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Sometimes I just need more than powerchords and a bassline.....

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:: 2004 12 May :: 8.07pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: american football - "never meant"

i only write about bad days and bad feelings, because that's usually the only time i need to vent in my journal because i'm tired of venting directly to all my friends. its a lot easier to just talk to myself than try to bring up my personal problems in everyday conversation. no one has to read it... it's just me being my moody self. k? yeah.

it's over. it's all all over. thank the lord. and i feel sooooooooooo much better. greta's dad is very generous. greta's sister is funny. i love greta. thanks for a nice winding down.

sigh. great times from here on out.

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 11 May :: 4.37pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: ben jelen - "falling down"

can i just go to sleep and never wake up? goddamn i feel like i'm being crushed with metal plates... physically AND mentally. it hurts so much, and i feel so tired i just wanna lie in bed and be a vegetable. walking home, i felt like i was gonna collapse in the hot hot sun.

why cant we just do this shit without studying. i need rest and relaxation but noooooooo.

mmph. i hope these feelings go away for friday.

Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 8 May :: 11.32am

I'm staying in CT permanently.
Got an apartment in New Haven, and a job at Sam Ash.
Live is slowly working it's way towards awesome.
I love you all, come visit.

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 6 May :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: down
:: Music: ben jelen - "setting of the sun"

i don't know what is wrong with me. i feel like such a wimp. like i'm so weak. and i can't ... idk. i'm like sick of myself a lot. i feel like none of my work is paying off lately. what is bothering me? three things i can mention...

losing my beloved internship. all these teachers congratulating me. having to tell them all that i'm not taking it. a billion people offering to drive me, to find a way for me to get there, and i just had to decline. and it's done for now. but i'm still reminded of how much i wanted to do it. and instead i'll be going back to hell for a semester in summer. hopefully, the company there will make me happy.

feeling incompetent. govt is making me so stressed and so worried. and precal intimidates me a bit too. i feel like the more i study for govt, the more confused i get. however this weekend, i am truly devoting time to studying. either it'll help tremendously or do absolutely nothing. i'll be home all alone, while my family is having fun in orlando. yep. christina grounded herself. when i can't understand things, i get really upset.

my dwindling self-confidence. regardless of how much i know everyone loves me and regardless of the fact that i know i try the best i can, my self-image is just cracking and falling apart. like shards of a mirror, it seems impossible to put back together in order to make the right reflection. i wake up in the morning, trying to get ready. nothing looks good on me anymore. nothing i try on in the mall looks good on me. my own therapy makes me feel like shit now. =*( ... it's really hard to keep lookign at myself. cuz i hate what i see. and i feel like there's nothing i can do about it. i cant go all anorexic. i dont have time or motivation to exercise. maybe this summer i'll learn to love myself again.

or maybe it's all just in my head. and i'm just having a mood swing.

fucking chemical imbalances.

and then there's other things i dont care to mention.

9 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 3 May :: 9.36pm
:: Music: Orange Juice

Dear Diary,

To the unaware, the past month or so was great. I had someone, and it felt good. I was in a good mood everyday. Hell, I even didn't even care that much about the shittiness of school. We both had a great deal of fun together, or at least I did.

But that was then.

Right now sucks. Seriously, if it wasn't for my friends, who have been super duper, I would be quite depressed. In the meantime, this is all that can elicit joy from me.

life is not great.

I need to cheer up quickly, since I'm doing that AP exam thing up this week. I just wish I didn't feel like I did something wrong. I just wish I didn't have a slight hole in my heart. And lord knows, I just wish I could see 13 Going on 30 again.

To paraphrase Michael Jackson, I'm sad, I'm sad, really really sad. You know it.

Drew R.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 3 May :: 6.53pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: ben jelen - "falling down"

i get so angry sometimes. i have this attitude and i have no idea why. i'm like back talking to my mom and brother and i feel like crying. because they're not even being mean to me, i'm just being irritable. and nothing hurts more than when you hate yourself. and i feel that a lot today. amongst other things.

the simple truth is i'm falling, falling down.
and i don't wanna drag you through the
bottom. then you say "sit in front of me,
turn around you'll see, i'm all you'd ever
want, all you'd ever need, come back into
my world. you know i'm always yours."
and you make so much sense when you
say "don't throw this away."
it's hard to know whats real when it all
seems wrong. but i promise you i'll find
outwhat's going on. i just need to follow
the sun before i know if i'll see this
another way. the simple truth is i'm falling,
falling down. and i don't wanna drag you
through the bottom.
please forgive me now.

