I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.


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:: 2005 16 December :: 1.34 pm

now i have an immense amount of shame. i want to hide. i want to die. why did i tell anyone? i know. because i wanted to change my image. i knew that before. i knew that and i told people. i guess all i wanted in the first place was to be told that i should have no doubts, btu the only person who could convince me didnt. i wish he had. i wish he loved me, too. now, ive hurt myself and everyone around me. how dumb, how perfectly stupid i am. that doesnt make anything better. i see how the cycle perpetuates. i wont do it again though.

what do i want? why does everything feel so wrong? why do i ask so many questions? why does it hurt that everyone is angry at me...why?

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 12 December :: 9.00 am

if you want a little entertainment, go to google and type in cold pigeon and find the images. all the ones that their heads hidden in their little bodies look like the ones i pass everyday. it makes me kinda sad that they're so cold because it's not their fault that people are dumb and feed them, but at the same time, they are sooo cute.

i woke up really late...like six-thirty. that's usually when am getting on the train. but oh, well. technically, i should be in class now until nine-twenty, but i didnt want to walk in a half hour late when, lately, ive been walking in fifteen minutes late anyway. so ill just ask someone on facebook for the notes.

i asked zak to drive me on wednesday in the morning and he could take my car, but i get the feeling that wont go over so well with my parents, so am going to talk to tyler to see if he will take me with him on the cta. then he can drive me and i dont have to worry about my car at all. im actually kind of excited to go to al's on wednesday, but it's kind of a pain in the ass because of the car and i need like twenty dollars (of which i have negative) and i'll probably get bitched at by the vh kids who depend heavily on me for my car. that never makes me feel good to think about.

ama go study for japanese because we have the chapter five test today and it's the last and then on wednesday i only have a history final and a party!!! woo! but i have to finish a paper before friday, which is weird, cuz the last class is today...


:: 2005 10 December :: 3.07 am

So you're afraid of coming to conclusions [about yourself], thereby possibly nullifying other possibilities.
You want to remain open minded to the point that you can't trust your own intuitions.

true for me?


:: 2005 4 December :: 12.59 am

have you ever been walking up the stairs and you forget that there isnt a step...so you prepare for one...and sort of lunge forward because of surprise and then upright yourself, and look around to make sure no one's looking?

Read more..


:: 2005 3 December :: 1.24 am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: skindred

I PASSED CLEP ON WEDNESDAY! woo no english classes...but six credits!!!

am a little worried about doing well in school, because dad will be angry.

justin's so frustrating. i have half a mind to not even talk to him anymore, but then it would hurt too much...but maybe just not to talk to him for a bit, but then he'd be angry.

but he wants me to be him...not to be me. that's frustrating too. why cant i be hyper or sad when i feel what i do? why does he critisize everything i and everyone else do?

no one has ever inspired me to do so much artwork when i think about them. in fact, whenever id done it before, it was to give to them, not in reminisence of them. the hand picture, a poem, a descriptive story, a painting...that isnt soemthign that anyone has made me do before.

how is someone so controlling so appealing?

its sad how ridiculously infatuated i am with him. and yet, everytime he tells kristen to get over stunkel, i cant help but wonder if he's really talking to me.

i dont know ama take a bath. g'night


:: 2005 24 November :: 2.23 pm
:: Mood: angry

that turkey on google taunts me. he has pie and cranberry sauce in front of him. i want all that and mashed potatos and sweet potatos and green beans...a normal thanksgiving dinner. ive been so excited about it. but, no. we're having appetizers...cheese and crackers. i was more full last night when we went to red robin!


:: 2005 23 November :: 11.43 pm

im so jealous of her.

she has someone to protect her, someone to guide her, and someone to love her.

i dont think she sees it, though.


:: 2005 22 November :: 11.10 pm

i shouldnt be writing in here. i need to do my paper.

kristen was talking about stunkel and la-te-da...

she told me dont give up on justin...

but i love him. too much to lose him.

zak says otherwise now...

