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cJessicaPyne (profile) wrote,
on 12-17-2008 at 3:47pm
Subject: Parents?
I'm going to throw a curve-ball at you guys and I want feedback.
Unless it makes you feel icky and uncomfortable - in which case, you shouldn't even be creeping my blog.

How do you feel about your parents?

I know it's a loaded question. I'm wondering how you felt about the way they raised you, their rules, their flaws, their greatest moments and mistakes - and will you take any of this with you when YOU become a parent?

Duh, okay, I know you take some of your parents' tendencies with you everywhere but some people absolutely adore their parents and kiss ass to no end. Some would rather feed their kids tic-tacs for breakfast just because their parents never let them have any.
So are you grateful, or spiteful?

I think I'm a little bit of both, honestly.

(my mom, Lynnette, and step-dad Barry.)

My mom never got along with my dad, ever. What with his cheating and all. So I never spent time with the two of them together. Always back and forth. Always.

My dad got married when I was two and spoiled me because he knew my mom couldn't, being a single parent with two daughters. My mom always used to tell him, "You can't buy her love. She'll grow up and realize."
And I did.

But I also realized other things. Like my mom's drug addiction, her alcoholism, her depression. Looking back now, she made it look so easy, but I can tell it took its toll on her. Now she's divorced for the second time, stays in her room 22 out of 24 hours and regularly engages me in drunken arguments.

My mom was never big on affection or taking my sister Casey and I out places. Most of my memories from my single digit days are of Case and I eating popsicles on our front porch, watching the hot air balloons take off and float overhead.

There was a slew of new houses and abusive boyfriends before we actually got settled and my mom seemed to be consistently happy. For awhile.

My friends tend to love my mom because you can tell her anything and she's super easy going. She'll cook for you and teach you her trade secrets (my mom is an amazing cook), but only if you clean up afterwards. She'll come sit and play video games for hours, pressing other people's buttons and trying to cheat.

Sometimes she'll remember things I like and bring them home from the store, and announce it proudly.
And it hurts because she tries so hard.

(Myself and my dad, Carlos, at my sister's birthday dinner.)

My dad used to be my hero. He would drive anywhere to get me and back, and then back again because I forgot my Simba in his car, and then back.
But always with a smile.

I have baby shoes and letters he wrote me when I was growing up, memories of the toy-room he built for me, so stuffed with toys that I couldn't walk through it. I felt like a princess. But after awhile the Victorian dresses and painful hair-dos, and shiny new dolls got old.
Right about the time I did.

My dad is a Spanish (and also Mexican) Catholic. So I became the antichrist when I let my mother cut off my long hair, when I died it neon colors, when I listened to profane music, and when I got my first piercings.
My ears. Wtf?

My relationship has always been strained with my dad, and it only gets worse the older we both get. I have a 3 hour time limit that I allow myself to see him before all bets are off and the fists come out. My dad's a manipulator, guilt-tripper, and cheater. The first time I ever heard him say he was sorry to me, and admit that he was wrong, was when I walked in on him and his secretary in the living room.

It's crazy not to look up to your parents in some ways. Don't get me wrong, the respect is still there. My mom struggled and raised me fine, and my dad dealt with my step-mom's racist parents. Even though he hid me from her family for years.

But whatever.

When I'm with Emilio or Eliseo or Karis, or Kaleb, and I hear something come out of my mouth that sounds born from my parents, it scares me.
Because yes, they raised me successfully, but not without a lot of trauma and anxiety disorders and obsessiveness.

It's why I always loved Alex's mom - you could tell her anything. And Samm's mom never judges, just always wants what's best for you. I don't envy my parents but I'm grateful for everything they've done for me, good or bad, because I'd like to think I'm a strong individual that could deal with pretty much anything - that I haven't already.

How about your parents?
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12-17-08 5:30pm

I think that kids who have parents with more flaws than fingers and toes, grow up to be wiser and better off.
I learned a lot from my parents (more things NOT to do than what to do).
I love my dad to death, and I know he would walk through fire for me. He has done so much for me, and for my friends.

