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caffeinating a church on monday (jazz)

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:: 2004 6 February :: 11.16 pm

(i've moved)

3 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2004 2 February :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: pixies - allison, dig for fire

last post.

not coming back.

i done and died.

2 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2004 31 January :: 3.04 pm
:: Music: led zeppelin dvd(s) - live at the royal albert hall 1970, what is and what should never be

yeah, i'm selfish.

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2004 28 January :: 12.38 pm

is it possible to get mono more than once?

last wednesday i fell asleep at 4pm and woke up at 6am (when i had to get my bus)
yesterday i fell asleep at 7pm and woke up at 12pm today (snow day)

anyways. all that sleep leads to interesting dreams, eh?

caffienatidjazz (12:32:30 PM): i had a really really weird dream
MisaSoupe (12:33:29 PM): you probably had a lot of them, but tell me
caffienatidjazz (12:34:17 PM): it was like.... two guys, a retarded kid and a huge retarded black guy, following me with saws and guns and shit through this evil-candyland-esque-circus-y version of the lville campus and i was just like, backing up away cos they weren't running, just following and being weird and i dont remember much about that one.
caffienatidjazz (12:34:18 PM): then
caffienatidjazz (12:34:22 PM): all of the sudden i was home
caffienatidjazz (12:34:34 PM): and lucy was unconscious on the floor
caffienatidjazz (12:34:48 PM): and my parents were like "Wtf is this an affair or something?" and my dad was really really angry with me, just staring with that ugly ugly angry look he does
MisaSoupe (12:34:48 PM): hmm...
caffienatidjazz (12:34:52 PM): and so then we had dinner
caffienatidjazz (12:34:57 PM): then lucy woke up
caffienatidjazz (12:35:08 PM): and we made out a lot then i realized she was on some sort of drugs
caffienatidjazz (12:35:32 PM): and her mom was there (i have no idea what her mom looks like. here, she just looked really really evil in a womens buisness-suit thing with a briefcase)
caffienatidjazz (12:35:49 PM): and i told her mom lucy was on something and she refused to believe it then took her away
MisaSoupe (12:35:50 PM): heh...okay..
MisaSoupe (12:35:58 PM): hmm...
caffienatidjazz (12:36:01 PM): then the house turned into adam sussman's house
caffienatidjazz (12:36:06 PM): but no lighting
MisaSoupe (12:36:12 PM): funny how that happens...
caffienatidjazz (12:36:16 PM): and my dad was in the shower and i asked what the hell just happened
caffienatidjazz (12:36:25 PM): and he was like i dont know but i smell so i'm gonna take a shower
caffienatidjazz (12:36:29 PM): then i woke up

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 25 January :: 4.54 pm
:: Music: none

Jewrappic J (4:53:30 PM): write any new songs?
caffienatidjazz (4:53:50 PM): nope
Jewrappic J (4:54:06 PM): thats unusual for a weekend
Jewrappic J (4:54:08 PM): why not
caffienatidjazz (4:54:17 PM): *shrug*

2 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2004 25 January :: 2.01 pm
:: Music: mutato muzika orchestra

lucy (2:00:45 PM): consider this a half-hearted, unenthusiastic, miserable glare
lucy signed off at 2:00:53 PM.

i've yet to figure out if posting my honest thoughts on the internet is such a great idea.

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 25 January :: 12.23 am
:: Music: son, ambulance - katie come true

and then...
talking to nat tonight. a lot of honesty. a lot of realization of anything that was there and everything we were to eachother. i miss her so much.


i smell like bari and bari has a bracelet and i have her pocketwatch

and i haven't been talking to lucy nearly as much as i did or have. and i sort of feel bad, but it's feeling more and more right to just...... let her be and move on. not in a nikol-way of me meaning that, but in that the whole "i love you, i miss you, when i get my license i'll come visit you" just doesn't seem real or right anymore. and maybe it's cos i haven't seen her in so long and it's almost hopeless to have whatever we had, or that we never had it to begin with

ned (12:24:48 AM): maybe you both just realized that talking all the time about how it used to be is monotonous.... she'll always be aroud. shes just got better things to do than live in the past.
caffienatidjazz (12:25:05 AM): as do i?
ned (12:25:40 AM): indeed