"if he had wanted you, dont you think he would have gone for you? he went for a freshman and not you"

ouch. but why couldnt anyone tell me before. before eight months had rolled around? before i started this ridiculous emotion.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 20 November :: 9.45 pm

hello! the last few days've been interesting. friday we went to a concert and took dagi and kristen, and that was fun...funny, too, cuz they were frightened a bit...until they started to participate. :)

Read more..


:: 2005 17 February :: 10.20 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

as if i dont do so enough, am going to bitch. and of course, among common topics, about my parents.

Read more..


:: 2005 14 November :: 11.30 pm
:: Mood: melancholy

you know, i dont know if im really melancholy...but it's such a pretty word.

strangely, life seems to be fated ironically. the jealousy of my love for another flipped into my envy for his action with another.

Read more..

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 13 November :: 1.25 pm

Wet Jet Swiffer=...


:: 2005 9 November :: 10.41 pm

i know if you're reading this, you're sick of hearing about justin. because i almost am.

kristen does not see the appeal in him. understandably. the thing about spending a lot of time with someone is the fact that you can pinpoint perfectly what his or her biggest issues are.

Justin's issues:

there is no doubt about it; he wants to be in control of the situation and the people involved because if he's in control, then no one can make him do anything.

he claims he is one way, and is definatly another. classical idenity confusion.

most people work themselves up in competition; there is the all out defeating someone, and the sabotaging their progress to fuel your own. he's the second one.

so, with all that, the guy that spoke at the school a few weeks ago said that first there is infatuation. then there is the problem discovery and that seems to be the stage within which i am.

i got some pants and boots and so that's happy. ama go to kohl's tmro though to exchange the pants (they're too big).

4 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 3 November :: 12.02 am

im in the library and on a high up chair. that means my legs are dangling. i feel so helpless.
i met with my advisor. he told me waht classes to take. i also talked to my history teacher. he told me what books to look at for my paper. i have another paper due, too, in harlem art and lit, as well as a presentation. so ill do that. i have a quiz in japanese too. i also talked to keri, my mentor. we're seeing the changling on the seventeenth...it looks really good.
i wrote out a sheet to give justin in junction with his chalked up driveway. that'll be fun too. but its a lot of time that i dont seem to have...:) oh well. ill get it done. i will.

we just left baker's square from having dinner with our boss. it was interesting. justin has huge acceptance issues...he doesnt know how to accept something he doesnt believe. he thinks that anything he doesnt believe is wrong, with which i dont agree. but well discuss that, no worries.


:: 2005 29 October :: 2.06 am
:: Mood: disappointed

Today was bad, and I know thatís no excuse, and so Iím sorry. I mean that with all sincerity. I know you donít understand though. I wish you did.

You donít understand the fact that your existence has been an experience like that in Alice in Wonderland.

At first, I curiously peered into the hole that stood before me. The cave was dim, but soon, sunlight came and I could see the cloudy room. The haze blurred my vision so much that I bravely took a step blindly. I assumed it would be a short fall: that what would come would not be a fall at all, but a decrease in height. I thought I would merely be standing in a puddle of water. I found I was wrong. I began to collapse quickly, and the hole lightened up, but only to the depths that I had fallen. A few times, I questioned my journey and grabbed hold to my slimy surroundings, gripping that which was trying. Reassuring myself, I allowed my swollen fingertips to loosen and plunged hopelessly once again. I rejoiced in the freedom of the descent upon release, which was quickly passed in the monotonous hope of a malleable landing. Of course, at the times of greatest hope, the light dimmed darker and I feared that I would not land, but stop falling and find myself shouting in fear at the roots of a tree, being awoken in a real world. However, the plummet continued and still does. I fear the light will dim once more and I will feel only a miserable rousing from an enchanting dream of tumbling freely.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 27 October :: 12.05 am
:: Mood: content

today was one of those days where i almost planned to loathe it, but it wasnt as bad as i thought, but, because of the expectation, i came out in the end saying, "today was not so great".

