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Jessika (profile) wrote,
on 7-8-2004 at 12:44am
Current mood: annoyed
Music: Stupid fucking puppies
Subject: FUCK YOU!
I decided to not go on the camping trip, but right now I am on the edge of a decision. Persausion can do wonders.
Top 4 reasons for me not to go:
1. I wouldn't feel wanted.
2. Another person could go in my place or
3. There would be more room without me.
4. I don't really want to.
That is that.

Lately I have been getting some "vibes" from some a bunch of people. It seems I have been making your life too hard. I have been contributing to the hell your life currently is. And guess what? I don't fucking care anymore. I gave up caring for your emotions just recently. I realized you could care less how often you make me want to cry. It is just a game to you. What are friends for? Not this. So I give up on caring. If something about me is funny, then why not laugh about it? Nobody you don't get hurt in the end, right? Right. I wish I could gain some courtesy. But..Oh Jessika, you had something on your tooth so we sat their laughing about it instead of telling you...THANKS. The best years of my life, right? Of course.

The best part about this is that nobody will know what I am talking about. Figures.
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silversoldier

07-08-04 2:44pm

Reason number one up there... If you don't go, you won't feel wanted. Not the best reason to not go. That suggests you want people to stop caring, which is clearly contradicted in the second half of your post.
Also Jessika, you're taking things the wrong direction in all of this. Despite who you're mad at (and in the event that I'm included, oh joy, I'm making more hell of your life by replying) it's not good to throw emotions to the wind. Yes, there are a fuck of a lot of insensitivities in this world, and you are not immune to them. As much as you think the world is horrible, you'll eventually see you're still a part of it. It's not fair to separate yourself from the human race sheerly from your feelings being hurt/ignored. It happens.
Yeah, I'm going on the offensive in this reply, but I can't always take crap from you. These kind of feelings go on with you, with me, with every other person you associate with.
And at the same time, it's not fair for you to put yourself under humans by saying that you're the butt end of all jokes. Prime example of someone who gets shit all the time from us: Maggie. She's not horrible all the time, but one can portray her that way. It sounds as though you think we do that to you as well. I'm sorry for this little misunderstanding, but it's not happening. Things should be taken very lightly, because there's going to be a lot of conversation in your life. You can't carry everything with you, so you best take the important things. When you start letting those go to hold on to petty arguments and mishaps in relationships, then you burden yourself with dead weight. Most people are willing to forgive, forget, start over with time. That's because they don't bother with their past. Find a peaceful medium.

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Jessika

Re:, 07-08-04 2:54pm

I can't always take crap from you.
When have I EVER asked you to put up with me or take crap from me? It is your choice to take it to heart. Your choice to actually read what I put here. Take you own advice here ;-)

I did not suggest I would feel wanted if I didn't go, but I would. I would be in my own room and not around people, which tends to make me feel wanted. How did that suggest I want people to stop caring? I want more honesty means to stop caring?

I knowI am not immune to insensitivities (is that a word O_o), but I thought I could escape them at certain points at which I have been proven wrong. And I am segregating myself by expressing my emotions? I don't think so.

Computer is going to turn off...

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Jessika

Re:, 07-08-04 3:01pm

I did not say I was the butt end of all jokes. Merely that people could TRY to be more polite once they call themselves my friend. I don't give Maggie shit most of the time. I tend to get along with her. Therefore, I don't think it right for all of you to constantly ridicule her. Mainly because she is not even there to defend herself. That is low.

There is a point when things stop being light. Like when you just can't handle it anymore for whatever reason because of the length of time that it has happened in.

How do I take the best of the important things when I am not even sure what that is?

And if I am so pathetic/stupid/naive then just leave me alone. Go away. You generally do a pretty good job of that.

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silversoldier

07-08-04 3:14pm

Here, Jessika, I see I've pissed you off, and you've asked me to go away. So I'll go away. I try to do what people want of me. I'd hate to get in your way of happiness. Enjoy life.

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Jessika

Re:, 07-08-04 8:41pm

I was already pissed off. Did you think telling me I was completely wrong in every aspect would help any?
I (amazingly) don't hate you. Wow. That is miraculous. What I do hate is your constant sarcasm/irony/assumptions. I wish you could be practical and logical and understandable just once when I talk to you for whatever/ask a question/any time I am around you....I get sick of it. I also get sick of your advice that you fail to follow yourself, but never fail to dish out.

