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.Squallet's Sanctuary.

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:: 2009 27 October :: 2.52 am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: "October & April" by The Rasmus feat. Anette Olzon

I should be upset.
Massively upset.
In tears.
Hating myself.
But you know what?
I'm not.

So I fell in love with my best friend.
So my best friend happened to reciprocate those feelings.
So he happens to be everything I've dreamed of and so much more.
So what?

This is what makes me happy.
He's the one who makes me feel complete.
For once I'm not torn apart, but held together.

He's the Jack to my Rose.
The Noah to my Ally.
The Edward to my Bella.
The Aragorn to my Arwen.
The Christian to my Satine.
The Jack to my Sally.
The Squall to my Rinoa.
The Cloud to my Aeris.
The Tidus to my Yuna.
The Peter to my MJ.
The Steve to my Claire.
The Phantom to my Christine.
... Yes, I liked the phantom better...

Okay... I just felt like listing a bunch of those to see how many I could come up with. I could probably come up with more too, that's the sad part. xD

But in conclusion, he's the October to my April.
My other half in every possible way.

After watching Titanic together tonight (yes, we're dorks) we just laid together on his bed, his room dimly lit by the computer. Just the feeling of lying in his arms was absolutely incredible. We just talked sweetly and softly together as we held one another. Both of us had to comment on how seemingly perfect the moment was. It felt like the world, for that one moment, was in perfect balance, and everything was in harmony. Our chests were pressed together and I swore that I could feel his heart beating back against mine. It was like the world stopped spinning for just that moment, and we were the only two in existance.

It's so nice to have someone like him in my life. It's amazing to be loved the way I love in return. To have someone who enjoys spending time with me, someone who can express how they feel, someone who communicates openly with me, someone who pays attention to what I say and remembers even the littlest things that I mention, someone who can say sweet little things to make me smile even when I'm feeling miserable. Just... *sigh* I can't even put into words how happy having him makes me.

As long as I have him, anything is possible, and I hope his arms will always be my home. <3

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 25 October :: 1.59 am
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey

It is so fucking on!
Jim is a total douchebag.
End of story.
Mike is amazing.
Jenny is too.
And so is John.
End of story.
Who's the bitch now?

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 18 October :: 4.02 am
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Open My Eyes" by The Rasmus

You know what?
I came to a realization tonight.
Yes, another one.

Okay, it's actually the same one, but it seems to keep hitting me.
Everyone else seems to see it but me.

Because I try to deny it.
I keep trying to defend him, because I know I'll feel guilty for hurting him.

But in the end, I know they're right.
I do deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who will make me happy.
I'm not happy with where I am now, and people can see it.

So they ask "Why the hell are you still with him?"
And I'm like "You're right. Why AM I? o.o"

So it's official.
This is going to end, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I have someone amazing waiting for me, and I can't wait to call him mine.

I love you Michael! <3

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 14 October :: 11.03 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: "All I Have To Give" by Backstreet Boys

A pretty picture, but nothing more...
So I came to a realization tonight. Everything over this past year, including the person I was, has been a complete lie, an act and nothing more. Want to know the funniest part? I even fooled myself. I thought that the person I was becoming was the person I wanted to be. I completely lost sight of who I was. I alienated myself from most others and did nothing but focused on trying to get a job so that I could save up money and leave this town behind.

I didn't realize that he was the reason I was changing...

But then I realized something. I took two seconds to separate my desires from his, and I realized that we didn't really want the same things. He wants to get away from his life, to escape. He wants to go away and learn, get another degree, and make more money to drown himself and his greedy ways in. Then in what way, shape, or form does he even need me by his side?

My realization? He doesn't. "Our" life doesn't concern him. It might as well just be his life, which just happens to include me. He doesn't care what I want in life. If it doesn't revolve around him, he wants nothing to do with it. I'm not about to just let my life pass me by just to give him what he wants. Even if I do love him, no man is worth that price.

So I told him I won't be moving with him next year. I'm staying right here in my hometown and going back to community college in the spring. Let's face it, I don't have the money to move across the country, nor do I have the time to save up that amount of money. It's just a ridiculous thought. It was a dream, but in time everyone eventually has to wake up.

Plus, I'd miss the snow. :P

So what's going to happen to us? We'll eventually drift apart. I'll have to let him go, and we'll both just have to move on with our lives. He shouldn't have too much of a problem doing this, but for some reason, I really dread hurting him. I don't want him to ever hurt, but I know that a future with him just won't make me happy. I can just feel that it won't.

