<3 Make a promise to me now. Reassure my heart somehow, that the love that I feel is so much more real than anything. <3


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Life gave me lemonade...

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:: 2006 27 August :: 8.26 pm
:: Mood: tired, but HAPPY

Stone Sour -Looking at you through the glass
Josh told me he loves me. And I believe it. When we look at eachother it's like there's no one else in the world. I love that. I new I'd fall in love with him. You can tell it'll happen immediately. I love love love being in love. He treats me like a princess. You know the only argument we've gotten in so far is over who's more perfect. I say he is, he says I am. We're just always happy to be together. I like that a lot. Our relationship is completely perfect (at least so far...).

Oh wait, I forgot. There is one thing that is not so perfect. His mom. See, she seems to think we spend too much time together. She told him not to get too attatched. My parents think she's crazy. They LOVE Josh... they think he is it. They talk about him like he's their son-in-law or something. My Mom is even driving him all the way to Calvin Christian tomorrow just so that he can go to a baseball game with Steph and I. That does NOT happen. I just don't get why his mom doesn't want us to hang out so much. I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong... but I can't find anything. I hope I didn't do something bad that I didn't realize was bad at the time. I just want her to like me. His dad seems to, and Tyler is in love with me. Ty hangs out with just me and is perfectly fine with it. It's just his mom... which, by the way, is the last person you want not liking you. UGH!!!!

Anyway, I've gotta' jet. Love ya' all. See ya' tomorrow... if you're at school that is. Peace out.


2 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 19 August :: 10.13 pm
:: Mood: pleased
:: Music: crickets

Josh. I just love the name. He brings out a part of me that I didn't know existed. I feel perfect with him. I can't stop smiling when I'm with him and when I think about him. It's AWESOME. My friends love him, my family loves him, I like him a LOT... it's amazing. Plus his brother is in love with me and his friends and I get along GREAT! We already talk about "our" kids and "our" house and where we'll live. It's weird... but cool. He even wrote a song about the situation we were in with JD... it's WAY sweet to me. He says that he's waited so long for me and that he's not scared to stand up to JD for me even though he would probably get killed, because for me it's worth it. It was AMAZING!!!! He's amazing. This whole relationship is perfect. I absolutely adore seeing him. We hung out until around midnight last night, then today I saw him at two and he goes, "Did ya' miss me?" I thought it was cool, he said even a few hours is too long to not see me. I tell ya', I have to best boyfriend on the planet. NO DOUBT!!!!

Anyway, I'll stop babbling now. Check ya' later loves.


3 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 12 August :: 1.53 pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: XM Nation

Tennis starts in TWO days. ONLY TWO!!!!!!!! Rock on baby!!!

Josh = Amazing!! Poor kid had the worst day ever yesterday though. He seemed better after a while of talking though. Hopefully everything gets better.

Umm yea, bonfire at Lauren's tonight... should be BOMB. I can't wait... girls night rocks.

What else? umm... nothing. Tennis will be my life as of Monday... until school at least. So if you need me... look at the courts... I'll probably be there!!

Rock on and rock out people. Peace!

2 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 8 August :: 12.14 am
:: Mood: AMAZING!!!
:: Music: crickets

So, I went to Josh's house today. He made me dinner, I met his family and friends Tyler and Brittany. Then we watched fight club in his basement. It was awesome!! Ya' know what I learned? My skin is soft. lol... yea, he's weird. He played his guitar for me and sang... it was the coolest thing. I pretty much like him a LOT! Yea, unfortunetly two of my friends are gonna' be HEATED. But ya' know what... I am too excited to care right now. I LIKE JOSH... and he's my BOYFRIEND. That's right... he asked, I accepted. ROCK ON!!!!!!!!

Anyway... see ya'll later loves. Chao.

-J to the K-

3 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 6 August :: 12.40 am
:: Mood: annoyed

Leave the Pieces
You only care because he could have what you used to.
You only care because suddenly I'm not your puppet anymore.
You only care because I don't believe he's a bad guy like you say he is.
You only care because you're not over me.
You only care because you can't stand the thought of me not caring anymore.

