Was it life that I betrayed for the shape that I'm In? .... It's not hard to fail, not easy to win


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Screaming Deciecing and Bleeding for you...

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:: 2005 10 June :: 2.27 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: breaking benjamin - so cold

so i just read the last entry of my journal and oh my god that was a really long time ago.. me and jake are together now.. i love him so much!! we have been together "technically" for almost 3 months.. but me and him see us as alittle over 3 years.. he said he fell in love with me the first time he saw me and met me.. thats kinda the same with me.. so its weird.. i mean we have been through so much but we never gave up on eachother.. i mean yeah we didnt talk for almost 6 months.. thats just one of the bad things we went through.. but you know its all better now and im so happy being with him.. heres a secret.. i think he is going to get me a promise ring in a couple weeks.. :) he just started his job and he is getting his pay check next week.. and the ring is only like $80 on sale.. but not on sale like $180 or something.. but if he dont get me a ring its okay i will still love him more than anything.. but okay im going to leave now.. i just wanted to update that last entry..

1 --- kill count | die

:: 2005 18 February :: 4.31 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: depressing music that reminds me of him.

why, i ask. i dont understand. if i was dead he'd be happy, if i was suffering he'd be happy.... but when im there... when im there hes misserable. i thought he loved me..? i thought i loved him, no i know i love him.. but i hid it.. i didnt want him to know, i didnt want anyone to know.. but you know the saying "you dont know what you have until its gone" thats true.. this isnt the first time i've lost someone, and it wont be the last.... but i feel like i've lost everything. i feel like something is missing now. *crying* he wants time- i'll give him time. im done. its over. all this is telling me that he hates me and never ever EVER wants to have anything to do with me anymore. i just want to go back in time, and fix whatever i did... i want someone to kill me because jake would be soooo much happier if i was dead i bet. thats what he act like- who cares that i cry everynight right? he dont! i have so many things on my mind, so much to say about all this.. its just i dont know how to say it ever....... so im leaving it at this- if you love someone tell them before its to late..... i wish he knew.


:: 2005 6 February :: 7.29 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: lil jon and the eastside boys feat. usher - lovers and friends

i hate being sick. i love my angel (my kitty). i hate how i got grounded. i want to cry. i need someone. i want someone. i have a wonderful friend. i like this guy and mostly everyone knows it-but i dont know. this song [NIN-Something I Can Never Have] brings back so many memories. KaCey. Deppression. Phillip. Jake. Guys. Life. Music. ........... i just typed what was on my mind.... so sorry if it doesnt make since......?

2 --- kill count | die

:: 2005 16 January :: 11.59 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: something.

i have cried all day long..

guys are all assholes..

and i hate not being able to talk to my best friend..

4 days until my bday!!!


:: 2005 7 January :: 8.05 pm
:: Mood: sleepy and sick
:: Music: Linkin Park - My December

long time.

okay, i feel better now.

so its been awhile now.... with my grounded so far... i have earned the phone the internet and my allowence back (its soooo stupid)... my parents are way to strict.. oh well

my bday is in 14 days! i will finally be 17.. lol

[Blink 182 - Lost Without You] <<< love that song

i really cant write im thinkin of jake.. and its hard to concentrate.. lol :p


:: 2004 6 November :: 5.06 pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: eric clapton - tears in heaven ..&.. queen - bohemian rhapsody

so...... im just chillin over at my grandmas house again..... lots has happened this week.. last sunday i got grounded till im like 80 because im stupid and got caught in a lie.. i said i was gonna spend the night with dugan but i went to scotts house and stayed the night... yeah scott got back last saturday.. i am grounded from everything, it sucks.. wednesday my grandpa died of a heart attack.. and the family has been together ever since.. i took it alright, being the first person to die in my family that i was close to.. but today we went up to the funeral home to see him and give the guy some papers.. and i cried then.. first time i had cried... i kept it all in.. i still have alot in... the funeral is monday at 2.. its an open casket.. its gonna be so sad.. its already sad now.. i am thankful for everyones help to my grandma they have been so nice and kind.. i love this song by queen it rules.. but yes, im gonna go now.. and like lay down or something... so yeah... ? bye

1 --- kill count | die

:: 2004 23 October :: 6.50 pm
:: Mood: silly
:: Music: none

wow, its been a long time again.. alot has happened once again.. hehe.. i dont feel like explaining i just wanted to say hello.. and i have changed AGAIN.. so yeah, like ill write back later when i have the time.. because im over at my grandmas house at a cookout/bday party.. so um.. bye?