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silversoldier

Re: Re:, 07-08-04 11:08pm

My "constant sarcasm/irony/assumptions" are practical and logical. For my own life. I'm sorry no one's noticed in the past, but I try to work things to my advantage, and lately things are not working. My cynic nature does grind down on people, and I don't care. I'm living my life to get somewhere, and I'm not afraid to drop friendships if I need to. Y'all know I have a hell of a lot of enemies, and most of them became that from tension between us, it did not start off that way.
So I'm sorry that I see the world from another angle, and I'm sorry that I make life a little shittier when I'm around. I'm sorry for listening to your complaining everytime you call me. I'm sorry that earlier on in our friendship you would come to me because I would make you feel better, and you didn't know why. I sure as hell didn't know why either. I'm sorry I'm a huge fucking hypocrite, but that's my nature. I change my rules all the time because my surroundings are changing all the time. I've told you I'm a contradiction to myself, and I've been aware for several years. I'm sorry I don't make any sense to you, but I'm even more sorry that I make less sense to myself. Above all, I'm sorry for my existance, but I'm here, and I'm not taking myself away. What I can do is let you be one step closer to your comfort. You say you want to be left alone in your room with no one to bother you? Fine. I've done that before too. So now that I've taken this little time to explain my sorry little story of you and I, I'll let you go off to your room, and I'll bother you no longer. If I have to cut my ties with you, then I will. You've asked me to already, and I've failed to do so by replying to this statement. But I've always prefered to get my last apology in. If I die, I'd like to do it with a light heart, and not carry any of these apologies with me. So I give them to you. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'm sorry I'm leaving, but I'm glad if it makes you happy.

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DarkSwordDancer

Re: Re: Re:, 07-09-04 12:07am

Nicko.

Dont ever be sorry for your existance.Just dont.Dont dont dont....*sigh*....dont.

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Jessika

Re: Re: Re:, 07-09-04 12:30am

The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming,

so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets.
But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.
I came up a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said "(I am terribly sorry but) there is nothing I can do for you
(that) you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure of it.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing...
Baby don't worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying,
I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company
through those days so long and black.
And we'll just keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve of Love's uneven remainder.
But if the world could remain in a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.
~Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges

I have a friend, he is made mostly of pain. He wakes up, drives to work,

and then straight back home again. He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense of color and composition so magnificent.
And he said "Thank you, please but your flattery is truly not becoming me.
Your eyes are poor. You are blind. You see, no beauty could have come from me.
I am a waste of breath, of space, of time."
I knew a woman, she was dignified and true. Her love for her man was one of her many virtues.
Until one day, she found out that he had lied and decided the rest of her life,
from that point on would be a lie. But she was grateful for everything that had happened.
And she was anxious for all that would come next. But then she wept.
What did you expect? In that big, old house with all those cars she kept.
"Oh!" and "such is life," she often said. With one day leading her to the next,
you get a little closer to your death, which was fine with her.
She never got upset and with all the days she may have left,
she would never clean another mess or fold his shirts or look her best.
She was free to waste away alone.
Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove. And this cop pulled him off to the side of the road.
And he said, "Officer! Officer! You have got the wrong man.
No, no, I'm a student of medicine, the son of a banker, you don't understand!"
The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful. And you carelessness,
it is something awful. And no, I can't just let you go. And though your father's name is known,
your decisions are yours alone. You are nothing but a stepping stone
on a path to debt, to loss, to shame."
The last few months I have been living with this couple.
Yeah, you know, the kind that buy everything in doubles. They fit together, like a puzzle.

I love their love and I am thankful that someone actually
receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us.
And they still do me. I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy.
Will my number come up eventually? Like Love is some kind of lottery,
where you can scratch and see what is underneath. It's "Sorry",
just one cherry, "Play Again." Get lucky.
So I have been hanging out down by the train's depot. No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there. They remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it is all nonsense.
And that their lives are one track, and can't they see how it is all pointless?
But then, my knees give under me. My head feels weak and
suddenly it is clear to see that it is not them but me, who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me.
And everything I have is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.
Sometimes I park my car down my the cathedral, where floodlights point up at the steeples.
Choir practice is filling up with people. I hear the sound escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle. When voices blend they sound like angels.
I hope there is still some room left in the middle.
But when I lift my voice up now to reach them. The range is too high, way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue, forget the song, tie my shoe and start walking off.
And try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God
and I have no faith but it is all I want, to be loved ad believe in my soul.
~Bright Eyes - Waste of paint

Take a mixture of the two, merge it into one, and it will become slightly clearer. If you want to sever ties, that is your choice. Follow your heart and you will eventualy be happy where it leads you. If it leads you over a cliff, don't hesitate.

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DarkSwordDancer

07-08-04 10:38pm

Ok jessika. Im sorry you think that you wouldnt feel wanted which is really ironic since you were the first person who came to mind when i started planning the trip. I dont really want anyone else to go except for the people i already invited. The room thing isnt an issue. But the 4th thing is your own choice and im not going to sit here and beg you to go.

You dont make my life hard...if anything you help unscamble it. Also if people make you want to cry then tell them....especialy if its one of us because usually we dont know we are having that kind of affect on you. And personaly i dont think friendships are games....i cant speak for others...but i can speak for myself.

Im sorry you feel this way toward anyone but i cannot sway your emotions so i wont try.


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Jessika

Re:, 07-08-04 11:36pm

What happened to the 9 people going and only 8 seats? Plus room is needed for bags and stuff...

and about the rest...sorry.

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Anonymous

calm down, 07-09-04 2:59am

just cause they laugh doesn't mean you need to go all psycho that just makes them laugh more. instead become sarcastic and hurt them mentally. i asure it is much more fun

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Anonymous

Re: calm down, 07-09-04 3:04am

in time you can become imune to what people say about you

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Jessika

Re: calm down, 07-09-04 3:07am

Who is this?

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