There's beauty in the breakdown.

:: 2011 10 November :: 12.47pm

Nathan wrote me back last night to say that while he was willing to talk, he didn't want to be friends.

At first I was angry, oh so angry. But that burned off overnight, and today I'm just in a slump. I suppose I have to accept that I'm just not as important to him as I wish I were--maybe I never was. I feel like this is just one more situation in which he's running away rather than facing something difficult. When it counted, he was never really willing to take the initiative and fight for me. It's a painful realization and it makes me feel pretty worthless.

I don't know how to talk to him without being his friend. We know each other too well to just be acquaintances. And so I wrote him back to say, in essence, "Well, ball's in your court, then; have a nice life."

And now...I don't know where to go from here. I feel like three months ago I lost my boyfriend, and yesterday night I lost my best friend too. I'm getting progressively more alone as the months go by. And my horoscope for today read something like "The more connections you make, the harder it is to hang onto the meaningful ones. Your circle of friends may have expanded, but your circle of close friends may have decreased."

Thanks a lot, downer fortune.

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:: 2011 9 November :: 8.43am

Today is the day. Three months have passed, and the silence is over. I just sent Nathan an e-mail.

:: 2011 17 October :: 10.57am

I wonder if Nathan misses me.

:: 2011 7 October :: 8.23am

I think it's time to find a new therapist. The only benefit I'm getting from this one is the prescription, and she's just the go-between on that one anyway. I tell her things and she just stares at me. Doesn't respond. Just stares. It's extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what she wants from me. To eat my brains?

In happier news, I went to a Blink-182 concert, and it was FUCKING AWESOME. I danced my ass off, screamed myself hoarse, and nearly got hit in the face by a flying pair of pants. It was an incredible rush, and the next day I felt tired in a good, worn-out way and not a depressed, hopeless way...first time in months.

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:: 2011 3 October :: 12.28pm

Emo totoro
Nathan reads my LJ, so although I do tend to use it more, this is the only place I feel I can be completely candid. I may begin writing here more often again.

Singlehood isn't getting any easier. Rather the opposite, actually. Each day is more difficult than the last. It doesn't help that he seems to be moving on just fine. A friend of mine made me promise not to look at his LJ or his Facebook anymore, because I'm just torturing myself with the wondering.

Depression is a difficult enemy and it's really got me by the metaphorical balls. All I want to do is sleep, but once I get in bed my mind races and I toss and turn and wake up still just as tired as before. I don't eat unless food is handed to me, and sometimes even then I have trouble stomaching it. Every morning I have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work. I can't concentrate on anything, I don't want to leave the house, I haven't listened to the radio in months. Everything seems relatively pointless.

The frustrating thing is that I think I'm doing the right things, and I'm just not feeling any better. I go to bed on time. I see friends often. I keep up with hobbies I enjoy, even if they're not feeling particularly rewarding at the moment. I honor my commitments and continue doggedly going to work and rehearsals. I set myself goals and plan for the future. I'm making an real effort to take care of myself and avoid isolation and paralysis. But it's not working!

Last week, as an exercise in perspective, I tried to make a list of good things about being single. But I only came up with seven, and they were all variations on the same thing, and it wasn't compelling. So I tried instead to make a list of good things about being alive. That list was significantly longer, but it didn't make me feel better like I'd hoped it would. None of these things make me happy anymore. The best I've been doing is less sad. Which, to be fair, is better than nothing.

It scares me to think that these feelings of hopelessness and futility might not go away. It scares me even more to realize that sometimes I honestly feel I don't have anything more to look forward to in life. I've been depressed before, but I've never been frightened by it. This is the worst it's ever been.

I do want to make it clear that, although I am currently feeling like the scum of the earth, I have no intention to harm myself in any way. I'm just not happy anymore, and sometimes I have trouble believing that will ever change.

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:: 2011 23 September :: 9.02am
:: Mood: sad

Today is Nathan's birthday.

:: 2011 16 August :: 1.44pm

Missing Nathan something fierce. The pain is just unrelentless. It feels as though there's something inside my chest, squeezing on my lungs.

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:: 2011 10 August :: 9.23am

Dear interblag,

I am extremely sad to report that Nathan and I ended our relationship last night.