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 24 January :: 11.55 pm
:: Music: blur - best of, neutral milk hotel, then tragically son, ambulance

laughing and hugging and falling down staircases and then falling on my face in sadness
bari came over today.

for the first time.

it was fun. we both acted so drunkenfucked i coulda swore i had taken something.

then, as we're lying on top of eachother on the futon, she puts a pick in her mouth, spits it up, catches it, and swallows it.

she's at the nearest hospital.

i realized as soon as she left i shouldv told her to call me after all this is cleared up or something but i forgot.

i'm a fuckup friend.


caffienatidjazz (11:45:48 PM): new thesis
caffienatidjazz (11:46:20 PM): conor is too afraid to lose cool girls through relationships and fucking up in relationships so he treats cool girls like really good friends until they think he's gay
caffienatidjazz (11:46:45 PM): when he should be fucking SOMEONE
conor also has stopped recording music because he knows he can't write lyrics, can't sing, and is musically limited.

diana (11:49:58 PM): newer thesis:

conor is a sweet guy who is being a grump at the moment, and thinking he sucks. but we all know he doesnt.. and furthermore, we know hes adorable and happy and pink!
diana (11:50:18 PM): + he is very talented and super hot
caffienatidjazz (11:51:34 PM): god. i need to see a therapist. but that's so anti-everythingme
diana (11:51:47 PM): dont see one then. youre alrightttt
Idb1223 (11:53:11 PM): be happy
caffienatidjazz (11:53:28 PM): thats what i tell myself. cos my mom is like the kind of person who says everything thats wrong with me or that i wind up in is my own damn fault and my dad was always selectively intense and yelling and so i've been so not therapist material no matter how much i hurt or fuck up myself or anything. it's like how i hate going to a teacher for help. i should be smart enough to get through these things alone. i shouldnt need a crutch like a teacher or a therapist.
caffienatidjazz (11:53:37 PM): i want to be happy and pink
caffienatidjazz (11:53:44 PM): i was so happy like an hour or two ago
caffienatidjazz (11:53:45 PM): wtf

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 23 January :: 2.10 am

caffienatidjazz (2:08:21 AM): i just remembered the feeling of summer. and spring. and lucy there and walking around town with ned on cough syrup and parker scat singing and the joy of having two people there who i really cared about and being in the good weather. i fucking miss that. and being warm all the time

i fucking remember all of that. i'm remember smells from spring break in florida. saying hi to dan after that game. the shitty food and the weird smelling halls.

i remember when there was me, lucy, ned, ross, parker, isaiah, mike pham, bari, nikol. not that i knew all of them that well but they were all there.

and now everythings so cold and fucked up.

when's the next girl gonna come along? when's the next outdoor all night romp around a campfire at kate's house?

i've wasted so much time this winter being angry, and frustrated, and sad and lonely.

it's not so convenient having friends there all the time anymore.

i dont know anyone anymore, and everyone is getting farther away.

i wish i didn't try to bridge them all, or hold on to them all. it'd make the process a whole lot easier.

people used to come to me. i'd get lucky. i'd been put in situations where i was forced to accept so many different people, then take in people who accepted me for my ... -ness. i dont know.

people dont come to me anymore. i'm not special. i'm just another dumbfuck teenager with issues.

i want to be happy. i dont want to deal with a lot of people. i dont want to have to see some random kid every day when i'd kill for one night with lucy ned and ross. or something.

i'm overwhelmed with memories. passionate. colorful.

i can smell everything.

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 20 January :: 10.26 pm
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: bob dylan's blonde on blonde


i pull this shit too often.

i want to hurt myself so badly. make sure that no one has to deal with me any more. make sure i'll stop everything.

i just need a break from everything

i'm going to break something

hopefully it wont be me

did i mention i saw rilo kiley in nyc with sara and her brother and met malcolm? what a great fucking night.

what the fuck is wrong with me.