:: 2004 2 October :: 12.04 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: a playlist/ right now-- Tool-Sober

so, its been almost a month huh? alot has happened.. friday myranda told me that she talked to scott thursday night and he said he was getting on the bus november 11th!!! he told her to tell me that he will see me when he sees me.. haha i just cant wait.. me and ryan have been going out, sunday will be a week.. kc and dugan are now going out.. they started going out the same time me and ryan did and.. today me and ryan kissed for the first time.. and so did kc and dugan.. this is gonna be weird.. lol oh well i can handle it,, god i am so tired, i have to stay up until 2 something to talk to sam.. its worth waiting for though.. i love talking to sam, i love everything about him.. he loves everything about me too.. but right now i want to be with ryan.. weird huh? then i dont know... im gonna go to sleep for about 2 hours and then wake back up.. so yeah bye


:: 2004 4 September :: 10.42 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: shinedown - simple man / velvet revolver - fall to pieces / smashing pumpkins - tonight, tonight

so.. good news: NONE ... bad news: me and kacey broke up.. it was thursday when i broke up with him but before that.. wednesday he broke up with me and we got back together 9 hours later but before that monday we about broke up but we didnt, and on tuesday night on the phone we was talking about him breakin up with me (he didnt want to do it over the phone) so he broke up with me wednesday morning.. so this was a 4 day thing but acually its been going on for awhile in our heads without tellin eachother.. i have cried myself to sleep monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and friday.. now i will probably end up crying myself to sleep everynight for awhile.. he is my bestest friend in the whole entire world.. and i am his.. i wrote this thing for me.. about him.. i read it to him and he told me that it was really good.. i say it sux.. but iono i say that to everything i write.. i called it "memories"..........

oh wait there is good news acually...... SCOTT HICKS is coming back in november! i cant wait..

im so f*ckin depressed.. i want to die.. someone please shoot me or something my heart feels like its in a million pieces and will never be whole again.. its true.. he is my life, my love, and my best friend in the entire world.. i love him more than anyone knows.. more than i even know.. i hope and pray that he isnt happier with another girl.. because i couldnt be happier with another guy.. (one reason we broke up-about happiness) okay i need to go no one cares about me and my stupid life and my stupid emotions.. and my depression.. bye


:: 2004 5 August :: 4.17 pm
:: Mood: hungry

mmm i love corndogs :D they are yummy.. yummy in my tummy.. haha.. so anyways.. kacey has been gone for a week:( i still got a week left.. *tear* but im handling it well.. i thought i'd be sad and stuff and ya know.. well i havent been.. im just like he'll come back :) a few nights ago i was having trouble believing that he loved me i kept asking ppl that knew him and me.. and stuff.. and they thought i was crazy for askin.. but ya know.. i know he loves me.. and i dont think he will do anything stupid down in florida to screw up the relationship.. i havent yet and i dont plan on it.. yesterday i went to the city.. to school shop for clothes.. i love them all :D they rock! i got 2 pairs of shoes.. vans and converse.. they rule! anyways.. yeah.. i miss kacey.. and im still hungry.. i stopped eating to write in here.. so now im gonna finish eatin.. lol byeee

1 --- kill count | die

:: 2004 23 July :: 4.02 pm
:: Mood: iono
:: Music: sugarcult - stuck in america

just wanted to say something..

3 --- kill count | die

:: 2004 11 July :: 6.00 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: alot of diff stuff.. (all the names wouldnt fit..)