the rain. i want to walk in it. but i'm so afraid that if i leave the house, i'll never come back. and i can't stand the feeling of being sick of life. it's just not right. my life is good. the norton is hiring me for the summer internship, i need to work out the hours though with my parents since i dont have a car. congrats to tina. so how come she's not smiling? because the mood is swinging back and forth and i'm getting so dizzy from it all. literally. headache.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 1 May :: 10.33am
:: Music: jessica simpson + nick lachey - "where you are"

sigh. this song brings me back to those pop days when songs about love were happy and hopeful. and they gave us the ideal of falling in love so easily, with the person who will always make us happy. but that won't happen til marriage (hopefully) right? shrug. i love emo heartbreak songs though. however, they just get me down. but i'm good. =)

my brother came home yesterday. it's like a breath of fresh air for me to finally have a friend at home now. we did all that nice brother and sister stuff. we all went out to dinner, an expensive one, and then my brother and i saw kill bill vol.2. i must get that movie on dvd. plus win a date with tad hamilton, peter pan, and chasing liberty.

yesterday was a pretty boring day at school. nothing happened and it didnt even feel like a friday. shrug. i got a B on my precal test. that was expected though. i'm gonna work my ass off for the last one. and i'm aiming for higher than a 95 to redeem myself from the disappointment of this one. i still have a 92 in the class, but it makes me feel so bad because i've never gotten a B on a precal test til now. shrug. every other class, i believe i am safe.

where is everyone this morning? out? asleep? idk. i'm planning on going to sunfest today. with the family... awww. yeah and hopefully adam will accompany me (maybe my mom too, but adam wont mind that) in listening to gavin and michelle. i doubt he'll like the music, but he's like my brother so hey why not.

all the yearbooks have gotten me into reminiscing about this year. it feels like so much has happened, but it's gone by so fast. i still don't feel like a sophomore. i'm 5 months away from 17! can you believe that? i can't. i've built so many friendships this year and many of them, i can't live without. every friendship has gotten stronger. there's a couple people i don't talk to much anymore and that i miss, but i still care about them. this year... i just need to say to some certain people that i appreciate them getting to know me, caring about me, and loving me. and DONT feel bad if i've left you out. because i only have so much time and you know i love everybody. cuz thats who i am.

danielle - you always come back to me. no matter how many new friends i get and no matter how far away you feel, you'll always be my number 1. i've said it before, and i'll say it again, that i never knew what a best friend was until freshman year. i have told you just about everything i ever could about certain things and people *ahem*. all the memories, all the moments with my family, all the laughing, and all the crying. it's all with you. and you're the memory i'll always cherish the most about high school and from now on. cuz i'll never let you leave my life. what would i do with you?.... DIE. *it's hard to say what it is i see and you wonder if i'll always be with you. words can't say it. i can't do enough to prove it's all for you.*

ari - you are so cute and so unique and you always make me smile just because you smile. last year, i only knew your name. but this year we got know each other's hearts. i'm glad i can trust you. our friendship will only get stronger from here on out. if ever you need to talk about a broken heart, the emptiness inside, or old pop songs. i'm here. for anything. everything. <3

christine - whoa. how could i have ever guessed that this girl had such a beautiful soul? i had no idea that we could connect so much. in our emotional ways, and in the ways them boys treated us. you'll always be able to bitch about anything to me. and i hope it stays that way. i'll always be up for late night talks on your roof. you truly amaze me. in your kindness and in your ability to care about my feelings. and i care about you. a whole damn lot.

greta - god. i feel really bad about always telling you my problems. and you never can tell me about yours. sniff. this year... after valerie left, my mornings and afternoons belonged to you. they still do. and i'm very thankful for that and i'm very thankful that i know i can always tell you. and you'll always remind me why life is good and why i put up with this world. thank you for keeping me from wanting to hurt myself. thank you for loving me. i love you.

vanessa u - i miss you bunches. thank you for that IM about my yearbook picture. it made me smile. and i miss being able to hug you and talk to you about life. i.... i'm just so sorry that our friendship has gone to this. i'm sure we can fix it. but seriously. if you think no one in this world cares, you gotta know that i do. i'm by your side in spirit.