"well this is a rock record so that's sorta silly wouldnt ya say"

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2004 17 January :: 2.03 am
:: Mood: freaking fucking otu asl;dfa;lkj
:: Music: elliott smith - say yes

i'm in love with the world...
through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after
we broke up a month ago and i grew up i didn't know
i'd be around the morning after
it's always been wait and see
a happy day and then you pay
and feel like shit the morning after
but now i feel changed around and instead falling down
i'm standing up the morning after
situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
and i could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
crooked spin can't come to rest
i'm damaged bad at best
she'll decide what she wants
i'll probably be the last to know
no one says until it shows and you see how it is
they want you or they don't
say yes
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after

-elliott smith "say yes"

dear god i'm fucking pitiful tonight. this is the first low i've hit in a while and i swear to god this is the only song keeping me from drinking me into stupor.

fuck. just fucking. ugh.

god i could have every material thing in the world, and nothing would mean as much to me as a few lousy cds, which mean absolutely nothing to other people.

people dont get it. people dont get me. people dont get my music. it's like, as soon as i think i have something or i might have talent or direction it just get fucked over and i dont know what to do with myself anymore.

fucking. fucdslfkj.

i'm seeing rilo kiley today-night (well it's 2am.)

i dont know who my friends are anymore.

maybe it's me that's fucked up. fuck.

sorry for the rant, i just had to get this out somewhere. christ.

let's hope i dont get a bottle of booze.

3 comment(s) from simple mindss | only fools welcome.

:: 2004 14 January :: 11.41 pm
:: Music: elliott smith - the biggest lie

i made wall paper for the loft out of magazine clippings and scotch tape.

this weekend'll be busy. friday is practice for the coffee house, with jacob nanette and ned. the song i arranged. hm.

saturday i'm seeing rilo kiley in nyc. joy.

sunday... god what'll i do sunday? i should see a girl. or hang out with some friends.

but i say that every weekend.

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 13 January :: 1.02 am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: conor meara - shite! (arranged for two guitars, violin, and bass)

BubblGumPunkRokr (12:58:38 AM): frodo in chains?
BubblGumPunkRokr (12:58:58 AM): wtf is that supposed to mean?
shes not asleep (12:58:58 AM): :-)

Are You HOT or NOT?



81 votes
Rate me!

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 12 January :: 8.16 pm
:: Music: wilco - i am trying to break your heart

the garage is finally set up.

it's beautiful

watching the wilco dvd in the dark in the garage with heat and no one to bother me.

this is the happiest i've ever felt alone.

i've taken more comfort in music. put more of my time and emotion into music. getting my heart and head off of women and my own damn hormones.

that doesn't mean i wouldn't love to have a girlfriend. or get laid.


didn't see kate sunday like i said i would. i lost her phone number when my phone died. she didn't call. i didn't bother.

today she said sorry and it was her fault. but i wasn't there to answer.

oh well.

now that i think about it maybe i do want a girl.

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 6 January :: 7.39 pm
:: Music: the flaming lips - with you

so she says hi in the hall
so she says hi in the theater lobby, where i shouldn't be in the first place, as i walk through and her boyfriend turns around, arm around her to see what the fuss is.
what the fuck am i supposed to say???
one of those things...

When I walk with you, I feel weird.
When I talk with you, I feel weird.
When I'm standing here, I feel strange.
When you're standing near, I feel strange.

All that I know
is my mind is blown.
When I'm with you.

When I'm with you. x5
When I'm...

When you're touching me, I feel great.
When I'm touching you, hallucinate.
When I'm standing here, I feel strange.
When you're standing near, I feel strange.

All that I know
is my mind is blown.
When I'm with you.

When I'm with you. x5
When I'm...

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 5 January :: 12.57 am
:: Music: the flaming lips - brainville, guy who got a headache and accidently saves the world


"It is hard. Art is a struggle. You do something and you fall in love with it and you become obsessed with it. Because your obsessed with it you can't see clearly what it is you're doing. It's always a struggle. You don't know if it's any good, or if it has any quality or if it's going to move other people. You know it moves you, but you're obsessed."


i've got a new site up with selected mp3s and mp3s to come.

enjoy. and suggestions welcome

only fools welcome.