not sure what aggravated really means, but i say it means that im about to get pissed off... i just know it!
man.. alot has happened in the past two week.. i cant really say it all.. i love aqua teen hunger force!!! they rule.. my desktop wallpaper is MEATWAD!!! yay :p **owww i just bit the side of my lip** *singing.. SHES A BRICK...... HOUSSSSE... SHES MIGHTY MIGHTY JUST LETTIN IT ALL HANG OUT, SHES A BRICK..... HOUSSSE!* haha... man, my dads gf and her two kids are commin over.. i dont like them... grrr.... man i feel like shit.. i should throw up or something.. but i dont wanna make myself because i use to be like that.. and i dont know.. it hurts.. BREAKING BENJAMIN RULES!!! man, i have listened to alot of songs.. and i havent even wrote that much.. man.. today i told Sam Colvin to kiss KaCey when he saw him and he did...... i was just kidding when i said it.. but he didnt know that.. lol.. he said i owe him.. i called kacey a bit ago and asked him if he got a kiss.. and he was like YEAH!! lol it was funny.. and sam was over there and i said tell him i was really just kidding.. and kc did and hes like.. "she still owes me" lol... Thursday kacey told me that he loves someone else too.. and after he told me that i felt like we werent going out anymore.. i dont know but it made it feel different.. because now everything im with him thats all on my mind.. is that he loves someone else.. but ya know what.. it dont make since.. he said he loves me with all his heart.. wtf.. how can there be room for another girl then? lol.. oh well i love someone else too.. but shhh!.. lol... his name is forever SCOTT!!!!! :D blah blah blah... uhh.. man, i miss him.. but ya know what.. i may love him still.. but i love kacey alot more.. i mean although i did have greater feelings for him than i have had with kacey so far.. i have other feelings for kacey i never had with scott.. you cant have the same feelings altogether with another guy as you did with another one.. (god i love this song.. the best of me..) did what i just said about feelings make any sense? hmm.. anyways.. *singing.. tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone the worst is over you can have the best of me we got older but we are still young we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up* man, i wanna see KaCey.. this commin weekend im going to Noel, Missouri.. gonna go camping and float the river in a canoe.. we do it every year.. this year kayla is gonna go with us.. but sadly laura is not.. she said she dont feel like going.. i keep beggin her... but nope.. she still says no.. uhhh.. anyways.. i guess im gonna go cuz i dont know what all to say anymore.. or im just to lazy to type it all.. iono.. bye

1 --- kill count | die

:: 2004 28 June :: 11.55 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Sugarcult - Pretty Girl

man, i woke up not even 30 mins ago.. and im dead tired.. yesterday i said "oh shizzle" Kayla just laughed at me... i have no idea why i just said that.. it was funny though.. "that was the shiznet!" haha.. (matchbox 20 - push) good song.. i fuckin hate the high school.. cant wait till i graduate.. cant wait till my 18th b.day because my dad might get me a tattoo.. and im gonna beg my mother to get my lebret pierced.. (soil - halo) VERY good song.. god, im annoying myself.. . .. . ..... .. . . . . .... ... ... . . . ...... . . . . ... . . . . .. .


:: 2004 17 June :: 11.01 pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Soil

i am so worried.. i hope it isnt true (only certain ppl know what im talking about)... today was Jessica's birthday, it was purty fun... i put cake in her face.. haha.. and Sam and Aaron threw her in the pool.. and she drove sam's truck.. we all about died! but it was great.. KaCey is in Tulsa until sunday afternoon... so i dont really got anything to do... :( ... oh well :p i'll live.. anyways.. okay, im gonna go.. i forgot what all i was about to say..................


:: 2004 10 June :: 1.09 pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Mest - Rooftops

i love this song!
"up on the rooftops, listening to punk rock, nobody believed us, this could be our one shot" man, im tired.. i went to bed after 2:30 and woke up at 10:30 thats not enough sleep.. lol.. oh well.. i've gotten lot less than that.. this summer sux ass.. i wish i lived alone in my own house (kacey can come and live with me) but i hate having to watch my brother.. it sux.. drugs are bad! haha.. sex is bad also!!! haha.. thats the worst of them all.. big things can come from little things like that.. (oh god, that sounded horrible..) lol.. man, this song reminds me of the time i was going out with this dude named jonathan, he was so fuckin hot! i mean, id ont know.. but he was like a jock kinda guy.. iono..... anyways its a good song though.. its like a love song.. i havent heard it in along time.. yeah, anyways.. im gonna go i feel really sick.. and im gonna go and take a shower.. bye


:: 2004 1 June :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: recumbent
:: Music: sugarcult - pretty girl

i learned a few new words.. yay!
Recumbent means relaxed.. wooohu!.. anyways.. SCHOOL IS FINALLY OUT!!! this year went by alot faster than my freshman year.. hmmm, oh well.. my hair looks so freakin awesome today!!.. 6 days and me and kacey will have been together for 5 months.. it would be longer but no, i had to be stupid and break up with him the first time.. lol.. this is a good song (verve pipe - the freshman) wow, this guy just said he is going to kill me, first hes going to rape me then kill me.. and he laughed about it.. and i said wow, i cant wait.. and i said when and he said now, im right out your window.. and i said yeah, okay.. stupid ass.. lol he is one of my friends so yeah.. but im going to leave now.. because i forgot what i was going to say.. byeeee


:: 2004 16 May :: 11.15 am
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: NIN - Hurt

im tired... i woke up 30 minutes ago.
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become
my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way....

this is me and my friend mohammed's song..

whoa.. i havent wrote in here for an hour.. oh well.. i just downloaded the new yahoo messenger.. the BETA version.. its kinda kewl.. but yeah, i forgot was i was going to say. so bye...