He wasn't happy any longer, I felt that I couldn't be what he needed, and we both have just been in long-distance stasis for the past two years, neither of us moving forward because of the other. We both have baggage to work through, and plans to pursue, and as heartbreaking as it is to admit, we were only getting in each other's way.

We walked up into Wildcat Canyon to talk and sat on a trampled patch of long, dry grass. I told him I thought we should end it, and he talked me out of it. Then he changed his mind, and I talked him out of it. Hours and many iterations later, we ended up in my truck, parked by the side of the road a block from his house. He finally said that what he needed was for it to be over, and I can't begrudge him that. I said that what I needed was reassurance that someday we would see each other and talk again, and he assured me that we would remain friends, after we've had some time to heal.

We kissed one last time, shook hands, and said goodbye. I watched until he disappeared around the corner before I started my truck again and left.

I am well and truly heartbroken, but I'm trying to take things a day at a time, concentrating only on the present moment. Nathan and I were together for five and a half years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first lover. I deeply and honestly believed that he would be the only one, and right now it's difficult for me to imagine ever finding another his like. He has made me happier and more self-confident than anyone in my life ever has, and the person I am now is so exponentially better than the person I was when I met him, I would never have believed the change possible. I owe him a great deal of credit for that...it might never have happened without his support and his humor and his unconditional, unwavering love.

I know I need to concentrate on myself now, and figure out how to be single and self-reliant, but everything I see and do reminds me of him, and the pain of that reminder is constant and overwhelming. I fear that this will be a long, slow journey.

:: 2011 27 April :: 11.53pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: "American Idiot" by Green Day

I feel like bouncing off the walls!!
That pretty much sums up my mood right now.
Less than a month until commencement.
This last semester has been HELL.
It's STILL hell. SO MUCH TO DO.
BUT I'M GOING TO DO IT!! :o

I'm... so tired...
I don't know why.
I slept so much last night... o.o

But I'm no good doing a ton of work if I'm doing it half asleep.
So I think I'll go take a nap and just get up really early...

Getting into a relationship right now...
Probably a dumb idea... xD
Eh, I suppose I'll live.
Besides, he makes me super happy.
And I deserve a little happy.
Damn straight I do.

Here's a list of shit I need to get done relatively soon.

1. Write up blurbs for the map locations for our interactive media class's Cleveland project and email them to B-Church.
2. Discussion board posts and responses for my mass communications class. (yes, I managed to put this class off until my last semester somehow)
3. Minor project for mass communications class on the topic of free press versus fair trial.
4. Concepts for programmers quiz for chapter 10.
5. Discussion board posts and responses for concepts for programmers.
6. A SHIT TON of backed up homework for concepts for programmers. Note to self: NO MORE ONLINE CLASSES. They're way too easy to put off.
7. Final essay for mass communications. Oh joy.
8. Final exam for concepts for programmers.
9. Design new personal portfolio site to match new resume and business cards.
10. Fix up and code Ties to Cleveland website for use in portfolio.
11. Design/code sites for John and Mel for use in portfolio.

I'm probably forgetting something...
There's another minor project and the final exam for mass-comm.
Plus the goddamn media visit to the Rock Hall...
Seriously? Is there really a point? o__o;
I kind of have more important things to use my time for...

Also... I'm getting irritated with trying to plan the portfolio show...
Like... we can't order any of the stuff we need until we get some answers...
So really, we can't do ANYTHING yet... x_x;;
Plus, I need to focus on getting my OWN shit together...
The posters and website are looking awesome so far though...
I know the show will be great once we get to it.
But the stress is... ergh. I can't wait until May 13th is over with. o.o

I haven't even ordered my cosplay for Colossalcon yet...
Neither has Kyle... xD
I'm so excited that we're going as Yuki and Zero from Vampire Knight. :D

Now I just wish more people would pay me some money back...
This is what I get for paying for the entire room deposit... ^^;;
ACK!! I need to get my gown taken in too... I've lost 2 inches... >.>;;
Not complaining, it's a good thing. But still.
My ball-gown pretty much falls off me now. xD

On a random note... I'm meeting Kyle's family this weekend...
I'm kind of nervous about that. D:
Buuut we're also going to the IX Center, so that's a good thing! :)
So, super stressed, but in a good mood.
Thank God for Kyle keeping me partially sane. ^^

Gotta tackle up to number 6 on that to-do list by tomorrow afternoon.
The rest should follow rather easily once I get those done.
I'm actually rather excited about the site designing/programming.