But ya' know what... I like him. I like him a LOT. You knew that the day we broke up... just like I knew about Kayla. You say you hate me dating your friends. Well screw you ass hole. Kayla and Katie are both my friends, and I hated it too. I finally really like a guy other than you. Don't ruin this for me. If you are right about him then so be it, but until he's proven himself a jerk I'm going to like him. I honestly don't care what you say anymore. He's what I want right now... and I think it'll stay that way for a while.

1 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 2 August :: 6.57 pm
:: Mood: content

The Beach
I wish life was always like today. Hanging out with friends, just sitting in the sun and the sand. I wish waves were our only obstacles in life. I only got dragged down once by a wave, and I popped right back up completely unharmed. I wish the only fights were mud fights. I wish I could stay with my best friends forever. I wish I never had to come home from the beach, from the carnival, from freedom. I wish we could just keep sitting there in the water, talking and laughing.

I wish life really was a beach.

2 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 31 July :: 10.15 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I dare you...
My goal: don't talk to him (at least not by choice) for a month. Until school starts basically.

How long it will last: Hopefully the whole time... but probably not since I feel like breaking it right now.

I really hate this. I'm so sick of hurting. So sick of feeling like she's better than me... like I'm not good enough. I try to tell myself that I'm too good for him. I try to tell myself that he never treated my well anyway.... but it doesn't help. I still feel like this. I still feel like shit. I hate this. I've never had to do this before... and I do NOT want to do it now.

3 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 30 July :: 10.48 pm
:: Mood: crushed

Tied up in ancient history... again
WHY am I jealous?? I should NOT be jealous!! So he kissed her, so what? I've kissed other guys... no biggie. Only it is... like a LOT!!! I know I shouldn't like him, but I do. See before the other girl didn't like him, then the other girl had a boyfriend... but this other girls is single and CRAZY about him. I HATE that. I hate that more than anything else in my whole life. I felt my heart jump from my chest and land at his feet when he told me that. And do you know the worst part? The last thing he said was, "You're still my best friend, right?" HELLO!!!! You just killed me... you made me be completely freaked out and upset all day, but of course I'll still be your best friend. Why not? I LOVE shooting myself in the foot.

I hate boys... stupid stupid creatures.

Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 23 July :: 10.03 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: silence

Stolen survey
1. are you missing someone right now?: kinda'
2. are you happy: I'm confused which is hindering the happy thing
3. are you talking to anyone right now: No
4. are you bored: Yes
5. are you german: a little
6. are you irish: maybe...
7. are you french: Yes
8. are you Italian: maybe
9. are your parents still married: Happily
10. are you in love with someone right now: Funny how you can love but not be IN love

1. hometown: Cedar Springs
2. hair color: Blonde
4. hair style: I don't think it's named
5. eye color: Blue
6. shoe size: 8
7. mood: Overwhelmed
8. orientation: umm...
9. available?: Pretty much
10. lefty/righty: Righty

1. have you ever been in love: Yep, it's getting over it that's the issue
2. do you believe in love: Obviously
3. why did your last relationship fail: Because we're both stuburn, I can be a witch, and he can be the most selfish, cold-hearted jerk on the planet.
4. have you ever been heart broken: Mmhmm
5. have you ever broken someone's heart?: Yes
6. have you ever fallen for your best friend: Does it count if he turned into my best friend and I fell for him all over again?
7. have you ever liked someone but never told them: Many times
8. are you afraid of commitment: Kind of, I'm too young to know who "the one" is... so why commit to ONE person?
9. have you ever kissed someone you liked: Yep
10. have you ever had a secret admirer: Don't think so.