:: 2004 15 May :: 3.10 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Simple Plan - dont wanna think about you

How much could you sell your body for? by xhappyxfoetusx
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

What Kind of Sex Will You Die While Having?
by delia43
Date of deathJuly 2, 2068
Age at death102
Type of sex you die duringWoman on top
Does your story get into the newspaper?Yes
How much inheritance your children get$39,336,866
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Best Sex:
by coralxfang
WhereIn My Bed.
WhenDecember 14, 2058
How Long? ( hours )18
Good Or Bad72 ORGASMS!
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What Kind Of Superhero Are You?
by electronicoffee
Your Username
Your First Name
Your Superhero Last NameInfernal
Your WeaponSword of Light
Your 1st SuperpowerTelekinesis
Your 2nd SuperpowerPsychic Raybomb
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What Is Your Life Motto?
by mswickedgirlie
Your MottoI'll do anything for money.
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Love Life
by Asphyxiate
First name
Favorite fruit
Number of computers in your house
Number of lovers you will have in your entire life32
Number of "true loves"6
Your futureYou will turn bisexual
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Anime Self by blargityblarg
Full Name:
Hair Style:Shoulder Length
Hair Color:Blonde
Eye Color:Hazel
Role:Hero's Love Interest
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

How Crazy Are You?
by ChaoticThief
User Name
Favorite Color
What Psychosis You HaveBi-Polar
When you are DiagnosedApril 1, 2003
What it makes you doDance Naked in the Fields
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My Life as an Anime Character
by Shirono
Your Name
Your Gender (m/f)
Series TitleSuper Genki Ultra Soul
Series TypeHorror
You area violin player
You havetoo much energy
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your life in the Vampire Chronicles
by jadeddyskrasia
Your maker will be:Pandora
You will die at the age of:691
You will be killed by:Louis, who hired a hitman to do it because he couldn't do it himself
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

The World Is MINE! by Demonac
You will conquer:the United States of America (except for Texas).
Your title will be:Bill Gates
You will succeed by:Creating your own religion and convincing your followers to suicide bomb strategic targets.
Your Enforcers will be:Orcs (millions of them! nothing beats orcs!).
Your first act as ruler:Hire Stephen Spielberg to direct a movie about your life story.
(What happened after) Try "The World Was Yours! What Happened?" MEME to find out!
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

The World Was Yours! What Happened??? by Demonac
Abused your power byCommissioning an anatomically correct monument to yourself
Untilthe Care Bears
...Deposed you in a bloodless coup: all-smothering.
And adding insult to injuryThey took your name off the telemarketing "Do Not Call" list.
But now, after all that, you arein a medium security prison, sharing a cell with former Enron officials.
(How did you conquer?) Try "The World Is MINE!" MEME to find out!
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Become a God or Goddess.
by zerogirl
God/Goddess ofThe Moon
Animal Companion:Rabbit
Weak againstFood
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Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates anine
your best quality isyou always have a good time
your worst quality isyou think life sucks
this is becauseother people influenced you
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Threesome Fun
by Mckennat
Favorite Color
Date of ThreesomeSeptember 23, 2015
Location of Threesomepublic restroom
First PartnerJustin Timberlake
Second PartnerDr Dre
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