My mom is whole 'nother story in itself. She's a piece of work. She tries though and I do have to give her credit for that. But she needs to realize that kids come before boyfriends, beer, cigarettes and drugs. And that she cannot interfere with peoples relationships.

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12-17-08 6:15pm

My childhood was shattered into a million pieces that I'm still struggling to put back together today. It's funny that I'm going into this for the THIRD time today. Damn, it's been a rough one and wayyy too emotional.

Basically my dad was a fucking jack ass and abused the hell out of me until he was diagnosed with cancer around the time that I turned 13. My mom was clueless and was diagnosed with MS when I was 6, and the whole ride home from dinner I was asking myself what my mom really did for me, and the answer is nothing much aside from helping me with homework and listening to all the cool stuff I learned at school that day. She had absolutely no say in disciplining me; it was all my father who would ground me in front of her then do unthinkable things or bribe me with said things to get out of my groundings. Disgusting.

I hated them both.

Had my dad not been diagnosed with cancer, I probably would have committed suicide before my 14th birthday.

He was the wise one though. Every time that I screwed up, it was a lesson learned and he said some things to me that I will forever cherish and hold close to my heart. We've had some real serious talks, and he's taught me things that I pass on to my friends, and if I ever have kids, I'll pass it on to them too.

My parents sucked fucking balls when I was growing up, and I'm surprised that I still managed to turn out relatively normal. I guess I can thank my friends' parents as well as having amazing teachers who's words also stuck with me.

As a 22, almost 23 year old, I can say that I finally love both of my parents, and surprisingly enough, I feel that I can finally be a daddy's girl and relish in his amazing advice, humor, and wit. My mom is more fragile than ever, and I'm incredibly protective. After extensive therapy on my dad's end, we sort of have an okay relationship.. at least on the outside. Inside, I feel incredibly uncomfortable around him, and I'm still terrified of being alone. Still, he teaches me, and I'm grateful. I have also heard them both say, for pretty much the first time, that they're proud of me. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

I agree with what Raych [I think that was her name] said above me.. you learn from the flaws your parents had/have, and from the mistakes they made while raising you. I am an amazing person because of what I have been through, and I view myself as being strong as hell most days aside from frequent set backs.. it's better than where I used to be.

Sorry for the novel, I guess. It feels good to talk about it sometimes, and I appreciate you listening/reading.

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Re:, 12-17-08 6:21pm

Don't apologize. I asked.
And besides, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me (not that you're ever uncomfortable saying anything!)

Thank you for dishing. I feel the same uncomfortable aura around my father and I don't think that will ever change.

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Re: Re:, 12-17-08 6:33pm

I think I decided today that I was giving up on keeping it a "secret." Who really cares? If someone is going to judge me because of what someone else did to me, then they are seriously fucked up in the head and don't deserve my attention anyway.

I'm not going around and flaunting it all over the world or anything, but if it comes up I'm not going to divert my eyes and shake my head. I'm a goddamn survivor--NOT a victim. So I should act like it =]

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Re: Re: Re:, 12-17-08 8:15pm

The only way to deal with it, and come to terms with it, is to announce it.
Harboring secrets will just add to the depression and guilt that "victims" feel, and they will always feel like a victim.

Its sad that those who are supposed to be our protectors, are the ones that actually do the most harm, yet they teach us so much. And unfortunately it happens to more people than we are aware of.

Our parents are not only there to hopefully guide us in the right direction and teach us right from wrong, and the little things like tying our shoes, but they are there to show us that they are human and they make huge mistakes, and have a hard time dealing with life. Some parents have a harder time than others. And some parents are better with kids that aren't their own, and that is why our friends find our parents 'way cooler' than we ever would imagine them being. Some parents try to be a friend more than a parent, and unfortunately some parents don't realize that they screwed up until it is too late...

And that is way longer than I anticipated.