Until then... farewell world! :D

:: 2011 5 April :: 12.06am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Jars" by Chevelle

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...
Great, now I want to watch Moulin Rouge. ;_;

You know what I find amusing? That apparently men seem to know when you get closer to going off the market. >.>; Seriously.

I had a thing with this guy back in early December. Really started having feelings for the kid. Something almost happened between us and then didn't. I was really disappointed.

Now that a new guy is taking me out and actually taking interest in me, said former flame is now trying to work his way back into the picture. As is a certain ex-boyfriend of mine. o.o;;

Do they just KNOW that I'm getting attention elsewhere or what? xD This new guy is such a sweetheart though. I'm talking over-the-top nerdishly sweet. Not every guy would bow, kiss my hand, call me fair princess, and all those dorky, cute things. I mean, come on, his goodnight text to me tonight was "Bonne nuit Mademoiselle". Adorable doesn't even begin to describe him. :3

Yet, being me, I'm hesitant to even think about getting involved. I got used to being single and bitter toward the idea of relationships and "love". xD

Well, tomorrow will be interesting. Apparently I have plans with said former flame. We'll see how that goes. o.o;; -shakes head-

I'll never understand men. >.>

~ Squallet

:: 2011 29 March :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: "In Too Deep" by Sum 41

"Maybe we're just trying too hard
When really it's closer than it is too far."

Wow. This song came on shuffle on my playlist, and it's amusing how much one song can really change your mood. I mean, I was in a decent mood to begin with, but this one just brought back a bunch of old memories and makes me want to just jump around like a nerd. :3

So. There are so many thoughts bouncing in my head that I'm really not sure where to start. I've gotten rather optimistic again lately. I've given up on toolbags. This means most of my exes. I really thought there was hope for one of them, but he's shown that he's not worth my time or effort. I can't date a child, so grow up or move on. Bottom line.

This brings up a new dilemma. Okay, it's not really a dilemma, but more so amusing. I've never officially "dated" a guy. It's always been that I just got pretty much straight into a relationship with someone I knew from school. So, now I'm "dating", and it's such a new concept to me, but I kind of like it. :)

I met this new guy, who seems pretty cool. He's pretty much an all-out nerd, which is definitely a plus. He seems really genuine and I just get a good vibe from him. Not putting all my hope in anything, but after going for a while without thinking about someone new in that light, it's a nice break. Any guy willing to be an over-the-top dork and pretty much indirectly call me a princess is worth a shot. ^^

Ahem. So, we went on our first... almost-date. I say almost-date because we decided on doing a group thing first since we were both a little nervous about meeting. As much as I hate to admit it, we did meet online, so yeah. >.>;; My friends suck. They had to tease me most of the time about how I thought he was cute. Haha!

After the almost-date was over, I was afraid maybe he didn't have a good time or something, but to my pleasant surprise, he asked if maybe next time we could do something just the two of us. I gladly agreed. I really want to talk a little more one on one and get to know him better. Still waiting to figure out what we're doing next time. :o

And to think... he's not a Pisces. o.o;; Haha!! Yeah, inside joke. I usually tend to be attracted to Pisces men. *shrug*

On an... awkward note... I ran into Mike today. As in my ex Mike. Ha... Yeah. I just have to laugh at that one. I just see this guy walking from the school to the parking lot with black hair and a leather coat. Just as I'm thinking "Hey, that guy seems kind of cool", it hits me. Shit. That's my ex. xD

I tried being nice. Told him hi, said I wished we still talked. He said we could always still be friends and that he hasn't talked any crap about me since the one thing he said that upset me. Pinky swore it. I want to believe him, but who knows. *shrug* Maybe he's capable of being a better friend than he was a boyfriend? Time will tell, I guess.