I've found someone in my life recently... Someone who I love very dearly. Someone who helped me find myself again. He helped me see that I was just pretending that everything was okay, and that who I was pretending to be wasn't really who I was. In finding him, I found myself. Is that really such a bad thing?

For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Like for the longest time, part of me was missing and I didn't even know it. But when I looked in his eyes, I knew I was home.

And I know that this is the future that will make me happy, and it was right here the whole time. It was deep inside the heart of the best friend who I should have known would have stolen my heart in the end.

I'm home.


Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 30 September :: 5.21 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "Move Along" by The All American Rejects

44, 44, 44.
Okay, this just happened, so I felt the need to blog it.

My last few blogs have only been like... well... a few lines of some emotional, sentimental stuff, but this is just hilarious.

Mike was just driving, rushing to get me home and get back to his work meeting on time, when he got pulled over for speeding. We knew that WickedFast couldn't be ticket-free forever. Not with the way Mike speeds. XD

The speed limit was 25. Mike was doing 44.

So the cop asks him, "Are you the owner of this vehicle? It says that the owner of this vehicle is 49 years old. Are you 49 years old?" And Mike's all "... No. o.o" Then as the cop went back to his car for a minute, Mike was all "Wtf...? Well, I have registration. *Pulls out of glovebox*" Haha! So yeah, apparently the cop looked up the wrong license place number.

Then on the ticket that he gave Mike, under remarks, it just said "44, 44, 44." XD!

Me: It says "44, 44, 44." I wonder what the hell that means. o.o
Mike: Um, probably that I was doing 44?

It was hilarious. It was almost like the cop was scolding him like a little kid for speeding. XD And it's a week before his 20th birthday too! He almost made it to 20 without a [caught] traffic violation. Trust me, I've seen him make a few. lol! So I told him jokingly that maybe me and John could try to help pay off his ticket for his birthday present. Then Mike was just like "Well, there goes my birthday money..." Haha!

Yeeeah, that's about it. I just felt the need to blog that. :D

Mr. Greenleaf, I do declare!

~ Squallet

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 30 September :: 3.30 am
:: Mood: giggly

Onoes! D:

... That is all... o.o

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 28 September :: 10.53 am
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: "Pretty Baby" by Vanessa Carlton

So it stormed last night... o.o
The thunder crashes loudly and threateningly.
But then I feel your arms around me, holding me close.
Concern. Protection. Love.

I've never felt more cared for in my life. ♥

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 27 September :: 4.46 pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: "Pretty Baby" by Vanessa Carlton

Somewhere along the way
We fell in love.
I barely even know you.
Yet I feel I know everything I need to know.
We collide.
I truly don't mind.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 21 September :: 7.02 pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "Last Waltz" by The Rasmus

This moment is everything.
The rain pours down.
We don't care.
It runs down our skin.
We don't care.
It soaks our clothes.
We don't care.
It drenches our hair.
And we just don't care.
Drowning in your eyes.
Your lips against mine.
Your arms around my back.
My hands at your neck.
Holding each other tightly.
Feeling loved.
Feeling wanted.
The pouring rain is insignificant.
You're all that exists in this moment.
In this moment, you're my world.
This, the last waltz, is all that matters.
Everything else is gone.
And I simply do not care.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 20 September :: 3.42 am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: "Dangerous Kind" by The Rasmus

I'm falling.
Hard and fast.
End of story.
There's no other way to explain it.
My heart is pounding faster.
My lips are always turned up in a smile.
My cheeks are constantly flushing red.
Before I fall asleep, it's all that floods my mind.
And I think this must be what it feels like.
What it's like to be alive.
It's wrong, but so right.
I don't want to let it go.
We can never be.
But for tonight, at least I can dream.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 16 September :: 2.57 pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "Life Burns!" by Apocalyptica feat. Lauri Ylönen <3

If only Finland were a little closer... o.o

Like a bullet you can hurt me, take me, brake me.
Like fire you can burn me, convert me.
Like a bullet you can hurt me.

This lyric just kind of stuck out to me today. I've listened to the song a hundred times or more, and yet, this is the first time it really struck me. Interesting, no?

And... my laptop is making this very faint grinding noise. I think it's the fan. o.o You can't hear it unless you press your ear against it though. Wonderful.