:: 2004 1 January :: 12.16 am
:: Music: flaming lips - chewin on the apple in your eye

yea, so if its sad
well you still gotta live till ya die
man, everyone's chewin the apple you got in your eye

it like at the circus
when you get lost in the crowd
your happy but nervous
definite sign that you lost it


happy new year. i'm. alone. and cold. and nothing blew up. i'm goin to bed. goodnight.


fuck. i can't sleep. i'm lonely. fuck fuck fuldkfa;lskdfd

Elbies14 (12:10:46 AM): i went and ate jimmies with a little bit of ice cream at the chinese buffet
Elbies14 (12:10:56 AM): and i saw lotr again

caffienatidjazz (12:11:25 AM): 2003 needs a kick in the balls now that it's down. i want bruised ribs and helium voiced ball busting kick to the nuts. i'm not lettin go. bastard.

Elbies14 (12:11:28 AM): and i smoked like a chimney and drank too much champagne for once and ihad the perfect dress and a fur coat and flip flops and a tiara.

caffienatidjazz (12:11:47 AM): i sat here waiting for something to explode

Elbies14 (12:11:57 AM): this is the seventeenth new years i havent kissed anyone at midnight

it doesn't even line up. fuck. guh.

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 31 December :: 6.37 pm
:: Music: fuck music

fuck you.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 26 December :: 9.47 am

gone for the week.

hit me up, ill be bored

609-865-5522 (it works!)

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 24 December :: 12.12 am
:: Music: elliott smith - LA

caffienatidjazz (11:26:41 PM): so i got in the car home from bari's, and there was xmas music on
caffienatidjazz (11:26:52 PM): and i was like "turn that off, put this in"
caffienatidjazz: and my dad was like "but it's xmas music. xmas is fun"
caffienatidjazz: and i said "screw xmas"
caffienatidjazz: and he said "well you sure as hell didn't get laid tonight, grump"
caffienatidjazz: and i was like "wtf?"

ned and ross and i hung out the other day at my house.

natalie's grounded for the rest of break. or something. i dont want to know why. i fucked that up. i'm cursed.

i woke up at 10am this morning to go to baseball. ned slept here and was gonna leave right after we left.

came back at 1:30.

"uh... yeah, so i couldn't get a ride."

then he played wolfenstein. then he left. then i flipped out and tried to sleep. i dont know what i was doing.

then i went to bari's. fun. watched part of lotr 2 with her sister, mixed a drink for her mom and drank most of it, hung out, listened to music, made tea, drank tea, burnt my tongue, talked with her and her sister, left.

see top of page :D

oh! and this.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 22 December :: 3.55 am
:: Music: elliott smith - everything reminds me of her, elliott smith - everything means nothing to me

and a beautiful picture.

rock on.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 22 December :: 3.51 am
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: the thrills - your love is like las vegas

"Don't you know
You can't rewrite
Your own history
Cigarette Barbie

Your love is like a city I visited
Your love is like a city that burnt me good
Oh Las Vegas,
I could only afford one weekend"

that one's for you, ned. rock on, my man.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 22 December :: 12.01 am
:: Music: she doesn't deserve music.

nikol - grow up.

you should have been in the woods. you should feel bad. you should face what you fucked over. you failed. now piss yourself away on coke for all i care.

fuck you.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 18 December :: 1.57 am
:: Mood: ugh.
:: Music: pearl jam - last kiss

i hate this feeling.

i rarely play live, but when i do it's always the same.

tonight i performed a jazzed up arrangement of silent night (2 guitars, piano, bass, 3 violins, 2 flues) in a christmas assembly type thing for parents. jazz band, chamber orchestra, choirs, and a capella group all from the school.

the song was mostly just lots of held roots/thirds/fifths and walking between changes and fills and stuff. and i totally nailed it.

but anyways. every performance. i just shake. like... my whole body just tremors and i can't stop it. and then my stomach starts twisting on itself and about 15-20 minutes after the performance i'll find myself in the bathroom either puking or crapping my brains out. it doesn't even matter what i ate, it's comin out one way or the other. too much info? fuck you. >:(


natalie's home. i need to see her "asap"

bari said i have to see her and kate so i can profess my love to kate.

i want to hang with ned and smoke and rant. not even rant just talk. get shit out.

sara and julie. *fyung*

alex suguiera is a fucking nutcase.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 15 December :: 7.09 pm

Nikol (6:43:27 PM): i might not talk to you anymore conor

Me (6:43:34 PM): so i heard.

