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2003 31 May :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: tired/happy happy
:: Music: ~*Manson*Tainted love*~
voolakasha!!
hey peoples whats up? not much here..i just got back from renees a lil while ago..fun fun fun. yesterday was muh birthday so i slept over at her house last night after everybody left my place. well ill talk about that later but right now i shall get into the field trip to universal that went on thursday. woot woot. so here we go. okay, kathy called my house thursday morning at like 3 sumthing to wake me up because shes kewl beans like that. i was so very very dead for like 30 minutes and i remember rambling on to her about a bunch of shit that probably doesnt even make any sense. oh well. then i spent like 20 mins looking for a cd case so that i could bring a bunch of muh cds to listen to on tha bus. fun fun. later on i got off the phone with kathy and fixed up my hair and my makeup. renee called and said she was on her way over with her datty. there was a cockroach on mi damn wall thast scared the crap outta me. but i really didnt do anything about it...ick. well renees datty took us up to Bair in our crappy little orange t shirts. he dropped us off on the street by the school and we walked the rest of the way. yup. erm..we went to our table int he cafeteria and renee checked us both in cus im a lazy bitch. bwahhahaaha. anywayz, i read notes from sandy to jonathan and it was hilarious cus sandys such a slut. ew them two together..that just isnt right at all.. scaryness. okay well the bus ride there wasnt that exciting..listened to music most of the time and talked wiff renee. the little bastards sitting behind us were really starting to piss me off and i downed like 4 tylenals because i had a headache. they were playing movies on the bus. pretty gay ones though. lilo and stitch and harry potter 2. ergh. i didnt pay attention to them though. nikki and kasey were sititng in front of us, kaylani and sara or h.e the fuck you spell it were next to us and in front of nikki nd kasey were courteni and courtney. yeppers. renee and courtney were passing notes so i kinda zoned out. then me and renee were laying on eachother and piggin out on candy that i brought along for the trip. at the first rest stop we didnt really see anyone there. no one interesting at least. so we just went in for a few minutes and courtney checked out something to buy for her mom event hough she didnt end up getting anything. then we went back out and waited by the bus. mr sloan and ms clock were our chaperone ppl..ugh they sucked balls. mr sloans a big hypocritical douche wad who can burn in hell..no really, he can. PLEASE. ergh. well then we kept on driving and we were like the last bus to end up at universal. we met up with matt and quinton who were standing outside our bus before we even parked! scaryness. but i already knew they were gonna stalk us. renee was really pissed off about it or at least it seemed like she was. the first ride we went on was twister. not fun at ALL. but we saw maria and jessica up there and we made "the family", i cant remember who we assigned the relations to but oh well it doesnt matter anywayz. well that ride sucked ass and renee was depressed and pissed off for the longest time it seemed. then we went on jaws and it still sucked and matt and quinton kept poking at my boobs and my ass. after jaws we went to go get ice cream and we all sat out in front of the little shop and jammed to old songs. fun fun. then we got up and i cant really remember where we went next..but eventually we all kidnapped ivan and he joined our little group. we ran into eddie up at the men in black thingy and from there we went into a massive ass attacking thing where we all were running around smacking eachothers asses and whatnot. i went to the bathroom and my ass was like blue. lol. damn people. but it was all in good fun. teehee. well then we stopped at a gift shop when we left all the guys at the men in black thing. i had a bee or something on the back of my t shirt and it wouldnt come off...scaryness much. i was screaming for renee and courtney to get it off but they were being stupid and renee was screaming "just rub up against the wall or something!!" funny shit. well the guys were pissed when we got back cus we kinda told them that wed be out front..lies. matt was being fresh with me the entire time and thats all you REALLY need to know about him. ivan got me a penguin at the gift store. eddie got me a bigger penguin holding woody. and quinton got me a chilly willy the penguin pendant which im wearing right now. cuteness. and i picked kathy up a squidward pin because she didnt get to go on the trip. ::sniffle sniffle:: k so..yeah the rest of the time nothin really happened. we went over by a food place to rest and renee ran up and slapped crash bandicoots ass. cus hes her baby' datty. funny shyt as wellz. mmhm. hes the homie. well we all hugged like 50 million times and took lots of pics together at the end. i surprised myself because i NEVER take pictures, lol. oh well. then we all crashed out on the floor by the buses and talked and shyt and matt was still all over me. i gave eddie a hug and a kiss and he went to his bus. then it was just me,matt,renee,ivan, and quinton and courtney. yuppers. we got back on the bus and started on the way back to the rest stop. in the bus i fell asleep on renees lap and i guess some people were trying to take a pic of me sleeping or something but they didnt. friggin weirdos. at the pit stop renee woke me up and i stumbled my way out of the bus. renee carried me on her back and i saw big greg i got a hug and a kiss from him and a hug from kaan and robby. then renee ran off because ivan was chasing her for some odd reason. renee came back shortly and got some "hoe soda" aka sprite, and she was pretending to hit on my language arts teacher..i cant wait to see what ms holland has to say about that on monday. peachyness. i bucked some cheesy combos from ivan and trampled back to the bus, hiding them from mr slan and ms clock. then me and renee split the hoe soda and renee turned int0 her split personality, bonquisha or whatever, and started talkin all ghetto. again with the funny shit. she was disturbing nikki and kasey and it was really awesome. then kasey and nikki found out she was bi and that was even better because renee was pretending to hit on me and kasey and nikki were like wtf??? ..yeah greatness much. it doesnt matter though cus we tight like that. i almost fell asleep again on the bus but i didnt. when we got back me and renee wandered around and then we decided to just walk to my house and have my dad drive renee home from there instead. we ran into melody on the way out and i gave her a hug and stuff cus shes kewl beans like that. yupyup. you know why? cus hoooes gotta drink too! wee. ok anyway we walked back to my house and on the way i called zane. renee was acting all crazy and she had this man voice goin on and she kept sayin "my name...ees vi-o-let"..yeah it was pretty great. in short, we got back to my house and my dad drove her home. i went on the comp for like 5 minutes and i was talking to zane. i knew he had read my letter by now so i was nervous as fuck. he didnt mention anything about it though. i got off the computer and went to bed because i had a headache, i was tired and my feet were hurting really bad from all of the walking that day.