So I did some more job hunting yesterday! All in all, I only found four places that gave me paper applications. Several more told me to apply online, and the remainder weren't hiring or accepting applications. The good news? One of the places that gave me an application actually seems very promising! The lady who gave me the application seemed really nice, and the first thing she said was that the store REALLY needs daytime workers badly right now. So she told me that if I mark on my application that I'm available to work days, they'd probably put me at the top of the list, but that it might take a few weeks. I don't mind that at ALL as long as I would get hired! lol! It's at a Bath and Bodyworks store near my house. Truth be told, I REALLY hope I can land a job there. That's somewhere that I definitely wouldn't mind working! :D

So my hopes are really high right now! If I can get a solid job there and save up money to move by next May, that would be amazing! I can't believe that this winter may be the last time I see snow for a few years. Once we're done with school out in Arizona, we are SO moving somewhere where it snows. No more desert! Plus, I'm going to have kids some day. You think I'd deny them the delight of getting SNOW DAYS?! I don't think so! xD

Jim and I are going to start planning our trip to Arizona tonight. The more I think about going out there, the more nervous I get. Odds are that I'll get out there and it'll probably actually be really nice. The idea of the summers out there is torture though! Maybe I'll come home for the summers if I have the money. Come visit my family and whatnot. But we're planning to go check out the school in January, so it won't be so bad. I don't get how his parents live out there! o.o That's another thing I'm massively nervous about. I'm going to meet his parents, and they're going to hate me. :D Well, his mother will anyway. Man, why do I always have such bad luck with this stuff. D:

"What did I do yesterday?" you ask? Ok, so you didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway. As I previously mentioned, I did some job hunting. Afterwards, Mike picked me up and we went over to John's house. Shortly after we arrived, Eric arrived. We got bored of sitting downstairs pretty quickly, so we went outside and ended up playing hide and seek in the dark for a good half hour or more around John's house. It was epic.

Then we went back downstairs and sort of split up. John and Eric played with some music editing, while me and Mike played some PS3. After a short amount of Devil May Cry 4, we ended up getting bored, so we left at about 1:30 AM. It worked, since I had to be home by 2 anyway. Then I ended up calling home and being allowed out until 3-ish anyway, so Mike and I went for an adventure out in the middle of nowhere. It was pretty creepy! We were driving through the woods where there were no other cars, no houses, no street lights, nothing. It was out around Brecksville where his grandparents live. And then there was this one creepy side road we took that apparently only one person lives down. Here's how that conversation went.

Mike: Yeah, this road is really creepy! Only like, one person lives down here.
Me: No, there's two houses down here, see? *points*
Mike: Yeah, but that one is abandoned.
Me: ... Then why is there a light on in the window...? o.o
Mike: *Drives a little faster*

By the time we got to the end of the road, Mike thought he spotted something white out of the corner of his eyes, and he floored it the hell out of there doing 60. XD

Then there was the ghost town that we didn't get to go to! And it was all creepy and foggy and a barely got to see it! Apparently we got right before it and then turned around because we came to railroad tracks. But he's like "Wait... I remember there were railroad tracks before it... *turns around and books it*" That was mildly amusing. All we could keep thinking about was hoping we didn't see cars pulled off on the side of the road dumping bodies in the woods. Of course, then we drive past a big open field and I was a little relieved.

Me: Phew! Big open field! That makes me feel a little better than the creepy woods did!
Mike: *Snickers a little bit* Nevermind.
Me: What?
Mike: ... You can bury bodies in a big open field.
Me: Thanks Mike. >.>

All in all, it was a rather amusing adventure, which ended up with us rewriting the words to "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus to something like:

"They are watching
They are waiting
In the shadows
For our car to stall
Then they will hide
Our bloody bodies
In the shadows
Of the woods"

Yeah, we're not weird. Just paranoid. Lmao! It helped ease the creepiness a little bit though. And that reminds me, I forgot to mention how his car stalled in the middle of the woods. So he had to restart it, and for the few seconds it was off, we were just in pitch black in the middle of the woods. Doors locked, windows up, but moon roof open. XD

Alright, now I'm babbling, so I'm just going to wrap this up and say one thing. I love Jim. Why? Because he's amazing. End of story. :D

~ Squallet

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 14 September :: 1.31 pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: "Keep Your Heart Broken" by The Rasmus

That's right.
My journal now plays a shit ton of songs by The Rasmus.
Because I can.
So yeah.
The dance music will probably make a return eventually.
But for now, enjoy some music from my favorite band. :]
I'm more of a fan of their material from 2001-present.
But I threw some of their pre-Into stuff on here too. Wtfn?
I'm off to go get a shower and do some more job hunting.
Fare thee well!~

~ Squallet

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 14 September :: 5.07 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Open My Eyes" by The Rasmus