rich - there's no words for how you've supported me. being with you makes me feel safe. and i know that you care about me more than any one of the males in this world. don't think that i don't recognize that. i only wish we could spend more time together. thank you, thank you, thank you for being my angel. and calling me. and poking. and towering over me. =)

lizzy - our friendship kinda fluctuates based on whether we're really busy, dont you think? but i love your randomness and your nonstop smiling. you always seem to want to take care of me. the concerts. you and kat planning that whole outing in boca for me. and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. hee hee. i'll always be in the crowd cheering you on. you're my favorite.

katherine - hmmm. what to say. idk if you'll read this or not because you dont really update your journals. but ... i feel like you're my little sister. my little sister who happens to be smarter than me. trust me, i'm jealous! but... i understand. and i know you have a lot of pressure put on you and people alienate you a lot. i never want to make you feel any less amazing than i know you are. hugs help. and hopefully so can i in the future. you music freak.

ashley - last but never least. there's.... there's like no words. and you're leaving us. =*) i'm so disappointed that you're going. but i'm so happy for you because you'll finally be able to run away from all of this. and we all wish we were you. sometimes you help me without even knowing it. i feel like there's just so many little things that make me smile. meeting you is the only memory of the first day of school i still have. bitching about people. bitching about school. walking together everywhere. rockin out. the something corporate concert.... it was all you, darling. and when you miss south florida, think of that moment. *you can be my punk rock princess!!* and you are the punk rock princess. how do you do it? you're fucking awesome. and you fucking rock. and i will play at your club. and i will be at your wedding, if you can find the guy! there's just not enough i can say to you to tell you how much i fucking LOVE you. sigh. the head nod. haha. anyways. i'll save more sentimentality for the end of school. til then. thank you for the love songs.

sigh. more to come... just give me your yearbooks! and give me time.

8 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 29 April :: 9.12pm

ok. fuck it. no party. sorry.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 28 April :: 5.20pm
:: Music: damien rice - "delicate"

yeah, i obsess.
first time i've ever left a question blank on a math test.
and i studied. i studied. i studied. i studied. i really did.

isn't that supposed to mean something?


i feel like i've fallen. and i can't even imagine ... i hope it works out. sniff.

it's not that we're scared. it's just that it's delicate.
so why do you fill my sorrow with the words you borrow
from the only place you've known?
and why do you sing hallelujah, if it means nothing to you?
why do you sing with me at all?

we might live like never before when there's nothing to give.
well how can we ask for more?
we might make love in some sacred place.
the look on your face is delicate.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 28 April :: 3.53pm
:: Music: one hot minute

cross postin;
yeah. pre-graduation party. my house. saturday. parents won't be home till monday. keg. mos def. spend the night. fold out couches like whoa. if you can read this, you're invited. 703-4691.

Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 25 April :: 12.15pm
:: Mood: lonely... yeah yeah yeah so is everyone.
:: Music: billy joel - "she's got a way"

it's my turn.
watching disney movie, "ring of endless light". i guess mischa barton was always good at getting mad at the boys she likes. i see why she was casted for OC. she's great at being emotional. this movie even makes me cry too.

so that part when she and that guy were on the beach, dancing, and they kissed. and then later, she went inside and said "... wow."

yeah... i.
i miss that feeling.

i have nothing to do today. my parents are going to some friends party and i am left home alone with leftover chinese and no one to talk to. oh well. i could start on long-term homework. but will i?... not unless i'm SO bored that i can't stand it.

i wish i knew that someone felt about me like how the lyrics in this song are.

she's got a way about her.
don't know what it is, but i know that i can't live without her.
she's got a way of pleasing.
don't know what it is, but there doesnt have to be a reason anyway.
she's got a smile that heals me,
i don't know what it is, but i have to laugh when she reveals me.
she's got a way of talking,
don't know what it is, but it lifts me up when we are walking anywhere.
she comes to me when i'm feeling down, inspires me.
without a sound, she touches me, and i get turned around.
she's got a way of showing me,
how i make her feel and i find the strength to keep on going.
she's got a light around her,
and everywhere she goes a million rings of love surround her everywhere.
she comes to me when i'm feeling down, inspires me.
without a sound, she touches me, i get turned around.
she's got a smile that heals me,
i don't know what it is, but i have to laugh when she reveals me.
she's got a way about her, don't know what it is.
but i know that i can't live without her.

