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:: 2009 18 April :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: happy

Boy, has life taken an interesting turn of events.

I was concerned i was not going to graduate, which i am now sure i will.

I am not a wallowing, lonely girl anymore. I accepted that i am too poor for a boyfriend and i need to get my life together before i can get one.

then i did. sort of. i think. maybe.

regardless, he made my night and morning super awesome.

i couldn't be happier right now, i think.

if i could, i welcome it. but i know that frequently brings horror. I am focusing on not allowing stress to get to me. it barely bothers me when i'm late to class and i don't care what people at school think of me anymore. it helps.

i was right to think about how i felt in hs. while i am more grown up, it's good to revert to the making yourself happy by doing things you want to do. i like to go to museums and to the lake and read books and trust me. doing those things rocks. by myself. and grocery shopping! yay!

so long story short: i am happy and it's awesome.

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:: 2009 12 April :: 3.49am

Gently distributed tenderness just melts me.

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:: 2009 16 February :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: The Funky Lowlives

stupid me.
I should not ever be allowed to drink.

actually, i should not be allowed to be alone, really.

i'm supposed to be working on my CAD project, but i can't focus.

i need a job. badly. i'm poor. and hungry.

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:: 2009 26 January :: 1.36am

my heart is heavy and my head is spinning.

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:: 2009 24 January :: 5.54pm

I wish I could date rich korean guys

I hope that beotch will buy me shitty french food from her rich korean's restaurant.

If only I had the utter obscene talent to attract beautiful asian gentlemen.

Oh, that beotch is also very talented and not just at korean boys, at the very least.

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:: 2009 22 January :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: craig ferguson

There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long, and the great charm of all power is modesty.
i am sure of very little.

and who is sure of the future?

but there are some times that you are convinced one way or the other of certain things.

i am certain that some of my current friends are brilliant and talented and motivated enough to not only do what they enjoy, but to make money and perhaps fame from it.

reading stunkel's plays insist on this.
patrice's photos put forward yet another possibility.
and ryan's cooking does well enough for a city, in the least.

those are close friends; but there are also acquaintances who're the same. i believe melanie berner and zac togami will also find high success.

i only hope they'll let me freeload...

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:: 2009 17 January :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: ABC news weather

I'm in a funky position.

I usually have enough confidence and gall to ask someone out or tell them that I have fallen for them. This time, however, I'm struggling due to the fact that he contemplates every word used even more than I do. I can't say, "I have a crush on you" or "I like you" because both sound temporary and childish and not worth anyones time. Things have been suggested, such as "intrigued," though unless I intend to take a class or read a book on him, that's a silly one. Also suggested was, "I am mentally, emotionally, and sexually stimulated by you," but good god, that sounds desperate and somewhat obsessive, which brings me to "infatuated" which really just sounds like I should be in a hospital or have a restraining order against me. soo...i've gotten no where on that. I even thought about telling him that I've looked all this up and still can't decide and so just holding his hand is the best I can do...but I was thinking a cute way, like a crossword, but if I did something cute, it would be hard to say no, and it's important that he decides based on what he needs because I am perfectly fine without someone and can wait.

The other problem is response because reaction is one thing, response is another. I am afraid he will respond to my needs, not his, as stated. I am fine being friends, but it's something I need to know. It drives me crazy. (btw, I've just read some past entries and this happens a lot. I get easily frustrated by the fact that I don't know and the person who does won't tell me.)

I'm not completely convinced he doesn't have the same idea in his head about me though. Little things, like his eyes lingering for a moment longer than required (possibly in my head) or reading the book and watching the movies i lent him in place of reading the book of which he was already in the middle and spending three nights at my house in two weeks, not to mention the fact that Jess and Yasi are doing their best to convince me of this as well.

It bothers me because I can't escape the idea of marriage. This isn't something that happens often, and when it does, it does not include a particular person. I don't like that and it possibly deters me more from saying anything. Not that we wouldn't get on well-we already do crosswords and cook and play in the snow together...shut up. That's stupid. This is not ok.

ANYWAY school is nearly set. I've made some arrangements with the assistance of my barely-willing teachers to replace some classes and force my way into others. The remainder will get figured out, i suppose. Then, hopefully, I graduate! YAY! No more Columbia!!!

But then, I need a job. DOOOOOOOOM! So wish me luck on that.....

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:: 2008 28 April :: 1.58pm

so, i've lost faith in humanity. and men. and teachers.

adults are no more intelligent than kids. in fact, less so. and they think they know everything, which makes it worse.

it's always nice, too, when people lie to you. or when they use you. or when they cheat on their gfs.

oh, hospitals are also very fun places. spend time there. you'll love the smell of your clothes when you leave. also, keeping things from people because they're sick is a good way to handle things. now you know.

being behind in school is also a grade A way to handle things. just let it not happen all day, and it won't get done tmro either.