i met my mentor today. she's just as i pictured her. take a moment and picture someone from this information only:

Keri Walters
Dance Advisor

that's it. How do you picture her?

she's young, with straight blonde hair, thin, but not sickly, and happy.

so she's pretty cool and next wednesday am meeting wiht my advisor to sign up for classes next semester...

then the next wednesday am going to a play with her. so it'll be fun.

in other news, i got called into work today around five, when i still hadnt reached vernon hills. three people called off, probably for a party. so kristen and i went in, and although we said six, we had just begun eating at five til, so didnt go in until six forty or so. well, some mistake that was. the parking lot was packed, which it has never been since we opened. so we really were needed.
the reason that sucked was because there were things that i was so excited to do that i was planning what to do first on the train instead of sleeping! i wanted to write on justin's driveway in chalk and carve pumpkins with kristen and go to caribou and study and do my artist's statement. but no. "oh, could you come pick up everyone else's slack because you're really the only one who realises that 'job' means responsibility and commitment." grr.

yesterday we met the french kid/"king". i think we scared him. kristen told kirk's girlfriend like this:

"We were told to enter the house. so we did. we were greeted by a guard. the moment was tense, and then, when the guard realised we were okay, our hands were licked.
"Then, the next doorway brought us to yet another, who was seated at a table eating [broccoli and cheddar soup]. 'The king is upstairs,' he said in the most monotone voice.
"At the bottom of the stairs, we were once again greeted by someone, who exclaimed, 'hey, guys! he's in the bathroom, i think. wanna play with the psp?!'" {this is enthusiasm you can only imagine...}
"And after about twenty minutes of waiting for the King to emerge from the bathroom, we realised he was in his room, sitting on his throne!
"So, we went in. We said, 'HI!' and then said, 'BYE!' and left."

It could be summed up no other way. ah, kristen. making everyone laugh. :)

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 25 October :: 3.03 pm

This is too right:

The sign Virgo is symbolized by the Virgin.
Your sign's element is Earth. Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury.
You enjoy helping others and being of service. Virgo is shy, and prefers working behind the scenes. You are highly discriminating and a bit puritanical. Virgo is intellectual, critical, fussy, shrewd, logical, methodical, practical and has teaching ability. Virgo can lack confidence and needs constant reassurance.
Possible negative aspects of the sign Virgo:
You can be highly critical, cynical, sarcastic, unforgiving, nervous, self centered, and ridden by fear. You may also have a tendency to be unfaithful.

This is interesting:

Virgo Compatibility with Capricorn
Both of your down-to-earth signs are responsible, hard working, devoted, loyal and stable. You are each stubborn so you will have to work on that. Neither of you wastes money and you will both probably have good jobs. Savings is important as you have similar goals for your money. Being earthy, the chemistry between you is awesome - as I am sure you will have already noted. You have similar ways of showing displeasure (the cold shoulder treatment). If you do not hit it off right away or otherwise find yourself alone - don't worry - the next time you see each other everything will be fine. The chemistry, you know. It is a good idea to compare your rising sign to the rising sign (or Sun sign) of the person you are comparing yourself with. This will give you a more detailed overall picture of the relationship.



:: 2005 23 October :: 12.04 am

i have found salami. life is good.

i just returned from a really fun wedding. i think lauren and maria and kristen are my favourite people to work with. lauren is a bit of a tomboy and hates pink just as much as me lol. maria and kristen are just so playful that it's hard not to have fun with them. none of them are chastising or restricting; just act as equals, even though they're ten times more expirienced.

and i decided ama ask justin out. but in time.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 20 October :: 1.38 am

people are incredible hypocrites. understandably, one can trust in another until that trust is broken. but when one is angry at another for breaking the very same trust barriers as they have done, how can they be angry at the one to whom they told it.

i am not going to lie and tell them im sorry, because im not. its not that big of a deal to anyone else. he was right; i am souless.