4 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 22 April :: 5.51pm
:: Music: konstantine

just doing the daily past time

i'm sooo tired and i'm so fucking pissed. and crying. and i feel like shit because i wanted sleep but every single time i was going to fall asleep, my mom calls me to go downstairs and do something.

it was a nice day with adam and danielle though. they make me smile a lot.

i'm soooo... it hurts so much. the tears just wont stop running down my face because my eyes and body are so tired.

tripping. hyperventilating.

i don't wanna be here in the future.
i don't wanna look much closer.
all this hope i sent into the sky had crashed.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 21 April :: 6.21pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: seether f/ amy lee - "broken"

i just feel tired of life in general. i don't feel like i really have anything to live for. well, maybe my weekends. yeah, i love those. but regular life, in school, no. frustration? ... not cool. i have lots to say and i have no idea what to say.

____ is the bane of my existence.
everything else, i feel so secure with. i just... i'm gonna be so happy when i know i'll never have to set foot in that classroom ever again. although i feel a little better lately about it cuz now all we do is dbqs and as long as i dont have to listen to him lecture about stuff i dont understand, i'm good. that movie we watched last class made me emotional, i was gonna cry when the soldier shot the vietnamese man. it just reminds me of my grandpa or something. (he fought in the war... not for the north though.) i just hope that i can raise it to an A. and pass the AP exam. i gotta start studying. sometime.

social life? eh, let's ignore that for a while.
wish list = win a date with tad hamilton, chasing liberty
may 1 = happiness (hopefully) for kat, sunfest with gavin and michelle

after school is done on friday, i am OUT. to texas. just living until that day comes.

i like this song.
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
i kept your photograph and i know it serves me well.
i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i don't feel right when you're gone away.
the worst is over now. and we can breathe again.
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
there's so much left to learn and no one left to find.
cuz i'm broken when i'm open and i don't feel like i am strong enough.
i am broken when i'm lonesome and i don't feel right when you're gone away.

Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 20 April :: 9.30pm
:: Mood: uhhhhh.

watching clueless

has made a lot of my frustrating feelings go away.

watch it.

"we're friends because we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us."
*everyone will wanna look just like me. cuz i'm gonna look so beautiful. i'm gonna be a supermodel.*

it makes me smile. =)

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 19 April :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: nothing.

so fucking angry and frustrated today. for once, i don't wanna be at home. i just wanna be GONE. wish adam could just pick me up and i could LEAVE. dammit. i just get angrier with myself and with crap.

sigh. thanks to ashley cline, as always for finding some sort of outlet for me. usually a song, but this video is absolutely heartbreaking yet uplifting. thank you again.


Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 19 April :: 3.59pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: haitian fight song

I wish I had a prom date.

I wish my car was ready to go.

I wish she would talk to me.

I wish I was in college allready.

I wish I wasn't the loser I try so hard not to be.

How come things never work out my way? I wish, for just once, that I could have a nice thing, and have it last.

Well, aside from my rant, I got two superiors at state S&E, and made district honor band. I was really impressed with the honor band, and hope that college will be like that, or better. I earned my spot to be the bari sax player fair and square, and Mr. Lerner tried to screw me out of it TWICE. asshole. I'm definately ready to go on to college band. I've had enough of high school, and it's directors, and their atitudes. I'm sick of high school in general. But on the brighter side, USF isn't offering me any scholarships, but around $8500 in financial aid. sweet. It pays to be poor.

and lonely.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 18 April :: 12.05pm
:: Mood: calm


uhhh. altered my journal only a little. to fit "title and registration". it's supposed to be playing on it. and.... it plays on my comp. but i assume it doesnt on yours. i got so frustrated last night i just stopped trying to fix it. can you hear it? =\

today = sun, art, love

had a good day. a little guilty though. sigh. not enough time to write what i want to!

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 16 April :: 4.48pm

in the words of a broken heart it's just emotions taking me over.
i'm caught up in sorrow, lost in the song.

lj says it all

Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 13 April :: 8.10pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: konstantine.. cant stop

i feel like i'm in a tornado. and all i'm running on is adrenaline right now. i feel so busy, like i always have something to do. i guess i do. all this stuff is so overwhelming, but i ... i dont know. i feel tired. but then i feel obsessive and then i need to find something else to do. i'm such a freak.