<>My Birthday<> my mom came in and woke me up and i struggled to stay asleep. but she got me up anyway and my grandma was over. she gave me a few presents and then i wandered into the shower. when i got out sam was there and so i went into my room in my bath robe and got dressed. i came back out and i was in a really pissy mood for some reason. i guess i kinda know why but i wont mention anything in here. me and sam sat at the table and i was eating grapes. then my mom told me and sam to go in my room and she said that i should start cleaning up. same gave me a cd that she has made for me, i thought it was really sweet and that actually got a smile out of me. the first of that morning. the songs on it were really fancy. then me and her attempted to straighten up my room. we watched some tv as well. then shortly after that my mom came in and told me that i had to clean the patio. well, when i went to the door and looked out there was a bunch of decorations up and renee,bryan,zane,jeremy,emma, and ashley were standing out there. i knew that they were planning something but this was pretty tight. i ran away kinda after standing outside for like 2 minutes because i kne wmy hair looked horrible. then i went back out and exchanged hugs with everybody. mums brought a pinata out and we beat the shit out of it, or the candy i should say. bwah. there was candy everywhere and we were all throwing it at eachother. and shoving ice down eachothers shirt and pants. then everybody threw me in the pool with my clothes on and i was holding on to ashley so she fell in too. twas funny. we all got together and threw jeremy in and then bryan and emma just jumpe din cus they fancy like that. we couldnt get zane in though but i got him in eventually. eddie showed up a while later and ALL of us banned together and threw renee in the pool. then we all got in and started beating the crap out of eachother. kathy showed up later on too and we got her in the pool as well. there was just alot of smacking and screaming and being stupid going on in the pool but it was all awesome. zane stayed kind of distant from me for a while but then as i was walking by him by the pool he said that he had to tell me something and that hed tell me later. so i thought about that forever, lol. being the curious one that i am. eddie sam and ash chilled by the pool for a while. we all kept on fighting and humping eachother in the pool which is always a good time. heh. then we had cake. jeremy took a piece of cake and put it in my bathing suit bottom and smashed it all around. i have NEVER had so much icing crammed in my ass and my crotch in my entire life. thatw as just wrong. so i ran in the shower and got it all out, yuck. then came back out and spilled icing on everyone. we went back in the pool and was spraying soda all over eachother and clinging on to eachother and just being stupid. fun fun fun. then eddie went in the house and my mom threw his clothes in the dryer so he was only wearing a towel. well me and renee followed him into the house and stripped his towel off in my moms livingroom. so funny. renee says he has a nice ass, which he does mind you. eh heh. he got a new towel and sat back with the others. jeremy was playing guitar. my mom was filming and i was licking everybody because im just the greatest person ever like that. emma nailed zane in the balls which wasnt cool. then me and renee and jeremy cornered eddie on the floor of the patio and jeremy looked away, held on to eddies towel and ran away with it. me and renee stole his other towel so he was just butt ass naked on the patio. awesomeness. then i gave him a towel and he put it on and hid behind kathy. he got the camera later on and was filming us all. then, eventually we all ended up in my livingroom after i helped my mom clean up everything we fucked up outside. we started to watch the ring but my dad wasnt feeling too great so he wanetd everybody to go home. zane pulled me off to the side and basicly said yes to the letter that i gave him. and ive never felt so happy in a long time. that lifted my spirit for the rest of the night,lol. i couldnt stop thinking about it and i told kathy about it and she gave me a hug and stuff. i felt like i was gunna cry cus im corny like that. lol. aww, hes so awesome. =) well me and zane hung out with bryan in the front yard while he was waiting for his datty. then kathy came out and chilled with us too. josh was riding aorund on his bike acting stupid as always, then he left. then i gave bryan a hug and he left. then me zane and kathy went back in the house. kathy left. then eddie. then me and renee walked jeremy and zane out and hung out in the street for a few minutes. then they left and me and renee went back into my house and had some more cake. i really wish erin could have been there because i missed her so much and i wanted her to meet everybody. ::cries:: hopefully she can come over today but its already 3 something and i havent heard from her yet so i doubt it. =/ urgh. ::tear:: ....well...i slept over at renees last night...we went through old notes and killed eachother and watched the lion king..i have no fucking idea why..but its all gravy baby. lolz. this morning we watched the ring and went on the computer at her place. and listened to really old music like ace of base and whatnot. interisante. then my dad picked me up and i came home and ate some more hoe cake. then i went on the computer and thats where i am now. woopty doo! im talking to zane, quinton, and emma right now and im trying to see if zane and jeremy can come over and chill for a while cus i dont really feel like going anywhere and i cant in case erin decides to show up on the doorstep. hopefully ::crosses fingers:: i might go to the mall tonight with everybody so well just hafta see what happens. if i can get ahold of all of them or not, well see. well im gonna wrap this up..hand achin from all the typin..bye people! -Stephanie
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lp13a13ex54x
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2003 28 May :: 8.21pm
:: Music: *linkin park*faint*
getting better i suppose
*waves* oiy, i hope that rushing back into a relationship with eddie all of a sudden isnt something that ill regret. i mean i care about him, dont get me wrong..but there are just alot of things that im going through right now, mixed emotions and wotnot. and sometimes those things are just easier to work out by yourself..if you can stomache it. kathy gave zane the note today. and im like..::shakes:: my whole body was trembling earlier and i really want to know what hes going to write back to me. then again if its bad im kind of on the line of NOT wanting to know at all. but this all has to get cleared up, it just has to. i just keep thinking about that dream i spoke about in earlier entires and i can only imagine how absolutely wonderful things would be if that all came true. oh i wish, i really do! *crosses fingers and nearly faints* thats all i want in this life
* the field trip is tomorrow morning and i just cant wait! oh, life is looking so much better these couple days and now it all just rests in the hands of zane and his reply to my note. my heart has been shattered many a' times before by the same person and if it happens again i dont know what else i can do! but i know that it wont be pretty because im not very level headed when im depressed, anyone can tell you that much.
well today in school it was alright, we got our tshirts for the field trip, which i regret because they could look more gay. ugh, damn jennifer norwood. horrible person she is! stupid little t shirt...like i told all of my friends though, once we arrive at the park im just gonna turn it inside out. wee hee .::smirk::.
kathy came over after school today and it was really fun, eddie walked us both over to mi place, yippi! we just talked most of the time and i wrote her a note cus iy wuv her and she was saying how she has only gotten like one note since this year has begun. plus i had to bring up some stuff to her that i couldnt in front of my mom, heh. i wuv you kathy! and of course my fiance josh! ::smiles::..hes a hottie..lol. shush you didnt hear it from me.
kathy left and then i went to 711 to stock up on candy and gum and get everything together for tomorrow mornings trip! again im so excited, the bus ride is gonna be hell though, thank any superior being that we are allowed to bring headphones, yesh!! ::grins and blasts headphones:: whoopsys.
i already know that tomorrow on the trip my friends matt and quinton are going to stalk me and renee and she swears that shes going to kick their ass..its quite interesting actually. i do hope kaan is going on the trip but i highly doubt it. ::sniffle sniffle:: i know alot of people who arent going and it pisses me off because this is when i FINALLY decide to do ANYTHING school related outside of school. heh. just my luck i suppose ::tilts head:: =/
well im talking to emma right now, ::waves to john because she can:: so im gonna hurry up and wrap this up...oo also jeremy. eh heh. the one with the sexy friend john..and whos also gunna pierce my belly! hehe. koolness much. god...still very nervous about what zanes gonna say, wish me luck you guys! even though most of you dont even care but i do! its everything to me. and i know that probably nobody will be able to understand that but thats ok! because i do :::breathes because she feels like shes gunna start pacing across the room at any second:: okay my mind is thinking faster than my hands can possibly move so im gonna go before the keyboard of the computer explodes! bwah. love you guys, bye. hope that i dont get killed for some reason in orlando tomorrow! lols. i dont know why i would but im just a morbid thinker like that. heh heh. -Steph
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lp13a13ex54x
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2003 27 May :: 7.30pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: *mOBSCENE*Manson*
you never really know whats gonna happen...until it does.