:: 2005 18 October :: 12.49 pm

Petra was just here. she thinks knows am mad at my mum. quite understandably, i think. Day after day, watching overlapping line ups with litanical commercials in between on every station, she sits. There is no mother in a creature that does that. I've accepted it though. Life is happy for me right now, but I suppose that's selfish. But that's the reason I'm not doing anything like Petra wants. I can't give up, though. Everyone has given up on her; I guess that urge goes along with wanting to be different. I pity people who have been left behind and collect the wrappings they leave upon discovering themselves.

I found out that I need someone to put me back on track every five years or so. Shaun did it back in third grade; Christine in seventh and eighth; Justin now. The people that I look up to. I understand what Justin says about needing to something for someone. I like to protect everyone and teach them if I can. I strive to understand, but understanding does not come from watching, but from being. Therein lies my camoflaging skills, which really aren't all that great. That's why, when I hang out with someone for a while, their style and ideas rub off on me, as they do anyone. But from those things, I begin to understand.

Petra thinks I'm troubled, wounded. Everyone has been wounded, only they heal up and become scars. I think mine has a thin layer of skin on it because right now, I'm comfortable with the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. I'm sure if something happened, it would hurt once again though. I hadn't thought about it in a while, but she sort of made me think. She went so far as to say that even my dad is an alcoholic. You'd think Tyler would be cautious, having such a history. But he isn't which is probably more of a worry to me than my mum's health.

It seems like something that should be buried because of it's recent death, but it's always got a finger poking up in the new ground. I don't think I'll ever be able to bury it, but then again, that's what's made me who I am, so why would I want to?

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 16 October :: 1.34 am

am eating eyeballs and cheese cubes...it makes me soo happy!

no one will get both of those, even if he or she gets one.


:: 2005 15 October :: 1.50 am

today has gone quite well!

my brother got me a bday present! the Z! book! EEP! and then we talked for a bit...i told him about express and such, and then we talked about boys...lol...i told him i had a good day...i got paid $234.49...i had some overtime...but now i have monies! thats awesomeness!

so the other thing that happened, which is why it was a good day and what i told him, is that dianna is now out of the picture. she made the stupid mistake of lying to justin. i dont know quite the point of lying anyway, cuz it always comes back to you, but happily for me, he could tell me about it. that made me excited. strangely enough, just today i was thinking about how itll be one thing thatll put me first in the race...and look...i had to do nothing!

so that is just a happy thing for me. i didnt see kristen today, which is weird that she didnt call or anything either...must be playing ddr or in trouble again.

however, i did see stunkel and danny and jackie and corey. jill was supposed to come to but she didnt. i dont think she knows that there is no particular dislike on my side. i can deal with her, in fact, id like to see her. anger is an easy emotion for all; even easier to forget for me, especially since its been so long. i dont see why i couldnt hang out with her...i dont understand sacrificing a friday night because you dont like someone. then again, thats the problem with most things isnt it, that you dont understand.

well, good night.


:: 2005 10 November :: 11.27 pm

if you havent yet, read the entry previous to this...especially if youve been in on the whole justin deal...

i was reading through some of my entries and i found this, simply because it had pictures.

you should visit it because it makes me know i have some portion of a soul...::glares at mushroom::

Past Entry


:: 2005 10 November :: 10.48 pm
:: Mood: scared

am being daring currently.

am asking everything i want to justin...thats bad...that makes me annoying.

but i am...so ill know...becasue i need to.

me: i wnat to know the real reason you wont go out with me because you know that i have ot know the reason for everything and i want to know what's going on with her solely because the secrecy drives me mad
me: am not even jealous just curious
me: and you have to understand that you are impossible to forget as much as ive tried
him: well i dont want a gf at least not now otherwise id already be datin one of u and especially wen u asked me bout it b4 cause thats wen all the chanel bs was goin on
him: does that answer ur question

me: that its because am not one of "the hottest girls on earth", because that's all you date...because am not fragile-looking...because am a virgin
me: be honest (i can complain about nothing that comes after this...i asked...)
him: lol no i think u forgot that i jus lost my virginity less then a year ago and ive only dated and had sex with 1 person since and also none of my gfs are the hottest by i appreciate the opinion from ur friends lol and besides ur pretty cute

okie...now thats happy...my brain is set straight...good night!


