friends | profile | guestbook

One day at a time

recent entries | past entries

:: 2005 10 July :: 12.08 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Ani

Not that anyone reads this anymore
And I am NOT about to put a link anywhere for anyone TO read it...

but...Chris screwed me over in more ways than I could ever write about...and I feel soooooooo stupid for ever wasting my time with him.

But now I know what a real relationship feels like, what it means to be in love, and most importantly, what it feels like to have the person you love love you back and show you how much he cares on a regular basis.

Chris broke up with me (pretty ironic actually) in March, and days later, I was hanging out with Ben, hoping something would come out of it. the middle of April we were spending every second together and it's just amazing...

He's sooooo good to me. I'm not deserving of it all, but I'm so greatful for everything he does and everything he puts up with. This relationship is so much better based on one fact alone: we're open with each other. We talk about things I never would have been able to discuss with other people, we support each other, etc.

Who knows what's going to happen when I graduate in May, if we're even still together, but I know it'll all work out smoothly and how it's supposed to.

The end.

1 Deep word | Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 11 October :: 10.05 pm
:: Music: Everclear, the concert is in 3 weeks!!!

I have to announce...I wanted to write this down somewhere...
I think I may be in love with Chris...

We talked on the phone for a long time tonight..well the other day when we talked on the phone he kept bringing up plans for this weekend. I could tell he's glad I'm coming home and that he's excited as well...
I haven't seen him in what will be three weeks...longest time ever...
so tonight
when I hung up
I said to my neighbor.."aww, I like him SOOOOOOOO much" and it just felt like it used to ... back to the dreamy state...
I think I may be in love, but the thought of that scares me to death.
The 14th is our six month anniversary...

well, we never declared a day but, I use that one...

which, a few weeks ago HE brought up that we're coming up on six months.
i just
LOVE him.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 10 September :: 7.42 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls--Slide

SO much has happened
But right now I'm so disgustingly bored. My only two friends went home this weekend, and I am so jealous.
Chris said he'd call me today and he still hasn't...he's seriously become one of my best friends...which makes it even worse when he chooses to say goodbye....

I lose not only a lover, but a best friend...
it's like...I turn to him for EVERYTHING...who will I turn to the day he says goodbye?

I'm sad.
BUT next weekend he's coming to stay with me. I Can't WAIT. I just want to be with him so much.
I saw him last weekend...this is the first weekend in months we won't be together...
I don't even REMEMBER the last time we went two weeks without seeing each other. April, maybe?
I think...
man it's gonna get hard.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 22 August :: 1.52 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Sarah Mclachlan

So...five days...til my life basically does a 360.

Eh, there's not enough time left in those five days, either. I need to unpack and repack (basically clothes) finish cleaning my room and bathroom, and of course
say goodbyes...

Chris ...argh...I love being with's just hard...I feel like sometimes he just doens't care...I get really irritated at stuff..
and we don't talk about important stuff...
like are we still gonna be "together" when I'm away.....
I mean...he implies that we are, by loosely making plans for the future (Bills game, Canada, etc. etc.)

But I have no idea.

I ordered my computer (finally) last week, unfortunately, it's not due to even SHIP til the thirty-eth, but...
My monitor, my flat panel monitor! came yesterday...

I better go unpack clothes, I know I packed way too many.


Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 17 August :: 10.38 am
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls

Ten days until I leave...
INSANE. 7 Subway shifts...
Time is flying...I remember "Four months til Oswego!"
And..they were great months, I just don't want this summer to end. I feel like I didn't get enough time with people I wanted to spend time with...
It sucks.
I can't believe...just over a week...
My room will never get clean...the more I get rid just still stays a disaster...
it doesn't make sense.
And money...
After I paid all my tuition and fines and everything...
I saved nothing...
:-( argh.
Oh well...
I'm turning a page in my life...
Unfortunately it means leaving certain people and things behind...

it'll all work out.
I just don't know how to say goodbye.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 11 August :: 1.23 pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: MusicMatch Radio--Alternative Rock