sitting at home right now at the comp. some huge storm has set in so its pouring down rain. in a way thats how i feel on the inside. school was okay today i guess..i kind of ignored eddie because i was upset. but thats normal i suppose. in 2nd hour we were doin this memorial day thing where you shared what you did over the weekend..mine was pretty interesting because it said it had to have math terms..so i said i cried for 4 hours. yeah, creative right? moving right along..kathys gonna pass afterall, thanks god because i need her soooo much. and shell be attending piper too, *yay*. in 5th hour i was kind of depressed and i wrote zane a note. i thoughts about it alot and before 6th hour started i saw kathy and i gave her a hug and i started crying. so we went to the bathroom and i told her what was going on. we spent about 45 minutes of 6th hour in the bathroom, even though it didnt feel like that long. i told her about the note and explained what was going on. at fist i didnt wanna give zane the note because i felt like if he replied and it upset me then it all wouldnt have been worth it but im gonna let kathy give it to him anyway and see what happens.. then zanes girlfriend came in the bathroom and was like "youre stephanie right?" and im like yeah and iw as still kinda sobbing..well she gave me a dirty look and she asked kathy what was wrong with me. kathy didnt say anything though. i love her. we stayed in there and talked about everything from life to death and all thats in between. even the hygene in the bathroom! lol were such losers. oh well. well eventually i stopped crying and we talked some more about life with cara and marisa and mary. lol mary. then we went back to class and mrs holland pretended to yell at kathy so that the class wouldnt think that we got away with spending all that time in the bathroom. the bell rang shortlty after and i got a ride home with kathy. my mom was at a doctor appointment and she didnt leave the front door open for me so i had to crawl through the back kitchen window and over the kitchen sink. blergh. fun fun fun, only....lies. well its like 7:33 and they still arent home...i keep hearing noises in the house and i just watched the ring again yesterday so..gah..::shiver:: lol im sucha loser. i talked to zane earlier and i now have him in control of my pain killer supply because he doesnt trust that ill take the right amount and he believes ill overdose...which is prob. right. heh. ah yes, even after all of that relationship crap and wotnot that i wrote in the other journal im going back out with eddie again. his apologies seemed sincere enough and hopefully i was right. i cant take much more hurt right now. i really do care about him though. hes reading my journal right now which makes me nervous because well..i kinda spazzed out on one of the entries and i dont want him to be updet over it. i guess he cant be though because its how i felt at that moment and that was just my way of venting. ugh..still nervous though. lol. i hope he isnt that pissed off over it. im not ever gonna say things about the future anymore because things happen and we just do things at the spur of the moment sometimes. like how i said i never wanted a relationship again..i need to think more. i told you so renee! lol. god im sucha loser. its ok cus all my friends know that already and still they seem to hang out with me. hey that just makes YOU guys losers too! ::points nd laffs:: lol. im still kind of depressed i guess and theres no telling when ill get my way out of all of this but i hope its soon. because i hate feeling like this. i really do. its funny cus i was asking everyones opinion today on what i should do..jsut..about everything and i never really end up taking advice afterall. im just ignorant like that and hopefully ill get over it and through it all in one piece. i just feel so alone even though i KNOW i have people there for me and that just makes me feel even more stupid. like im some attention moocher or something. i guess ill never really know because sometimes my friends are too nice to tell me how i really am. i love them though, all of them. ..well..still home alone..blergh. listening to music from the tv. love this song "fine again" seether..mmm. well this ones for john:
John: i really didnt notice that i left you out of my entires before but god knows i shouldnt have. you are one of my closest friends and even after all that ive done to you by being a bitch and just..everything..youve always been there for me and not a moment goes by where i dont appreciate it.youre really something else and im glad that were friends. with all of that said.....stuart little 2. ::cackles::
well thats it people, another day another entry, byes! -Stephanie
~*It seems like every days the same
and I?m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there?s no color to behold
They say it?s over and I?m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I?m dying here
And I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I feel the dream in me expire
and there?s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
?cause I can?t seem to get this through
You say it?s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I?m dying here
And I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well
And I?m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you?re never gonna get away
And I?m not scared now.
And I?m not scared now. No?
I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything?s gonna be fine
For me, for me, for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
I am prepared now for myself
I am prepared now, and I am fine again
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lp13a13ex54x
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2003 26 May :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: *christina aguilera*fighter*
damn the music video 4 that song ish scary...::hobbles away with stick thing::
jello people. well, last night was pretty fun. i went to the mall at like 9 with ashley, my next door neighbor. jeremy's friend john's mom gave us a ride up there. it was so friggin hilarious. first of all, half the time we were there we just ran around and acted stupid, which is ALWAYS good, especially since ive bin so down in the dumps lately and wotnot. yeah..so...they ran around and john kept on pole dancing and shyt..then him and jeremy ran around and were kicking those HUGE nasty bug things that are always up therre, around the oasis. there were SO many of them it was disguisting. but they would just run up and kick em and theyd go flying and me and ashley were cracking up nonstop. john was really neat. hes kinda hott too. but hes got a chickers so whateva. lol. he was being really flirty with me tho, which was quite interesting. he made me feed him starbursts and he kept on getting me to smack his bum and he scratched his name into my leg with a safety pin..yeah that was pretty funny. then him and jeremy kept on grabbing at my boobs and john got a kick out of my little squeal sound. we scared a bunch of ghetto people up therre, so that was pretty great as well. then john confiscated a butter knife from hardrock cafe and went around throwing it in the air and shyt because hes super sexy. then we went walking around the back of the mall and we saw skittles riding by on his bike. john screamed 'i know you!!!!!!" and started chasing after him..then some people we never even saw before walked by and said "get him with the knife" and then john found a toothbrush on the ground and screamed "toothbrush!!!" and kept on running after him..and the other guy was like "no get him with the toothbrush!" and the guy before sed "stick it in his ass!"..it was so great. well eventually john came back and we all continued walking...ashley didnt say much throughout the night except fight with john. lol. well aaaanyway...we kept on walking and there were stairs leading up to somewhere and john screamed out "staircase!!!!!!!!!!" then he ran up the stairs..yeah hes a crackhead. but hes still damn sexy. bwah. eventually jeremy found a shopping cart and he ran it off of a curb. then john ran up and threw it in the water..then the mall security was like youre gonna have to leave. and i kept on whispering to john to drop the butter knife in the bush and finally he did. then we had to sit there while one of the mall cops went and found jeremy because john pinned the incident on him. evil evil child..smart though. lol. well then we all went into the parking lot. some scary guy pulled up and asked john if i was his girlfriend and john was like, "no IM her girlfriend" it was great. then the guy asked if ashley was single and she didnt answer him she wa sjust like "whatever" and he said "you broke my heart" and he drove away..yeah that guy was friggin scary. johns mom called and told us she was on her way to come get us so we just walked around for a while longer. we went and sat down in the parking lot and jeremy and john tackled me in the grass and john was humping my leg and crap, lol. i couldnt sstop laughing. ....well we all made a dog pile and were killing eachother, even ashley. and then me and john took off with jeremys shoes and ran across the parking lot. eventually ashley and jeremy caught up with us and we stood out in front of the main mall entrance aand waited for johns mom. john got me to sit on his leg and stuff anf then he was like lets make jeremy jealous and he was holding my hand and crap. then jeremy and ashley were attacking eachother and me and john were talking. then they kept trying to get us to moon the cars that went by and john was just being fresh in which ways i wont state right now,lol. well his mom came and picked us up.
ashley spent the night last night and most of the time we were watching the metallica icon thing on mtv. james hetfield ish so sexy. lolz. we went to sleep around like 4. cus were fancy fancy like that.
this morning ashley left at like 11:15. then i had to get dressed and go with my dad to win dixie to pick up a couple of things.