:: 2005 8 November :: 10.11 pm

my mum brought me like fifty chocolates fro m a wine tasting to which she went! eeP!

if you havent watched it yet, watch Good to Be Square you have to play the music composer thingy, too. its the last tab.

um...today. employee meeting...breakfast...nothing important.

last night=interesting.

for the first time, i saw justin as a child...someone who still has some growing up to do. he got drunk enough to puke for a while, and zack and ian went upstairs to sleep, i went outside with him. i rubbed his back and brought him water and kleenex, because i figure thats the nice thing to do.

apparently, its not common; at least not for him. he said he would leave himself...strange.

he's got all these beads spread out on a table, but they have no string to hold them together. what i mean is that his ideas a thousand and widely knowledgable, but has no basic logic to hold it together.

He laughed at me, saying i was like his mum, only without the grounding; weird, but it made me think of freud's theory...no good lol.

jen said its okie that i cant let go...but then, i know i will get hurt. that's my defense, letting things go. she argued that it's more difficult to let things go, but a sharp weight on your shoulder will only be healed by dropping the object.

i really wish i knew his reasoning for not wanting to go out wiht me. i hate the fact that "am too much of a guy friend" for people...it makes me feel like i have no options. and the fact that i know my body plays into it is a bit of an ouch. cuz how do i change that? zack excaimed tonight in quite the same way sean from chuck e. cheese did that "holy crap, [my] calves are huge!" how do you take that? yes, i am aware that i am not tall and slender; dare you point it out more? weight isnt even that much of an issue. i like the fact that am not a stick, and rather muscular, but its a little tough on the conscience.

i dont know. last night, i liked spending time with justin. he laid on my lap and shivered in the cold, and despite the cold, i did not shiver when i gave him my hoodie. i liked the fact that i could hold him and care for him, that he was in my arms and i knew he was safe. i liked being there, even though he was sick. am glad i went over there, and i hope to go with him wherever he feels its necessary to drink, just to make sure he's safe. i guess that means i care about him, eh?

guess that explains why i wont give up...


:: 2005 7 November :: 12.52 am

this is a ridiculous day. i come online and no one is in a good mood. im frustrated wiht mushroom...he says things that should not be said, or maybe could be in a joking manner but are said so often, you wonder if they're just a joke anymore...

then q is upset cuz he cant pay for college cuz his mum wont next semester, which may just be a threat but scholarships...i wont let him make the same stupid mistake jill did.

zak must talk to someone or they will die...that's all i got.

justin's thoroughly confused as to why mushroom doesnt like him...and i know why but he's not on, so i cant tell him. i guess ill text him...

i cant intern anywhere in the city because i dont live down there i have to find scholarships and such so that my parents can help plus a job...or two...

in other news, zack and i both got the job at express...

um...i guess thats it...sad, eh?

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 1 November :: 1.17 am
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: crickets

so hello.

just got back from a wedding.

yesterday was pleasing...i finally asked all that needed to be asked. whether i understand or not is another story.

um...i paid my mum back for refilling my bank account with one check from SW; that's happy.

if you're bored, go to play MASH online. it's fun.

i actually kind of forgot what i was going to type in here...

i met a six year old who not only knew what the confederate flag was and drew it with his crayons, but who said blatently, "i just really like history". Starts early, i guess.

erm...i dont really have anything that interesting...

yesterday, justin, zak, and i went to a concert, but it sold out like twenty people in front of us...so we went to olive garden...mmm breadsticks...then to the park for just a bit...then to denny's, where we didnt spend that much time inside so i was okie with it...but apparently, i look like i belong there...the convo went like this..."see, you guys look like denny's kids; those guys look like customers" the other kids were all colourful and pissy wehn he tried to talk to them. wolfy's a nice guy, but i dont want to be in a vh denny's for my night life when am 22. The other interesting thing was that i was accepted into a group...which its been quite a while since that has happened...like...i dont know...its not necessarily a real acceptance, just being able to say taht i have a particular group of friends, whether they match or not, is something i miss.