APRIL 15th ART SHOW. 5:30-7:30. come.

i think i'm going to find some more stuff to do...

random things to say
it's really hard to let go of someone.
it's really hard to see someone let go of you.
it's really hard not to fall into the same mistakes.
it's hard to sacrifice your wellbeing for someone else.
it's easy to love you.

it's to dying in another's arms
and why i had to try it.
and if this is what it takes to lie in my mistakes,
and live with what i did to you.
and all the things i put you through.
they'll never hurt you like i do.
this is to a boy who got into my head
with all the pretty things he did.
you know you keep me up in bed.
this is to a boy who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did.
maybe you can keep me up in bed.
did you know i've missed you?
god, i miss you.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 11 April :: 11.33am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: globes and maps

they didnt play this. but thats okay.
an interesting and awesome memory. i love you girls.

what i did not like about the night:
1) the people who WOULDNT "step back". instead they stepped forward.
2) the huge girls who bad-mouthed emo music/concerts.
3) not being able to hug my christine more and enjoy the music with her.

what i loved about the night:
1) making a lasting memory with ashley before she leaves us.
2) rockin out and wanting to be on that stage someday.
3) its always nice to hear something corporate live.
4) being so happy, i wasn't able to cry.
5) the lead singer of yellowcard playing with his shirt off... damn.
6) enjoying most of the concert with a good view AND lots of space. we're so smart, ashley.

it was just great. i will always be willing to see something corporate again. a lot of time was spent WAITING for people to stop pushing so they both didnt play for that long. but it's okay. <3333 i loved it. loved it. LOVED it.

missed our wonderful katherine who was meant to be there.

the only time i got sad was around the end of konstantine when he sang "i miss you".... yeah.

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...


Find out which band you are!

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 10 April :: 2.36pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: incubus - make yourself

So I enter the adult world...
...just a buncha bull shit. Buying smokes, porn, and lottery tickets never really appealed to me. Turning 18 just means I have more shit to do now. Gotta go get my "totally free checking account" this week, I'm getting my license next week, I'm gonna get more hours at work, less breaks, and now I can get into more trouble for the shit I do if I get caught, because I'm now an adult. I sure don't feel any older. It's all just a number.

All district concert band tryouts are on monday. I haven't done more than look at the names of the songs I have to play for the audition. It would be pretty funny if I didn't make it though, seeing as I got two superiors at state S&E, on my quartet and bari solo. Shit always has a funny way of working out like that. It wouldn't really matter if I didn't make it though. I allready took off of work on the days of the performances.

Since I get my license in a week, I get my car in two, or just before prom. My dad is really hooking it up. He's got his personal mechanic fixing everything on the mechanical end, it's getting new upholstery on the seats, new carpet, new dash, new head liner, new front and rear bumpers, the body shop is grinding out all my rust, fixing the dent on the rear qtr. pannel, it's getting the accents rechromed, and a new paintjob; going from ghetto spraypaint baby blue to a more masculine GM dark blue. So my dad is basically taking care of everything and totally hooking me up. I'm responsible for the stereo and wheels. I just dropped $300 on the head unit and front and rear speakers. I'll eventually get subs to give it some bottom. The wheels on the car now are apparently the most expensive option Chevy had in 1984. I bet in 1984 they were pimp as hell, but in 2004 they don't look as cool. They've got to go. I'm thinking a set of late 80's Camaro RS wheels would look hot.

Thanks to steph for liking my poem; if it is a poem at all. I'm flattered. And suki, you rule.
I'm out.

4 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 9 April :: 9.12am
:: Mood: weak-hearted
:: Music: kelly clarkson - "i surrender"

help me not to surrender
=*( i can't... i'm just so....

i can't find the little mermaid to cheer me up. is it a sign?

when i decide that it's done, when i decide i'm finally done with all this unnecessary nonsense and feelings, i go to bed and my heart decides to dream that it's not over. i just had the most movie-like dream. and it almost hurt feeling in love again. it felt so real. and in this dream, i was so passionately willing to fall back. and it's just not right. i don't understand. if a dream is a wish your heart makes, does that mean my heart still loves? does it mean its just trying to suppress it all? i don't know. i am so confused. and i don't understand what i'm saying or why i'm saying it. i just wish things were simple. and i wish i wasn't so confused with myself and with other people.

this is exactly how i acted in the dream:

*there's so much life i've left to live,
and this fire's burning still.
what would happen if they ever knew
i'm in love with you?
cuz i'd surrender everything,
to feel the chance to live again.
i reach to you. i know you can feel it too.
i surrender. every night getting longer
and this fire's getting stronger
i'll swallow my pride and i'll be alive.
did you hear my call? i surrender all.
i reach to you, i know you can feel it too
i surrender.*

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 8 April :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: aaliyah - "the one i gave my heart to?"

how could the one who said "i love you" say the things you say?

how could you not love me anymore?

how could the love that brought such pleasure, bring such misery?

i am done. after that fit of depression, i had never been so close to swallowing water. but instead i just had to swallow the tears. and hopefully i stick to this. and hopefully i'll become immune to it all.


