 June :: 1.24am

Nick's grandfather had a heart attack on Saturday and had a smaller one (without knowing it) earlier last week.

He's in the ICU with very low blood pressure and a very low pulse. He was going to have surgery tomorrow but his blood pressure is still very low and the blood thinners haven't left his system yet.

He's in the hospital up in Cadillac. As long as the surgery goes well, we will be visiting him later this week. Luckily, Nick and I both have some days off already scheduled (for our anniversary but whatever, family is first).

Happy thoughts would be welcome.

Love you kids.

:: 2010 4 June :: 10.47pm

Fun!

taoman1121

:: 2010 3 June :: 12.05pm
:: Music: Gorillaz - Stylo

Dear Jim
Dear Jim [Gaffigan]:
I had a weird dream last night where I went on a killing spree, murdering all of my ex-college roommates (I had a lot of them apparently), and for some reason Elvis Costello was fingered for the crime. I sat in the courtroom and watched him get a life sentence, and then he turned to me and smiled and starting singing, "Alison, I know this world is killing you." And the really bizarre part is, my name isn't Alison. What could this dream mean?
- Norah, Lancaster PA

Dear Norah:
Wait--the "bizarre part" was that your name isn't Alison? Really, THAT was the bizarre part? Not the murder spree or your letting a great musician take the heat? Just your name? Lady, you're a nut bag. Stop watching Law & Order before bed.
- Jim

Excerpt from "You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice":
Amazon Page

7 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2010 31 May :: 2.56am

Nick and I are moving to the Seattle area (Redmond or Bellevue, probably) next year.

This is as long as he finishes what he's doing at CC and gets accepted to the school he wants to go to out there. Both of which are very likely and probably most definitely will happen.

So, I'm already pretty nervous/excited about this. Moving out west means higher rent, higher gas prices, higher everything but it's what we've wanted to do for a long time and now we have the chance to do it. Plus it means maybe a scooter for me which ohmanissoexcitingkidsiamsoexcited.

Things I am currently nervous about:
The actual moving process
Moving our 2 cats
Finding a job
Finding a place to live

Any tips on cross-country or long distance moving between now and July 2011 would be appreciated. I have moved states before but only when I was too young to help out or know the logistics of the whole process. And it was never more than 6 hours away. Also, any Seattle advice would be welcomed with open arms.

I love you all.

P.S. This move means we definitely will get married this year. Exclamation point.

:: 2010 28 May :: 3.31pm

This damn thing is as hot as a stiff cock!