i think ive come to a very important decision. if i decide to stay on this earth and tough things out there are a few things that i need to make clear to myself. maybe i can be in a relationship, but maybe i just shouldnt. its obvious im not happy with myself, so i cant expect anyone else to be. so i dont know if im going to see anyone else for a while. i know that may just seem like im saying it just because..but im actually thinking about it for once. theres things i need to get over, get through, and i cant be that selfish to another person in a relationship. thats the reason that eddie broke up with me to begin with, i was too wrapped up in my own issues. i would never justify what he did but im just saying..not everything is quite the coincidence either. =/ i still believe strongly that a relationship should be based on understanding, and trust, and the will to do so, so that two people can grow stronger together and learn to accomplish anything. but you cant always get that dependent on somebody like that. and right now i feel im just at that point where in a way, being single is good, but in other ways, i guess im afraid to go babck to having nobody. the only reason i would want to be single was for him. and thats just showing alot of dependence right there. so what does that really have to say about me? is that all that i am? i cant accept that and i know that nobody else would want to either. so for now its just me, myself, and i. to tough it out by myself, for myself, or to not. either way, if its gonna end, the only person who i want to be there is me.
one thing i will admit to though..no matter WHAT the hell it sounds like...
all i know is that, all my life, i have never loved anything more.
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lp13a13ex54x
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2003 24 May :: 11.18pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: *bloodhound gang*the bad touch*
the little bastard
gah..eddie just broke up with me. i kind of expected it. but still his reasoning was gay. he said it was because i have been depressed lately and supposedly i wasnt giving him any attention. awww poor baby! go suck on your moms tit some more. im sorry im just really pissed off right now because he makes no sense. but kathy.. i told you so. you know how he sed he was SO in love with me? yeah well it took him only this long to decide that he was gonna tell bryan that he doesnt feel anything for me anymore. and he told me to fuck off and called me a bitch. im sorry but im so glad i didnt believe him from the start. guys can be so very stupid. im kind of sad..but only kind of. you know why? because i have a damn army of people who want to beat eddies ass now, and its really funny. why you ask? because hes a big gay, thats one. and two, because i didnt even ASK them to, they all just saw his reason for breaking up with me in our conversation and decided that he was a big fucknut. which he is mind you. i told you before, relationships just werent meant for me. maybe im supposed to be alone or something..or so it seems..or maybe that dream i was talking about is some type of weird preminition (sp?) cus i KNO i didnt spell that right...well im out i just thought i had to share tha....the little bastard..he doesnt kno what the fuck ive been through lately...for shame. still it kinda sucks. but not more than anyting else ive been going through lately, it just adds to the pressure. some people just cant be trusted. zane im sorry. i love you. im sorry i didnt let you kick his ass sooner....well..time to sulk again...=/ bye guys. -stephanie
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lp13a13ex54x
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2003 24 May :: 3.05pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: *cold*stupid girl*
hi once again
this wont be very long. feeling the same as always recently. god..i miss him so much. somebody needs to slap me in the face for feeling this way. anybody. i seem so pathetic to myself. its storming and moms yelling to shut down the comp. ill fix up this entry later. bye......wow i told you id be back. its about 8:30 at night now. i talked to jeremy earlier and he asked me if i was going to the mall. my parents fucked over my plans for tonight so that wont be happening any time soon, the good thing is that i might be able to go tomorrow night. a part of me doesnt even want to go though, as much as i feel like i do. im being ripped in two different directions by myself. its like one side is saying, go ahead, have fun and try to forget about things..and the other is telling me to dwell on it and stay in my room and continue to think things over..like i dont deserve it or something. theres this other thing that i found to be pretty weird..never in my life have i had the same dream twice. well..last night was the 3rd night that ive had the same dream..it gets weirder though. the first time...it was just the beginning portion of it..then the 2nd night..a little bit more was added on from where that last one stopped off. and then last night i had it again. and it finished off. its odd so im not going to say what it was about or what it was involving..but it felt so real, like i expected to wake up the next morning with some of the features from my dream in tact. it was the strangest thing ive ever felt in my life. kinda scary in a way. i dont know what its supposed to mean though. is this the way that things are going to turn out in the end? it cant just be wishful thinking..because it was too perfect..all of it. and the way it just lleft off one night anf then continued right there the next two...it couldnt be. i havent told anyone about this yet. well i guess we'll see what happens. thats what updates are for. anyway, mike was really bothering me earlier. he asked about why eddie has been upset lately and i think i know why. mike was pestering me about it and i tried to explain that i just didnt want to talk about it but he kept going so i ended up kinda lashing out at him. i dont really feel bad about it though. its more my problems than it is eddies. and if eddie doesnt want to say anything to mike about it himself then thats between him and mike. they are way too confusing. well thats it for now so im gonna go. whyyyyy oh why cant things just start getting better? memories suck you know..they really do. *watches the ring because she has nothing else to do*
-Stephanie
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2003 23 May :: 7.36pm
:: Music: *Staind*Fray*
hello again
hello again. nothing much has changed, just feeling the same i suppose, maybe worse if its possible. tis the long weekend and i either have babysitting to do or just staying at home. the only excitement would be going to the mall but i dont even feel up to that lately, its odd. im not sure if ill discuss my problems with any of my friends anymore. i know they say that when you feel like crap you should talk about it, but that just doesnt seem like the case right now. i cant just lie and tell everyone im okay when they ask and i know im not, but i dont feel like i should tell them anything at all anymore, not about this subject at least. i just realized that it upset alot of people when i talked about it with them, and i didnt do it intentionally at all, but they just asked and im not one to lie when it comes to human emotions and wotnot. i love my friends more than anything else in my entire life, but theres just things i have to do for me every once in a while. all in good time they'll understand..yes thats it. theyll understand. they must. please? *cries* i feel like thats all i do lately...make people upset. and its true you know, nto that it would be a stretch, or anything out of the ordinary exactly. i cried today in 2nd hour, then again in 3rd hour and every time somebody would ask whats wrong all i could remember was shaking my head. the same thing went for lunch, and even 5th hour. finally i went to the bathroom and took something to make the pain go away for the moment. and it actually made me a bit hyper, until afterschool. i held up a facade though and i met up with melody outside of the school, and she said that she was walking home, so we stood out there for a while with andi and jen, and then started walking home a while later. it started pouring outside and my clothing, just everything got drenched. i came in the door and my mom told me to go take a hot shower, and she handed me my bathrobe. so i took her offer for the shower and everything was okay again for a while. when i got dressed i called zane, just to hear his voice before he went away for the weekend to his dad's place. it sounds like his life is doing so much better lately. he had to go so we hung up after a fit of silence. and i went on the computer...talked to kathy and bryan for a while before going back to my room and crying. i know you may think that i can just stop it just like that but its just the hardest thing in the world right now. ill be fine one moment, and then anything that even THREATENS relations to my little problem right now just sets me off and im a complete and total wreck. eventually i got up from my bed again and went back online and here i am now. all i can beg from any superior being that may exist, is please just end it for me. take me out of a world that has him in it. because i cant go on like this as much as i love him, it hurts way too much and i hate looking this pathetic, especially around him where he can see that somethings wrong. on the other hand, i feel like i have to keep my head held high, just a part of me feels this way mind you. its like i have to keep fighting for what ill never have just to satisfy my desires and keep myself from falling apart. i HAVE to have some hope that we might end up together again, as slim as those chances are. and i HAVE to walk around like everythings okay so it wont upset him. and i HAVE to make amends with him, i have to make it up to him i just have to. because i feel like when i stop doing all of these things..the single THOUGHT that i might hesitate on doing so..then i remember that hes really gone. just please, im begging whoever is responsible for this insanity called earth, just PLEASE get me out of here. im tired of feeling and being period. just everything is too much. all i want out of this life is death and i KNOW that cant be too much to ask for. i just know. ive been here long enough dont you think? ive felt almost every emotion possible and ive done my time, so just let me go now. im sick and tired of being a puppet to everything that i cant handle. and i know he would be better off without me, no matter how much he wants to deny it. i know everyone would, and they would move on eventually, i know this too. people die all the time right? just suck it up and move on..thats all you have to do. forgive me again, im being heartless. lately theres alot of that going around. with me anyway. i just wish i was half of the person my friends all think i am. i wish i could make them proud but im trying to do whats better for myself and i know that they dont agree. i wish i could be something so much better then this. and take away all of the pain everywhere, because i know theres a hell of alot of it. for now i can only deal with that of my own. and im tired of waiting for it to get up and go away, just tired. i want it over.