Woah, I haven't updated in FOREVERRRR
So much to write about.
I can't believe I didn't even write about the Fourth of July. I'll start there, since that's where I left off.
Friggin amazing. SERIOUSLY.
My dad fixed my car enough for it to make it to Amherst and back, that's good.
Then Chris, Ronnie, and I took the subway from Subway (lol) to downtown to see the Goo Goo Dolls and Ani Defranco play. It was sprinkling at first, and then pouring. We got soaked, but it was still fun. And I realized that if it hadn't rained, we woulda been really hot and sweaty, so I was glad kinda.
So then, the rain stopped for Goo Goo Dolls.
And we finally got as comfortable as possible...for being soaked. Half way through the set, it starts POURING...but Goo Goo Dolls still played and the fans stayed..
"Only in Buffalo!"
So, this time, I didn't like it. It was FREEZING cold rain, and it was going right in my eyes, I couldn't even keep my eyes open, and right in my mouth, eww. But Chris held me and I loved it.
And then I was muy sad because it was still raining...and I love fireworks. And we were about to leave and then. The rain stopped and then...FIREWORKS! It was like PERFECT timing...
it was just so amazing...being in Chris' arms while watching my favorite thing on my favorite day of the year...

And I have to say, I really enjoy Ronnie. The next day the three of us went to see Farenheit 911 and it was cool, but the three of us haven't hung out since.

I have no idea what else happened in July, I can't even remember. Oh, I talked to my Room mate, Jessica, that was exciting, because my biggest fear was that she'd be a bitch and make my life miserable. But she was AWESOME, so nice, and we were joking already. So, I can't wait to meet her...
which brings me to
16 days until I leave.
Woah. I don't want to say goodbye to Chris, but I know I'm going to have to.
It's hard.
I also turned 19 last week and...
I have like 13 Subway shifts left, that's exciting!

I'm almost done packing for Oswego, that's cool...
My room is still not clean though, I don't get it. I have too much stuff.
I'll try to update more often. Yay.
The end.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 3 July :: 10.06 am
:: Music: Rascall Flatts--My worst fear

It's gonna be hard to tell you that I'm leaving, now that I know just how much you care
SOOOOOOOOO my FAVORITE day of the year is tomorrow, and guess who I'm spending it with....CHRIS!! I'm so excited...

Can I tell you just how much I don't want to go to Oswego anymore? It's the end of the greatest thing that I have.

It's sad. It's even more sad that I paid for the semester in full, and now my bank account is pretty empty. That's what's sad. I'm poor.

Jessica, my future roommate hasn't called me, and you better believe that she better call me soon!!!! I need to meet the person that I'm going to be LIVING with...argh...

Chris told me he's lucky to have me to spend tomorrow with...
I think every organ in me just melted when he said that...aww..I can't believe he said that...aww...I like him SOOOOOOOOOOO much....
He picked me up from the airport Wednesday...


Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 13 June :: 10.18 am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: Body Movin

Wow, this kid continues to amaze me to no end.

We went to OLIVE GARDEN yesterday. Can I just tell you that I've never even BEEN to the Olive Garden, let alone on a date? I was expecting like Denny's, Tom Whal's, etc...
then we went to the movies, and then back to his house for a while.


I'm so happy.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 8 June :: 2.18 pm
:: Music: Beastie boys.....I can't get enough!!!!!

do do do do do dooo GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS...
So....Chris and I had that little fight....definately stupid, but I'm glad we're both into each other enough to just forget the whole frickin' thing.

Saturday was awesome. Molly is my hero, let me leave work at nine, went home, got ready for a HALF HOUR, go me, went to Adam's, hung out with Chris, Adam and Rene, we made pizzas and strawberry daqari's and other frozen was so much fun. Later Mike and CJ came, I have to say, they're fun people. I'm glad that I like his (well his oakfield friends, as I've never met his amherst friends) friends, cuz that makes things a lot easier.

Yeah, CJ and Mike made me feel like one of "them" and like they'd known me forever...
it was was fun..


I'm going up to Chris' Amherst house Saturday, maybe spending the night, I don't'll be fun though. Chris always plans little things that just turn out to be so amazing...I'm really going to miss this when I'm in Oswego, cuz it's going to be very hard for anyone to make me feel the way Chris does..without even trying, it seems.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 3 June :: 8.56 am
:: Music: How Far--Martina McBride

So I guess things are alright with me and Chris, thank GOD, because this weekend showed how much I really do care about "us" working...

I hate my work schedule, it messes things up. I hope he's staying at his mom's tonight instead of going back because I decided that I do want to go out and see him even for just like a half hour. We're hanging out on the twelfth, basically all afternoon and night, but that's foreverrrrrrrr away, and I already haven't "seen" him seen him in almost two weeks...
So I'm gonna text him to see if that's cool...

That's about it.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 31 May :: 5.23 pm

Every moment actually spent WITH chris was amazing but the in between sucked...

and then the shit started and it felt JUST like it did three years ago...
So, i guess we're over, and it SERIOUSLY hurts deep down inside...