are you sexy?
by jeska
your name
do YOU think you are?
on a scale from 1-10 you are a3
other people say you aremaking them horny
your sex appeal will last tilJanuary 18, 2080
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What kind of Final Fantasy Character would I be?
by TheBlueParadox
Your Name/Handle
Your Hair StyleBeautiful Flowing White Hair
Your Clothing StyleVery Formfitting Suit of Armor
Your Weapon of ChoiceThrowing Stars
Your MissionMy Target? You.
Your Role in the FantasyBackup in case the hero fails.
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Movie Partners (Girls Only!)
by churchbabe
Your Username
Lord of the Rings PartnerEomer
Star Wars PartnerJar-Jar
Pirates of the Caribbean PartnerWill Turner
Finding Nemo PartnerNigel
Harry Potter PartnerFred Weasley
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Who is your Pirates of the Caribbean Lover?
by SoExcited612
LoverThe sex god CAPT Jack Sparrow
Where it will go downThe desert island (with rum!)
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Which Animal Is Your Sex Symbol?
by antiprep
Your AnimalDuck (no seriously DUCK!)
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Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
Stripper Name:Skipper
Customers say:"Nooo, come baaaack!"
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What Kind of Sex Do You Prefer?
by amay129
First Name
Type of sexHard and Fast
How many times will you3254
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Whats Your Embarrasing Pet Name
by floratia
In a Relationship
NameHuggy Bear
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SEX-girls only by Seiteki
Who you want to have sex with
Inches he will give3
How many times you will orgasm5
How many times he will orgasm1
How will you do it?Bondage
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

What are you wanted for?
by meteoric
CrimeYou blew up someone's car
Reward for capture$830,951
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

What Do You Cry Out During Sex?
by twinkerbelle
What You Cry Out:"AYE MOMMIE!"
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

What Will Be Your Overly Melodramatic Death?
by Celaeno
Are you beautiful?
Your death:On your knees. After your begging finally changes the mind of your executioner, a cruel twist of fate will cause the gun to misfire.
Your parting words:"I... never wanted another..."
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Who is your true love?
by badmelbad
Who?Benji Madden
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What will your last words be?
by cum_on_bitch
Your LJ username
Your real name
Your sex
Your age
Your last words will be..."who spilt my beer?!"
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!


:: 2004 14 May :: 5.00 pm
:: Mood: bored

You would make them suffer

How would you kill someone
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p

What kind of kiss are you?
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I Will O.D.
You are going to O.D. on a mixture of alcohol and
some kick ass drugs. At least you went out mest
up on all that shit before you had to see 2021.

How Will You Die?
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The Kinky Sex Goddess, you are the wildest out of
all the Sex Goddesses. You love it hard rough
and will fuck anywhere you can. When you get it
on you get super freaky whether it's
handcuffing your guy to the bed or even you
getting a hard spanking it turns you on so
much. You love change and will try anything at
least once and twice if you really like it ;-)

What type of Sex Goddess are you?
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You are a rebel. You don't care what others think.
You don't follow rules. People think your cool.
Your hot stuff baby!

What type of person are you?
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I am 39% evil.
Take the test :: koolplace.com


What fast food restrant are you?
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kinky isn't a feather...its using the whole damn chicken! and you kno it. you are so kinky that even you are afraid of yourself sometimes.
kinky isn't a feather...its using the whole damn
chicken! and you kno it. you are so kinky that
even you are afraid of yourself sometimes.

What type of SEX do You enjoy?
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You would kill Avril by...
Stabbing her to death with a sharp metal object you
found on the street somewhere, you violent son
of a bitch!

Avril Lavigne - How will you torture and kill her?
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Angelina Jolie
You're dark, twisted and gorgeous, Angelina Jolie.

What sexy girl are you
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you're XhardcoreX!

How can I label you?
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You are the mystery woman

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange
darkness and sadness lurk about you.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Middle-aged. You'll die from something unexpected,
just when your kids are going to college or
something great is happening. Cause Unknown.

At what age will you die?
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What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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Night Sky1
You come from the Night Sky. You're drawn to the
stars and planets, and it's no wonder why, you
came from them.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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You are, er, Marilyn.
You are Marilyn Manson.

Who are you?
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you're so dumb
you are the "you're so dumb" happy bunny.
you are brutal in your words and enjoy putting
others down.

which happy bunny are you?
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your asshole.

What swear word are you?
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Tramp Bear
Tramp Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Suicide! (and you know it, so... dont u have
something to do?)

Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

now that im done takin quizzes it is 7:30.. i started at 4:45 or around there.. i am sooo bored... hmm.. most of those quizzes were stupid.. ill take more if i get any bored tonight.. bye i love you kacey!!! [although you never read these]


:: 2004 13 May :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Story Of The Year - Anthem Of Our Dying Day

im tired and i have a headache.. not a good mix.
my name is finally on the list, so i dont have to pay now.. woot!.. i have a headache..

I Love KaCey Rockett Forever

i really have nothing to say. so yeah, im going to bed.