-I know, I should go. But i follow you, like a girl possessed. And it hurts me more, than you've ever guessed. If my broken heart could beat, it would break my chest. But i can see, you're unimpressed.
Well i want you notice, to notice when im not around. I know that your eyes see straight through me. And speak to me without a sound. As i walked out this morning, I cried as i walked to the door. I cried about how long i'd be away for. I cried about leaving you all alone. And i wanna hold you, protect you from all of the things ive already endured. And i wanna show you, all of the things that this life has in store for you. And ill always love you.
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2003 22 May :: 9.57am
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: *Staind*Zoe Jane*14 Shades of Gray*
wonder what's next...don't really want to know though.
hi. i feel really sick and weak right now. im home from school today because my mom wouldnt let me walk to school in the rain, and i didnt have a ride because she is sick as well. i cant believe i allowed all of this to happen all over again, and i think that if i had the chance i would let it again, because im just foolish and retarded like that. thats not me feeling sorry for myself because ive done enough of that lately...tis just me stating a fact. i just want so much to end all of it. it doesnt matter how much i say it because the more i do, the more i want to and the more likely i am. i cried myself to sleep last night, around 1 in the morning. i woke up around 4 and couldnt get back to sleep until around 5ish. woke up at 7:30 and started to get ready for school, just to find out at like 8, that my mom wasnt going to let me go anyway. parents are odd like that. i have a feeling she would have driven me to school if it were different circumstances. she probably knew something was wrong with me. or then again, maybe she didnt and im just hoping that maybe she cares. which i know she does but she could never understand. because its different for everybody when you lose someone you loved as much as i did. still i cant express it, and in a way i feel like i dont have to because it wouldnt matter to him anyway. its funny how one person can make such an impact on your life, make you feel amazing one day and then rip your heart away from you the very next. the world works in the most terrible ways, and im sick of it. i can never say that enough. i talked to erin last night. shes such a good friend, i miss her terribly. i wish she lived closer so that i could see her more often because i really need my big sister right now. i did talk to her on the phone last night though, for about an hour or so. and me being the most pathetic thing on this earth i cried to her and told her things that she probably would have expected from me. its probably me just falling all over again like i always do. i cant help it though. im not strong enough for that and i know it. erin did help though, even though she probably thought she couldnt. sometimes you just need your best friend to boost you up, afterall, nobody wants to be alone in times like this. unless youre f*cking crazy. why are we as human being so damn vulnerable? its almost like we enjoy pain just as much as we do pleasure, because the truth would hurt more than anything else sometimes. its not like i miss him, because i want to hate him as much as i love him. i just miss who i thought he was, the person who i thought cared for me so much and couldnt possibly hurt me so badly. but he did it again and i should have seen it coming. i might as well just settle in and get used to it but i know that i wont. because every time he hurts me its like something completely new and i always look at myself as this horrible thing who must have done something wrong. why doesnt he want me? and eddie..my poor eddie. caught up in the middle of this and because of what? my selfish desires. theyre so selfish even when i dont even know what they are. but i know it wouldnt matter anyway. i just hope that he'll have it in his heart to forgive me, because i hate to ruin something that could turn out to be the best thing i could have. i hate it though, when people look at me and think that me and *him* were just a phase, not eddie mind you people who have no idea. because its not. and i realized why even after trying to convince myself that it was in fact just a phase, just because i thought it would hurt less. but the truth is it never will. there is nobody in this godforsaken world who could make me feel so horrible except for *him*. nobody could take my heart and do to it what he has, and still get away with it. by now i should just look ahead and move on right? but its not that simple. i know it is for him because its obvious that what he said he felt, was never real. probably an act of sympathy or what have you. you cant spend forever trying to be there for someone who doesnt feel a thing for you. and you cant pretend that they ever will, or that they even think about you when you arent around. you cant spend forever trying to be everything you can for one person, or try to do everything you can, just to please them and only them. then again, you cant spend forever trying to please everyone else as well. so what are we supposed to do? just sit around and watch as life knocks us flat on our ass? i guess i realized that too little too late, and even then it feels as if its taking forever to sink in. he loves me not. i just keep repeating it throughout my head in hopes that it will help me move on, but it doesnt do anything for me at all. because i dont want to believe it. and i feel so bad that i feel bad for myself. i sit, and i cry, and i complain, and i think to myself, why am i the only one who has to feel this pain? why cant he just come back and make everything alright again? why dont i do anything about it? did he even care to begin with, or was it just simply wishful thinking at hand? why do i drag everyone else into my own problems when im feeling down, even though i know they probably have their own to deal with? will everything ever be okay once more or am i going to spend an eternity thinking about what i can never have again? why is it so hard? ....things of that nature. it just doesnt do it though. people go through shyt everyday, and i know its not only me. but still i have the nerve to go and feel this sorry for myself regardless. what do you call that? i guess i know why i always wind up alone in the end. maybe im not meant to have anybody and maybe i should have seen that all along. but maybes can only keep me content for so long. im like a time bomb ready to explode at any second, only there arent any wires you can clip to keep it from happening. and its just a matter of time too, thats all it really is. i don't want to see how it ends because the good guys dont always rush in and make it in time to save the day. well see what happens eventually. -Stephanie
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2003 21 May :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: "Fill me up"-Staind-14 Shades Of Gray
=/
hi.. =/ ...well all i have to say is...ibeuprofin or h.e you spell it..yeah..it kicks major @$$. im not quitw sure what was wrong with me..okay maybeb a little. moms been bugging me about it and naturally i dont wanna tell her about my social problems. my birthdays coming up as i must have mentions 50 times already, maybe even more just because i can. im STILL not sure what im doing..i want hen to come down here, thats one thing for sure. and i wanna see zane but i dont want him to fight with eddie. renee and kathy arent a problem..ashley and sam arent really either..i think they all can get along for a while. but anyway, those are my main people that i would want to spend my birthday with. so zane might come over around 1pm on friday, since we have no school and wotnot. im being forced to get up early even though its my birthday. we all might sneak into the movie, "Wrong Turn" With eliza dushku, because it comes out that day and ive been dying to see it. plus, my older sisters might be coming over so i guess well just have to see how all of that turns out.
today was kind of awkward. since the middle of 6th hour ive been really depressed and mellow all of a sudden. meds probably. but, that doesnt explain all of it. i went home, locked myself in my room, and listened to staind and cried for like an hour, coming out every once in a while to do household chores. oh the joy of that. i love the new staind album though, as with many of my other cd's, i can really relate to alot of the songs on the album.
right now im talking who zane, whos away at the moment....and watching i know what you did last summer, on the WB. old movie, but its still pretty good. afteralll, theyve only played it 10 million times on this station..whats the harm in that? : please note the terrible sarcasm.
you know what i just realized? i dont own a Manson shirt...i want one. =/ or a hoodie..thatd be pretty fancy just as well, even more so.
well i told myself this morning that iw ould write this in here, so here it goes, this one's for tara because i love her. "Fiducial"- There we go.