A day full of nothing... o.o
Thaaaat's pretty much what today was.
I did nothing productive. At all.
I massively slept in.
Then FlyFFed almost all day with Jim.
I went over John's for a few hours and played GTA4 with him.
Then I went home and did some more nothing.
Now, I'm tired as all fuck.
It was nice just talking to Jim all day though since both of us were home all day. :]
It's funny how he can piss me off so much one day, and be so wonderful the next.
Oh well, it's give and take, and we grow more and more together every day.
He can be an insensitive asshole, but I love him.
Especially on days like today, when I remember exactly why I fell for him in the first place. ;D
Well, I have more job hunting to do tomorrow, and possibly epic adventures with Mike.
Until then, here's some pics from our last adventure. xD

John looks like he's going to kill. Mike looks like he's going to kill himself. xD

Mike was caught in the act. Air guitaring.

The best picture of Mike ever. :D

Hoe vs. Pitchfork

An epic shot of John looking all modelesque.

John and his number one fan!

John's a-firin' his lasaaaar! *SHOOP DA WHOOP!*

Hooray for randomness! xD
Well, I'm off to get sleep now!

~ Squallet

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 12 September :: 1.09 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

You know what?
He needs to go fuck himself.
I can't even find it in me to explain why he's a fucking ass.
But he just needs to go fuck himself.
Well, fine. My phone's off. I'm not talking to him anymore today.
He can go be an ass with someone else. Whatever.
I miss my ex. Sure, he's an ass too, but at least he fucking gave a shit.
I hope he gets hit by a bus. >.>

~ Squallet

Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 11 September :: 1.38 am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Fight Inside" by Red

Air guitar, shooting star!
Alrighty there people, it's time for an update on my day!

Basically, I've never seen more of a complete 180 of a day in my life.

This morning I felt HORRIBLE. Then I texted Mike a little bit, and he helped me feel a little better by telling me that once me and Jim move in together and get things settled, things will probably be a lot smoother between us. I thought it through and figured that he was probably right.

Still, the rest of the day, I couldn't help but still feel like Jim's feelings for me weren't what they used to be. :\

So I get a call from Tawny because she needed a ride home from her friend's house. No big. I gave her one. Then after that, me and my dad headed out to my sister's house because it was her birthday today. We didn't really stay long, but we brought her a cake and hung out there for a few minutes, just to see her and tell her happy birthday.

Then my dad makes me drive home. Mind you, I LOVE driving, just not with him. He's the one that taught me how to drive, so I feel nervous driving with him. That and he critiques everything I do. >.> I know how to not ram into other cars on the highway, thank you very much.

Still, things were okayish. By the time I got home, Mike was there to pick me up so we could go hang out with John. Those two make my days so much brighter. Though Mike showed me some scars today that I didn't really like... :< If I catch him doing that again, I'm going to punch him! lol.

So yeah, we all went over John's house for a little bit and played with Mike's telescope again. He didn't totally mess it up this time! It was because this time, John and I didn't let him touch anything. Last time he played with the levers, he killed the moon. o.o

But before we went outside and played with the telescope, I ended up [accidentally] ditching them for an hour to talk to Jim on the phone. Why? Because I needed to. The way things have been lately, I REALLY needed to talk things out with him. And you know what? After I did, things seemed to get MUCH better. Jim was being really nice, and he was making me laugh, and it was just a great feeling. I asked him how he felt and he said he felt that I was stupid for worrying about how he feels. So I asked him again, and told him to be serious this time, and he told me that he loves me from the bottom of his heart, and that he always wants to be with me, and that he can't wait to move away with me so we can be on our own together. Yes, it made me aww.

So I told him how I've been feeling, he told me how he felt, admitted to being a little off since last week, and now he seems to be back to his normal, happy, dorky self. I'm expecting a call from him in the morning, so I'm going to go get some sleep. I also need to sleep as much as I can, seeing as how me, Mike, and John are going to try to stay out as late as we possibly can tomorrow night. That will be fun! Hopefully it'll take my mind off of the fact that Jim will be hanging out with his ex. >.> Sure, she's married now, and they'll probably be hanging out with her husband, but it still makes me feel REALLY awkward, especially seeing as how he nearly slept with her. Nyeh, I'd rather not think about it. *shudders* Thinking about him like that with anyone else just makes me cringe. I'm sure he'd feel the same way if I told him I was hanging out with Josh. It would lead to him thinking about my past with him, and he'd probably cringe too. But Mike and John are pretty amazing at making everything epic, so keeping my brain occupied shouldn't be a problem.

Until then, hasta la see ya! :P

~ Squallet

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