This reminds me. There are a few people I'd like to write to. I feel like I need to make things right with a few people. At least if I extend my words to them and they don't accept them, I can say I tried. Jim is one of those people. He really was a good person, and deserved better than how I treated him. I don't miss him romantically, but I do miss him as an individual. I don't think we were compatible as a couple, but that doesn't mean he was a bad guy. I was immature and wrong. Hell, I'm still immature, but I'm growing and trying to do better.

Being single has been a good learning experience. I should write a book. "The Single Me" or something. Haha! Single me has hardly had any free alone time lately. My weekends are all spent out with my friends now, weekdays are spent in class and doing work. Having friends makes one kind of broke though. x.x;; It's okay. I still love them. :P

Alright. I think I've ranted enough about new interests, old tools, and my awesome friends. I'm getting too distracted as it is. I have work I need to finish.

This is Squallet, signing off. :)

:: 2011 25 February :: 2.47am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Spellbound" by Lacuna Coil

Oh, by the way...
Those entries I wrote about my ex make me puke a little.
Well, part of me wants to puke, the other part laughs.
I feel a little ashamed to have been so hurt by someone so not worth it.
Oh well. Live and learn I suppose.
The next time I feel that way...
Well, there won't be a next time. I promise myself that.
If a man ever does that again, he's not worth my care.
If ever a worthy man comes along...
Well, let's just say I'm still holding my breath on that one. ;P

:: 2011 25 February :: 12.44am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Oblivion" by Entwine

I'm so stupid it kills me sometimes...
I feel about five years older just since my last Woohu entry. >.> Maybe it's just that I'm becoming a lot more realistic and bitter towards people. xD Life lately has been nothing but school, friends, and sleep. No complaints though.

That dumb romantic side of me still seems to be lacking, but I'll live. No man ever seems to live up to my standards anyway. Is it too much to ask for a man to NOT be a compete tool? Just curious. o__o

I had a random shitty dream last night. It threw me off for the entire day. It was actually about an ex of mine, so it's had me a little worried. When I dream about bad things, sometimes they tend to happen. :\ So far, I've never had any tragic bad dreams. It's usually just relationship issues. xD

I feel like a complete 180 from my last entry. >.>; I'm like "Really? I was counting on that? I got my hopes up? Why?" x.x;; *shakes head*

I've made some awesome new friends, namely the people I'm rooming with for Colossalcon. :3 I've accepted that at least if I'm going to be single for life, at least I'll have cool friends. XD I'm in a very instrumental soundtrack mood right now... o.o

Okay, so something amusing happened today. Said person who I once cared for, well, his brother said something stupid. I just shrugged it off; it didn't really bother me. Actually, what bugged me was that his brother noted my existence more than he did. >.>;

Tell me then why he felt the need to apologize for what his brother said? Seriously? You haven't even been talking to me. Don't act like you care when clearly I've already accepted that you don't. Face it. I could cease to exist and you wouldn't even notice. Everything else in your life is so GOD DAMN important, and I am SHIT.

Bottom line? You're not worth my time.

Which makes it all the more aggravating that it still bothered me. >.> Sure. Go ahead. Tug the heartstrings. Call me that nickname you haven't called me in months. :\ Make me think you MIGHT actually give a fuck. You don't, so don't act like it.

Here's the deal. If you care, fucking say so, and then ACT like it. If not, don't waste my fucking time. I don't have the time or the patience for games anymore.

Man, this is the longest I've been single in a long time. It's made me really see how tired I am of the 'game'. I just want a kind man with good intentions. Really, that's honestly all I ask for. If a man's intentions are good, most other positive qualities follow.

I want someone who actually fits with me and is like my missing puzzle piece. I've never found that guy who compliments me well. You know, that relationship where people look at you two and go "you were made for each other". I know very few couples like this, but I consider them very lucky. I would give anything for that kind of relationship.

I guess that's why I'm very picky now. Now that I'm single, I can step back and look at people objectively. If I don't see that kind of potential, I'm not going to waste my time and energy on it. Oh GOD. Now I'm starting to sound like Mike. Fml. Seriously.