1. love or lust: In a way, they're interchangable
2. hard liquor or beer: umm... neither
3. night or day: Night
4. one night stands or relationships: How about dating a few guys at once for a while... not just a night
5. television or internet: internet (it's got TV too)
6. pepsi or coke: PEPSI
7. wild night out or romantic night in: In
8. colored pictures or black and white pictures: Black and white
9. phone or in person: In person
10. aim or phone: Phone

1. been caught sneaking out?: Never snuck out
2. skinny dipped?: Nope
3. done something you regret?: Oh yea
4. bungee jumped?: Nope
5. been on a house boat?: Yea
6. finished an entire jaw breaker?: Mmhmm
7. wanted someone so badly it hurt?: Wanted how?
8. been caught by your parents with a hickey?: No
9. danced in the rain?: Of course
10. had a hang over?: Nope, never.

Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 15 July :: 3.38 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

Can't you just take ten seconds for me anymore? Is it impossible!? You think I want you to spend every waking moment with me... but that's not the case. I love hanging out with my friends and family... I need time for them and myself too. But I would like to see you more than ten minutes a week. We haven't hung out in a week and a half or more. Yet you say that I'm being selfish asking why you have to hang out with Nick and Logan all weekend and then into the week, and sleep over at Matt's for days at a time. You wouldn't even come over when my grandma died to help make me feel better! You were too tired from hanging out with your shit ass friends all night the night before!!! Well I'm sorry that her death came at an inconvenient time for you! Ass hole. You constantly call me your best friend, tell me we'll get married someday, tell me that you love me. Well if you ask me that's a crock of shit. You don't hang out with people you feel that way about only once in a while... you hang out with them at least twice a week... for longer than an hour. I know I have a job and softball, so I don't get as much time to just lounge around with my friends... but you could at least try to hang out with me when I have time. Not avoid me completely. I can't even believe you had your arm around me at that car show. You ignored me basically all day, unless it was to prove you knew my grandpa and his friends. I told you I would only see you for a couple minutes because that's always what happens when you're with your friends, but you wouldn't believe me. Proved ya' wrong again. I'm sick of being you 100th priority. I want to be at least in your top five. So give it a rest with the I love you, you're my best friend crap... I don't believe you anymore.

1 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 13 July :: 10.26 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

It's HOT outside.
So, I was WAY off today at our game. It sucked. I missed basically everything at first... then I started to get a bit better. But I guess it's not unexpected being as I've practiced once in the past two weeks. Plus this week has basically sucked... way more than any other week ever in my life. My Great Grandma passed away, you see. And she just happened to be one of my all time favorite people on the planet EVER. I love her like crazy... and I'll miss her. So yea, I guess if nothing else it got me off of work. That's AWESOME.

Yea, I'm suppose to go to Bryan's tomorrow to swim and hang out. Only for a couple hours though, thank the Lord. I SO don't feel like hanging out with him. I ditched him for JD Monday... but don't tell... nobody knows that (except JD obviously). I really just don't like the kid like that. I try to, because everyone wants me to, but I just can't do it. He's nice enough... but he has NO sense of humor. As a matter of fact, I don't think he knows what funny is. We went to the movies and stuff that I found histarical he didn't even smile at. It was retarted!! Moral of the story: Bryan is not for me.

Yea, I am in a weird place right now. I mean, I don't know what to do about a lot of different things... and it sucks! See, I like JD, but he can be a BIG jerk, and I don't like that at all. I also hate my job, but I have to way to get a new job... and I NEED the money for gas a stuff. I keep being forced into thinking about college, but I have NO idea what I want to do, and I don't want to choose a college until I figure that out. So yea, I'm just all dazed and confused.

Saturday is the Town and Country days parade and car show. I'm mucho excited. Have to get up at like 6 in the morning... but it's SO worth it. We buy goodies and sit under my grandparents easy-up canopy while playing cards, and when we decide to we walk around and look at all the other cars. We talk to all my grandpa's friends and hang out with all of the other people that are like us, Car CRAZY! It's really really fun. Plus we get there so early that we are first in line for seats for the parade. Gotta love that. It's just always one of my favorite days. It sucks though... cuz this year Logan and his cousin are entering their cars in the show. So JD will be there with them. I just don't see the need to have tuners in car shows. These things are for classic, classy, and muscle charged cars. Good old things that have lasted through the ages, not pathetic little import cars that have big rims and a stereo system. Yea, you're cool because you have enough money to make your car look and sound retarted. Way to be! Oy.

