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|cJessicaPyne (profile) wrote, |
on 12-17-2008 at 3:47pm
|I'm going to throw a curve-ball at you guys and I want feedback.
Unless it makes you feel icky and uncomfortable - in which case, you shouldn't even be creeping my blog.
How do you feel about your parents?
I know it's a loaded question. I'm wondering how you felt about the way they raised you, their rules, their flaws, their greatest moments and mistakes - and will you take any of this with you when YOU become a parent?
Duh, okay, I know you take some of your parents' tendencies with you everywhere but some people absolutely adore their parents and kiss ass to no end. Some would rather feed their kids tic-tacs for breakfast just because their parents never let them have any.
So are you grateful, or spiteful?
I think I'm a little bit of both, honestly.
(my mom, Lynnette, and step-dad Barry.)
My mom never got along with my dad, ever. What with his cheating and all. So I never spent time with the two of them together. Always back and forth. Always.
My dad got married when I was two and spoiled me because he knew my mom couldn't, being a single parent with two daughters. My mom always used to tell him, "You can't buy her love. She'll grow up and realize."
And I did.
But I also realized other things. Like my mom's drug addiction, her alcoholism, her depression. Looking back now, she made it look so easy, but I can tell it took its toll on her. Now she's divorced for the second time, stays in her room 22 out of 24 hours and regularly engages me in drunken arguments.
My mom was never big on affection or taking my sister Casey and I out places. Most of my memories from my single digit days are of Case and I eating popsicles on our front porch, watching the hot air balloons take off and float overhead.
There was a slew of new houses and abusive boyfriends before we actually got settled and my mom seemed to be consistently happy. For awhile.
My friends tend to love my mom because you can tell her anything and she's super easy going. She'll cook for you and teach you her trade secrets (my mom is an amazing cook), but only if you clean up afterwards. She'll come sit and play video games for hours, pressing other people's buttons and trying to cheat.
Sometimes she'll remember things I like and bring them home from the store, and announce it proudly.
And it hurts because she tries so hard.
(Myself and my dad, Carlos, at my sister's birthday dinner.)
My dad used to be my hero. He would drive anywhere to get me and back, and then back again because I forgot my Simba in his car, and then back.
But always with a smile.
I have baby shoes and letters he wrote me when I was growing up, memories of the toy-room he built for me, so stuffed with toys that I couldn't walk through it. I felt like a princess. But after awhile the Victorian dresses and painful hair-dos, and shiny new dolls got old.
Right about the time I did.
My dad is a Spanish (and also Mexican) Catholic. So I became the antichrist when I let my mother cut off my long hair, when I died it neon colors, when I listened to profane music, and when I got my first piercings.
My ears. Wtf?
My relationship has always been strained with my dad, and it only gets worse the older we both get. I have a 3 hour time limit that I allow myself to see him before all bets are off and the fists come out. My dad's a manipulator, guilt-tripper, and cheater. The first time I ever heard him say he was sorry to me, and admit that he was wrong, was when I walked in on him and his secretary in the living room.
It's crazy not to look up to your parents in some ways. Don't get me wrong, the respect is still there. My mom struggled and raised me fine, and my dad dealt with my step-mom's racist parents. Even though he hid me from her family for years.
When I'm with Emilio or Eliseo or Karis, or Kaleb, and I hear something come out of my mouth that sounds born from my parents, it scares me.
Because yes, they raised me successfully, but not without a lot of trauma and anxiety disorders and obsessiveness.
It's why I always loved Alex's mom - you could tell her anything. And Samm's mom never judges, just always wants what's best for you. I don't envy my parents but I'm grateful for everything they've done for me, good or bad, because I'd like to think I'm a strong individual that could deal with pretty much anything - that I haven't already.
How about your parents?
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I think that kids who have parents with more flaws than fingers and toes, grow up to be wiser and better off.
My childhood was shattered into a million pieces that I'm still struggling to put back together today. It's funny that I'm going into this for the THIRD time today. Damn, it's been a rough one and wayyy too emotional.
Re:, 12-17-08 6:21pm
Don't apologize. I asked.
Re: Re:, 12-17-08 6:33pm
I think I decided today that I was giving up on keeping it a "secret." Who really cares? If someone is going to judge me because of what someone else did to me, then they are seriously fucked up in the head and don't deserve my attention anyway.
Re: Re: Re:, 12-17-08 8:15pm
The only way to deal with it, and come to terms with it, is to announce it.
Re: Re: Re: Re:, 12-18-08 5:26am
I "dealt" with it in that respect when I was a junior in high school. With thanks to my psych teacher/mentor in HS, he helped me tell my mom and got the ball rolling. I never stayed in therapy because after trying to go to multiple different people, there just wasn't anyone that I felt I could comfortably talk to. I normally don't have issues with it, and everything stays tucked tightly in the back of my mind, but I have my days, I have my trigger points, and sometimes it just comes flooding back. Yesterday was the first time that had happened in months, probably.
comment, 12-17-08 10:56pm
Well, I believe you know, but you want feedback, so I am going to give it to you. HaHa. So, here I go.
Hey, this is Natalie.
That's quite the post. But my parents were pretty shitty. Though, I as well, find myself taking after the things they did and say. And it sucks. Hard.
Re:, 12-19-08 11:44am
AH, yes! I remember! My parents never really had rules, nor did they really give a damn about me or what I was doing. So I had quite a bit of freedom. Which has its drawbacks. But you know, they were the perfect role models. My mom's alcoholism and my dad's skirt chasing showed me what not to be like.
i wrote a hella long response that i will post on my own journal for ease of reading. then i won't clutter up your comments too badly.
I responded in my own journl as well, i'm a little behind!