1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 7 April :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: regretful
:: Music: deathcab - "transatlanticism"

i told myself not to cry today. got that tingling feeling so many times, not even funny but not a single tear came out.

here is my first .

all i can do is inundate myself back into work. and maybe i wont feel it as much.

and the second .
and the third .

i need you so much closer.

so cold. now i cant stop sneezing, sniffling.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 6 April :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: death cab - "tiny vessels"

i just feel so majorly passive right now. i almost freaking fell asleep in the bathtub. no, i didnt try to drown myself. and it's already 9:10, i need to get offline. we might not be going to gainesville because my mom cant get a hold of andrew (and is freaking out) and most of the hotels are booked this weekend. but i doubt i shall go to soco/yc even if i am in town. shrug. maybe im just not in the mood right now to be excited.

why can't those feelings just go away and stop haunting me?

i wrote my personal statement for art... kinda BS but kinda the truth. april 15th. be there.

i just have no idea what to say.

this is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you don't.

tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade, but they did and so did i that day.

all i see are dark grey clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour. so when you ask "was something wrong?" that i think "you're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now. no, we can't talk about it now."

so one last touch and then you'll go and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. but it was vile, and it was cheap and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.

... but you do.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 4 April :: 4.27pm

*whispers* Is anybody out there?

I suppose not.

There's been a lot on my mind lately.

1. I think I'm a fraud. I'm not who anyone thinks I am, and I don't even think I know who I am and who I've been. I'm many different people, encompassed in this one stupid entity. It's all a facade, I guess. I have this sort of collection of masks, a different one for a different situation. Someone told my roommates that I can be a shy person and they didn't believe it.

2. I'm jaded. I'm JADED AND I FEEL RIPPED OFF. I'm jaded, I feel ripped off, and I'm a stupid conformist. And it's not so much that I conform out of fear, it's that I don't really know any other option. Ok, I'm scared.

3. Feelings, emotions, concepts. a) I don't think love is real. It's a concept that's nice to think about, but I don't think it's real. I want to though, oh I wish I could. b) Fear is probably the most real of any emotion. Fear motivates. You do things out of fear of another, unsuitable situation occurring. c) Pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. My pain tolerance (along with my alcohol tolerance) has gone up significantly is recent times. d) Everything's so much easier when you have nowhere to call home.

4. The future isn't so vague anymore. For the first time I have a plan, I have plans that stretch further than next week. I know pretty much where I'm going, how I'm getting there, and who I'm taking along for the ride.

5. Poetry. It angers me right now, because it's doing a horrible job of expressing how I feel. The words I want either don't exists or have escaped from my realm of knowledge.

6. Music is the most powerful art form. I'm slowly shifting from expression in words to expression in song. I don't write love songs because I can't write love poetry. I'm working on an instrumental piece for acoustic guitar and string section, none of it's written down though, it's all in my head.

There's so much more I have to say, I just can't say any of it. I feel incomplete, and if I could just figure out what's wrong SOMETHING'S WRONG CAN'T YOU HELP ME I'll feel whole.


3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 3 April :: 1.01pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: brand new - "the quiet things that no one ever knows"

im just updating because i feel obligated to.

1smelly delray theatre - not cool.
2eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - interesting. a movie for a day off of school.
3the first week back at school - thank god its over.
4today's plans - nicole.
5my opinion on people - always fluctuating when i hear new things. some people i didnt like so much before, i know they're great people. some people i loved before, im skeptical on their character.
6what i need - a day of shopping. a day watching moulin rouge and eating chili <3. summmer.
7my body - needs more self confidence.
8my heart - needs to stop being played with and being confused.


keep the blood in your head.
and keep your feet on the ground.
today's the day it gets tired.
today's the day we drop down.
give up my body in a bed.
all for an empty hotel.
wasting words on lowercases and capitals.
i lie only for you. and i lie well.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 1 April :: 8.39pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: my journal music

i think i'll stick with this layout.
today greta took me to barnes and nobles. <3 those after school outings with her. anyways... i think i'll stick with this song/layout. unless i hit a depression then it'll be dark again. but i like the blankness. this weekend is for being with some friends that i havent spent much time with, that i need to. thank god for weekends.