Anyway, I should jet. Talk to ya' later... hope to see ya' at the parade.


4 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 6 July :: 9.57 pm
:: Mood: blah

I don't try to describe the future. I try to prevent it. -Ray Bradbury
Boys. That's my life lately. I talked to Kulak for almost 2 hours this morning while getting ready to go out. Then I went out with Bryan. Then I called JD when I got home (because he told me to so that he could come over). You see this? This is what we call retarted.

Yea, Bryan asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him that I didn't know him well enough to be that for him right now... but we can keep dating so that I can get to that point. He said it was cool and now I'm going to his house to swim sometime.

JD made me want to shoot him yesterday. He totally lied to me and blew me off yesterday. I told him the only reason I wasn't gonna' completely hate him is that he's probably gonna' start working with me soon. And he would literally be the only person there that I don't like. But as usual he got off the hook... mostly because my mom and sister inturrupted the conversation halfway through. So yea, my bad with the assist going to them.

Kulak has a new girlfriend now. I can't help being mildly jealous. We always have fun flirting and such... and I usually have ALL his attention. It's one of those, I-don't-want-him-but-you-can't-have-him-either things. I'm a loser that way. But yea, I'll try to get over it.

I am just so sick of my family lately. It was really nice not being around them a lot today. I like being independent, but it seems like since the summer started it's gotten harder to get away. Sucks.

Yea, I'm really tired... so I think I'm gonna' take my body up to bed. Check ya' later loves.


1 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 30 June :: 10.21 pm
:: Mood: drained

High school is closer to the core of the American experience than anything else I can think of. -Kurt Vonnegut
Yea, I got to here about Ken's hot date the other night. I'm making a list of the things that the guys at work tell me that I do NOT want to know. (not really... it would be WAY too long.) I just think it's funny. Those guys think I'm so innocent... so pure... so naive. They have no idea what I've done, or more what I do. It really does make for an interesting time. I won't tell them unless they ask... so I suppose they'll never know.

I don't like Bryan. I pretty much decided that after the first date... but I hung out with him a couple more times just to confirm. He's just too, I don't know, goody goody or something. He's never ever had a girlfriend, he is super super religious, and he's a MAJOR mama's boy. It drives me CRAZY. I want to like him, mostly because everyone else wants me to, but I just can't. Is there no happy medium between Mr. I've-slept-with-everyone and Mr. I-can't-touch-her-she's-a-GIRL! Ugh. Honestly, I just want a normal guy. Wait, does that exist? Probably not. Well, sort of. I guess there could be guys who've had girlfriends but never slept with them before... hopefully. Wow, it's sad that I even have to think that.

Oh speaking of boys... JD is such a psychopath. I shit you not. He is the most confusing, nutso kid I've ever met. He doesn't want to date me... he just wants to mess around with me. And that's basically fine because I enjoy that too. But at some point it gets weird. Whenever I'm with another guy he gets all jealous and protective... which is retarted since I'm not his property, but whatever. I just would like to know where I stand. Like, he told me that I have to bring him with me to Coast Guard festival agian and he wants to go with us to Sparta for Town and Country days. Then he called me baby at Hobby Lobby today, went out of his way to go past my house Tuesday when Bryan was over, and called me at 10 to make sure Bryan was gone. But he doesn't want to date me... he likes Katie and Shae too. AND to top all of this craziness off, any time I mention how silly this whole thing is he say's I make him feel like an ass. (Which by the way I really don't mind!) He makes life SO confusing... way more than necissary. But I like him still. He's cute and AMAZING... yea... we'll leave it at that. Plus I love to cuddle with him... having his arms around me makes all my problems dissapear, because with him I feel safe. I love it. Too bad it'll all go away when we go off to college. Oh well, for now I guess I'll enjoy the good times and ignore the bad. As usual.