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Re: Re: Re: Re:, 12-18-08 5:26am

I "dealt" with it in that respect when I was a junior in high school. With thanks to my psych teacher/mentor in HS, he helped me tell my mom and got the ball rolling. I never stayed in therapy because after trying to go to multiple different people, there just wasn't anyone that I felt I could comfortably talk to. I normally don't have issues with it, and everything stays tucked tightly in the back of my mind, but I have my days, I have my trigger points, and sometimes it just comes flooding back. Yesterday was the first time that had happened in months, probably.

My woohu comment are generally always longer than I anticipate, so don't feel bad lol

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comment, 12-17-08 10:56pm

Well, I believe you know, but you want feedback, so I am going to give it to you. HaHa. So, here I go.

When it comes to my parents together, it was never good, not at all. My dad was abusive, verbally, physically, emotionally, anyway possible pretty much. They "broke up" a few times that I remember. And there was this one time is specific that pops into my head. After a huge fight between them, my mom invited over some guy named Bill or Bob(not quite sure which name it was), and I was upset and crying so I went into her bedroom, and they were kissing and stuff on the bed. I was very young at this point and didn't know what to do, I ran back into my room and started bawling my eyes out. Then, her "boyfriend" came in and speed walked over to my bed, said "Shut the hell up you little bitch" and back handed me. This shows my mom's taste in men. They were never good together(my mom and dad) and never will be. I remember the day my mom found out he was seeing someone else, she told him to leave, but the next few days following, she was begging him to come back. And the sad thing was, in my mind, I was begging him to stay away. I wanted him to leave. I didn't want him in our house anymore, and I wanted nothing to do with him because of everything he put us through.

Now, my mom as herself. That is a different story. Yes, my mom is..for lack of a better word..sick. She cannot do much, but she is the greatest mother in the world, in my eyes. To me, she can do no wrong, and she hasn't..not yet. HaHa. We havea great relationship and I am thankful for that.

Huh, now my dad...whoa. Total difference from my mom. He is still pretty "rough around the edges", but luckily he is not physically abusive anymore. I mean, him and the younger kids have a decent relationship, which is good because I would not want them to have the relationship him and I have. He has called me a pill popper, he ignores me, I'm pretty sure he resents me, and everytime we talk it turns into a fight. Even about the smallest things, like directions to the hospital the other day when Tanna almost broke her finger. Me and him have a lot of hostility towards each other. Well, I am hostile towards him anyway. But yet again, what good has he done for me.

But, both of them have tought me life lessons, both good and horrible. I will never judge my kids, or anyone thanks to my mom. I will never get married, thanks to my dad. I will never cheat, thanks to my dad and seeing what it does to a family. I will never allow my children to feel as if they cannot talk to me, thanks to my mom. I will spend time with my kids.

My mom has taught all of the good things to do as you can see, and my dad, is the master teacher of what not to do.

That's my feedback. Love ya.

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12-17-08 11:46pm

Hey, this is Natalie.

Random form of communication, but as Facebook obviously won't work, and it's pretty late, this is what's left.

I need to know what your plans are for school and the room next semester. So, either let me or Terrance know.


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12-19-08 10:20am

That's quite the post. But my parents were pretty shitty. Though, I as well, find myself taking after the things they did and say. And it sucks. Hard.

But you know, if my parents didn't raise me they way they did(or didn't) I probably would be a completely different person. And I like this me too much.

Gah, I really forgot what I was trying to say here. o.o

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Re:, 12-19-08 11:44am

AH, yes! I remember! My parents never really had rules, nor did they really give a damn about me or what I was doing. So I had quite a bit of freedom. Which has its drawbacks. But you know, they were the perfect role models. My mom's alcoholism and my dad's skirt chasing showed me what not to be like.

I think that about sums up what I was trying to say.

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12-19-08 3:58pm

i wrote a hella long response that i will post on my own journal for ease of reading. then i won't clutter up your comments too badly.

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12-22-08 7:25pm

I responded in my own journl as well, i'm a little behind!

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