damn. i need to come up with things to talk about in this journal.

hoping to make more memories... sigh

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 31 March :: 11.29pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: aaliyah - "the one i gave my heart to"

how could the love that caused such pleasure, bring such misery?
not too bad of a day. im not in the best advice-giving mood right now, but i see some people writing about being depressed? it's just a phase. i guess. unless there's ... nevermind just let me shut up now before i say something stupid. i'll just leave you with something i wrote in art history.

take off your coat,
stay a while and break my heart.
you know you'll come back again
after i remodel my mind.
let me just invite you in and
maybe the pain won't feel as dark as usual.
pull my wrist to your body
and come closer so i can't hurt myself
because it's only your job to make me cry.
and why oh why, i do not know.
why can't we move on to grow
apart from each other?
instead we grow nostalgic and
we take a step backward.
that burn in your eyes gets to me
when i can't find something new to cling to.
just break my heart and leave again
and i won't have fresh memories
of you to live on.

greta and ashley said it was dark. it's not dark. trust me, if i wanted it to be dark, i can scare you. uuuuuuuuuh. yeah i felt really bad for mr epstein. =\ might not feel so bad after tomorrows test but yeah. i didnt go, but if i was there, seeing his face woulda been like heartbreaking. we played games with the white board instead. good times. uhhh. yeah nothing to say. sorry. shrug. just things i think in my own head nowadays. i think i'm done making other people listen to the redundant feelings of heartache i have. so lets just keep it to myself now, huh.

* gnite. *

Pimp or playa?


:: 2004 30 March :: 12.24am
:: Mood: worthless

Hello, little man. Boy I sure heard
a bunch about you. See, I was a good
friend of your Daddy's. We were in
that Hanoi pit of hell over five
years together. Hopefully, you'll
never have to experience this
yourself, but when two men are in a
situation like me and your Daddy
were, for as long as we were, you
take on certain responsibilities of
the other. If it had been me who had
not made it, Major Coolidge would be
talkin' right now to my son Jim. But
the way it worked out is I'm talkin'
to you, Butch. I got somethin' for
This watch I got here was first
purchased by your great-granddaddy.
It was bought during the First World
War in a little general store in
Knoxville, Tennessee. It was bought
by private Doughboy Ernie Coolidge
the day he set sail for Paris. It
was your great-granddaddy's war watch,
made by the first company to ever
make wrist watches. You see, up until
then, people just carried pocket
watches. Your great-granddaddy wore
that watch every day he was in the
war. Then when he had done his duty,
he went home to your great-
grandmother, took the watch off his
wrist and put it in an ol' coffee
can. And in that can it stayed 'til
your grandfather Dane Coolidge was
called upon by his country to go
overseas and fight the Germans once
again. This time they called it World
War Two. Your great-granddaddy gave
it to your granddad for good luck.
Unfortunately, Dane's luck wasn't as
good as his old man's. Your granddad
was a Marine and he was killed with
all the other Marines at the battle
of Wake Island. Your granddad was
facing death and he knew it. None of
those boys had any illusions about
ever leavin' that island alive. So
three days before the Japanese took
the island, your 22-year old
grandfather asked a gunner on an Air
Force transport named Winocki, a man
he had never met before in his life,
to deliver to his infant son, who he
had never seen in the flesh, his
gold watch. Three days later, your
grandfather was dead. But Winocki
kept his word. After the war was
over, he paid a visit to your
grandmother, delivering to your infant
father, his Dad's gold watch. This
watch. This watch was on your Daddy's
wrist when he was shot down over
Hanoi. He was captured and put in a
Vietnamese prison camp. Now he knew
if the gooks ever saw the watch it'd
be confiscated. The way your Daddy
looked at it, that watch was your
birthright. And he'd be damned if
and slopeheads were gonna put their
greasy yella hands on his boy's
birthright. So he hid it in the one
place he knew he could hide somethin'.
His ass. Five long years, he wore
this watch up his ass. Then when he
died of dysentery, he gave me the
watch. I hid with uncomfortable hunk
of metal up my ass for two years.
Then, after seven years, I was sent
home to my family. And now, little
man, I give the watch to you.

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

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