Sashas an asshole. if he touches me one more time im going to flip out on him and slam him up against the wall strangling him. what can i say? im a friendly kid. But honestly, hes always annoying me and im getting really tired of it. I was in a rage this afternoon after 6th hour in the hallway, he pushed me, and i almost tore his head off. Luckily for him kathy was there to cling to me and keep me from doing just that. It probably would have been funny though. I think i just might have scared Danni 'nd Sean though. Oh well, theyll get over it im sure.
well thats it, kathy just imed me so im gonna go. i hope i hear from eddie some time tonight because judging by what other people say,,,hes not the happiest person in the world with me right now and i have a feeling i know why. =/ Cant please everyone in the world all at once though. im out, goodnight.
Stephanie
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2003 21 May :: 1.50pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: *Staind*Price to Play*
and THEN...
hey people. im in my 5th hour right nows. i think ill make it a habit to write in here at least once every time im in this class. should be fancy fancy. i just got done reading kristens journal cus shes awesome lyk dat. geh, i have to write back renee and im really tired...plus she was kind of "distant" after 3rd hour so im not sure that shes very happy with me right now..for whatever reason. matt came to school this morning and gave me the new staind cd, "14 shades of gray". damnit. i wish i brought my cd player with me today but like the dumbass that i am, i forgot it. grr. matts a cool kid actually, even though hes one of muh stalkers. ;) danni ish too now! kewl beans..i also found out from matt yestersay that danni thinks im hott...interesting...whateva i dont dwell on shyt like that. i wanna listen to muh cd so badly right nows. ::whimpers:: ...im really proud of myself. i only took one advil so far today. yesh i know ::pats self on tha back:: im getting much better at that. which is a good thing i suppose.....i miss zane, and eddie ish pissed off at me. he seems like hes jealous of zane or something. i guess i cant say anything because me and zane do have all of that background and whatnot..but im really getting sick and tired of eddie telling me how much he hates zane because i know that zane feels the EXACT same way. i just dont want the two of them to have to duke it out because i care about them both. its hard at this point to try and choose a side, maybe it shouldnt be because afterall i AM dating eddie. but i know that theres people that eddie cares about more too..mike for instance...which i actually got up the balls to tell him about today..i told him how i really got annoyed when him and mike would get in a fight and he would take it out on me..and how hes ALWAYS talking non stop about mike and their problems. well he didnt have much take on that...oh well i guess i cant do anything about it right now.. and you see why i hate relationships? this right here...who the hell am i supposed to back up when i care about em both but i styll love...geh...nevermind. names arent important right now. he knows who he is and if youre a close friend of mine then my guess ish that you probably already know as well. i dont know what im supposed to do. i hate life. even when things feel like theyre getting better it never lasts that long..it really blows you know. and in the end i guess i always end up with myself because thats all i had from the beginning. me myself and i f*cking up everything i come in contact with. for shame. <> i need to get out of here..class sucks and school is just the same old damn thing everyday. cant wait until the end of the year. i wanna talk to kathy ..shes like my psychologist.(sp?!)... i would discuss it with erin but she had her own shyt to worry about..im not saying that kathy doesnt but until i get erin over my place or i go up to west palm and fill her in on every little thing (which i know that i will) ...id rather leave out details like this than put them up for discussion right away. alright well thats it for now, byes.
<>
<>
I learned to live without a pride. Just a shell, with me stuck inside. A prison though, not a place to hide.
<>
<>
+Stephanie+
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2003 20 May :: 1.52pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: *blink182*adams song*
well hey there
goddamn...fucking bored. took like 600mg in lunch..woohoo....*hes* pissed off at me all over again..i know he only cares but w.e..tis juss pain killers anywayz.. yummyness. newayz, matt ish bein annoying..he asked me what i want foh muh birthday and for a while i said that i really didnt want anything but like 4 minutes ago i saw him after lunch and i told him to get me the staind album. coolness. so that item ish officially off oof muh birthday list. weee. hes a really nice kid when hes not busy being the most annoying person in all of the land. heh. ivan got sent up on stage for getting his lunch early. lmao "paynus!!". im in 5th hour right nowz, bored as hell. =/ ..courtney just fell on her ass,...fancy fancy. ::snickers::. Kristen loves me. <-kristen...sexy beast! lol..weee...buh yeah shes sittin next to me..shes mi sexy bytch oof course. im scrounging for money to give her so she can take the bus home. success! ..yous know what i juss realized? i havnt seen erin in such a long time...i love dat chicky, shes muh sis...buh we havnt gotten to stay at eachothers place for so damn long...i HAAAAAAAAAAVE to see what she sup to this weekend. i would sacrifice the mall if she could come over...believe me..that means ALOT. lolz. ah, im engaged now! lol. mr Josh Reinitz...spiffy. and danni thinks im hot...oh boy...thats actually mighty scary. =/ *pokes his giant man boobies because i can!* weeee. yous know what sucks most of all right now? that the b.f and the ...hm..."lover", lol want to rip eachothers throats out. yeah that kinda sucks dem beeg bawls. yesh renee, bigger than yours and zanes combined. lmao. smeeton was throwing around a grasshopper leg in lunch..it was funny to watch all of the little bitches scream and yell because they thought it was gross..that pretty much made my day right there. i gave eddie a note to give to zane in 5th hour because he has that class with him..and i got stuck in mrs. franks class today for 4th hour since mrs. sweeny ish on the field trip. got to see eddie..didnt say much to him though because he had to do novel shyt. i think he thinks im pissed off at him or something...even though im really not....theres just a bunch of stuff going on lately. like for instance, he has this 7th grade girl Christina thinking that he asked her out and that they are dating now. that pissed me off. im like wtf? now you got other chicks now and im the last one to know? thats really nice. AND even worse, he has her believing that me and him broke up and he wants me to go up to her during school and start a big scene, pretending to be all pissed off at HER. fuck that. sometimes i really dont understand that boy. it really gets me pissed. i dont know what the point of him doing all of that was, and i dont care to find out because i think ill smack him up if i have to discuss it with him. michael had something to do with it too but i dont know how much..supposedly HE was the one who told christina that eddie wanted to go out with her. its amazing how much you can think of someone and then your whole perspective about them changes within such a short period of time. i spent like 10 minutes crying in the bathroom during 3rd hour..then got in trouble by mrs. jonas. ugh i hate that bytch. oh well i guess it doesnt matter anymore. <> im purposely leaving out the reason that i was crying because i know that the person is gonna read my journal entries<> ..and yes the reason happens to be a person.....maybe a little bit of everything else as well. geh..im so sick of bein stuck in gay situations and having no way of getting out of them..or maybe there IS a way and im just too retarded to see it. alright well thats enough complaining for one day...will update again later most likely..i do whenever im bored anywayz. im out love you guys. -Steffa
spiffy advice for the day...well actually...it should ALWAYS be considered..*nods*
Well kiddies, today i learned that things slip away...and its usually people. Sometimes you dont have control, but alot of the time you do. Do you have someone really special in your life? well claim them..make sure u dont let them slip away from you, becayse things can change really fast. And if they are already gone or going..then dont just continue to sit and watch..take action and tell them how you feel inside. you may be surprised...i dont care if its ur sister, your ex, a friend, or an important guy or girl..just go tell them how you truly feel...regret is the worst feeling one can have when you see the one you love around you all the time..and you wish that you could hold them, but you cant. wish that you could always stay beside them, but you cant. wish that no matter what happened it would just be them and you forever, but it wont be. dont let that happen. hold them as dear to your heart as you possibly can. because you never realizes how much you love somebody, until you lose them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
.::sigh::.