I'm such a fantastic person.
can i just die now?

1 Pirate | X marks the spot


:: 2008 24 April :: 6.10pm

it has upset me for the very last time.

being told that i am too creative will never end, but i've realised that it's okay.

for one, the greatest artists in history have gone against the grain and were rejected for it.


Pablo Picasso

Jacques Louis David

Theodore Gericault

Alfred Jarry

Benjamin Franklin (though not a fine artist, a rejector nonetheless)

i don't pretend to be nearly as great as any of these people, and though there are failures among the greats, i will find something else to do if i fail.

For instance, my teacher does not have her name in lights, nor won an academy award. She is a teacher at columbia college. and she has to steal shows from seniors when she wants to do them, because she is no great human, even in chicago.

besides this, i refuse to misrepresent myself as an artist. i have been told to never lie and never to give the impression that i can do something i cannot. so why would my portfolio, as she says, present me in that way.

so for portfolio day, i will copy pictures of statues and old photographs. i will take tracing paper and trace them all, leaving the photocopied images in behind them. i will present them for my A, and not allow her to see my portfolio.

if she fails me, i will go to the dean and protest my failing the class based on too much creativity.

after all, i chose a school with the motto, "CREATE CHANGE".

if only this was practiced...:/

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:: 2008 17 April :: 12.02am

i have issues with being a tree in a parking lot.

all the other trees get to hand out together on the side, but i have a slab of asphalt in my way.


1 Pirate | X marks the spot


:: 2008 4 April :: 1.09pm



any idea





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:: 2008 3 April :: 3.31pm


lives off host

is hated by host

serves no purpose to host

moves onto another host when slapped at.


lives off friends

is hated by friends

serves no purpose to friends

is rejected.

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:: 2008 26 March :: 10.45am
:: Mood: Jittery
:: Music: Where Do We Go From Here?- BtVS

The curtains close on a kiss, god knows, we can tell the end is near
-didn't get as much cleaning done as I wanted to
-didn't shoot for view camera last night
-not liking ac final
-not doing well in pj
-i get paid close to nothing
-the boy's internship might fall through
-my social awkwardness is getting worse and harder to deal with
-i only get one day of actual 'break type fun' this spring break
-i kind of want to go home and see moo
-i have cavities and avoiding the dentist is only making my anxiety about it worse
-one year until i graduate and realize i have no idea what to do with my life

-no school or work!
-a summer with no school coming up
-the boy is coming home today!
-mr. f is pooping in his litter box
-buffy is amazingly distracting
-the ferrets don't smell anymore
-the boy still loves me even though he knows my big bad secrets
-i love buffy
-i love harry potter
-one year until europe!

I guess I'm trying to look at both and realize that the positive should outweigh the negative. They don't really. I think something might be wrong with my brain. I wish I wasn't so negative, but I really think I can't control it half the time.

I don't know...maybe I'm just stressed. ::shrugs::

These endless days are finally ending in a blaze

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:: 2008 25 March :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: busy/annoyed/gloomy/tired
:: Music: the tv that is now back on.

i hope that, for everyone, not just myself, a lot of bad things happening at once is like taking bad tasting medicine all at once instead of three times a day. I hope that it'll be easier later when everyone else has it. It's all a little too much to keep up with, though.

1 Pirate | X marks the spot


:: 2008 20 February :: 9.30am
:: Mood: rushed
:: Music: Going Through the Motions- Bufffy!


I'm pretty tired. Pretty much done with life.

I had to shoot portraits for my class today. I'm terrible at portraits. Like, so terrible that I might as well not go to class today. That and I still have to go to Calumet to buy paper to print these portraits and then get to school by noon to print then get to the art institute by 1 to meet my class. Afterwards, I'm coming home and eating a tasty salad, which will be my only food all day other than a slim fast. And then it's time to make 7 web pages. Then, somewhere between there, I have to get 5 shots for photojournalism. Yeah. Then I plan on dying. But only after Thursday. Because that's when a lot of stuff is due.

Only good news- buying my new iMac tomorrow. Yay. Tomorrow is the day I officially sell out and give into the world of mac.

Sorry, I know everyone is stressed out, but that's why I'm whining here so no one will read it. ;-)

Aight, I have to go wake Ryan up so he can get ready and drive me to Calumet. Because he's awesome like that.

I wish I lived in Buffy world. And I could be best friends with them and fight demons and talk all witty and stuff. Or I wish it was summer already so I could dye my hair red and pretend I'm Willow.

Poop- definitely in a mood today.

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

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