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2004 28 April :: 10.53 pm
Oh yes..
Doomster died in his sleep last night at Brandon's house =( *sigh*
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2004 28 April :: 10.48 pm
Went and helped mom unload her storage thingy. She was talking about having a garage sell this weekend and leaving on monday to go up to Georgia. She said she'd probably stay a week.
Mom got inside this giant dumpster to get these boxes and we found some boxes full of Effexor and Lexapro, both of which I used to take and mom now takes.
Mom's a dumpster diver. hehe.
Go Mom.
do de do de...
Whomper ... =)
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2004 28 April :: 12.34 pm
Whompers!
The little malted chocolate candies are not called WHOPPERS but in fact are called WHOMPERS according to Craig.
"The whompers even come in those little milk cartons" he says.
Isn't that cute?
Whomper...
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2004 27 April :: 11.22 pm
Eh... experienced major sickness this morning.
It sucked ass....
I waited for brandon all fucking day at his house to come home and he FINALLY got there at like, 5:30. He said beau's truck got all fucked up. It's a long story.
I pierced my other eyebrow :P Brandon's mom gave me a shitload of these awesome earrings so I could pierce my ears some more but I left them at brandon's.
Doomster is at Brandon's now. I can't keep him anymore because JEFF SUCKS.
eh.
Andrew is homeeeee =) Happiness, happiness.
Highlight of the day: I found a big plastic heart ring!
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2004 27 April :: 10.52 am
Couldn't sleep last night so I pierced my ears some more.
I have to call the ASPCA sometime today so they can come take doomster :(
My tummy hurts....
Might go to brandon's in a couple hours...blah blah blah.
Oh yeah, the two dollars is FINALLY being sent off. hehe. :P
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2004 26 April :: 4.48 pm
Do de do de....
Chatting in the cutter's room. Fun fun...
Confusion has settled over my body. Eh.
Hmm...
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2004 26 April :: 10.23 am
Waiting for Craig to come on.
ONE more day until Andrew gets hereeee!
And then I'm leaving to Georgia. Eh. That didn't work out very well.
do de do de.
I need to find a home for doomster :(
Undoom...
*hugs* to the pixie
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2004 25 April :: 2.04 pm
My poor little toe has been injured on jerry's computer piece.
Damn him.
Once again, the bird's are talking when Craig is NOT on the phone so I am still concidered a nutcase. o.O
do de do de.
I'm going to georgia on the 9th. I'll probably be there for a month or two.
Fun fun.
Can't wait =P
hmmm...I need new clothes.
Blah.
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2004 24 April :: 11.49 pm
Brandon got me a kitty and her name is Doomster =)
teehee.
Eh. So much shit happened today. Brandon's mom's boyfriend hit him and they got into a really bad fight. I was the helpless little person trying to hold Brandon down.
....that didn't work out too well.
Told him about Georgia.... blah blah.
hmmmm....
Oh yes.... my shoulder and jaw got popped out of place due to wrestling with Brandon.
Damn him.
And oh yes.... the kitty has a PINK bottle! =)
hehe...*hugs* Pixie.
Andrew will be here in THREE days!
Doom :P
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2004 23 April :: 4.26 pm
Talking to Craig on the phone...
do de do de.
Georgia should be fun.
I'm looking forward to it.
Question from Craig: Why do we drive on park ways and park on drive ways? If anybody can figure out the answer to this question, please notify Craig immediately :P
hehe.
Pixieness!!!!!!!!!! You should come online. I think i've got a better way to send the stuff through the mail =P
Craig "needs his gnome picture, dammit!!!"
;)
BLAH.
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2004 22 April :: 6.32 pm
I was just informed that being Bisexual means you are a "slut".
If you are Bisexual, you run back and forth to both sexes which, makes you a "slut".
IF.... you are bisexual, You are never in love with just one person. You have to be in love with TWO people. One female and one male.
....You are not a true bisexual unless you do all of the above.
And if you do.... YOU are a "slut".
Fucking morons...
I mean jesus christ. Give me a fucking break. You have to be damn SMART to come up with something like that.
Eh.
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2004 22 April :: 3.07 pm
5 days until Andrew comes home...
Confusion.
And my tummy hurts =P
Hmm...
*sigh*
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2004 22 April :: 10.11 am
Went to my room at about 12 a.m and layed there until 8:30 a.m listening to depressing matchbox 20 songs.