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2003 19 May :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: *Staind*it's Been Awhile*
<3 that song ^^^ <3
im not sure whats going through my mind right now..or why exactly its going through my mind at all. but it doesnt matte. because in the very back of my mind, way back where its not cluttered with confusing thoughts.. im happy.
relationships really blow. =/ i feel like im at the breaking point right now and i really dont know what to do at this point..which i have stated many times before as well. i guess im kinda happy too..all these mixed emotions can be too much for a girl to handle sometimes but i feel like im doing alright...in a way. god im so happy though..about me and *him* at least. so glad that i can sit and think about him now..without feeling bad or anything like that. i HATED whenever i felt like i had to hate him. it sucked. and now that were on good terms again..anythings possible.
mikes being a dork. eddies mike that is. eddi wanted to call me but my moms on the phone long distance so...another time.
me and a few of mi friends almost got in a fight today after school with a bunch of black kids who were crackin on mi new bisexual friend Luke. God, i hate it so much when people act so narrowminded and act like they have nothing better to do with their life then sit and look down on people who really arent that different from themselves! i dont see why one's sexual preference would harm another person in any way, who has NOTHING at ALL to do with it. it just proves that there are more assholes in this world than i thought.
the fight never actually happened. why you ask? because the bastards left the argument as the same individuals as they came in as: ignorant little chickenshits. hmph. its kind of a shame that nothing ended up happening. i could have used a reason to unwind from all this bullshit lately. oh well, another day.
birthdays growing close, woo hoo..only not really. id rather go crash the mall and spend it with a few people that im close with than have a big party 'nd wotnot. but certain friends of mine, which i wont mention any names of course, wanna have it their way. so i suppose ill just tag along and see how that goes.
well after i got home from school today i threw up like 4 times. fun right? well not really...I dont even know why i got that sick. but, shit happens. gotta suck it up and move right along.
well i suppose thats it for now, gonna go tend to the people im talking to online. bye for now -Steph
*p>s<*
~*in love once again- even though i never quite fell out of it*~ always good to think ahead though ;}
if you ever had the feeling that it was impossible to look at someone after a load of bullshit..and realize that you needed them more then you ever imagined..you'd be wrong my friend. if i have advice of the day for you guys, its dont let petty shit get in the way of your heart because sometimes it gets so very gray that it cant see through to get through the conflict..and you end up screwing up everything with the person you love. yep...thats mi refrain for the day. gona leave you all with some stained. fancy fancy- - - -
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that i've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means-
It's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
and it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you-
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day-
And it's been awhile
Since I could...
Look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste*~
weee...bye guys.
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2003 19 May :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: *Manson*Coma White*
fancy fancy
hey thurr pplz...im in muh 5th hour in school right now, oh the joy. supposed to beh doin work but being such the successful procrostinator as i am, it doesnt look like thats happening any time soon. saw zane today after 2nd hour...im starting to doubt that he really cares much about anything bad thats happened between us recently...which is a good thing because i dont feel like being on bad terms wit him..he still means alot to mes. =/ yesh i know, pathetic right? eat me. thinking about taking eddie up on that open relationship offer... =/ ..too much shit goin on lately with guys...grr damn them all to hell. >:D i dont know for sure if im going to though, it still seems kind of *slooty* to mes. i talked to kathy about it all last night, because i was in the middle of thinking about a bunch of crap. eddies sweet but hes really clingy...to his best friend mike 'nd shit. and whenever something bad happens between the two of them, hes all pissy to meh and that just doesnt work out with mes. soz yeah. i talked to zane last night til like 2 in the morning..scary scary..oh well ive lasted longer on the phone b4....but its just weird because of everything that has happened between me and him lately...it doesnt seem that we would be so buddy buddy but i guess that weve been through enough together already and nothing else really matters. i dont know if thats exactly good or bad...must think about it though. he has a girlfriend but hes gonna break up with her i think because he doesnt really like her or something like that..its all really complicated. bottom line: me and him are really close again and im just on the breaking point of not knowing what the hell im gonna do anymore. kathy gives good advice though, mhm. im not gonna put it in here but i will say that its being taken into some serious consideration as of right nows. *nods* hmmm lets see...i hate school and i wanner go home. school ish just a really...REALLY big gay wad of gay gayness. so there. ivan, youre sucha paynus head..or should i say "emmit"..hmm..::strokes the long russian beard:: bwah. iight wells thats about it for my rambling today,....will update when i fucking feel like it. =) love you losers. -Steffa
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2003 18 May :: 5.49pm
:: Mood: mellow yellowv =) .::snickers::.
:: Music: ~*Jackoff Jill*Star no Star*~
~*shifts eyes*~ ...its a conspiracy!!!!