Nikol (6:43:42 PM): ill just say goodbye. its been nice being your friend
Nikol (6:43:46 PM): :-\
Nikol (6:44:05 PM): well

Me (6:44:16 PM): what do you want me to say?

Nikol (6:44:18 PM): i want one more conversation
Nikol (6:44:28 PM): i wasnt asking you to say anything
Nikol (6:44:54 PM): i just wanted to tell you to keep up your music
Nikol (6:44:56 PM): seriously
Nikol (6:45:02 PM): and finish your cd
Nikol (6:45:16 PM): and send me a signed copy that will be worth lots of money one day
Nikol (6:45:17 PM): :-)

Me (6:45:20 PM): will do

Me (6:46:02 PM): i don't get it.

Nikol (6:46:19 PM): get what?

Me (6:46:28 PM): You (6:43:27 PM): i might not talk to you anymore conor

Nikol (6:46:43 PM): oh
Nikol (6:46:44 PM): well
Nikol (6:46:50 PM): i want to move on

Me (6:47:00 PM): cool

Nikol (6:47:01 PM): from lville
Nikol (6:47:08 PM): thats not what youre thinking

Me (6:47:08 PM): i'm not from lville
Me (6:47:14 PM): ok.
Me (6:47:18 PM): well i dont know what to think

Nikol (6:47:18 PM): ha
Nikol (6:47:28 PM): i cant tell you what youre thinking
Nikol (6:47:31 PM): now can i?

Me (6:47:32 PM): it's barely like we talk anyways.

Nikol (6:47:38 PM): i know

Me (6:47:42 PM): and you cutting off all communication is just kinda....
Me (6:47:43 PM): eh.
Me (6:47:47 PM): anyways.
Me (6:47:48 PM): have fun.

Nikol (6:48:03 PM): bye

*Nikol blocked as of 6:48:04pm 12-15-03*

"closure doesn't exist. don't let anyone try to sell it to you when you're hurting" - jello biafra

ned doesn't deserve this.

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 15 December :: 5.38 pm
:: Music: b.r.m.c. - what ever happened to my rock n' roll? (punk song)

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 14 December :: 11.52 pm
:: Mood: pissed
:: Music: wilco - monday




it's over.

i'm going to fuckign punch someone in the face.=

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome.

:: 2003 14 December :: 11.04 pm
:: Mood: shitty
:: Music: wallflowers - sidewalk annie

guess what i did this weekend?


caffienatidjazz (10:18:33 PM): i feel like getting drunk and walking to kate's house barefoot.
caffienatidjazz (10:18:43 PM): in a cheap suit
caffienatidjazz (10:18:51 PM): with one hand a bottle of vodka
caffienatidjazz (10:18:54 PM): and the other a cigarette
caffienatidjazz (10:19:51 PM): but that's just me

god damn i need to get out of here. i dont know if it's me or the people around me but

i smell shit.

if the fuckign dog shit on teh floor i'm going to strangle it

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 13 December :: 3.42 pm

only fools welcome.

:: 2003 12 December :: 10.55 pm
:: Music: zwan.

the week was a drag. i tried to keep a happy face. ned's ned.

apparently according to 100% of people i associate with at school, i'm gay.


lucy. i'm going to go fucking insane.

maryland. maryland is X miles away from here.

ned is going to go to nyc tomorrow by himself and "hang out" with nikol.

nikol and ned. firecrotch.

i'm horny. i'm lonely. this weekend is going to be another weekend. crap.

i want to hang out with someone and just... drink and hang out and be happy.

ned said i should hang out with bari more. ugh. i dont know. i dont feel confident being around bari. i feel so... worthless.

i'm never going to hang out with kate. i've decided. she's too... kate. she's not mine. she's ross' friend. she's bari's friend. despite the fact that she lives 5 minutes from me and now does not have a boyfriend, and it pretty cool..

i dont know what would make me happy right now.

i want a girl again.

1 comment(s) from simple minds | only fools welcome. | Random Journal