:: 2004 10 May :: 3.15 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Rancid-fall back down, Staind-so far away, The Ataris-the boys of summer, AFI-the leaving song pt.2

no. yes. maybe. i dont know.
okay, i cant talk.. im leaving. but i finally sent in my 2 dollars! i told ya i was gonna send it today.. lol.. anyways im going to kaceys bye!


:: 2004 9 May :: 8.41 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Green Day - Time Of Your Life

im bored.
hmm.. donno.. i have nothing to say really. i just wanted to put an entry in.. i hope i send in that 2 dollars soon enough.. well i hope it gets there soon enough.. hmm.. maybe ill go and send it tomorrow.. yeah, that sounds good.. i guess.. iono.. man, kacey went to see Van Helsing tonight with john for his birthday, and i was gonna ask him to go with me this weekend to see it.. hmm.. oh well.. he said he will go and see it again.. if not, then oh well. i wont see it.. i wanna see kacey.. im gonna go.. i love you kacey!!! byeee..


:: 2004 9 May :: 8.28 pm



:: 2004 9 May :: 9.06 am
:: Mood: tired

i hate holidays.. today is mothers day.. i made my mother cry, she loved her flowers and her card.. hmm.. oh well.. i am sooooo tired.. i went to bed at like 1 in the morning if not later... cuz i was on the phone with ronnie for about 45 mins last night.. i was with kacey last night for awhile.. i love being with him.. okay im gonna go bye


:: 2004 5 May :: 11.13 am
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: none.. I NEED SOME THOUGH!!!!

what does optimistic mean anyways?
Yo. "expecting the best in this best of all possible worlds" thats what optimistic means.. i just looked it up.. um.. i dont know if im optimisitc? am i? i dont know.. anyways oh well. today is a weird day. im freakin hungry and i want to go home and sleep[wink wink]. i cant wait till 3:30 i finally get my hair cut. i have been waiting for a long ass time. im gonna get it thinned, straighted, and trimmed. thank god. i wanna put some color in my hair, but i dont know what color. hmm.. oh well. we have a long time in here, 15 mins!!! wooo.. lol it will go by slow. im leaving. bye


:: 2004 4 May :: 11.41 am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: none, but i need some

today has been a bad day already, i have found out something. i never wanted to find out about me. well i dont know if its true, its just i think. and i dont know. i just nevermind. i have only told one person about this. and i hope and pray to god [if there is one] that she doesnt tell a single soul. im gonna try and forget about it, and hope that it isnt true. i have been such an ass to kacey today i think. at the pep rally me and whitey were talking and laughing. but me and kacey werent, we hardly talked at all. and him and john were talking, so i was like okay, ill talk to whitey.. and yeah.. lol. my back is soooo soar. well, my whole body is soar. it sux. we have alot of time left in this class, damn it. whoa, i just got a cold chill. thats weird, because its freakin hot in here. at the pep rally i took whiteys permenent marker and wrote IM GAY on his arm.. lol it was funny. today i get to go to kaceys house right after school, thank god i dont have to go home. i dont wanna go home, its boring. and i have a feeling im probably going to get introuble because im already short tempered today, and when i go home its gonna be hell. im gonna get yelled at and everything. last night i about got introuble because chad got me some nasty shit from sonic, he knows i never have gotten cheesy tots or whatever they are called.. their fuckin gross.. lol well not that gross. but still. but i gave him the dirtyest look ever [donno how to spell] when he handed them to me. anyways. i dont know what more to say. man, i need to send two dollars. i just read about it. see i read about how people need to send two dollars and all that shit. but i never knew what they were talking about. but now im like, OH! maybe if i read things you know. well i need to go, we have like 5 mins left or something like that. bye. i love kacey forever and always.


:: 2004 30 April :: 9.42 pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: John Michael Montgomery - Hold On To Me

worried, yes.. im worried about everything.
man.. i havent felt like this in along time(i dont know how to explain it, just my inner feelings about things)..

anyways.. tomorrow im going to the movies.. hopefully whitey will be able to go.. then im gonna ask alot of other people to go.. we are gonna go and see mean girls!!!! wooo.. lol.......... that was funny i said some mushy shit to whitey and he logged offline.. and i left him an offline messege saying "all that mushy shit scared you away, i dont blame you.. lol" it was funny.. and then he logged back online.. yeah.. said his computer screwed up.. well yeah im outta here.. bye i love kacey very much! (....*inside thought**....)