well hey there children, whats happenin? i see you have chosen to read another one of my ever so exciting journal entries..good for you. very well then. where shall i begin? tis the weekend (yay) but tis the END of the dayum weekend (sunday) blergh. i just got back inside the house from tanning and im now talking to curtis and emma (john). oh joy. i miss eddie so much. i havnt seen him since friday when we all went to the mall. i suppose ill start telling that long and adventerous story right about now ~*swish*~ Well i got home from school on friday thinking that i was gonna go to the mall that night, seeing as we all had been discussing it all week long in school. then for the longest time i didnt think i was gonna go because me and renee were bums and we couldnt find a ride. well at the last minute mes datty came to the rescue and he ended up taking me and renee there at around 8ish. once we got there we werent there but about 2 minutes before eddie came running towards us. (nyaww) =) he was with bryan and quiggum (quinton). maria and jess were also around there before we started walking around, so we exchanged hi's and all of dat good stuff and went on our way into the mall. dum diddy dum. first on our journey, we went to sports authority and played ont he exercising equipment and shyt...twas fun. then bryan took off and his around the store somewhere. the first time, i caught him, the second time, we almost caught him and everybody split up to look for him, it was like, *longs to just shove eddie underneath a clothing rack and have her way with him* teehee...but when bryan took off again we all just decided to go outside of sports authority and sit in those little massagy chairs to wait for him to come around. i stand by what i said before renee, keep your man on a damn leash! lolz jp i wuv yous bryan! =P ....but when he finally did come around...we still just sat there and did nothing for a while but talk. renee convinced me to sit on eddies lap, heh. we just talked for a while before i told quinton that he was a woman..then we all got up and went to go walk around the mall some more, searching for whatever we could find to keep ourselves company. everybody but me started clapping for some reason..okay? riiight..then quinton was the only one left clapping after a while, and one of those icky rent a cops came up and yelled at him..twas quite amusing if i do say so myself..which i do so there! as soon as the rent a cop turned to walk away quinton clapped once more like the douche that he is. the rent a cop came back and talked to him AGAIN and threatened to kick him out of the mall. we all yelled at quinton later and called him names and crap, so its all taken care of now. ::smirk:: Anyway, then we all walked to books-a-million, where we sat in the chairs in the back of the store by the food book section. we all just talked and acted retarded only to find out later on that there was a camera overhead the entire time. =/ lol. oh well! we met some pretty fancy kids who came by and discussed the origins of monkeys in a barrel and wotnot wiff us. and how they reminded us of animal crackers. that was some funny shyt. a while after awl of that "excitement", quinton got called up and he had to leave. i STILL say that his parents were somewhere in the mall looking after him. heh heh. well quinton got up to leave, and feeling as bubbly as i was last night i snuck after him at a certain distance and when he least expected it i ran up and kneed him in the balls from behind. it was quite funny =) and yet, im STILL not THAT evil. ::grins:: anywayz, i ran back to de otherz and shared that brilliant little story with them. then we just hung out in there for a while longer, does it REALLY matter what went on? ::smirks at eddie:: ill never te-ell!! ;D all of that happened with us knowing that the cameras were there too..goddamn what the hell were we all on? lolz. wellz, then a lil later i realized i had to pee, as i often do. for future reference, i pee ALOT. lolz. so we all took a trip outside of the bookstore to the bathroom right next to it. the bathroom..oh man..OH ..MAN..it smelt like piss. damn bathrooms, always gotta be smellin like some rotten animals. no matter,tis that glorious time of the month so i had no other choice but to subject myself to the "unknown". geh. "they only sell the ones that you have to finger your damn self to get em' in!!!" lmao Renee. heh. After we got out of the bathroom we ventured over to the candy machine, where a fight broke out, between me and bryan of course, over my pack of starbursts. it ended by me grabbing his nuts, which he claims i "punched", and he let go of the pack and i skipped away. lol i felt really really bad about it later on though cus bryans "the homie"(lmao) and all..i swwie bryan! ::glompz him:: ...kk..THEN we went BACK to books a million for some odd reason and went back to where we had been sitting before. some more stuff went on which i will never tell,lol. and then eventually we did depart from out lounging wonderland, if you can stomach it. We were on our way to the oasis to go to ghiradellis because i had just been called by the mum and she reminded me that i had to be home before 11. damn her and her narrowmindedness! anyway, we were walking through the mall to go back to the oasis when a different rent a cop stopped us and told us that since the mall had been closing all the time we were in the bookstore, we had to walk around out back to get to the oasis. damn him! i spit on him! no no, i PISS on him! and his crappy shiny shoes! hmph! Soz, we did what we were told to by once. we walked....aAAAAAAAnd we wwwalked...AAAAAAnd we walked some more..in between there, there was alot of boob pinching, grabbing, and punching. and lots and lots of grabbing eddies ass because he has the nicest bum in AWL the land..no seriously..its awesome. then there was some talk of orgys and that sort. and eventually we finally made it to the oasis. once we got there, we went straight into ghiradellis, where we ran into jew boy! (josh) natalie, and jen and some other pplz. sadly enough, i didnt get to sit on josh and feed him pork like i did last time, lol. but ill get u back josh! in a way, i kinda did because when he ran into the bathroom to avoid me sittin on his lap, i followed him and pulled him out of the mens bathroom and forced him into the womans bathroom where i stood in front of the door and wouldnt let him out for a while. then later on i mooched off of his soda. then him and his ppl left ghiradellis and went back outside into the oasis and me,bryan,eddie, and renee sat for a while. i felt like i was gona throw up so i bolted for the bathroom, just to find out that it was locked. whodda thunk is eh? gayness...thank god i DIDNT end up yarfin awl over the dayum place because the only other bathroom would have been the one in the movie theater and you do NOT go in theer at night...too dayum packed...well..THEN, eddie started to paint renees nails black and then one of the guys who was sweeping the floor came up and told us that we had to leave because we werent eating. it was pretty gay..no no..HE was pretty gay. nobody loves him. hmph. Then we all trotted along to the oasis entrance by the movie theater to sit and wait for bryans dad to come get all of us bums. kristen saw mes and out of nowhere she came speeding towards me to give me a hug, then renee stepped in front of me and BONK!! kristen fell on her ass on de floor. nyaww, mi poor sexi bytch ;) even tho it wAs kinda funny..she probably thought it was too..even tho she told renee that she hated her..lolz. wells we just stood and talked for a while after that, i said hi to kaitlyn then bryans dad came and picked us up. the ride home..well that wasnt really anything special. not much happened..talk of sum41 mostly, which theres DEFINATELY nothing wrong wiff dat. weeee. wen i got home i waited for the parental units to go to sleep..then i went online and talked to eddie,renee, and bryan. taint u glad im done talking about all that karap? good because here comes what happened on saturday. u KNO u love me..maybe not. well lucky for you guys, i didnt really do anything saturday. bryan had dumped renee the night before out of nowhere..we had talked about that more on saturday morning and i had a LOOONG discussion about it with him and guess what! theyre together again. as IF i would let it end up any other way! pssh! i give myself maybe a little credit for them being back together but i didnt really do anything more then talk to bryan and emphasize logical points about them that he already knew. sometimes all someone needs is a good coaxing. or a good "punch" in tha balls. ;) bryan. lol. nyaww they make a cute couple. theys two of mah good friends soz im glad dat theyre "an item" whoa that sounds all oldish..lol. well, eddie slept over at bryans saturday night, kewlness. i pulled another 1am online session talking to bryan for a while then talking to eddie until i dozed off. mes loves dat chyld =) i wish i was over there wiff hims tho =( . well all that has gone by and looky here! today is sunday! im procrostinating about doing my homework because it hink its completely gay and bogus..some novel project for my u.s history class...i have to do a few journal entries based on like 3 of those chapters. fun fun fun! only..not really...AT ALL. hmph. not only that but i still gotta clean up muh room a bit, tisnt that bad but still, im a neat freak if you get me in the mood. ...::looks around::...::slaps you::..not THAT mood douchy, GOD! heh..well anywayz i did accomplish SOME stuff...since mes mums has bin layin dwn most of the day cus shes sicky suck sick! poor mums =( i did the dishes and some laundry..good for me..then wandered int he computer room as always..talked to some pplz and then went tanning and came back and this is where im at now! so im gonna end all of you guys' torment and just leave you with a birthday list, once again because all of my friends are badgering me about what i want for muh birthday. tis so close too, i cant believe its in like 12 days! (cheap self-promotion) teehee. wellz thats it soz heres the list and imma go! love you guys! -Stephanie
~*Spiffariffic Birthday list....."thing"*~ .......yeah whatever.
1) money
2) cherry celli fone cover
3) more money
4) spencers gift certificate
5) american hi fi cd
6) marilyn manson cd
7) hot topic gift certificate
8) jelly bracelets
9) new nofx cd..has NO idea what the name ish
10) new staind cd, "14 shades of gray" or whatever the freck its kawled
11) the cd for that band cold...you know..the people who sing that song "stupid girl"
12) even MORE money..bwahhahahha
13) a wee tiny gary backpack..gary being from spongebob you asscrackers
14) any article of clothing with cherries on it..yesh yesh cus cherries r super sexi
15) .....stuf.....
k thats it so byes!!!!! *waves frantically*
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