Eh.
And no matter how tired I was, I still couldn't sleep.
*sigh*
I feel like shit.
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2004 22 April :: 12.40 am
Oh yes...
I'm doing great with the food thing =)
I forgot to add that during my 2 hours of insanity.
And I wuv you Andrew :P
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2004 22 April :: 12.31 am
*sigh*
Talked with Brandon.
Jesus.
I do love him a whole lot...
And we really are doing much much better.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say...
I do love him though.
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2004 21 April :: 11.24 pm
Went to the 7 gates of hell thing, got into a wreck, we got stuck out there for a couple hours trying to fix the jeep.
After that.... Brandon kept yelling at me over what time I had to be home and he said ALL this shit.
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazing how you can cut and not feel a thing.
And ya know... he was mad because me and everybody else were having fun while we were trying to get out. JUST BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING LAUGHING!!!
We got out fine... and jesus christ.
I'm fucking losing it.
....and ya know....
I actually have the guts tonight.
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2004 21 April :: 4.19 pm
Liz is quite the bitch to me today.
Actually, she's not even speaking to me...
It's all over the fucking SEX thing.
All of it.
The fight and everything...
Jerry said if I ever said anything about Liz "again", he'd kill me. I never even fucking said anything about Liz.
I said they would never stop FUCKING.
They don't think about what it might do to other people.
But ya know... it's not them. It's me.
I'm fucked.
....And it's SO fucking easy to end it all.
I just don't have the guts to do it.
I keep wishing and wishing for something.
And half the time, I have no idea what I'm even wishing for.
I want to gather all my thoughts and lay them out in front of me....Search through them some.
Put some in, throw some out...
I just wanna be someone else for one night...
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2004 21 April :: 2.06 pm
:: Music: Anthem of our dying day
Talking to Craig on messenger.
I swear to god, he's my clone.
Kinda scary...
MISS PIXIE, you need to sign onto messenger. I'm beginning to miss you muchly.
Andrew's been gone for SIX days. God, it seems like forever. Eh.
Come home, Andrew =(
Do de do de. Might go with Brandon and Jessie at 6. Fun fun. I'll finally be out of the house :)
*sigh*
So many thoughts.
Much confusion.
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2004 20 April :: 10.44 pm
:: Music: Anthem of our dying day--
*sigh*
This is probably the worst break down that I've had since I was 13. I have all these things in my head that are all mixed up and I can't even figure out what they all are. I just know they're there and they won't go away.
I've been having really bad flash backs of Bryan and everything. I've been told that's apart of the PTSD.
Jerry and I got into the first physical fight we've been in for a while. Of course, I pushed him first....
He kept moving closer and closer to me and he was saying I was stupid and I could never amount to what he is. I kept telling him to get away from me and get out of my face and he told me to "shut the hell up" and that I was "gonna listen to every word he had to say".
Eh.
I don't remember exactly what happened. I just remember hitting him and pushing him a couple times.
To add to the excitement, Jeff came in there a grabbed Jerry and then he told me that we both need to stop our shit. Mom had me ... Jerry left. Blah blah... Brandon was on the phone when it happened.
He probably won't be coming over for a while due to violence prevention.
I went in my room and cried on the phone to Brandon ...
*sigh*
There's still more excitement =P
I started hypervenilating...
I knew I couldn't cut or anything so I took a few of my anti-depressants.
Ended up puking that up ...
After that, I got into the bathtub and layed down.
I thought about what Andrew might say to me if I would have been speaking with him. He usually has something to say that makes me feel incredibly better.
....then, I slid my head under the water and listened to my heartbeat.
Pixie was also on my mind a lot. Maybe because some of the things I did reminded me a lot of her. Took me a little while to remember just EXACTLY how it felt to be in that position.
The pills and everything...
That's about the shortest version of what happened that I could come up with.
*sigh*
I hate thinking back on it all. I don't remember everything but I do know that I was out of control.
And it's all exactly how it ended up when I was 13. Only now, I have to fight harder against the cutting.
Mom kept telling me that I need to take my medicine. She said she can tell when I haven't.
....Little does she know that my anti-depressants happen to be my drug of choice.
And that's exactly how it was when I was 13.
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2004 20 April :: 6.48 pm
This is all getting worse and there's no way in hell I'm living off of medication for the rest of my life...