Is it so much to just ask that a guy genuinely care and show that he does? I'm sick of feeling like everyone's personal joke. Like, yeah, we get it. Some guy screwed me over and left me for someone who pretended to be my friend. Tee hee! It's funny! Joke's on me! I'm over it. What bothers me is that people are still fucking talking about it. It's old, people. Move on.

Now it just feels like everyone's against me. Okay, I'm exaggerating, and on top of it, I'm probably just being a little paranoid. I know there are a few people in my life who would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, and I'm thankful for them. I just wish I could find a romantic relationship like that too, where I knew I could actually put my trust in that person.

I want the kind of guy who does completely stupid guy-like things and irritates the crap out of me sometimes, but then does something incredibly cute that he reminds me why I care about him. A guy who calls me or leaves me a message just because he was thinking about me and missed me. A guy who feels himself in just a t-shirt and a pair of beat up jeans, who may not have a dime to his name but will sure as hell walk across town to see me if he had to. Hell, if my dad could do it for my mom, some guy can do it for me too. I could care less if we bicker to no end, as long as at the end of the day, he can still give me a big hug and tell me he loves me all the same and nothing will change that. More than anything, I want a guy who knows what he wants and won't say or do things just to please me. Be REAL and be YOU. If it means we fight, then we fight. Stand your ground with me and I'll love you. ♥

The funny thing is that no matter how much that kind of relationship is what I want most, I'm not doing anything about it. Could I? Yeah. Is it worth dealing with? Not at this point. What's the point in asking out some random guys that I'm really not all that into? Admittedly, they're nice guys, we have common interests, they're attractive, and we might be compatible. But I guess they just don't put that same little spark in me that I felt before.

I seriously can't stand this kid anymore. Alright, I know he's a few years older than me, but I'm going to call him a kid, because that's just how I roll. I was finally accepting that he doesn't give a fuck, and was dealing with it, not thinking about him on a daily basis anymore, etc. Now I'm over-analyzing things again.

Somehow, despite the "I can't stand him" thing, I saw it as "Wow, for once, a guy is kind of defending my honor", something none of my past boyfriends really did. >.>; So I got to thinking "Isn't that something you do when you care about someone?" My heart feels so foreign to the concept of caring anymore. xD

Then those STUPID feelings came back. How is it I can spend weeks, even MONTHS trying to bury them, and they just come back up with ONE simple comment?! >.< Feelings are stupid. Out of nowhere, I had butterflies in my stomach, my heart squeezed like a fucking sponge, I had goosebumps and shivers, and a little spark was put back in me. Why him?! Is this God's idea of a joke? Because honestly, that's the only conclusion I can come to. o__o Those two words seem to be resounding in my mind. Why... him... Fuck this intuitive crap. It's really starting to piss me off.

Thinking about the possibility makes me feel a bit more like my old self, which is a nice break from the bitter realist I've been lately, but still. It's probably just false hope. Uh oh, my realist is showing again. ;D

I wish he'd just call me. Say hey. Ask how my day is going. Suggest that we just hang out or something. I'm not initiating anymore. I've tried striking up conversation, asking him to hang out. I've done my part, I've showed my interest. It's not my turn anymore. It's like a game. You can't play chess on your own. He says he doesn't play the emotions game. Well, I hate to say it, but life is one big game. It's just a matter of enjoying it, and winning it in your own sense.

I'm just waiting for checkmate. One of us is going down. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be me. The funny part? I won't be the loser. I guess in this case, to win is to lose, and to lose is to win. You can't gain anything without letting your guard down and taking a chance. If you keep up your walls, you're just going to lose. This entire paragraph has been what happens when my brain shuts off and I just keep babble-typing.

Then again, it's hard to think coherently when I have Hatebreed screaming "destory everything!!!!" in my ear. *shrug*

Well, this journal entry has served its purpose. I'm a lot more chill now that I've ranted, so all is good. Alright, all isn't good, but it's a start.

I'm tired, and I have a ton of crap to do before leaving town tomorrow. I'm going to go take a nap. Yes, a nap, because I'm going to wake up at 5 AM and get back to work on this shit I need to do. Here's hoping that this guy can eventually grow up and quit being such a fucking toolbag. I'm not getting my hopes up, but you never know.

Later.