Okay enough babbling about things that will bore you to death. I'll check ya' later. Chao loves.


3 wanted to dance. | Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.03 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: softball world series

ARIZONA WILD CATS!!!!!!!! They could go all the WAY!
So, I'm almost sad we don't have school anymore, but not at the same time. It sucks not seeing everyone as often, but then again there are things and people I'm glad I don't have to deal with daily anymore.

This week has been so deadly... and it's only Tuesday. I've had tennis camp and softball practice the past two days. Plus yesterday I did tennis then softball then more tennis. It wore me out. Today I had tennis from 7:30 to 9 this morning and then softball from 10-noon. I didn't even get to go home between. So when I got home I ate lunch and ended up falling asleep on the coach... but that only lasted around 10 minutes. Then stupid Steph woke me up, so I went up stairs to sleep (I was WAY tired). That nap lasted 2 hours. This is like a milestone people. I do NOT take naps... ever. Ask JD, he always got annoyed because I would hang out with his family or just watch TV instead of taking a nap with him. It's not my fault though... it's just not normal.

So yea, I'm pretty much in get-over-him-quick mode now. I'm sick of being jealous when he likes someone else... and I feel idiotic playing the jealous ex-girlfriend role. It's so not my style. But you wanna' know a secret... I have a crush on Caleb. Yea, JD's best friend. What can I say? I liked him freshmen year, we had a biology fling... of course no one will understand that unless they were there. But yea, I told J that, and he said it was cool. You could tell he didn't like it much, but he did predict it. When we were dating Caleb described his dream girl and J said it was me to a T. He said if there was anyone he'd be glad to see me end up with besides him, it would be Caleb. Only issue here is that Caleb is (or at least was) in love with my best friend. Gotta' love crazy triangles of crushness. Yea, fuuuun stuff.

Oh my gosh... do you know what makes me mad? Well, not mad exactly... just annoyed. Work. That place is evil. Beth is making me work on the 4th of July since I've had so many days off. But that sucks because I actually started to go to the fireworks and stuff as of last year, I was suppose to go with a coulple friends... and I can't if I'm at work. This job is seriously gonna' start to suck when Ken and Phil leave. Carl already quit, and Kati (I think) did too. Jamie's gonna' be my only friend there! Well, none of the afore mentioned people was really my friend, just people I had fun talking to and working with. Kyle and Drew can be fun too, it's just that I don't feel as comfortable with them. I don't know, if I had another option I'd take it... but I don't. So all I can do is hope it's not that bad. I have the farm too anyway... so we'll see.

Okay, I should jet now. Have a beautiful day loves.



Wanna' dance?

:: 2006 27 May :: 12.01 am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: silence

I'm never going to get what I want, am I? I'm never going to be able to do stuff that I went, have a late curfew, have a guy love me back. I'm not going to get what I want ever. Why can't I just except that? Life is not going to work that way... it never has, and never will. His friends are always going to talk badly about me, they're always going to think I'm a loser, a bitch, a controlling freak. I'll never fit in, and he'll never let me. I'll never kiss him, hug him, hold his hand, or feel his touch again. I'm always just going to be his friend. I'm going to be his friend in the way that Jamie is, not the way Katie is. I'll never be the one he hugs and messes with and gives back rubs. I'll never be the one he flirts with and laughs with. I'll always be the one who's making him look like an ass. I'll always be the one trying not to cry. And in the end I'll always end up going home repeating over and over to myself that he doesn't matter, and that I'll find someone better.

I'll never be what he wants, but I'll always be what he needs. And I'll always love him... even though I won't always like him. I hate the pain I feel... it hurts worse than anything ever has before. And trust me, I know pain... I really really do. Physical pain is nothing compared to this. I just want to be the one he wants. I want someone to want me too... and I want it to be him. Why do I have to still want him? Why do I still have to love him? Why can't he just still love me?

Why am I even asking? I'll never know the answer... but I'll always wonder... and I'll always miss him. Always.

Wanna' dance?

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