I can't go on like this because I was depression-free for so long that I forgot how to deal....

Uhh, I hope he calls me soon, even to end it, I just want to talk about stuff and tell him my side of it...that'll make it at least a LITTLE better/easier..

life sucks--mine anyways.

1 Deep word | Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 25 May :: 12.57 pm
:: Mood: rejected
:: Music: Let it Burn

So so so so much to say, so little motivation to actually say it.

Chris and went out Saturday night, to Applebee's and then back here...amazing night...I loved it.

But, we're over now, because people get mad for people asking them things they have a right to know.

It's ok though, I don't deal with people's shit anymore...

So, I hate Oswego, don't even want to go there, can't get into two classes I NEEDED to take THIS semester, which means another year at the school..and we all know how much school means to me, and how much it means that I'm a year we all know how much it kills me to have to stay there another year...

I'm not gonna write anything else.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 21 May :: 8.49 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Let's be Us Again-Lonestar

Here I stand, with everything to lose
So, another date with Chris tomorrow. I'm so excited that we're still in the dating stage where we actually DO stuff and not just sit around.
He wants to go to a movie, but I was talking to Maren about it (my Maren, cuz how cool is it that one of his good friends is named Maren too!) and she said "why don't you guys go to the drive-in?" and now I'm all excited, but I forgot to mention it to him. I sooooo wanna go to the drive-in! Such a good idea.

I don't know..I'm going to end up falling for him. Just the little things he does...he's always making me smile...aww..

Why does timing suck so much? And I desperately need to say "So what's going to happen when I leave?" But I can't because
A) I don't ask questions that I know the answers to
B) I don't want to scare him away by suggesting commitment

But, I think that this time around, he really likes me.
I mean, people don't just rearrange their work schedules for people they don't like!

I told my mom that "Chris Whiteside is in love with me." I think she got scared. She was like "why do you say that?" and it's only funny if you know my mom...
so that's it.

Oh, and my grades? I needed this semester to be awesome grades..definately my worst semester ever...I definately laid in the living room bawling my eyes out at one in the morning last night for a while...

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 18 May :: 4.22 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Birds chirping outside

Not much else to write...
School's done, that's a relief...
I completely screwed up my term paper for, I'm a little worried about that, is it wrong that I find it funny?

Oswego Orientation is Monday. That's cool, it gives me a reason to bring it up to Chris.
(wow, as I typed that, he texted me..)
anyways, it's going to be hard ..because either we have to break it all off, or put 2 1/2 hours in between us, which seriously SUCKS.
But, Chris and I are going to hang out on Saturday night, again, and I can't wait...

Jason still makes me smile. I took this picture of him, he has the prettiest smile, and every time I look at it, I melt.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 14 May :: 9.46 am
:: Music: Shine Down--.45

"And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life, there is no real reason to accept the way things have changed." much to tell

I'll sum it up, outline style, and then maybe at a later date follow up on it all.

I. Thought Chris was blowing me off
II. Customers were super bitchy
III. Everyone was late to their shifts, I had to stay til 6
IV. Chris doesn't want to go til 10:10 showing...after I'd gotten 4 hours of sleep and worked 8 hours
V. I get home at three for the second night in a row

I. Mother's day
II. They don't even mention how late I was... wow, my parents are lightening up
III. Had to work, studied for Astronomy exam the whole time cuz we were so dead
IV. Chris calls to tell me "how awesome the cake was"

I. Barely finish my Eng. Research paper in time
II. Astronomy exam kicks my ass


I. Maren's birthday
II. Accounting exam hurts me a little.
III. I visit Sarvis-he tells me I should visit "a lot". I stay for a good half hour, talking, it was great. We sorta make plans for Thursday and Friday

I. I finish GCC...I have a degree at 18!!!!!
II. Sarvis and I don't hang out..but we don't even have each other's numbers, so..duh..
III. Ash's mom gets a flat tire as we're on our way home from Albion
IV. Chris calls, 15 minutes after I give up on him and take him out of my phone book so I can't break down and call him
V. Ash's mom hauls ass and changes that flat tire...I'm so proud of her! None of us had ever even changed it...and a million guys drive by, do you THINK they stop to help?! NOOOOOO

Oh, and I can't talk. I had a sore throat Monday, and then a cough Tuesday, and my voice hasn't been normal, and I can't stand talking like this..and I think the medicine actually made it worse.

Tell me your thoughts | Random Journal