It's not just the stuff I was already fucking stuck with. Things just keep adding right onto all the other shit.
...and you can't just rely on one person your whole life 'cause they won't always be there to run to.
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2004 20 April :: 6.45 pm
First of all, If I ever hear Jerry and Liz fucking again, I'm gonna fucking KILL them both.
Second of all, I AM NOT A FUCKING SEX OBJECT.
I'm so damn tired of everybody's sick comments...
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2004 20 April :: 5.16 pm
Brandon wants to go to the 7 Gates of Hell on friday with all of our "friends"
It's some crazy place that I had never heard of and didn't really believe. I ended up finding a map on the internet and its down one of the main streets to my house.
That was enough proof for me.
It sounds freaky as hell. I'm not sure that I'll go. I don't exactly plan on being sacrificed this weekend.
Nobody's made it to the 7 gate.
o0o0o0o. Hehe.
Might go to Brandon's later.
I'm thinking of you Andrewwwwww. =P
*hugs* Pixie.
EAT!
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2004 20 April :: 12.11 pm
Here I am...
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2004 20 April :: 10.55 am
I awoke to the sweet words of Mother.
She was yelling "Kristen! Hurry, I need a safety pin! I'm gonna be late!"
Hehe.
She looked really pretty but you could see her bra out of the top of it and it just didn't look very "professional". (She had an interview at the car dealership)
So we spent about 10 minutes trying to find someway to hide her bra. We just couldn't do it cause you could always see the safety pin.
Eventually, she just left like that.
Teehee.
She hasn't even backed out of the driveway yet and she calls from her cell phone.
"Kristen, if you get REALLY bored you can feed the dogs and clean the littler box. Love you, bye"
Hehe.
She's so great.
Oh yes, one other thing....
The owner of the dealership thinks she's hot and he always has. She says "Kristen, OF COURSE I'm gonna get the job! He thinks I'm hot *smile*"
The bra thing might work out after all...
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2004 19 April :: 6.22 pm
The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
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2004 19 April :: 6.05 pm
Getting upset...
*sigh*
Brandon also said he'd call an hour ago.
All of his friends are probably there.
Go figure.
I have been obsessing over people's bodies all fucking day today.
....and here I am not doing shit about it.
I was doing really good and I fucked it all up.
Eh...
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2004 19 April :: 5.50 pm
:: Music: Echo
I miss the Andrew ...
Eating Mac and Cheese.
Yummy.
I did really good with the not eating much thing for a while. And then I made the mac ...
Damn.
I was in a chatroom and somebody was looking for help because they found out they had HIV ....
They were asking where the HIV chat was. The people in there kept calling him a fag and a drug junkie and saying they hoped he died anyway 'cause the world is better without fags.
Fucking assholes...
I talked to the guy a bit and helped him find the chat. He thanked me and said "god bless you"
It got me really upset.
*sigh*
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2004 18 April :: 10.46 pm
Poem written by a third grader...
Happiness Is...
Happiness is finding neat rocks.
Happiness is when my mom is home.
Happiness is knowing that you have all your homework.
Happiness is when you don't have any homework.
Happiness is summertime.
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2004 18 April :: 10.01 pm
Fuck the guy that I was so "confused" about because there's nothing to even FUCKING BE CONFUSED ABOUT ANYMORE!!!
I don't even really know why I'm upset.
Maybe because I needed a reason out.
....I hate this fucking confused feeling. If I have to be like this for ONE more day, I'm gonna fucking shoot myself and ANDREW, YOU NEED TO FUCKING COME HOME.
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2004 18 April :: 8.20 pm
Snuck Brandon in last night and he stayed the night.
I can't believe it's only been THREE days since Andrew left 'cause it sure as hell doesn't seem like it.
Jeff has made his weekly decision on what animals he wants gone. This time he chose ALL of them. Mom said "Well, it seems like you want all of us gone too. It's not like we have a relationship or anything."
Of COURSE, Jeff said nothing back. He has no communication skills when it comes to making things right with his wife cause he's a fucking dickhead.
*sigh*
I still miss the Andrew =(
I have also decided not to weigh myself for 2 weeks. I might not get the urge to eat if I do that. lol...
Stupid thing I do.
Eh.
Mom rented School of Rock, Intolerable Cruelty, and Something's Got to Give.
School of Rock is fucking awesome =)
*hugs* for Pixie and Andrew
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