:: 2004 30 April :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Daniel Beddingfield - If Youre Not The One

Guess what!?!?! Scott told Myranda that he misses me and to tell me he says hi.. when she told me that i was happy for the rest of the day.. because i had thought he forgot all about me.. he isnt coming down this summer, so no telling when the next time i will ever get to see or talk to him. it would be nice to talk to him again or hear from him.. hmm.. i need to get my mind off of him, i love kacey.. man.. nevermind.. i just dont know anymore.. i feel.. like i dont know nevermind.. i just wanted to say hello.. and i have to go because i cant think straight.. bye


:: 2004 18 April :: 12.32 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: story of the year - until the day i die

this is me and kaceys song..
i feel like kacey has been lieing alot.. hey, if you see or hear anything.. please let me know.. im not acusing him of anything.. but i have been getting stong feelings about it hear lately.. and i dont know.. i feel bad because i wrote him an email.. i was really pissed off in the email.. and i dont know.. maybe i overreacted to the situation.. okay, what happened was well we was on the phone and it was 11:40pm.. and he goes "me and sam are gonna go drop by my cousins house" okay, does that sound suspecious or am i just imagining it?.. i dont know.. he might of been telling the truth.. but still.. i have been feeling like this, and that did NOT make me feel anybetter..
kacey is my life, my friend, my companion, my love, my everything.. yes, that is very cheesy but its what i feel, and what i feel is very true..
i have been talking to jake.. and you know, i dont understand him.. he has done sooo much for me as a friend and i feel like i have done nothing.. i have turned my back on him so many times.. i have treated him sooo badly.. and he is still the same.. i guess thats what you call a true friend, right? i told him thank you for being there and everything.. cuz he is, hes always got my back, no matter what.. and i told him.. even though i may not act like it.. i care about him, and i love him as a friend.. me and him have been through so much.. and a simple little thing broke us apart.. and i also reinsured him that he is still my best friend.. cuz i knew he thought i didnt think of him like that anymore.. i have turned my back on him to many times..
this is a good song, BLINK 182 - I'M LOST WITHOUT YOU..
man i have the worst headache ever.. i have been wanting ibprophen since this morning.. but i still havent went and got it.. its sitting right over there by my door.. but im just to damn lazy.. lol..
i keep thinking about kacey.. i dont ever want to lose him, how many times have i said that? i dont know.. i just feel like he is going to leave me for someone better, MUCH better.. earlier i asked jake if he thought kacey would ever leave me for someone better and this was his response.. "u know what i was going to say something i dont think he would leave u for anything or anyone if he does u can kill me with all ur anger but i really doubt he'll leave u Heather theres no one better then u ur funny active nice all the things u can think of that i cant right now"..... i just dont want to get hurt again like i have in the past relationships i have been in.. i want him to be different.. i want to stay with him forever.. i dont want him to leave me like everyone did.. or anything to end up like it has in the past.. i love him with all my heart.. and i'd do anything for him.. and i mean anything.. i use to be unsure about that, but i now know the answer..
me and jakes convo...........
so what r u thinkin bout?
about kacey leaving me..
**about kacey leaving me and finding someone better..........
**New and better
he wont leave u
god, i hope not
theres not anyone better than u
yes.. there is...
i dont think there is
it be ok
just dont think bout it
alright.. ill try not to
ok good
ull be ok

anyways.. im gonna go.. its 1:15am and i want sleep.. and while im up hopefully ill remember to get the ibprophen.. lol.. byee

3 --- kill count | die

:: 2004 17 April :: 12.20 pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have

im tired.
im soo tired, i had to get up at 5:15 and come back home cuz my dad called me over at lauras house and told me to come home and watch aaron cuz he had to go to work.. so i came home.. fell back asleep about 5:45 or something.. and woke up at 11.. ahhhh! lol i feel like shit.. and right now i have the stupid hiccups.. not helping my stomach.. and i have a headache, and my neck hurts.. rrrraaaaaaw...... lol... gurupo.. hardyharhar.. man.. this hiccups are so gay.. i hate these things.. lol.. anyways... blah.. last night i was at kaceys from 5:30-9:00.. it was fun.. i love being with him.. i have a good playlist playing.. HHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE... lol.. anyways.. yeah.. blah. blah. blah... im gonna go over to my mothers house real fast.. so uhhh.. bye


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