i dont know why i cant forget justin...we decided on the fact that nothings going to happen...so its been left at that, but i asked all my questions and am more comfortable with it now, so i dont knwo...we'll hang out and just be friends and i kinda hope it changes but if it doesnt, i guess, oh, well, because what am i going to do about it, really?

alright am done...i have to get up early to get a facial at kristens tmro...woo!


2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 28 September :: 9.40 am

i have loads to do...but am posting my idea for my project so that i dont forget and i dont have to pull out a pencil. i dont know how im going to go about it though. i dont know photoshop well enough to pull it off, and i couldnt draw it in one night i dont think.

so we read "The House on Mango Street" and we've been focusing on identity. so my idea is that identity is like your shopping cart and the world is the store. so what i want to do is draw a little girl shopping and along the aisle is a row of buildings that will be mango street, and a side display of hobo...some shoes can be on the shelf and poster of Sally hanging because i love her description. two boys must be shopping in the next aisle because carlos and kiki are in a different, male world. She can have some things in the cart, such as a a bike with two girls playing around it, and meme with his two dogs...nenny should be in the aisle as a source of frustration for esperanza because she has to care for her, and she's immature, so maybe pulling things off the walls happily. That type of behaviour is common for young children, which goes along with how Nenny tries to keep things ordinary, while Experanza tries to change the behaviour, becomes like everyone else pretending there's a chance out of mango street. so that will be the main focus. there will be a looming man that will represent her sexuality. because she sees men as people who take advantage when they can, like with the hobo with the shoes. All the men in the novel have more power than the women, and hold things over them like a treat for a dog. maybe the looming man can be a creepy sales associate rather than a hobo at the end of an aisle.

i dont know...please tell me if you have any suggestions...thanks.


:: 2005 27 October :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: calm

HP Trailer and a Busy Week
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Trailer

am super excited...the trailer makes me go... :O...so great...

and miranda richardson in her perfect role...rita skeeter...yay for her britishness

she always plays that person who you think is on the protaganists side, but then you realise she's not only on the bad guy's side, but usually behind the bad guy's tactics...perfect female manipulation, heheh

i nearly missed school again today...which is bad because i always miss tuesdays and thursdays, which happen to be the same class. i got up twenty minutes late, but of course, after eight o'clock, the trains only come every hour or so...so i had to drive...and then got there a half hour late...but the class is only 80 minutes in the first place...but its cheaper to park there...if i could just get there on time.

we have to do a project on mango street...anything we want based off of any question we pick off the forum...with a two page statement...due thursday...also, i have to read part of a midsummer nights dream...no big deal...plus learn some more japanese oh shit i have to get money for my book!

i have so much to do...likei have to fill out some financial aid form with my dad and help him at the shop tmro...but also babysit at seven...so maybe ill go back to the shop thursday while eveyrone else is at school...

thats sad...that means i cant hang out at all tmro.

that means not getting my brain cleared from this justin thing...although, in a strange way, my head is settled about it...just like...i feel its necessary to persist...i think that ive accepted what fatty told me...but i need to hear it from justin, which i have a feeling is actually going to end up causing more problems.

i havent seen patrice in a while and sandy even longer... it makes me sad...so as soon as i get a free moment, ama call them both.

i figured out that the more stressed i am, the more i wnat to clean...i was mad that i had to go to class today and work and help my dad because i wanted to clean my car and room. that's weird for me.

okie ama go get milk and then go to bed.


1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 25 October :: 4.33 pm

i'm beginning my x-mas list...despite how early it is.

$231 to refill my bank account...woo...

The Soundtrack

Cirque du Soleil Tickets

Body Worlds; Toronto or Philidelphia

2 three drinks behind | martini?

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